Confrontation

I wrote a while back about a friend whom I had a falling out with right after my miscarriage.  In a nutshell, I regretfully told her I was pregnant, even though at that point I was really nervous it wasn't going to end well.  The very next day I miscarried....when I came back to work, I laid low for a few days and after about a week I realized she hadn't called me to go out on break, which we we usually did twice a day, every single day for the last 4 years.

She wasn't just a co-worker, she was a good friend, was one of my bridesmaids....so I was kind of hurt that it had been well over a week and she hadn't checked up to see how I was doing, let alone called me for our usual break.  I know sometimes it can be hard to know what to say when a friend goes through something hard, but it just seems like in the age of FB, texting, emailing etc, it wouldn't be that hard to drop a quick message and say hey, thinking about you.

After a while I got over being hurt, because no matter what I thought she should have done, I know she didn't do anything to intentionally hurt me.  And, I'll admit I haven't always been the best friend I should have been in the past.  A friend of mine had two miscarriages before going on to have a healthy pregnancy....did I check up on her afterward?  Was I there for her when I should have been?  Not really...so I know there are crappy things in life that people don't always know what to do if they haven't experienced it.

So for the last year we've waved hello to each other in passing, liked each others' posts on FB, but nothing has been the same between us.  We haven't talked, or hung out one on one at all since before my miscarriage.  We work on different floors so it took me a while to realize she no longer works here.  Last night she wished us a happy annviersary on FB, so I put my big girl panties on and sent her a message.  I told her I don't know what happaned between us, and that I never said anything before because I suck at confrontation, but that I missed her and hope everything is ok with her, since I don't know the circumstances surrounding why she doesn't work here anymore.

Now I'm nervous to see if she wrote back.  I think more than likely what happaned was, I was in a daze for the first several days after my m/c....she usually called me to go out for break because she is the smoker, so we just went when she wanted to smoke.  So when she didn't call me, I didn't bother to call to go out either.  I think maybe she was giving me space, perhaps treating me how she would want to be treated if in my shoes (or maybe she's been in my shoes, I don't really know).  And like most friendships that end for no apparent reason, the lack of communication killed it.  I felt angry at her for not being there for me more, but maybe she felt like I was shutting myself off from people, and after so long it just got too awkward to say anything and the more time that went by, the more and more awkward things got.

Sometimes a part of me just says to let things go, she doesn't even work here anymore so even if we had stayed good friends, we would have likely lost touch somewhat once she left here anyway.  But then I think about how she reacted when I told her I was pregnant.  The second the words left my lips, she teared up and said I'm going to be an auntie?  I get sad when I look at my wedding pictures and see that our friendship barely lasted past our one year anniversary.  I miss my friend. 

So I hope she wrote back, and I hope there isn't some big thing that she was mad at me for that I was completely oblivious to.  Even if things don't change much and we don't really hang out much, I would like to at least get this elephant out of the room whenever I think of her, and forever wonder what happened with us.  I'd like to be able to call her when I get pregnant again and have her be a part of my life.