So sleepy- 37 wks 1 day

I have just two weeks of work left.  How did that happen?  I started the countdown at like 8 or 9 weeks, and in a flash I’m down to 2.  Not that I am complaining, this past week has really dragged by.  I’ve had very little work to do, which is nice….especially considering how busy I was at Christmas.  But it makes the day go by so slowly.  On top of that I’ve been so exhausted, either from end of pregnancy exhaustion, or due to this lovely cold I have, or both.  So most days I am sitting at my desk with nothing to do, fighting to stay awake.  I wish I could start my leave now, but I’m already going to be off for almost a week by the time she comes, I would hate to waste two more before she gets here.   I would imagine my first day taking her to my dad’s and going back to work is going to be awful, so I don’t want to waste any more time than I have to without her.

But the good news is, neither of my last two weeks are 40 hour weeks.  I have one more vacation day…I could save it for after my leave, but I’m just so tired and in pain and discomfort, so I decided to give myself a three day weekend and take Monday off.  My cold is starting to get better, but sometimes they can really take a long time to fully go away, and the last thing I want is to still be sick when I deliver.  So I pretty much plan on getting as much sleep as possible this weekend to try to get over it.  Then Tuesday and Friday I leave at 2 for my NSTs.  The following week, I leave at 2 on Tuesday for the doc and then Thursday is my last day.  It was supposed to be Friday but my doctor’s office filled out my paperwork wrong, so they have my first day of leave as Friday.  It’s only one day, and I figured re-doing the paperwork would be more hassle than it’s worth.  Besides, I don’t mind having one more day to relax.  I can leisurely go for my NST that day (my last one, whohoo!) and then maybe I’ll see if my daddy wants to go out to lunch.  That sounds like a good plan.

Also in good news, we finished the dresser last night, so all of the furniture is assembled.  Well, I finished it, but it was fun, I like putting stuff together.  Ryan was a little sad when he saw it done, he said he can’t take any pride in the room because I did it all.  Not true; he did 95% of the crib, we both put the rocker together, him and his dad framed in the closet and put the doors on, and he’ll put up the ceiling fan.  I call that a joint effort.  I started to put some stuff away last night….I got the changing pad and the cover on, I hung the diaper stacker on the wall….I still have some more laundry to do but when that’s done I’ll put those clothes away.  I need to do a little more decorating, hang the curtains and we need to order blinds for the window.  Right now we have crappy mini blinds up, but they’ll do till we can get the better ones ordered.

So far I love how the room looks, it’s just how I pictured it.  We ordered a wall written the other day, those stick on sayings you can put on walls.  We ended up ordering the same one I wanted to get for Kayla…I was a little hesitant at first but couldn’t find anything else we liked, and Ryan liked this one a lot.  But we found a different layout that we liked, so at least it’s not the same identical thing we were getting for her.  It says, “With a butterfly kiss and a lady bug hug, sleep tight little one like a bug in a rug”. 

I’m a little bummed that it doesn’t look like my work is throwing me a shower.  I still have two weeks left, but I doubt it’s happening.  I invited two of my co-workers, whom I consider friends, to my friends and family shower.  They couldn’t make it but they went in together and got us a gift.  And just the other day another lady gave me a gift.  If they had something planned as a group, I doubt they would have done that.  I don’t want to sound gift grabby, we have everything we need for now, and can easily buy the things we need down the road like baby gates and the high chair.  But it’s common place to throw people showers here for weddings and babies.  So I think it’s crappy that they aren’t throwing me one, when everyone else got one.  I suspect it is due to my loss, they’re maybe hesitant, not certain I am comfortable with one.  But if that were the case, either ask me if I am comfortable with the idea, or talk to some of my friends.  Since I had a shower with my friends and family, obviously I am ok with it.

I’m also mad because I feel like I get the shaft a lot when it comes to this.  Most everyone else for their showers, they set up for it while they were in a meeting, so when they came out they were completely surprised by the decorations and food, and their spouse would be sitting at their cube and stayed for the shower.  But for my bridal shower, it was blabbed months before hand when it would be so it wasn’t a surprise, I often heard people bickering about what kind of food to have for it, I walked in that morning to them decorating my desk….I already knew about it so they didn’t feel the need to do it before I came in, and worst of all, they claim they couldn’t figure out how to get ahold of Ryan to invite him.  By the time they did, it was the day before and it was too short of notice and he couldn’t come.  Well, how did they manage to get ahold of all of the other spouses?  The food was good and the gift was nice (the knife set I think, though my co-worker told me she had to adamantly talk my weird boss at the time out of getting me lingerie.  She kept swearing it would be something nice and tasteful.  My friend was like no, she’ll be mortified, this is her workplace, it’s not appropriate) but I’m still pretty bummed about how my bridal shower went and how little effort people seemed to put into it to make it a nice surprise like everyone else’s.  I’ve also had a birthday forgotten (we celebrate everyone’s birthday too with cake and a gift) and it was almost forgotten another year but my friend reminded my boss at the time. 

So I just kind of feel like this happens to me a lot.  Like I said, it’s not about the gifts, but we have waited a long time to have a baby and it would have been nice if people got together, planned a nice shower that Ryan could have come to…it would have meant a lot to me.  Especially considering how people have acted since my loss….they were avoidant at best, or rude and hurtful at worst.  Yes a few select people went out of their way to ask me what happened and genuinely cared, but the overall treatment I received once I came back wasn’t great, and now this.  I feel like, because I went through one of the worst experiences I could go through, now I am also getting jipped out of celebrating like everyone else gets too.  Jill, the other woman on my floor that was pregnant when I lost Kayla, I was told they specifically had her shower before I came back from leave so it wouldn’t upset me.  THAT was very nice and considerate, but at the same time it kind of makes me angry.  She not only got to have her baby, but she also got a shower and then proceeded to bring the baby in and make my life miserable for a few hours.  Clearly anger is still one of my strongest emotions surrounded our loss.

This guy in my department that had a baby last year, he kind of got the shaft too.  They weren’t going to do anything for him apparently but someone spoke up and said um, are we getting him anything or doing anything for him.  So a few of us went in together and got him a gift….but he didn’t get a luncheon, his wife wasn’t invited.  We just all gathered around and gave him his present, and I suspect that was because he’s the guy.  If it had been his pregnant wife that worked here, more would have been done, but because he himself wasn’t the pregnant one, he was almost overlooked.  I just think it’s crappy to pick and choose….either do the same thing for everyone, or do nothing.  I suppose I could eat my words and still get a shower in the next two weeks, but like I said, with my reduced schedule for the remaining time, and the fact that my boss knows I could go into labor any day now, I’d be surprised if they still had something up their sleeves.  Oh well, makes me feel less guilty about not bringing her in for the whole department to see, and at least my friends and family went to great lengths to throw me an awesome shower.

I’m supposed to have dinner with my friend that is in town but I think I might cancel.  I feel bad, I haven’t seen her in a few years, but I just don’t want to go.  If it was with just her that would be better, but her know it all husband will be there and their three kids….he’s an ok guy, but he has some sort of quip to say about everyone and everything.  I don’t even feel comfortable telling her what happened to my dad because I know he will have something to say about it.  If he says something like well he wasn’t paying attention or something about had he done such and such with his fingers they could have reattached, I’ll lose my shit.  Plus, she wanted to eat Mediterranean, which I normally love, but it irritates my tongue so bad right now.  I really don’t want to spend the next week speaking with a lisp and my tongue hurting.  I’m also still really really tired and sick, and I have new pregnancy pains today.  I don’t think I’ve ever canceled on her before, and I think I have legit reasons too, but still I feel bad.  But not bad enough to still go I guess. 

 My new pain is my pelvic bones hurt...like the entire area hurts when I get up and walk around, it hurts to put pants on, to go upstairs. I didn't see my doctor today but I asked my nurse about it.  As soon as I said it feels like I've been on a horse, she said yep!  So ok, it's normal, whew,  It's funny because whenever someone talks about her coming soon, I'm like no, I'm not ready yet.  But when it comes to stuff like this, I'm like ooh maybe this is a sign that my body is getting ready for her arrival, maybe it's progress, and I'm excited.

I made a supply of padsicles the other day.  I really hope they help.  If anyone needs the recipe, they're easy to make....just buy a package of big overnight pads, unwrap each one but leave the plastic on since you're going to fold them back up.  Next put down your liquids onto the pad....two tablespoons of witch hazel, one tablespoon of aloe and one teaspoon of Jojoba oil.  The aloe, if using the gel will need to be rubbed in a little.  Then just wrap the pad back up and shove them all in a gallon freezer bag (or two) and stick in the freezer.  The coldness of the pad and the ingredients are supposed to be very soothing and healing after a vaginal delivery.  I just hope I get a vaginal delivery and get to use them.