Anxious

Four more days until my next appointment.  I am so anxious to go, to hear the results of my CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound, the results of MH's SA and to find out what the game plan is.  FF still says I Od, but I am hesitant to really believe it.  I mean the facts seems good so far, but I've had CHs all the way up until like 12DPO, but then my period never came and FF took away the CHs.  So every morning I am nervous to enter my temp, worried my CHs will go away.

It will be so so awesome if I really did O just from upping the Metformin...but then again I got CHs the last time I upped my meds and that's when they eventually went away.  If they aren't going to do it, I'll have to request a progesterone draw to make sure I really did O.  We got our first bill for IF treatment, it was for MH's first SA, $50.  So insurance did not cover any of it, which I suspected they wouldn't since I do not have any IF testing or treatment coverage.  But it's not bad, our regular copay for an office visit is $50 so it's not like there was a huge sticker shock.  So far I haven't received any bills for the bloodwork or ultrasound...I don't think I will since right now they can say it is due to my lack of period, without really calling it IF testing.

I'm starting to really freak out about what to do about our jobs once a LO comes.  It sounds ridiculous because we have been trying for a year and a half to get pregnant, but thinking that I did O this month, or could O next month with clomid means a pregnancy could happen very soon, and I am freaked that we don't have a better job plan.  I could always make more money, but right now I am very content with my job.  I like what I do, I am good at it, I now have a wonderful boss and things are just better all around concerning office politics.  On top of that I have great benefits (aside from the IF bit) and it's an amazing company to work for.  I've been here for almost 8 years and I am fully vested in my 401K and profit sharing plans, and this place really understands that we are workers second and human beings first.  Their policy is work work play....we work hard, but they really believe in playing as well.  We have tons of contests and potlucks, charities to help out fellow co-workers as well as those in need outside the company.  It's a rare time when something fun isn't happening every week or two.

If it weren't for dealing with working and having kids one day, I could see myself working here forever.  But....I really do not want to work 40 hours a week outside the house.  I know many women do it, and I say hats off to them, but I don't want to.  I already feel stressed about working all week and trying to keep up with personal life stuff and household work, I can't imagine adding a needy baby into the mix.  We are very very lucky that my dad and probably inlaws will be able to watch the kid rather than putting them in daycare, but I don't want to over burden them.  My dad will be retiring in about a month, but my MIL and FIL are both still working at least part time.  So I am sure there will be a day here and there they could take them to relieve my dad, with their work schedule right now I don't think there are any full days they could take them.

Right now my dad is probably so starved for a grandchild that he's laugh at the idea of overburdening him....but once the kid is 2.5 and is being bratty, I am sure watching him or her for a full 40 hours a week will get very tiring.  I don't want to do that to my dad, I'm already insanely grateful we can avoid the daycare route, I don't want to ask that much of him.  Also, my friend has this issue....they don't really get the opportunity to go out on the weekends very much because she doesn't want to ask her parents to babysit when they have had the kid all week long, and they only watch them part time since she only works 20-25 hours a week.  Maybe when they're like 7 or 8 I would be cool with a teenage kid babysitting or something, but I would never trust anyone but family and very close friends to watch my kids when they are really little.

So, the original plan was for me to get online teaching jobs last year when I finished school.  That way I could do that while still doing my day job for a while to make sure I like it, make sure it pays enough and for the time being, it would be extra money in my pocket until I could quit my regular job, and just do the online thing from home.  My plan for that was to get whatever work done I could during the day, say when LO is napping or playing contently in a swing or something, and when MH is home from work.  Then maybe half a day a week my inlaws could take him so I could get some real work done, and another day my dad could take them.  But the downside with that was, it's a contract job and would not offer benefits, so I would have to either purchase private insurance which is crazy expensive, or MH would need a job with benefits. 

Well a whole year has gone by since I finished school and I have only applied to one school, from which I have heard nothing.  My new goal is to try to apply to at least one school every weekend, but that still doesn't make me feel better...I had intended to be doing the job by now, to be working for at least one school, hopefully teaching 3 or 4 classes. 

My back up plan if the online teaching thing doesn't work out, is to work someplace part time.  That might actually not be so bad, because I would still have time with my kid, but also stay socialized with other adults and have some independence.  The problem like that, I will likely not find anything that pays great in my field that's only part time.  So I might have to take a job that pays less, and a part time job likely wouldn't offer benefits, so again MH needs a job with benefits.

I really wish I could stay with my current company and work part time....I will ask of course when the time comes, but as far as I know there aren't any part time opportunities, and as much as my boss may like me, they aren't going to change the way they operate just to offer me a part time position.  So if MH doesn't find something very soon with benefits, I may be forced into working full time.  I hate to sound whiney about it, because like I said I know plenty of women do it....but despite the stress and despite however hard it may be, a big reason I don't want to do it is I just don't want to be away from my kid for 40 + hours a week (50 with communting).  I want to raise my kid, I want to spend the majority of the day with them.  My mom never worked once she got married, and I had an amazing childhood at home with her until I went to preschool.

We baked together, she took me to things at the library.  I cherished my time at home with her and I would love to give that to my kid as well.  The ONLY plus side to being forced into working full time would be that since I now have my masters, I could get a better job that pays way more.  Then maybe I could afford to do like two days of daycare a week so my dad isn't overloaded.  Or maybe he could do the full 40 for the first year or two, and then as the kid gets older and needs to be socialized we could look into a couple days of daycare or preschool or something.  Like I said, I would be content with staying at my job forever otherwise, but I don't make nearly enough money for the level of education that I have, and it would be dumb to not take advanatge of that and get a job that pays about 20 grand more a year.

Erg, I don't know....the optimist in me want to just say everything will work themselves out in the end, but sometimes I get really anxious over the whole thing, worrying about what to do.