I just watched the most heartbreaking video. I should have known, but I watched it anyway. This couple's baby was diagnosed with Trisomy 13 but they decided not to terminate and carry him to term, knowing if he made it through birth he may only live hours or days. They showed some of the delivery, and holding him in the hospital. After a couple days they got to take him home. He had a cleft palet, but he was the cutest little thing. They had several episodes where he stopped breathing but he came back, but after 5 days at home they woke up and found that he has passed. I was bawling while watching it.
I know it must have been the greatest gift to get to spend those 5 days with him, but also the worst pain to know their time was limited, knowing they would have to say goodbye soon. It absolutely broke my heart. I am not feeling the baby fever as strong, especially after watching that. I'm so terrified of going through heartache again, I just don't know if it is worth the risk. We have our love, we have our precious rainbow, maybe we should quit while we're ahead. It's not even so much the IC worry, though of course that will always be somewhat of a concern. But in the time I've spent in support groups and talking to other loss moms, I've just gotten all of this scary information and I worry about not just what could go wrong due to my history, but all of the other things that could go wrong.
Plus, I am already high risk due to my history of preterm labor and IC, and GD, but if there is a next time I'll also be AMA. Risking the pain to get one earth baby was worth it, but I am not sure the joy of having two earth babies is worth possibly going down that road again. Even an early loss would stop me in my tracks, I just can't do it. I think what worries me the most is, what if come March I still haven't made up my mind? Once we do decide to be done, I'll want some kind of permanent birth control done. Ryan and I agreed that if we have another, then I will have my tubes tied since I'll be having another C section anyway, but if we're one and done, then it's up to him.
So I worry that I won't come to that point where I know for sure if we want another or not, and if we decide we're done and not super 100% confident in that decision, it will be very scary to have a permanent solution completed. I hate making decisions.
Ok, new subject. A couple weeks ago me and Emily and my SIL went to GreenField Village. We walked around the village, got something to eat and then took Emily on the carousel. I was going to just sit on one of the benches but the lady said I could put her on an animal as long as I held on to her. So we chose one that didn't move. She was so cute, as soon as I put her on she held into the pole like a big girl. She seemed to enjoy the ride and her hair was blowing in the breeze, lol. She cried when the ride was over, I can only assume because she wanted to keep going. I think next summer we'll get a membership.
So then we went in the playground area and put her on the swings and she loved them again. I tried to go down a slide with her but it was really low to the ground so it was kind of awkward. Then we went on the train and rode around the village. She seemed to like looking at all the scenery as we went by. What a fun day.
In other news, an extensive search has been done, but Miss Monkey is missing. Emily loves Miss Monkey but thankfully she is too young to really know she is missing, she just knows she loves her when I give her to her. I've looked everywhere, under the couch, in piles of clothes, both vehicles, I've asked people if we left her at their house, and nothing. I'm beginning to think maybe she tossed her out of the stroller one day somewhere, or maybe I put her in the cart with her and didn't notice it and it fell out when I took the cart cover out. Just the other day we were out shopping with Amanda and she found her elephant Kiki laying on the floor in one of the stores, so that's probably what happened to Miss Monkey. So, not the end of the world but I am sad. It was the first thing I ever bought for her when I was pregnant with her. It was a little monkey holding a pink blanket and it said I Adore Mommy. She always smiled and held her arms out when I gave it to her and she usually napped with it. I got it from Target so I may have to get over my sentimental sadness and buy her another one. Hopefully they still have them.
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