I wrote a while back about a friend whom I had a falling out with right after my miscarriage. In a nutshell, I regretfully told her I was pregnant, even though at that point I was really nervous it wasn't going to end well. The very next day I miscarried....when I came back to work, I laid low for a few days and after about a week I realized she hadn't called me to go out on break, which we we usually did twice a day, every single day for the last 4 years.
She wasn't just a co-worker, she was a good friend, was one of my bridesmaids....so I was kind of hurt that it had been well over a week and she hadn't checked up to see how I was doing, let alone called me for our usual break. I know sometimes it can be hard to know what to say when a friend goes through something hard, but it just seems like in the age of FB, texting, emailing etc, it wouldn't be that hard to drop a quick message and say hey, thinking about you.
After a while I got over being hurt, because no matter what I thought she should have done, I know she didn't do anything to intentionally hurt me. And, I'll admit I haven't always been the best friend I should have been in the past. A friend of mine had two miscarriages before going on to have a healthy pregnancy....did I check up on her afterward? Was I there for her when I should have been? Not really...so I know there are crappy things in life that people don't always know what to do if they haven't experienced it.
So for the last year we've waved hello to each other in passing, liked each others' posts on FB, but nothing has been the same between us. We haven't talked, or hung out one on one at all since before my miscarriage. We work on different floors so it took me a while to realize she no longer works here. Last night she wished us a happy annviersary on FB, so I put my big girl panties on and sent her a message. I told her I don't know what happaned between us, and that I never said anything before because I suck at confrontation, but that I missed her and hope everything is ok with her, since I don't know the circumstances surrounding why she doesn't work here anymore.
Now I'm nervous to see if she wrote back. I think more than likely what happaned was, I was in a daze for the first several days after my m/c....she usually called me to go out for break because she is the smoker, so we just went when she wanted to smoke. So when she didn't call me, I didn't bother to call to go out either. I think maybe she was giving me space, perhaps treating me how she would want to be treated if in my shoes (or maybe she's been in my shoes, I don't really know). And like most friendships that end for no apparent reason, the lack of communication killed it. I felt angry at her for not being there for me more, but maybe she felt like I was shutting myself off from people, and after so long it just got too awkward to say anything and the more time that went by, the more and more awkward things got.
Sometimes a part of me just says to let things go, she doesn't even work here anymore so even if we had stayed good friends, we would have likely lost touch somewhat once she left here anyway. But then I think about how she reacted when I told her I was pregnant. The second the words left my lips, she teared up and said I'm going to be an auntie? I get sad when I look at my wedding pictures and see that our friendship barely lasted past our one year anniversary. I miss my friend.
So I hope she wrote back, and I hope there isn't some big thing that she was mad at me for that I was completely oblivious to. Even if things don't change much and we don't really hang out much, I would like to at least get this elephant out of the room whenever I think of her, and forever wonder what happened with us. I'd like to be able to call her when I get pregnant again and have her be a part of my life.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Good news, good news, eh news and bad news
I saw my doctor today and she had all of my test results for me. I'll try to remember most of them...MH's SA was good, she said the count was good and the motility was also good. She found it interesting though, that while both counts were in the completely normal range, the first one was such a higher count than the second. We were quite certain his results would be fine since he did get me pregnant once, and his sperm isn't what is keeping me from ovulating. But it is nice to have the confirmation that everything is fine.
The other good results were, I am not menopausal or peri-menopausal, she said I have plenty of eggs left, so that is good of course. My kidneys and liver are fine which I already knew from the last bloodwork and whatever it is they tested to see if I can produce milk for nursing was also fine...oh and I have been vaccinated against rhubella and chicken pox, so I don't have to worry about getting vaccinated or catching either disease when pregnant which could cause birth defects.
The eh news is a few things. First, my thyroid levels are off just a bit, so she wants me to try upping my meds for that before we try clomid. I was hoping that if I didn't O this cycle, clomid would be the next step but she wants me to try this first. I have mixed emotions about this....on the one hand I think it's awesome that she is being conservative and smart about it. With so many doctors handing out clomid like it's candy, being conservative is not a bad thing. And, if upping my metformin and now my thyroid meds is all it takes to ovulate, why wouldn't I want to go that route? However, I am impatient. I wanted to be pregnant a year ago, so waiting yet another month or two before trying clomid is frustrating. BUT, it's better to be safe than act on my impatients (is that a word?). Besides, if I start clomid in January, I will already be 4 months ahead because I originally wasn't even going to start seeing the RE until January. And January would give me a September due date...sounds silly, but I would love a fall due date. Just looking for the silver lining.
Onto some bad news...I am not diabetic, but I am pre-diabetic. Eeesh, that was scary to hear. Of course I know I need to lose weight, but that news really drove it home. So, I've got to buckle down and get serious. And I have been, since I started WW I have been doing pretty well, unfortunately I barely have anything to show for it. I think I've lost about 3 pounds so far, but that's because I keep Yo Yoing. This week is going to be bad as well...with Halloween candy in the house, it's hard to be good. Plus we're having a pot luck at work tomorrow, so yeah. I'll try not to go insane, but to think I will be totally good and stay within my points at a potluck is pretty unrealistic. But I will get back on track on Saturday. However, I was thinking today...I get really down on myself when I don't do well, and how I yo yo so often. I've been at WW for about 8 weeks now, so had I had a loss every week I could have lost 8-10 pounds by now, maybe more. But I am stuck at 3....but, had I not been working out when I did or sticking to my points when I did, I might have not lost that 3, and could have even gained more. So there....I'm just full of silver linings today.
Ok, so back to the eh news. My temp dropped this morning and FF took away my CHs. I was pretty bummed because I was so hoping I really did O. So I took my chart with me to the doctor, and the first thing she said was, well it looks like you might have ovulated this month. I told her about FF taking the CHs away, and she said well I don't know about the program, but it looks good to me.
I like FF, and I think it's a great program, but surely there is some margin of error. It said so itself, when it took my CHs away, it didn't say I didn't O, it said it can no longer support the assumption of O. She said my chart looks much better than she expected, and she is an RE so I want to trust her opinion. But she basically said, give it until Friday, if I get my period then I must have (or at least very likely) Od...if not I can call the office for provera to start over. No matter what though, she wants me to up my thyroids meds starting tomorrow, so hopefully even if I didn't O, getting all my meds on track might help.
So I don't know what to think. I am praying I Od....I am feeling slightly crampy, but right now it's not enough to say yes, my period is going to start any minute. So it's hard to say if I am really feeling crampy or if it is more in my head. So I really really hope my period starts in the next 2 days. She also wants me to come back in a few weeks to have my bloodwork done to see if my thyroid is at the right level. I guess I am a little dissapointed because I was hoping I either Od for sure, or we would be starting me on clomid this coming cycle. Things are a little more up in the air than I had hoped, but I like my doctor, I agree with her line of thinking, I'm just being impatient. Hopefully it all works out for the best.
The other good results were, I am not menopausal or peri-menopausal, she said I have plenty of eggs left, so that is good of course. My kidneys and liver are fine which I already knew from the last bloodwork and whatever it is they tested to see if I can produce milk for nursing was also fine...oh and I have been vaccinated against rhubella and chicken pox, so I don't have to worry about getting vaccinated or catching either disease when pregnant which could cause birth defects.
The eh news is a few things. First, my thyroid levels are off just a bit, so she wants me to try upping my meds for that before we try clomid. I was hoping that if I didn't O this cycle, clomid would be the next step but she wants me to try this first. I have mixed emotions about this....on the one hand I think it's awesome that she is being conservative and smart about it. With so many doctors handing out clomid like it's candy, being conservative is not a bad thing. And, if upping my metformin and now my thyroid meds is all it takes to ovulate, why wouldn't I want to go that route? However, I am impatient. I wanted to be pregnant a year ago, so waiting yet another month or two before trying clomid is frustrating. BUT, it's better to be safe than act on my impatients (is that a word?). Besides, if I start clomid in January, I will already be 4 months ahead because I originally wasn't even going to start seeing the RE until January. And January would give me a September due date...sounds silly, but I would love a fall due date. Just looking for the silver lining.
Onto some bad news...I am not diabetic, but I am pre-diabetic. Eeesh, that was scary to hear. Of course I know I need to lose weight, but that news really drove it home. So, I've got to buckle down and get serious. And I have been, since I started WW I have been doing pretty well, unfortunately I barely have anything to show for it. I think I've lost about 3 pounds so far, but that's because I keep Yo Yoing. This week is going to be bad as well...with Halloween candy in the house, it's hard to be good. Plus we're having a pot luck at work tomorrow, so yeah. I'll try not to go insane, but to think I will be totally good and stay within my points at a potluck is pretty unrealistic. But I will get back on track on Saturday. However, I was thinking today...I get really down on myself when I don't do well, and how I yo yo so often. I've been at WW for about 8 weeks now, so had I had a loss every week I could have lost 8-10 pounds by now, maybe more. But I am stuck at 3....but, had I not been working out when I did or sticking to my points when I did, I might have not lost that 3, and could have even gained more. So there....I'm just full of silver linings today.
Ok, so back to the eh news. My temp dropped this morning and FF took away my CHs. I was pretty bummed because I was so hoping I really did O. So I took my chart with me to the doctor, and the first thing she said was, well it looks like you might have ovulated this month. I told her about FF taking the CHs away, and she said well I don't know about the program, but it looks good to me.
I like FF, and I think it's a great program, but surely there is some margin of error. It said so itself, when it took my CHs away, it didn't say I didn't O, it said it can no longer support the assumption of O. She said my chart looks much better than she expected, and she is an RE so I want to trust her opinion. But she basically said, give it until Friday, if I get my period then I must have (or at least very likely) Od...if not I can call the office for provera to start over. No matter what though, she wants me to up my thyroids meds starting tomorrow, so hopefully even if I didn't O, getting all my meds on track might help.
So I don't know what to think. I am praying I Od....I am feeling slightly crampy, but right now it's not enough to say yes, my period is going to start any minute. So it's hard to say if I am really feeling crampy or if it is more in my head. So I really really hope my period starts in the next 2 days. She also wants me to come back in a few weeks to have my bloodwork done to see if my thyroid is at the right level. I guess I am a little dissapointed because I was hoping I either Od for sure, or we would be starting me on clomid this coming cycle. Things are a little more up in the air than I had hoped, but I like my doctor, I agree with her line of thinking, I'm just being impatient. Hopefully it all works out for the best.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Anxious
Four more days until my next appointment. I am so anxious to go, to hear the results of my CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound, the results of MH's SA and to find out what the game plan is. FF still says I Od, but I am hesitant to really believe it. I mean the facts seems good so far, but I've had CHs all the way up until like 12DPO, but then my period never came and FF took away the CHs. So every morning I am nervous to enter my temp, worried my CHs will go away.
It will be so so awesome if I really did O just from upping the Metformin...but then again I got CHs the last time I upped my meds and that's when they eventually went away. If they aren't going to do it, I'll have to request a progesterone draw to make sure I really did O. We got our first bill for IF treatment, it was for MH's first SA, $50. So insurance did not cover any of it, which I suspected they wouldn't since I do not have any IF testing or treatment coverage. But it's not bad, our regular copay for an office visit is $50 so it's not like there was a huge sticker shock. So far I haven't received any bills for the bloodwork or ultrasound...I don't think I will since right now they can say it is due to my lack of period, without really calling it IF testing.
I'm starting to really freak out about what to do about our jobs once a LO comes. It sounds ridiculous because we have been trying for a year and a half to get pregnant, but thinking that I did O this month, or could O next month with clomid means a pregnancy could happen very soon, and I am freaked that we don't have a better job plan. I could always make more money, but right now I am very content with my job. I like what I do, I am good at it, I now have a wonderful boss and things are just better all around concerning office politics. On top of that I have great benefits (aside from the IF bit) and it's an amazing company to work for. I've been here for almost 8 years and I am fully vested in my 401K and profit sharing plans, and this place really understands that we are workers second and human beings first. Their policy is work work play....we work hard, but they really believe in playing as well. We have tons of contests and potlucks, charities to help out fellow co-workers as well as those in need outside the company. It's a rare time when something fun isn't happening every week or two.
If it weren't for dealing with working and having kids one day, I could see myself working here forever. But....I really do not want to work 40 hours a week outside the house. I know many women do it, and I say hats off to them, but I don't want to. I already feel stressed about working all week and trying to keep up with personal life stuff and household work, I can't imagine adding a needy baby into the mix. We are very very lucky that my dad and probably inlaws will be able to watch the kid rather than putting them in daycare, but I don't want to over burden them. My dad will be retiring in about a month, but my MIL and FIL are both still working at least part time. So I am sure there will be a day here and there they could take them to relieve my dad, with their work schedule right now I don't think there are any full days they could take them.
Right now my dad is probably so starved for a grandchild that he's laugh at the idea of overburdening him....but once the kid is 2.5 and is being bratty, I am sure watching him or her for a full 40 hours a week will get very tiring. I don't want to do that to my dad, I'm already insanely grateful we can avoid the daycare route, I don't want to ask that much of him. Also, my friend has this issue....they don't really get the opportunity to go out on the weekends very much because she doesn't want to ask her parents to babysit when they have had the kid all week long, and they only watch them part time since she only works 20-25 hours a week. Maybe when they're like 7 or 8 I would be cool with a teenage kid babysitting or something, but I would never trust anyone but family and very close friends to watch my kids when they are really little.
So, the original plan was for me to get online teaching jobs last year when I finished school. That way I could do that while still doing my day job for a while to make sure I like it, make sure it pays enough and for the time being, it would be extra money in my pocket until I could quit my regular job, and just do the online thing from home. My plan for that was to get whatever work done I could during the day, say when LO is napping or playing contently in a swing or something, and when MH is home from work. Then maybe half a day a week my inlaws could take him so I could get some real work done, and another day my dad could take them. But the downside with that was, it's a contract job and would not offer benefits, so I would have to either purchase private insurance which is crazy expensive, or MH would need a job with benefits.
Well a whole year has gone by since I finished school and I have only applied to one school, from which I have heard nothing. My new goal is to try to apply to at least one school every weekend, but that still doesn't make me feel better...I had intended to be doing the job by now, to be working for at least one school, hopefully teaching 3 or 4 classes.
My back up plan if the online teaching thing doesn't work out, is to work someplace part time. That might actually not be so bad, because I would still have time with my kid, but also stay socialized with other adults and have some independence. The problem like that, I will likely not find anything that pays great in my field that's only part time. So I might have to take a job that pays less, and a part time job likely wouldn't offer benefits, so again MH needs a job with benefits.
I really wish I could stay with my current company and work part time....I will ask of course when the time comes, but as far as I know there aren't any part time opportunities, and as much as my boss may like me, they aren't going to change the way they operate just to offer me a part time position. So if MH doesn't find something very soon with benefits, I may be forced into working full time. I hate to sound whiney about it, because like I said I know plenty of women do it....but despite the stress and despite however hard it may be, a big reason I don't want to do it is I just don't want to be away from my kid for 40 + hours a week (50 with communting). I want to raise my kid, I want to spend the majority of the day with them. My mom never worked once she got married, and I had an amazing childhood at home with her until I went to preschool.
We baked together, she took me to things at the library. I cherished my time at home with her and I would love to give that to my kid as well. The ONLY plus side to being forced into working full time would be that since I now have my masters, I could get a better job that pays way more. Then maybe I could afford to do like two days of daycare a week so my dad isn't overloaded. Or maybe he could do the full 40 for the first year or two, and then as the kid gets older and needs to be socialized we could look into a couple days of daycare or preschool or something. Like I said, I would be content with staying at my job forever otherwise, but I don't make nearly enough money for the level of education that I have, and it would be dumb to not take advanatge of that and get a job that pays about 20 grand more a year.
Erg, I don't know....the optimist in me want to just say everything will work themselves out in the end, but sometimes I get really anxious over the whole thing, worrying about what to do.
It will be so so awesome if I really did O just from upping the Metformin...but then again I got CHs the last time I upped my meds and that's when they eventually went away. If they aren't going to do it, I'll have to request a progesterone draw to make sure I really did O. We got our first bill for IF treatment, it was for MH's first SA, $50. So insurance did not cover any of it, which I suspected they wouldn't since I do not have any IF testing or treatment coverage. But it's not bad, our regular copay for an office visit is $50 so it's not like there was a huge sticker shock. So far I haven't received any bills for the bloodwork or ultrasound...I don't think I will since right now they can say it is due to my lack of period, without really calling it IF testing.
I'm starting to really freak out about what to do about our jobs once a LO comes. It sounds ridiculous because we have been trying for a year and a half to get pregnant, but thinking that I did O this month, or could O next month with clomid means a pregnancy could happen very soon, and I am freaked that we don't have a better job plan. I could always make more money, but right now I am very content with my job. I like what I do, I am good at it, I now have a wonderful boss and things are just better all around concerning office politics. On top of that I have great benefits (aside from the IF bit) and it's an amazing company to work for. I've been here for almost 8 years and I am fully vested in my 401K and profit sharing plans, and this place really understands that we are workers second and human beings first. Their policy is work work play....we work hard, but they really believe in playing as well. We have tons of contests and potlucks, charities to help out fellow co-workers as well as those in need outside the company. It's a rare time when something fun isn't happening every week or two.
If it weren't for dealing with working and having kids one day, I could see myself working here forever. But....I really do not want to work 40 hours a week outside the house. I know many women do it, and I say hats off to them, but I don't want to. I already feel stressed about working all week and trying to keep up with personal life stuff and household work, I can't imagine adding a needy baby into the mix. We are very very lucky that my dad and probably inlaws will be able to watch the kid rather than putting them in daycare, but I don't want to over burden them. My dad will be retiring in about a month, but my MIL and FIL are both still working at least part time. So I am sure there will be a day here and there they could take them to relieve my dad, with their work schedule right now I don't think there are any full days they could take them.
Right now my dad is probably so starved for a grandchild that he's laugh at the idea of overburdening him....but once the kid is 2.5 and is being bratty, I am sure watching him or her for a full 40 hours a week will get very tiring. I don't want to do that to my dad, I'm already insanely grateful we can avoid the daycare route, I don't want to ask that much of him. Also, my friend has this issue....they don't really get the opportunity to go out on the weekends very much because she doesn't want to ask her parents to babysit when they have had the kid all week long, and they only watch them part time since she only works 20-25 hours a week. Maybe when they're like 7 or 8 I would be cool with a teenage kid babysitting or something, but I would never trust anyone but family and very close friends to watch my kids when they are really little.
So, the original plan was for me to get online teaching jobs last year when I finished school. That way I could do that while still doing my day job for a while to make sure I like it, make sure it pays enough and for the time being, it would be extra money in my pocket until I could quit my regular job, and just do the online thing from home. My plan for that was to get whatever work done I could during the day, say when LO is napping or playing contently in a swing or something, and when MH is home from work. Then maybe half a day a week my inlaws could take him so I could get some real work done, and another day my dad could take them. But the downside with that was, it's a contract job and would not offer benefits, so I would have to either purchase private insurance which is crazy expensive, or MH would need a job with benefits.
Well a whole year has gone by since I finished school and I have only applied to one school, from which I have heard nothing. My new goal is to try to apply to at least one school every weekend, but that still doesn't make me feel better...I had intended to be doing the job by now, to be working for at least one school, hopefully teaching 3 or 4 classes.
My back up plan if the online teaching thing doesn't work out, is to work someplace part time. That might actually not be so bad, because I would still have time with my kid, but also stay socialized with other adults and have some independence. The problem like that, I will likely not find anything that pays great in my field that's only part time. So I might have to take a job that pays less, and a part time job likely wouldn't offer benefits, so again MH needs a job with benefits.
I really wish I could stay with my current company and work part time....I will ask of course when the time comes, but as far as I know there aren't any part time opportunities, and as much as my boss may like me, they aren't going to change the way they operate just to offer me a part time position. So if MH doesn't find something very soon with benefits, I may be forced into working full time. I hate to sound whiney about it, because like I said I know plenty of women do it....but despite the stress and despite however hard it may be, a big reason I don't want to do it is I just don't want to be away from my kid for 40 + hours a week (50 with communting). I want to raise my kid, I want to spend the majority of the day with them. My mom never worked once she got married, and I had an amazing childhood at home with her until I went to preschool.
We baked together, she took me to things at the library. I cherished my time at home with her and I would love to give that to my kid as well. The ONLY plus side to being forced into working full time would be that since I now have my masters, I could get a better job that pays way more. Then maybe I could afford to do like two days of daycare a week so my dad isn't overloaded. Or maybe he could do the full 40 for the first year or two, and then as the kid gets older and needs to be socialized we could look into a couple days of daycare or preschool or something. Like I said, I would be content with staying at my job forever otherwise, but I don't make nearly enough money for the level of education that I have, and it would be dumb to not take advanatge of that and get a job that pays about 20 grand more a year.
Erg, I don't know....the optimist in me want to just say everything will work themselves out in the end, but sometimes I get really anxious over the whole thing, worrying about what to do.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Frustrated
FF says I Od. That just figures...I mean it's good and it's bad. It's good because if I did O, well duh, that's good. It would mean that I maybe don't need clomid if just increasing my metformin did it. It's also good because FF says it was on CD15....that's very close to the textbook CD14, so also good. The shorter of a cycle I could have the better of course.
Now for the bad news, we never had any business meetings around then....haha, I'm at work so I feel paranoid about using real grown up words. I started using OPKs on CD10 so I figured we could get down to business if I got a positive, but I never did. There could be an explanation for that...for some stupid reason I never tested at work this cycle, so I was only testing in the morning and sometimes later at night. Some women don't get positives in the early morning, and sometimes my urine was too diluted for the 5:30 test, and if I didn't test again until 8-9 pm I could have easily missed a short surge. The one and only cycle I ever got a positive, the surge lasted well over 12 hours, so it's odd to me that this one would be so short I could miss it. However I don't know, maybe a varying surge length from cycle to cycle is normal.
My other issue is, the very day of my temp spike that confirmed O is the one and only day this cycle I messed up temping. I fell back to sleep during it, so I wasn't sure if it beeped or not. So I started over, but then during the second temping I sneezed twice. I have no idea how much that could have messed up the correct temp. Maybe my real temp would have been high enough to confirm O anyway, or maybe my temp was lower and I didn't O at all.
Hmm, interesting...I just played around with it a bit and lowered that days temp and it still gives me dotted CHs for two days later since I had a huge temp spike on the 18th. So with this new info, I am changing my mind, it really does look like I Od, it's awfully hard to ignore that temp spike. FF will give me solid CHs if I put in that I had watery or eggwhite CM, but I am afraid to list that because I just don't know. I think I will, I'll just have to remember I wasn't positive about it. Wow, I went from starting this post a little angry and frustrated, but now I am pretty excited to think that I probably did O. Though I am bummed we don't have a shot in hell since no boom boom, but Oing is very very good news.
Though I was a little sad when I saw what FF gave as my EDD had I been able to get KU this cycle....July 10, 2013...that's the one year annivrsary of when my grandpa died. A little sad....but it would be nice to turn a sad day into a happy one. If I were to get KU next cycle, things would be likely happening within days of everything last year. Again, it would be very nice to turn August into a happy month, and to have good news to announce on Christmas morning this year, but to get a positive HPT anytime near December 3rd will be really really scary. I'll take it though....are you listening to me IF gods, I'll still take it!
I have my next appointment with my doctor a week from today. Originally I was really hoping they'll do a progesterone draw to confirm ovulation, but now with the knowledge of that huge temp spike basically confirming that I did O, I'm not sure they will. But if it means not going forward with clomid because we think metformin is making me O, I think they'd do it. Especially if I tell her my one temp could be off...I don't think the day of the huge temp spike had any issues, but you just never know. Eeeek, I'm so excited! I hope this excitement lasts.
I had a dream last night that I had a baby. I was putting him in his carseat which then clicked into his stroller, and I was pushing him back and forth to soothe him and he was just staring at me the whole time. I think we were waiting for something...but that's it, that was the extent of my dream. It may be really stupid but....the baby was about 2-3 months old, which is how old our baby would be. It makes me feel comforted to think that I dreamed about our baby, and that he was a boy.
Now for the bad news, we never had any business meetings around then....haha, I'm at work so I feel paranoid about using real grown up words. I started using OPKs on CD10 so I figured we could get down to business if I got a positive, but I never did. There could be an explanation for that...for some stupid reason I never tested at work this cycle, so I was only testing in the morning and sometimes later at night. Some women don't get positives in the early morning, and sometimes my urine was too diluted for the 5:30 test, and if I didn't test again until 8-9 pm I could have easily missed a short surge. The one and only cycle I ever got a positive, the surge lasted well over 12 hours, so it's odd to me that this one would be so short I could miss it. However I don't know, maybe a varying surge length from cycle to cycle is normal.
My other issue is, the very day of my temp spike that confirmed O is the one and only day this cycle I messed up temping. I fell back to sleep during it, so I wasn't sure if it beeped or not. So I started over, but then during the second temping I sneezed twice. I have no idea how much that could have messed up the correct temp. Maybe my real temp would have been high enough to confirm O anyway, or maybe my temp was lower and I didn't O at all.
Hmm, interesting...I just played around with it a bit and lowered that days temp and it still gives me dotted CHs for two days later since I had a huge temp spike on the 18th. So with this new info, I am changing my mind, it really does look like I Od, it's awfully hard to ignore that temp spike. FF will give me solid CHs if I put in that I had watery or eggwhite CM, but I am afraid to list that because I just don't know. I think I will, I'll just have to remember I wasn't positive about it. Wow, I went from starting this post a little angry and frustrated, but now I am pretty excited to think that I probably did O. Though I am bummed we don't have a shot in hell since no boom boom, but Oing is very very good news.
Though I was a little sad when I saw what FF gave as my EDD had I been able to get KU this cycle....July 10, 2013...that's the one year annivrsary of when my grandpa died. A little sad....but it would be nice to turn a sad day into a happy one. If I were to get KU next cycle, things would be likely happening within days of everything last year. Again, it would be very nice to turn August into a happy month, and to have good news to announce on Christmas morning this year, but to get a positive HPT anytime near December 3rd will be really really scary. I'll take it though....are you listening to me IF gods, I'll still take it!
I have my next appointment with my doctor a week from today. Originally I was really hoping they'll do a progesterone draw to confirm ovulation, but now with the knowledge of that huge temp spike basically confirming that I did O, I'm not sure they will. But if it means not going forward with clomid because we think metformin is making me O, I think they'd do it. Especially if I tell her my one temp could be off...I don't think the day of the huge temp spike had any issues, but you just never know. Eeeek, I'm so excited! I hope this excitement lasts.
I had a dream last night that I had a baby. I was putting him in his carseat which then clicked into his stroller, and I was pushing him back and forth to soothe him and he was just staring at me the whole time. I think we were waiting for something...but that's it, that was the extent of my dream. It may be really stupid but....the baby was about 2-3 months old, which is how old our baby would be. It makes me feel comforted to think that I dreamed about our baby, and that he was a boy.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Done
I went out to lunch and for a pedicure with my mother-in-law today and told her what was going on at lunch. She was supportive just like I knew she would be....she seemed to be trying to take it all in, and it looked as though she maybe had questions but I think she was trying to absorb it all, cause it was kind of a lot of crappy information at once. Maybe the next time I see her she'll have some questions for me. And if not that's ok too. I'm just glad everyone knows now...well my SIL doesn't, but I told her she can tell her. So my job of telling people is done, and maybe the next time we have news it will be good.
She asked if Ryan is able to go to appointments with me, but I told her no since he can't get off work. She said if there is ever an appointment that I would like someone to go with me, she would be happy to...or if there is just anything I need. I love her, she's the best MIL ever. So the crappy news of the day, right before I spilled my news, she's spilled the news that I had been dreading. MH's cousin is pregnant. I know, shocking news right. She's probably the only person on this planet that I feel any competition with, and it's so so stupid. If she and I were still friends....like on good terms friends, not like the fake, elephant in the room friends that we had been for the last year of our friendship, I would be happy for her. As they say, sad for me, but happy for her.
But I know, even back when we were what I thought were really good friends, if I had gotten pregnant before her, she would have been pissed. Oh on the surface she would have been happy, but deep down she would have been seething because she is an unhappy person that compares her life to everyone else's and cannot truly be happy for people, because she thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. And then that, long with the other things she held in and was pissed about would eventually end our freiendship like it did, because she cannot just be content with what she has, because she always thinks everyone else has it better. I heard this great quote once, something about you cannot compare your feature film with others' highlights. Basically saying, you cannot take the nitty gritty, behind closed doors of your marriage or your life or whatever, to the public life of others, because they also have the nitty gritty behind closed door moments that no one sees but them.
So honestly, after all the shitty and just plain mean things that she has done and said to me, I really wanted to get pregnant first just to spite her and piss her off. Well...assuming this is her first and she didn't have any losses, I did get pregnant before her, it just didn't last. But, it's all stupid and I'm pissed off at myself that I let it bother me. I don't want to stoop to her level. Her having a kid before me doesn't make her a better person than me, and in fact she'll probably always be unhappy to a degree about something. If she ends up having a boy, she'd probably be jealous if I got a girl or something like that. It's just how she operates.
So of course my MIL felt awful for telling me. She was like oh geeze, that was probably the worst possible thing I could have told you today, go me. I know she feels bad, and of course the timing was laughable. I mean, why of all days? But of course she had no idea what we've been going through, and she went through a lot with her sister just like I did with his cousin and I know she enjoys having me to talk to about it, so hopefully she doesn't beat herself up too much about it, she didn't know. Now if she had told me about it after I told her of course that would have been bad, but she would never have done that.
Our little peanut is on its way....I'm not sure when, but he/she will be. They've just got a longer journey than some babies. Maybe he needs more time because he's going to be extra special :)
However this cycle isn't going well. I was hoping upping the metformin would do it, but I am on CD19 and so far nothing. I know it is still possible, but I am getting frustrated. Day after day, negative OPK after negative OPK, my temps are all over the place, they take a huge spike one day and a huge dive the next. I had a small bit of ferning on the scope the other day but then nothing today. I'm so tired of the confusion. Ryan goes for his second SA tomorrow, and then I see the doctor again a week from Tuesday. I am just really anxious to get to my next appointment so I can find out what the plan is, which is hopefully clomid and then get on with it. I need to try to have my hopes leveled, but I would of course love love love to get pregnant on the first month of clomid. Obviously at this point I know we'd be looking at a 2013 baby at the least, but I'd really love to get pregnant in 2012. I'm tired of waiting.
She asked if Ryan is able to go to appointments with me, but I told her no since he can't get off work. She said if there is ever an appointment that I would like someone to go with me, she would be happy to...or if there is just anything I need. I love her, she's the best MIL ever. So the crappy news of the day, right before I spilled my news, she's spilled the news that I had been dreading. MH's cousin is pregnant. I know, shocking news right. She's probably the only person on this planet that I feel any competition with, and it's so so stupid. If she and I were still friends....like on good terms friends, not like the fake, elephant in the room friends that we had been for the last year of our friendship, I would be happy for her. As they say, sad for me, but happy for her.
But I know, even back when we were what I thought were really good friends, if I had gotten pregnant before her, she would have been pissed. Oh on the surface she would have been happy, but deep down she would have been seething because she is an unhappy person that compares her life to everyone else's and cannot truly be happy for people, because she thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. And then that, long with the other things she held in and was pissed about would eventually end our freiendship like it did, because she cannot just be content with what she has, because she always thinks everyone else has it better. I heard this great quote once, something about you cannot compare your feature film with others' highlights. Basically saying, you cannot take the nitty gritty, behind closed doors of your marriage or your life or whatever, to the public life of others, because they also have the nitty gritty behind closed door moments that no one sees but them.
So honestly, after all the shitty and just plain mean things that she has done and said to me, I really wanted to get pregnant first just to spite her and piss her off. Well...assuming this is her first and she didn't have any losses, I did get pregnant before her, it just didn't last. But, it's all stupid and I'm pissed off at myself that I let it bother me. I don't want to stoop to her level. Her having a kid before me doesn't make her a better person than me, and in fact she'll probably always be unhappy to a degree about something. If she ends up having a boy, she'd probably be jealous if I got a girl or something like that. It's just how she operates.
So of course my MIL felt awful for telling me. She was like oh geeze, that was probably the worst possible thing I could have told you today, go me. I know she feels bad, and of course the timing was laughable. I mean, why of all days? But of course she had no idea what we've been going through, and she went through a lot with her sister just like I did with his cousin and I know she enjoys having me to talk to about it, so hopefully she doesn't beat herself up too much about it, she didn't know. Now if she had told me about it after I told her of course that would have been bad, but she would never have done that.
Our little peanut is on its way....I'm not sure when, but he/she will be. They've just got a longer journey than some babies. Maybe he needs more time because he's going to be extra special :)
However this cycle isn't going well. I was hoping upping the metformin would do it, but I am on CD19 and so far nothing. I know it is still possible, but I am getting frustrated. Day after day, negative OPK after negative OPK, my temps are all over the place, they take a huge spike one day and a huge dive the next. I had a small bit of ferning on the scope the other day but then nothing today. I'm so tired of the confusion. Ryan goes for his second SA tomorrow, and then I see the doctor again a week from Tuesday. I am just really anxious to get to my next appointment so I can find out what the plan is, which is hopefully clomid and then get on with it. I need to try to have my hopes leveled, but I would of course love love love to get pregnant on the first month of clomid. Obviously at this point I know we'd be looking at a 2013 baby at the least, but I'd really love to get pregnant in 2012. I'm tired of waiting.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
One down, one to go
I finally caught my dad at home today and told him everything. Phew, I was nervous....I first told him about the fertility doctor, and that we've been trying for a while and it wasn't going so well. He joked and said, well when the time comes, you're not going to be the next octomom are you? He always knows what to say to lighten the mood a little. I never knew this, but he said he and my mom tried for about a year when they were stationed in Montauk when they first got married but nothing happend. They then decided it wasn't really the right time anyway since they were so far from family, and then when they tried again once they were back in Michigan it happaned pretty quickly.
Like I said before, I know it's a cliche, but I really do think that sometimes life happens when you're busy doing other things. I get his point...but of course when you're not ovulating it's difficult to try that method. I can relax and put my mind on other things all I want, but since I haven't Od in almost a year, I'd say that's unlikely. But I know my dad was just trying to help.
So then I told him about the miscarriage...he took it well, and he said you know you could have shared this with us at the time. He wasn't mad or upset that I didn't, but he wanted me to know that I could have. I explained why I didn't....he also said when it happens again, not to feel pressure to tell him at any time. He said to wait until we are ready to share the news. That made me feel good, but in all likihood we will probably only wait a few weeks to tell. Like I said, I want people to know through the good and the bad. He's retiring in a couple months and he said all he'll need is enough notice to clean out the spare room and paint it so it'll be ready for him to babysit :) He said he picked up another crib the other day....yes, another, as in he already has one. It sounds like he is jinxing me into having twins, lol.
I'm really glad I told him, it is a huge weight off my shoulders. My dad is the best, he somehow always knows how to be there for you when you need it. So next weekend I'm going to tell my mother-in-law....I'll be nervous for that too, but I know she'll be really supportive too.
Like I said before, I know it's a cliche, but I really do think that sometimes life happens when you're busy doing other things. I get his point...but of course when you're not ovulating it's difficult to try that method. I can relax and put my mind on other things all I want, but since I haven't Od in almost a year, I'd say that's unlikely. But I know my dad was just trying to help.
So then I told him about the miscarriage...he took it well, and he said you know you could have shared this with us at the time. He wasn't mad or upset that I didn't, but he wanted me to know that I could have. I explained why I didn't....he also said when it happens again, not to feel pressure to tell him at any time. He said to wait until we are ready to share the news. That made me feel good, but in all likihood we will probably only wait a few weeks to tell. Like I said, I want people to know through the good and the bad. He's retiring in a couple months and he said all he'll need is enough notice to clean out the spare room and paint it so it'll be ready for him to babysit :) He said he picked up another crib the other day....yes, another, as in he already has one. It sounds like he is jinxing me into having twins, lol.
I'm really glad I told him, it is a huge weight off my shoulders. My dad is the best, he somehow always knows how to be there for you when you need it. So next weekend I'm going to tell my mother-in-law....I'll be nervous for that too, but I know she'll be really supportive too.
Friday, October 12, 2012
This and that
So MH's SA went well....er, going to do it went well, we don't have the results back yet. I am assuming they are going to wait until my next appt on the 30th to go over his SA and my CD3 b/w and u/s since they haven't called yet.
I started temping on Sunday, but after three days of vaginal temping I decided to go back to oral, so I deleted the previous temps and basically started temping on Wednesday. I hurt my back again on Sunday, and it's just too painful (I guess my arms are too short, lol) to manuever to temp that way, plus everything is difficult when I am half asleep. I am a little unsure if my temps are going to show O (if I O)...MH's alarm goes off at 5am but I don't temp until 6. The logical thing to do would be to temp at 5 and go back to sleep, but I am so out of it at 5, all I can do is toss and turn until he finally turns off the alarm around 5:40, so by the time I temp at 6 I have probably moved too much and been awake too much to really get an accurate reading. But I've decided not to stress about it, hopefully if I O, the OPKs will catch my surge and there will still be enough of a temp shift to see it.
I am really really hoping I can O with just the increased metformin....though I had hoped that when I increased from 500 to 1000, but I would say 1500 is a pretty good dosage, so maybe it will work. I started using OPKs today, negative this morning, but it's only CD10. If I O it probably won't be for another week or so. I thought I saw some ferning on the scope, but who knows, it's showed a lot of ferning before and I couldn't trust it. I'll continue to use it and hopefully in conjunction with temping and OPKs it will help reinforce what those methods are saying but I won't trust it just by itself.
So I've been going back and forth lately on when to tell our family what is going on. I kind of wanted to wait and see if I O/get pregnant this cycle, but if I don't O then I will likely start clomid next cycle, and then I would want to wait to see if I get pregnant from that....basically I just keep finding reasons to put it off. I was thinking about it the other night while I was trying to sleep, and I decided I want to tell them ASAP. Life is short, you never know what tomorrow will bring. I never told my grandma any of this and now she is gone and I so regret not having her support while she was here, so I don't want to make that same mistake again.
I am going to get a pedicure with my MIL next Saturday, so I plan on telling her then. As far as my dad, I don't know....I don't see him very often since he works so much, so I decided I'll probably tell him over the phone. Neither one of us are very good with showing emotion, so I think he would probably appreciate being told over the phone so he can react however he wants. I would guess the news that we've been trying for a while won't be too surprising, but I am not sure how he will react to the miscarriage. Even if he doesn't really feel anything in the sense of losing a grandkid or anything like that, he'll likely feel really bad that I went through that and he didn't know at the time. My brother said he felt really bad when I told him, and he felt like he should have somehow known so he could have been there for me.
I don't think anyone will be mad per se, but I am a little nervous that they'll be hurt we didn't tell them at the time. I kind of sort of regret not telling them now, but it was the right decision at the time. I am sure my dad will understand that though...he sat on the news that he had prostate cancer for months and didn't tell us until he was about to start treatment because he didn't want us to worry when there was nothing we could do. I can understand that, and the same applies here. They didn't know the good news, so why tell them the bad news....plus I was so certain we would get pregnant again right away so I wasn't ready tp spill our TTC secret yet.
The bad thing about trying to tell my dad is, it's seldom that he is sitting around doing nothing. Usually when I talk to him he is driving, or he is at work. So I've got to catch him someday when he is at home...ugh I'm nervous, but I know I will feel better once they know and I'll have additional support.
I started temping on Sunday, but after three days of vaginal temping I decided to go back to oral, so I deleted the previous temps and basically started temping on Wednesday. I hurt my back again on Sunday, and it's just too painful (I guess my arms are too short, lol) to manuever to temp that way, plus everything is difficult when I am half asleep. I am a little unsure if my temps are going to show O (if I O)...MH's alarm goes off at 5am but I don't temp until 6. The logical thing to do would be to temp at 5 and go back to sleep, but I am so out of it at 5, all I can do is toss and turn until he finally turns off the alarm around 5:40, so by the time I temp at 6 I have probably moved too much and been awake too much to really get an accurate reading. But I've decided not to stress about it, hopefully if I O, the OPKs will catch my surge and there will still be enough of a temp shift to see it.
I am really really hoping I can O with just the increased metformin....though I had hoped that when I increased from 500 to 1000, but I would say 1500 is a pretty good dosage, so maybe it will work. I started using OPKs today, negative this morning, but it's only CD10. If I O it probably won't be for another week or so. I thought I saw some ferning on the scope, but who knows, it's showed a lot of ferning before and I couldn't trust it. I'll continue to use it and hopefully in conjunction with temping and OPKs it will help reinforce what those methods are saying but I won't trust it just by itself.
So I've been going back and forth lately on when to tell our family what is going on. I kind of wanted to wait and see if I O/get pregnant this cycle, but if I don't O then I will likely start clomid next cycle, and then I would want to wait to see if I get pregnant from that....basically I just keep finding reasons to put it off. I was thinking about it the other night while I was trying to sleep, and I decided I want to tell them ASAP. Life is short, you never know what tomorrow will bring. I never told my grandma any of this and now she is gone and I so regret not having her support while she was here, so I don't want to make that same mistake again.
I am going to get a pedicure with my MIL next Saturday, so I plan on telling her then. As far as my dad, I don't know....I don't see him very often since he works so much, so I decided I'll probably tell him over the phone. Neither one of us are very good with showing emotion, so I think he would probably appreciate being told over the phone so he can react however he wants. I would guess the news that we've been trying for a while won't be too surprising, but I am not sure how he will react to the miscarriage. Even if he doesn't really feel anything in the sense of losing a grandkid or anything like that, he'll likely feel really bad that I went through that and he didn't know at the time. My brother said he felt really bad when I told him, and he felt like he should have somehow known so he could have been there for me.
I don't think anyone will be mad per se, but I am a little nervous that they'll be hurt we didn't tell them at the time. I kind of sort of regret not telling them now, but it was the right decision at the time. I am sure my dad will understand that though...he sat on the news that he had prostate cancer for months and didn't tell us until he was about to start treatment because he didn't want us to worry when there was nothing we could do. I can understand that, and the same applies here. They didn't know the good news, so why tell them the bad news....plus I was so certain we would get pregnant again right away so I wasn't ready tp spill our TTC secret yet.
The bad thing about trying to tell my dad is, it's seldom that he is sitting around doing nothing. Usually when I talk to him he is driving, or he is at work. So I've got to catch him someday when he is at home...ugh I'm nervous, but I know I will feel better once they know and I'll have additional support.
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