Done

I went out to lunch and for a pedicure with my mother-in-law today and told her what was going on at lunch.  She was supportive just like I knew she would be....she seemed to be trying to take it all in, and it looked as though she maybe had questions but I think she was trying to absorb it all, cause it was kind of a lot of crappy information at once.  Maybe the next time I see her she'll have some questions for me.  And if not that's ok too.  I'm just glad everyone knows now...well my SIL doesn't, but I told her she can tell her.  So my job of telling people is done, and maybe the next time we have news it will be good.

She asked if Ryan is able to go to appointments with me, but I told her no since he can't get off work.  She said if there is ever an appointment that I would like someone to go with me, she would be happy to...or if there is just anything I need.  I love her, she's the best MIL ever.  So the crappy news of the day, right before I spilled my news, she's spilled the news that I had been dreading.  MH's cousin is pregnant.  I know, shocking news right.  She's probably the only person on this planet that I feel any competition with, and it's so so stupid.  If she and I were still friends....like on good terms friends, not like the fake, elephant in the room friends that we had been for the last year of our friendship, I would be happy for her.  As they say, sad for me, but happy for her.

But I know, even back when we were what I thought were really good friends, if I had gotten pregnant before her, she would have been pissed.  Oh on the surface she would have been happy, but deep down she would have been seething because she is an unhappy person that compares her life to everyone else's and cannot truly be happy for people, because she thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.  And then that, long with the other things she held in and was pissed about would eventually end our freiendship like it did, because she cannot just be content with what she has, because she always thinks everyone else has it better.  I heard this great quote once, something about you cannot compare your feature film with others' highlights.  Basically saying, you cannot take the nitty gritty, behind closed doors of your marriage or your life or whatever, to the public life of others, because they also have the nitty gritty behind closed door moments that no one sees but them.

So honestly, after all the shitty and just plain mean things that she has done and said to me, I really wanted to get pregnant first just to spite her and piss her off.  Well...assuming this is her first and she didn't have any losses, I did get pregnant before her, it just didn't last.  But, it's all stupid and I'm pissed off at myself that I let it bother me.  I don't want to stoop to her level.  Her having a kid before me doesn't make her a better person than me, and in fact she'll probably always be unhappy to a degree about something.  If she ends up having a boy, she'd probably be jealous if I got a girl or something like that.  It's just how she operates.

So of course my MIL felt awful for telling me.  She was like oh geeze, that was probably the worst possible thing I could have told you today, go me.  I know she feels bad, and of course the timing was laughable.  I mean, why of all days?  But of course she had no idea what we've been going through, and she went through a lot with her sister just like I did with his cousin and I know she enjoys having me to talk to about it, so hopefully she doesn't beat herself up too much about it, she didn't know.  Now if she had told me about it after I told her of course that would have been bad, but she would never have done that.

Our little peanut is on its way....I'm not sure when, but he/she will be.  They've just got a longer journey than some babies.  Maybe he needs more time because he's going to be extra special :)

However this cycle isn't going well.  I was hoping upping the metformin would do it, but I am on CD19 and so far nothing.  I know it is still possible, but I am getting frustrated.  Day after day, negative OPK after negative OPK, my temps are all over the place, they take a huge spike one day and a huge dive the next.  I had a small bit of ferning on the scope the other day but then nothing today.  I'm so tired of the confusion.  Ryan goes for his second SA tomorrow, and then I see the doctor again a week from Tuesday.  I am just really anxious to get to my next appointment so I can find out what the plan is, which is hopefully clomid and then get on with it.  I need to try to have my hopes leveled, but I would of course love love love to get pregnant on the first month of clomid.  Obviously at this point I know we'd be looking at a 2013 baby at the least, but I'd really love to get pregnant in 2012.  I'm tired of waiting.