Anxiety with a side of guilt- 31 wks 1 day

I've been a little MIA lately.  Blogger no longer likes internet explorer which is what I use at work, and by the time I get home I am so exhausted I haven't been able to keep my eyes open to write.  But it's Friday night of a three day weekend, pizza is on it's way (and a salad for me) and I'm feeling relatively awake.

So since I got past my milestone and Vday, I have been feeling pretty good.  Much of my stress and pgal brain has lifted, but in the recent weeks it seems to have been replaced with guilt, which makes me anxious.  My shower is in two weeks, which I am soooo excited for.  I can't wait to see everyone, eat good food, see what people got for Boo and celebrate my girl.  But that also makes me feel guilty.  We've anticipated and celebrated her arrival in small doses since she came into being, but this is a whole afternoon, with the focus being on celebrating Boo....and it makes me feel guilty.

We never got to celebrate Kayla in a big way.  I know it's just how it worked out, we definitely would have if things had turned out differently.  But the guilt really hit me when I was making the picture poster for my shower.  It won't let me post a picture, but at the top is a pic of Ryan and I, then a few of our baby pictures, and then several of Boo's ultrasound pics.  The poster says, "First we had each other, then we had you, now we have everything".

I know I cannot incorporate Kayla into my every move of every day, but it feels like that poster completely ignores her.  She was our everything, both of my daughters are my everything.....but Boo also deserves her day to shine.  Ugh, being pgal, and soon pal (parenting after a loss) is so hard.

I also feel guilty when I complain about things.  I'm starting to get really uncomfortable.  I'm not sleeping well so I am tired all the time, even when I am physically awake I just feel blah and don't want to get up off the couch.  At night I feel three times as big, just squating down to pick something up hurts (my knees!) and getting back up makes me out of breathe, my upper back is always tight and sore.  And then the kicks....I liked them week 18ish through 25 or so....but now they're different.  They don't hurt per se, but sometimes they just feel icky, especially when she goes crazy, or kicks low a lot.

Sometimes I just sit there and secretly wish she would mellow out a bit and give me some relief....but then once she stops kicking for a while, I freak out and plead with her to kick.  I think to myself if she would just kick and let me know she is ok, I'll feel so much better and I'll never be annoyed with her kicks ever again.  But sure enough once she starts her marathon kicking again, I am annoyed and it feels weird.  It's an endless cycle.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, when I lost Kayla I would have taken all of this and more if it meant having her back.  On the occasions I think of losing Boo, my heart hurts so bad I cannot even stand to imagine it.  But I'm tired.  I'm sore.  Am I a horrible person for wanting my body back?  I'm so over GD, I'm tired of hearing all of the things people get to eat; I'm tired of worrying about what I put into my mouth and how it affects Boo.  For the most part my sugars are good and my doctors are happy, and I haven't gained any weight, but I still wonder, is it really well controlled?  What if there is something I am missing and I am hurting her somehow?  I want to get back into better shape and pretty much stay on this diet even once she's here, but right now I am tired of everything I do with my body affecting her as well.

If I want to splurge on a Friday night and eat a few slices of pizza, some breadsticks and pepsi, I want the worst thing to happen to be my diet gets set back one day and I maybe don't lose an extra half a pound, rather than constantly worry what it might do to Boo.  I'm 31 weeks pregnant, but counting last year I've been pregnant now for 53 weeks with just a short break in between, and I still have 9 to go, with the worst of the discomfort and pain still ahead of me.

But I feel like I should not only be accepting of these things, I should welcome them with open arms, because it means my baby is here and alive, and I am a shitty mother for complaining about a few months of discomfort.  I know there are plenty of women whose hearts are freshly broken right now, who would give anything to complain about their sore back and being winded getting off the couch, if it meant their babies were alive.

So that's where I am at, surrounded by a sea of guilt. 

I went to the doctor yesterday, no ultrasound this time, a bit of a bummer.  I was looking forward to seeing Boo and finding out how big she is now.  But he checked my cervix and said all is well.  I go back next week already, not sure if he's starting me on my weekly appts already, or if it's just due to scheduling, but the week after that I start my twice weekly NSTs.  Ugh, twice weekly, that's going to be rough.  If I am on weekly appts now, that means appts three times a week, or at the very least two appts every other week, and three on the other weeks. 

I don't have enough sick time to cover my time off, so pretty much from now until I go on maternity leave, I'll have to not take any lunches and go into work an hour early everyday in order to make up 6-9 hours a week. The nurse said if I absolutely cannot make it on day, I could go after hours to L&D and have my NST done there.  That's a good option for when I need it, but I don't feel right about going say, once a week.  The beds and staff available are for women in labor or having difficulties.  I don't feel right about taking up space on a regular basis for NSTs because I don't want to go during work hours.

On a fun note though, we've been getting several gifts lately.  My mom's friend sent us one of those bundle me fleece covers for the car seat, some wash cloths and hooded towels.  My two friends at work surprised me today with the bouncer, and Ryan's aunt and uncle sent us a willow tree figurine (New Life, the father is holding the baby and the mother is gazing upon him or her over dad's shoulder) a little rabbit "woobie" type thing and two crinkly fabric "books".  All very cute, I love coming home and finding packages on my porch.  Of course I kind of already know they're coming since I am......yes, I am a registry stalker.  My husband hates that I do it, but I think it's fun.