I finally made the dreaded call to my RE today and made an appointment for May 14th. The call wasn't so hard, I was definitely ready to make it today. The other days I tried I was way too nervous. It's good timing too because we figure we'll be ready to try around mid to late May. I sometimes worry that we're trying too soon, either because I am worried that people will think we're replacing her, or because I'm concerned that we're just not emotionally ready and I don't know how to know when we'll be ready. But I realized today that it will be two months when we try, that's not super early. It just feels early because it feels like we just lost her yesterday, it doesn't feel like it's been 5 weeks already.
I guess technically I don't even really need to go to the RE. Upping my Metformin is what made me O last time, and I still have my medicine, I could just start taking it again. We never did an HSG on me before and I doubt she'd want to do one now, and my husband has already had his SA's. But I just feel better to have the support of my RE. Once I do get pregnant, I want the bloodwork to make sure my betas are increasing properly, and I want the six and eight week ultrasounds. Due to my history, my OB would likely do that too, but since I know for certain my RE will do it, I'll go that route.
Speaking of my RE, I thought maybe I ovulated the other day. I finally stopped spotting on the day that marked one month, and then I had some pains on my right side and my temp spiked a bit. I put in a dummy temp the next day and it gave me dotted CH's since I didn't have CM or OPKs recorded or anything. But the next morning my temp took a huge nosedive, so so much for that theory.
So I can't sleep for shit right now...once I am asleep I never want to wake up, but I can't get to sleep at night. I've never been a great sleeper, I can't fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow like my husband can....and can I just say I hate him for that. I'm so jealous when I'm laying there tossing and turning and he's asleep within a second of laying down. So I'm not a stranger to taking a little while to fall asleep, but pregnancy spoiled me. Sure I woke up anytime I rolled over because it either hurt my back, or I got tangled up in my body pillow and I got up once or twice...sometimes three to pee, but it was so nice to fall asleep as soon as I crawled into bed because I was so tired. And that was with taking an hour or two nap everynight. I have to say, I am not looking forward to being pregnant again in the first trimester....the uncertainty and the worry, not to mention waiting to find out what symptoms are going to plague you. But I will welcome first tri naps back with open arms. I loved my first tri naps. I could nap every evening with no guilt because you know, I was growing a human and all....and then I could still fall asleep easily when I went to bed at 10:30 or 11 which is very early for me.
So I've tried Zzquil and Unisom but so far neither of them work. They relax me a tiny bit, but they don't knock me out at all, I still lie there for a while before falling asleep. I thought about calling my OB for an rx, but hopefully once I am back to work and forced to get up early, I'll be able to sleep easier at night, as long as I can resist an evening nap that is.
I saw my therapist today. I love him. I always feel so emotionally cleansed after a session. He said it sounds like I am progressing well through my grief. He said he isn't hearing a lot of bargaining and blaming myself. He said of course I'll be sad and grieving for a while, but that I seem to be dealing with it well and in a healthy way. I've been pretty numb the last couple weeks, and he agrees it is likely due to the Zoloft. I haven't cried in two weeks, which is odd for me even when I am not grieving, I can tear up over a good commercial or greeting card. He said it's probably taking the edge off for me, which may be what I need right now. It's like my soul feels sad and is crying, but I am stuck in a calm body. Though I guess it is better than an aching heart.
I was browsing Tshirts the other night because we want to order shirts that we can wear when we do remembrance walks for her. So as I am looking through them, I see a lot of shirts about pregnancy loss awareness, and mommy of an angel shirts. Then I came across one that said I Heart Miscarriage. WTF? I was so disdurbed by that I actually reported it to the company as offensive. They're still deciding if it violates their rules and if it will be discontinued, but I can't for the life of me figure out what they were trying to convey.
I mean, I get raising awareness about it, and I totally get loving the baby that was lost to miscarriage, but there is absolutely nothing to love about miscarriage. That's like proudly wearing a shirt that says I heart cancer, or I heart murder. I'm also pissed off that women who have experienced this loss, and who are browsing through these shirts have to see this bizarre shirt. I really hope they agree to take it down. Otherwise I definitely will not be shopping there.
We ordered Kayla's gravestone just a few days after the funeral, and the proof was supposed to be in within about two weeks. So it's been more like three or four, so I called today to see what was the hold up. Apparently the butterflies that we ordered for it are too big for the stone, and the manufacture just never called to let anyone know. Nice. The woman at the cemetary is supposed to call me back, but I am not sure what to do now. We weren't really given any guidelines as to which graphics would fit and which wouldn't, so what's to say if we pick another one, that it will fit? I also really like the butterflies...it was going to sort of be the unofficial theme of her nursery and my shower, so when I see butterflies I think of her.
My dad took us out to dinner tonight for my birthday. It's not until Friday, but he'll be out of town. We went to this little Italian place that I love, it was so good. My brother was working late, but his girlfriend came with us. Afterward we were so full, so she and I decided to go for a walk so Ryan took off, and I rode home with her. So we went for a nice 30 minute walk, it flew by since we talked the whole time. I wish she lived closer so we could walk together more often. When we were almost back to my house, a car drove by and honked, it was my brother. Melissa didn't have her phone on her, so we joked that he must have secretly chipped her to know where she was. Turns out he had talked to my husband and decided to come over. So they hung out for a little while, it was fun. We're all going out for sushi for birthday celebration number two on Saturday. I figure if my birthday has to suck so much, I might as well do a lot of celebrating. I can't wait for the sushi, the last time we went I had this one roll, it was coconut shrimp...ugh it was one of the best foods I ever had in my life. I am drooling, I can't wait.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Feeling bitter
Against my better judgement, I watched the show "I didn't know I was pregnant" yesterday. It made me angry. First because I think most of these women are in denial. They think if they just ignore it, it will go away or will not be true. For the women that truly didn't know, if there is such a thing, they didn't even necessarily want kids. They weren't in love with their little peanut, they weren't praying every night that he or she would be ok, and they weren't getting any kind of prenatal care whatsoever, but all of their babies were ok.
Before I even got pregnant, I charted my temperatures, I peed on a lot of sticks, I took medication, I tried losing weight, I made half a dozen trips to my RE to get poked and prodded. Once I was pregnant, I gave up pop, I ate better, I went through countless fasting blood tests where I had to come back later to finish the test to check my sugar. I had uncomfortable and painful exams, I sat in a lab for three hours for the GD test, I went on a strict diet when I was doagnosed with GD, I poked my fingers several times a day, I took time off work to go for every two week appts starting at 18 weeks and I would do it all again plus more, but our baby wasn't ok. Our baby was very loved and very wanted and there isn't anything I wouldn't have done for her, but she was taken from us anyway. I can wonder for the rest of my life, but I don't think I'll ever find the answer to why.
Some people, well meaning as they are, have suggested that God took her now to spare her of suffering later on. Of course we have no way of knowing what awaited her in her life. But that doesn't make sense to me. Lots of people suffer in their lives, how come someone with cancer didn't die in utero so they wouldn't have to suffer later? How come the monsters that bombed the Boston Marathon didn't die at birth so they wouldn't commit that crime? I know others are seeking asnwers as well, and maybe that idea makes them feel better to know Kayla avoided a life of hurt somehow, but it doesn't make sense to me and therefore does not make me feel better.
My husband broke my heart today. When he got home from work, without even a word on the subject, he sighed and said "I'm never going to get over this. I'm never going to find a way to get over it". Then he was telling me about this other guy at work whose wife just lost a 5 week pregnancy. Now let me just say, I of course know every lost pregnancy is painful, I've had an early loss as well and it hurt like hell. For our next pregnancy I know I will worry like hell in the first trimester about another early loss. But I'm sorry, an early loss and a late loss are very very different. There is a huge difference between losing a baby you only knew you had for a few days or weeks, and holding your sleeping baby in your arms and saying goodbye. So my husband is a little hurt that people at work seem to be giving this guy more sympathy than him. So Ryan went up to him today and said hey I'm sorry for your loss. Then he pointed to his tattoo and he said he just lost his baby girl a few weeks ago and the guy just said yeah I heard. No sorry for your loss, or I'm sorry to hear that.
I feel bad for him that people aren't really there for him. And it killed me to hear him utter the words, "I lost my baby girl". I know how much he loved her and it breaks my heart. We were watching Teen Mom last night and the one little girl is about 3 and soooo cute. I looked over at him and he smiled and said she's adorable. I know he was thinking about Kayla then, wondering what she would have looked like at that age. I've said it before, but I really really hope our next baby is another girl. Not to replace her, or not to be like a Kayla #2, but I so badly want my husband to have his little girl. We'll of course love a boy just as much, but when I see us with a baby, it's a little girl.
On a better note, the ladies from the July '13 board on the bump are amazing. I got a package from them yesterday containing some candy (which I cannot seem to stay away from) sympathy cards and some even sent gift cards. I am so overwhelmed by their kind words and generosity, especially those that spent their hard earned money on a gift card so we could enjoy a dinner out without hassle. I am sure other BMB's are great too, but I am convinced I was a part of the best BMB there was and I am so sad not to be a part of it anymore. Counting myself, the board has had three later losses just in the last month. I hope there are no more...as sad as I am to not be one of the happy pregnant women anymore, I truly hope no other woman of the group has to endure the pain that we are.
Before I even got pregnant, I charted my temperatures, I peed on a lot of sticks, I took medication, I tried losing weight, I made half a dozen trips to my RE to get poked and prodded. Once I was pregnant, I gave up pop, I ate better, I went through countless fasting blood tests where I had to come back later to finish the test to check my sugar. I had uncomfortable and painful exams, I sat in a lab for three hours for the GD test, I went on a strict diet when I was doagnosed with GD, I poked my fingers several times a day, I took time off work to go for every two week appts starting at 18 weeks and I would do it all again plus more, but our baby wasn't ok. Our baby was very loved and very wanted and there isn't anything I wouldn't have done for her, but she was taken from us anyway. I can wonder for the rest of my life, but I don't think I'll ever find the answer to why.
Some people, well meaning as they are, have suggested that God took her now to spare her of suffering later on. Of course we have no way of knowing what awaited her in her life. But that doesn't make sense to me. Lots of people suffer in their lives, how come someone with cancer didn't die in utero so they wouldn't have to suffer later? How come the monsters that bombed the Boston Marathon didn't die at birth so they wouldn't commit that crime? I know others are seeking asnwers as well, and maybe that idea makes them feel better to know Kayla avoided a life of hurt somehow, but it doesn't make sense to me and therefore does not make me feel better.
My husband broke my heart today. When he got home from work, without even a word on the subject, he sighed and said "I'm never going to get over this. I'm never going to find a way to get over it". Then he was telling me about this other guy at work whose wife just lost a 5 week pregnancy. Now let me just say, I of course know every lost pregnancy is painful, I've had an early loss as well and it hurt like hell. For our next pregnancy I know I will worry like hell in the first trimester about another early loss. But I'm sorry, an early loss and a late loss are very very different. There is a huge difference between losing a baby you only knew you had for a few days or weeks, and holding your sleeping baby in your arms and saying goodbye. So my husband is a little hurt that people at work seem to be giving this guy more sympathy than him. So Ryan went up to him today and said hey I'm sorry for your loss. Then he pointed to his tattoo and he said he just lost his baby girl a few weeks ago and the guy just said yeah I heard. No sorry for your loss, or I'm sorry to hear that.
I feel bad for him that people aren't really there for him. And it killed me to hear him utter the words, "I lost my baby girl". I know how much he loved her and it breaks my heart. We were watching Teen Mom last night and the one little girl is about 3 and soooo cute. I looked over at him and he smiled and said she's adorable. I know he was thinking about Kayla then, wondering what she would have looked like at that age. I've said it before, but I really really hope our next baby is another girl. Not to replace her, or not to be like a Kayla #2, but I so badly want my husband to have his little girl. We'll of course love a boy just as much, but when I see us with a baby, it's a little girl.
On a better note, the ladies from the July '13 board on the bump are amazing. I got a package from them yesterday containing some candy (which I cannot seem to stay away from) sympathy cards and some even sent gift cards. I am so overwhelmed by their kind words and generosity, especially those that spent their hard earned money on a gift card so we could enjoy a dinner out without hassle. I am sure other BMB's are great too, but I am convinced I was a part of the best BMB there was and I am so sad not to be a part of it anymore. Counting myself, the board has had three later losses just in the last month. I hope there are no more...as sad as I am to not be one of the happy pregnant women anymore, I truly hope no other woman of the group has to endure the pain that we are.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Thankful
My blog has been very depressing lately, for good reason of course, but I thought I'd try to be more positive today.
For the new readers, a bit of a background. My grandparents died last summer within three weeks of each other. I adored them; we've always been close but as my mom's parents, we became even closer when she died almost 9 years ago as they were my link to her and me for them. My grandpa was in the nursing home, trying to get strong enough to go home after his kidneys had begun failing him. One day I took my grandma to see him as I did once or twice a week, and she was talking about their neighbors baby.
By that point my husband and I had been married for a year and a half, so while they may have suspected, they didn't know we were TTC and of our struggles. So upon the word baby, my grandpa perked up and said "Baby? Are we getting a new baby? I like babies"! She explained no, that she was talking about the neighbors baby, and they we would try when we were ready....but she hoped it would be while they were still around.
So when they died, I was so sad that they would never see our kids. As I said in my eulogy for him, my grandpa was a man born to be a grandpa. He was such a kid himself and he always had so much fun with us when we were little so it really pained me that he would never get to see his great-grandkids As much as I want Kayla here with us, it brings tears to my eyes to think of my grandpa up in Heaven, holding her with a huge smile on his face.
I was sad that my mom would never know her granddaughter and it makes me happy to know that Kayla is surrounded by people who love her in Heaven....my mom, my grandparents, my grandpa, Ryan's Gamma, and Brenda's son.
I will never ever wish that none of this had happaned. I wish it would have turned out differently, but I am so thankful for the time that we had with her. Feeling her kicks, seeing her flip around and suck her thumb on the ultrasound, and finding out she was a girl. For 22 weeks she brought us so much joy and I am thankful for that. I am thankful that our friends and family got to hold her and we got to see how many people love her; I am thankful for the outpouring of love and support from complete strangers. I'm thankful for the humor we were still able to find even in our darkest moments, like nicknaming my IV stand "juicy". I'd get up to go to the bathroom and my husband would remind me, "don't forget juicy". At the graveside, my MIL gave me the pink pinwheel she bought to put at Kayla's grave. The wind began spinning it as we were standing there and I immediately got a small smile on my face, thinking of that stupid pig from the Geico commercials with the pinwheel, weeeee, wee wee weeee!
For a little while I was the happiest, glowing pregnant woman. For a little while I felt life inside me, I felt her kick and saw my belly jump as she bounced around. For a little while I held this miracle in my arms that had my nose, lips, and chin; I pour over baby pictures of myself looking for more evidence that she looked like me. The knowledge that we not only created life but that she bore some of my features means the world to me; proof that she was a part of me. For a little while I saw my husband become a father, and hold his daughter. She had the tiniest feet, but she left such a huge print on our hearts that will last forever.
Thank you Kayla, for the little while.
For the new readers, a bit of a background. My grandparents died last summer within three weeks of each other. I adored them; we've always been close but as my mom's parents, we became even closer when she died almost 9 years ago as they were my link to her and me for them. My grandpa was in the nursing home, trying to get strong enough to go home after his kidneys had begun failing him. One day I took my grandma to see him as I did once or twice a week, and she was talking about their neighbors baby.
By that point my husband and I had been married for a year and a half, so while they may have suspected, they didn't know we were TTC and of our struggles. So upon the word baby, my grandpa perked up and said "Baby? Are we getting a new baby? I like babies"! She explained no, that she was talking about the neighbors baby, and they we would try when we were ready....but she hoped it would be while they were still around.
So when they died, I was so sad that they would never see our kids. As I said in my eulogy for him, my grandpa was a man born to be a grandpa. He was such a kid himself and he always had so much fun with us when we were little so it really pained me that he would never get to see his great-grandkids As much as I want Kayla here with us, it brings tears to my eyes to think of my grandpa up in Heaven, holding her with a huge smile on his face.
I was sad that my mom would never know her granddaughter and it makes me happy to know that Kayla is surrounded by people who love her in Heaven....my mom, my grandparents, my grandpa, Ryan's Gamma, and Brenda's son.
I will never ever wish that none of this had happaned. I wish it would have turned out differently, but I am so thankful for the time that we had with her. Feeling her kicks, seeing her flip around and suck her thumb on the ultrasound, and finding out she was a girl. For 22 weeks she brought us so much joy and I am thankful for that. I am thankful that our friends and family got to hold her and we got to see how many people love her; I am thankful for the outpouring of love and support from complete strangers. I'm thankful for the humor we were still able to find even in our darkest moments, like nicknaming my IV stand "juicy". I'd get up to go to the bathroom and my husband would remind me, "don't forget juicy". At the graveside, my MIL gave me the pink pinwheel she bought to put at Kayla's grave. The wind began spinning it as we were standing there and I immediately got a small smile on my face, thinking of that stupid pig from the Geico commercials with the pinwheel, weeeee, wee wee weeee!
For a little while I was the happiest, glowing pregnant woman. For a little while I felt life inside me, I felt her kick and saw my belly jump as she bounced around. For a little while I held this miracle in my arms that had my nose, lips, and chin; I pour over baby pictures of myself looking for more evidence that she looked like me. The knowledge that we not only created life but that she bore some of my features means the world to me; proof that she was a part of me. For a little while I saw my husband become a father, and hold his daughter. She had the tiniest feet, but she left such a huge print on our hearts that will last forever.
Thank you Kayla, for the little while.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Late night ramblings
When Kayla was born Ryan saw her come out....they gave me a little peak but I didn't see much before they took her to clean her up and dress her. They gave her to me dressed in a little gown and wrapped in a pink blanket. I do remember peeking and seeing that she had on what looked like a tiny doll cloth diaper, but that was it. Not that I want to be some creeper that wanted to look underneath her diaper, but I'm left with this odd feeling that there are parts of my daughter that I didn't see. Of course most mothers see their babies with the first diaper change or bath, but I never got to do any of that.
I know they always say that when you are suddenly paying attention to something, you suddenly see it everwhere. It's not that that particular thing is suddenly everywhere, just that you're noticing it more. I get that. BUT...Ryan told me about the name Kayla on our second date....and he'd loved it way longer than that. And I'm not talking about just mentioning it to me back then and when we found out we were having a girl we named her Kayla. For six years we referred to our future child as Kayla. When we were talking hypothetically, we'd say "someday when Kayla is yada yada.....". Sometimes when we bought something where they ask if you want to donate a dollar for children and they give you that little sign to fill out and they hang around the register, Ryan always wrote Kayla's name on it. If I wasn't feeling well, even loooong before we were even trying to get pregnant, Ryan would affectionately say, "is it Kayla"? So as you can see, our daughter has been named Kayla long before she was even created. So it just kills me how often since she was born we see her name now. It's everywhere, and we were clearly paying attention to the name before this. It always makes me sad now when I see it. I hope one day it doesn't.
I think I need to go clothes shopping before I go back to work....my birthday is coming up, maybe I'll ask for clothes from everyone. I hate wearing my maternity clothes...the pants are all too big so I have to wear belly bands and pulling that up all day reminds me too much of when I was pregnant. The snug fitting shirts are ok, but they're all misshapen as there should be a protruding belly, and I flat out refuse to wear any of the shirts that had the empire waist with the little bow under the boobs.
I've been really trying to get on a better sleep schedule but it's not working so well. The last two mornings I've gotten up when Ryan leaves for work at 7. Yesterday I was up, sat around till about 9, intending to go to the gym, but my legs were sore from the long walk I took the day before, and I was having some pretty blah side effects from the zoloft. I decided to take the day off and do nothing and I ended up napping on the couch for a few hours. Then this morning, I was up and on my computer so I was fully awake....can't even claim I was under the influence of sleepiness, and I decided fuck it, and I went back to bed. I didn't get up until 11 and that was only because I had to take Vinny to the vet. I did make it to the gym, but then I proceeded to eat horribly all day.
I am not sure if my sleeping in is depression related or if it's more because my body knows I don't really have to get up. I mean, this grief is different from the grief I went through when my mom died. I can't say it's worse or better, it's just different. With my mom I was just crushed with grief....my mommy was gone, I couldn't believe it. When I would wake up in the morning I desperately hoped it was all a bad dream and when I would realize it wasn't and I would never see my mom again, it literally felt like my heart was in a vice and it was slowly cracking and breaking under the pressure. I felt that a little with Kayla right after.....it was mostly very early on when I just couldn't believe this was happening. I couldn't believe we weren't going to bring her home one day, that I was no longer pregnant and our pregnancy wouldn't have a happy ending.
I would say that's the denial stage, where you just can't accept it. I was in that stage for a long time with my mom. But with Kayla I am feeling more anger...like why me, why did we lose our baby when we loved her so much? Why do other people who are less deserving get their babies? Why do monsters that hurt or kill their babies get them? Why did we not only struggle with infertility, but also multiple losses? For me personally, anger is an easier emotion to feel than sadness and desperation. Depression is suffocating, you feel like you can't move, you can't think and the weight of the world is on you. But anger is often motivating....it's the motivation behind going to the gym, behind being productive most days. So when I wake up and hit snooze and go back to sleep, it's not the feeling that I can't face the world, I think it's just laziness and wanting to sleep. This morning it might have been a little more depression related....I hadn't packed my gym bag and the idea of having to pack it in addition to getting myself ready was more than I could handle this morning. I'll try again tomorrow.
Ryan and I went to a support group last night. It was different from what I expected, much smaller. There were about 12 of us. I was a little unsure at first because we were the only new ones, and everyone seems to have known each other for a while. But all of the women were so very nice and welcoming so I felt at home pretty quickly. I even shared our story and participated in some of the discussion which I wasn't sure I would be ready to do. Ryan was not very comfortable since it was all women, he wasn't geeked about going in the first place but I needed him to go with me the first time. They only meet once a month so I know by then I'll be a little nervous about going again, but I'll be ok to go by myself. I went to to high school with one of the women, I didn't know her back then very well but it was good to see a familiar face.
Though my doctor can't say for sure, I'm leaning toward my issue being an incompetent cervix. I know they said it's a chicken or the egg scenario, but it makes sense to me that if my cervix was incompetent, it could have started dilating several days before I actually went into active labor, and that allowed the bacteria to get in. So maybe the bacteria didn't help any, but I am thinking that is not what caused the labor if my cervix was already shortening and dilating. I don't know if it matters or not, but it makes me feel much much better about getting a cerclage and the chances of it helping. The idea of trying to prevent bacteria when I don't even know how it happened in the first place was very scary to me. But if I have an incompetent cervix, getting the cerclage and the bi-weekly cervix checks makes me feel like we're taking action against it happening again.
When the nurse took pictures of Kayla in the hospital, she placed a tiny gold ring in her hand, and the ring was given to us among her keepsakes. Since going to the support group and joining their facebook page, I've seen several more pictures of babies with the gold ring. To any loss moms, is there a specific significance of this ring? My guess is to represent eternity or something, but I was curious.
I know they always say that when you are suddenly paying attention to something, you suddenly see it everwhere. It's not that that particular thing is suddenly everywhere, just that you're noticing it more. I get that. BUT...Ryan told me about the name Kayla on our second date....and he'd loved it way longer than that. And I'm not talking about just mentioning it to me back then and when we found out we were having a girl we named her Kayla. For six years we referred to our future child as Kayla. When we were talking hypothetically, we'd say "someday when Kayla is yada yada.....". Sometimes when we bought something where they ask if you want to donate a dollar for children and they give you that little sign to fill out and they hang around the register, Ryan always wrote Kayla's name on it. If I wasn't feeling well, even loooong before we were even trying to get pregnant, Ryan would affectionately say, "is it Kayla"? So as you can see, our daughter has been named Kayla long before she was even created. So it just kills me how often since she was born we see her name now. It's everywhere, and we were clearly paying attention to the name before this. It always makes me sad now when I see it. I hope one day it doesn't.
I think I need to go clothes shopping before I go back to work....my birthday is coming up, maybe I'll ask for clothes from everyone. I hate wearing my maternity clothes...the pants are all too big so I have to wear belly bands and pulling that up all day reminds me too much of when I was pregnant. The snug fitting shirts are ok, but they're all misshapen as there should be a protruding belly, and I flat out refuse to wear any of the shirts that had the empire waist with the little bow under the boobs.
I've been really trying to get on a better sleep schedule but it's not working so well. The last two mornings I've gotten up when Ryan leaves for work at 7. Yesterday I was up, sat around till about 9, intending to go to the gym, but my legs were sore from the long walk I took the day before, and I was having some pretty blah side effects from the zoloft. I decided to take the day off and do nothing and I ended up napping on the couch for a few hours. Then this morning, I was up and on my computer so I was fully awake....can't even claim I was under the influence of sleepiness, and I decided fuck it, and I went back to bed. I didn't get up until 11 and that was only because I had to take Vinny to the vet. I did make it to the gym, but then I proceeded to eat horribly all day.
I am not sure if my sleeping in is depression related or if it's more because my body knows I don't really have to get up. I mean, this grief is different from the grief I went through when my mom died. I can't say it's worse or better, it's just different. With my mom I was just crushed with grief....my mommy was gone, I couldn't believe it. When I would wake up in the morning I desperately hoped it was all a bad dream and when I would realize it wasn't and I would never see my mom again, it literally felt like my heart was in a vice and it was slowly cracking and breaking under the pressure. I felt that a little with Kayla right after.....it was mostly very early on when I just couldn't believe this was happening. I couldn't believe we weren't going to bring her home one day, that I was no longer pregnant and our pregnancy wouldn't have a happy ending.
I would say that's the denial stage, where you just can't accept it. I was in that stage for a long time with my mom. But with Kayla I am feeling more anger...like why me, why did we lose our baby when we loved her so much? Why do other people who are less deserving get their babies? Why do monsters that hurt or kill their babies get them? Why did we not only struggle with infertility, but also multiple losses? For me personally, anger is an easier emotion to feel than sadness and desperation. Depression is suffocating, you feel like you can't move, you can't think and the weight of the world is on you. But anger is often motivating....it's the motivation behind going to the gym, behind being productive most days. So when I wake up and hit snooze and go back to sleep, it's not the feeling that I can't face the world, I think it's just laziness and wanting to sleep. This morning it might have been a little more depression related....I hadn't packed my gym bag and the idea of having to pack it in addition to getting myself ready was more than I could handle this morning. I'll try again tomorrow.
Ryan and I went to a support group last night. It was different from what I expected, much smaller. There were about 12 of us. I was a little unsure at first because we were the only new ones, and everyone seems to have known each other for a while. But all of the women were so very nice and welcoming so I felt at home pretty quickly. I even shared our story and participated in some of the discussion which I wasn't sure I would be ready to do. Ryan was not very comfortable since it was all women, he wasn't geeked about going in the first place but I needed him to go with me the first time. They only meet once a month so I know by then I'll be a little nervous about going again, but I'll be ok to go by myself. I went to to high school with one of the women, I didn't know her back then very well but it was good to see a familiar face.
Though my doctor can't say for sure, I'm leaning toward my issue being an incompetent cervix. I know they said it's a chicken or the egg scenario, but it makes sense to me that if my cervix was incompetent, it could have started dilating several days before I actually went into active labor, and that allowed the bacteria to get in. So maybe the bacteria didn't help any, but I am thinking that is not what caused the labor if my cervix was already shortening and dilating. I don't know if it matters or not, but it makes me feel much much better about getting a cerclage and the chances of it helping. The idea of trying to prevent bacteria when I don't even know how it happened in the first place was very scary to me. But if I have an incompetent cervix, getting the cerclage and the bi-weekly cervix checks makes me feel like we're taking action against it happening again.
When the nurse took pictures of Kayla in the hospital, she placed a tiny gold ring in her hand, and the ring was given to us among her keepsakes. Since going to the support group and joining their facebook page, I've seen several more pictures of babies with the gold ring. To any loss moms, is there a specific significance of this ring? My guess is to represent eternity or something, but I was curious.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Hope
Saturday Ryan had another 5K so for the first day in a while I had to actually get up early and be somewhere. I don't know if it was the idea of getting up so early or what but I couldn't sleep at all the night before. We went to bed around 1 and after laying there for at least an hour I gave up and got up. I was finally sleepy enough to lay down and sleep for about 30 minutes before we were supposed to get up.
Getting ready to go to the race sucked because the last time we went to one of his 5Ks I was still pregnant. He is doing another one in October in that same location, but thankfully this one was different. I am not sure I could go back to that same one just a few weeks later, when I was pregnant than and now I am not. Hopefully it will be easier to go back there by October.
His frend Dan made everyone those rubber awareness bracelets with Kayla's name on it, he is so nice. Luckily my brother was running also so I had his girlfriend to talk to while we waited for them, and I spotted my inlaws about 10 minutes before Ryan came in but they were stuck on the other side of the road and the runners were too thick for either of us to cross. But we all met up afterwards and went to breakfast to celebrate my brother's birthday.
So the day wasn't as bad as it started out, but I was so tired by then so when we were done eating we went home and I took a nap. I think I slept around 5 hours, I was exhausted, but when I woke up I felt worse than I did before, emotionally. I don't know if it was the fact that going to the race was hard, or my lack of sleep or since it was Saturday....Saturdays tend to be hard for me because I think about everything that happaned that day. It was my last happy day being pregnant before our nightmare began. I must have broke down in tears about 20 times for the rest of the day.
Ryan of course knows why I am crying, but he doesn't understand the "fine one minute then bawling the next". I don't even understand it....somedays I am ok, actually too ok and then other days all I can do is cry. My dad called to see if we were going to dinner with them and as soon as I heard his voice I started crying again. He asked if I was having a hard day and he said that they would happen. He said part of it might be being off work and not having a routine. I am so thankful to have this time off work, but I have to agree....I hate the idea of going back, but I do think having a structured day will do me good.
He said he's been going through some of the same thing, he just retired a few months ago and it's hard to adjust. It's tough to get out of bed when your body knows you don't have to, and it's hard to really do anything when you have all the time in the world to do it. I can't even seem to make simple decisions....I wanted to go to eat with all of them, but at the very same time it was the last thing I wanted to do. Then Brenda text me and asked if someone did or said something to upset me, and that they would miss me at dinner. My dad is really lucky to have found her :) That was a hard day for her as well, in addition to my brother's birthday, it was also her son's. Born the exact same day and year....he died about 9 years ago. So I told her I was thinking of her, and maybe they're all partying in Heaven and she said her son loved babies and was good with them so they were for sure having a good time.
So then Ryan and I tried to decide what to do for dinner since we weren't going with them, and I swear it's so hard just to figure out what to eat. I never really want to eat meals anymore, I am much better at snacking. It's not even just junk, I just don't have an appetitie for a meal, nor the desire to cook one. I just pick here and there. It's just hard making any kind of decison anymore.
So we ended up getting Applebees, and tried watching Rise of the Guardians but I kept falling asleep so we turned it off. The next day was better thank God, the sun even peeked out for a little bit We went and ran some errands together, I got a shadow box to put Kayla's outfit in, and then we went to look at kittens at the pet store and got fajita meat to make for dinner.
Monday Ryan took off work and went with me to my OB appointment. Since it's a high risk group, it gets more pregnant traffic than an ordinary obgyn office, so it was hard going back there anyway, but then as we were walking back to the exam room I could hear a baby's heartbeat in another room and when the nurse asked me how I was doing I immediately started crying. The office is located in the hospital too, so that makes it hard.
They were all really great though, the nurse talked to us for a little but before getting down to the business of the appt, she asked what we named her and if we had a funeral. Then my doctor came in and talked to us some more. She discussed what would happen in my next pregnancy, she said she highly recommends the cerclage which I would get around 12 weeks, and then starting at 16 weeks I would be coming in every two weeks for an appointment and a cervix check to make sure it is not shortening. She said she knows it is scary, but that my next pregnancy will be very different. I asked her how do I not be a crazy lady that calls and wants to come in everyday and she said I might be and that's perfectly ok. She said I might be emotionally detached, but more than likely I'll need a lot of reassurance and they expect that.
She also cleared me physcally to try again. She recommends waiting 6 months to a year until we're emotionally ready, but she said she understands some people don't want to wait that long. I told her I am old, I will be 34 next month and still trying for our first earth baby....she assured me that I am not old. I know what she means, and of course anyone that is younger than you saying they're old is laughable, but at the same time that I turn 34, it will also mark two years since we started TTC (and also the day I would have started third tri, great) we struggle with infertility, low sex drive because who the hell enjoys sex when you HAVE to do it, an early loss and now a late loss. I feel old and the idea of waiting six months makes me extremely anxious.
Ryan says he is ready to try now. I think trying again soon is a good way to do something, instead of sitting around wallowing in our sadness. It's a step to moving forward...not moving on, but forward. But it does concern me a little that he is ready right now....I think in a way he just wants to put it behind him and keep going. I know he loves our daughter and he always will, but I think burying his emotions and moving forward is what he needs to do. I guess it's what he needs to do.
We can't even have sex for another few weeks, they said nothing in there for six weeks while I'm healing. Since she said technically we could start anytime, I guess that means it's ok, but I am certainly not opposed to waiting a few more weeks. I hope to be ready by about mid to late May. I plan to start temping starting next week...I have no idea if I will O on my own or when, but if I do I would like to know it so I have some idea of what is going on.
So, all of the tests on the placenta came back normal, so we really have no answers as to why this happaned. Which is good and bad...it's bad not to have answers, but at least nothing came back showing something that would negatively affect future pregnancies. I said so we don't know if it was an infection and she said let me clarify on the infection....they found some ecoli, which most likely came from the rectum since ya know, they're so close. But she stressed that it wasn't anything I did or didn't do and they don't even know if the ecoli actually played a part. She said it's a chicken or the egg sceanario, which came first. It could have been the ecoli, or I could have an incompetent cervix or it could have been a little of both. But she's pretty confident that more monitoring, a cerclage, and progesterone next time will help.
I was pretty terrified of having an exam while I was there, after everything I went through I could go the rest of my life without anything being shoved up there....plus I was scared I would still be sore. But thankfully she just did a quick check with her fingers, not the speculum. Thank God, I hate that thing. The exam didn't even really hurt.
So she gave me a script for zoloft....actually she gave me one for welbutrin as well and she said she trusts me with two scripts and I could price them out and see which one is more affordable. I've been on welbutrin twice, the first time it was the brand name, the second time it was generic. I really didn't feel like the generic did much, so I wanted the brand name this time. Turns out both brand names were only $40 so I went with the zoloft. She said she's seen better results with it. So far though I'm experiencing a lot of side effects....I took my first one last night and a few hours later out of the blue I felt nauseous and dizzy, actually I felt a little drunk. That feeling pretty much lasted the rest of the night.
This morning, before I even took another pill I still felt a little dizzy though not as much, nauseous again and now today I've had diarrhea. I'll give it a week or two, hopefully the side effects will go away. I'm glad to have something though, I know I'll need the help when I go back to work so I don't want to punch people in the face. I guess I should go get in the shower and accomplish my one goal of showering and getting dressed today. Ryan and I are going to a support group tonight and I certainly can't go how I am looking right now.
Getting ready to go to the race sucked because the last time we went to one of his 5Ks I was still pregnant. He is doing another one in October in that same location, but thankfully this one was different. I am not sure I could go back to that same one just a few weeks later, when I was pregnant than and now I am not. Hopefully it will be easier to go back there by October.
His frend Dan made everyone those rubber awareness bracelets with Kayla's name on it, he is so nice. Luckily my brother was running also so I had his girlfriend to talk to while we waited for them, and I spotted my inlaws about 10 minutes before Ryan came in but they were stuck on the other side of the road and the runners were too thick for either of us to cross. But we all met up afterwards and went to breakfast to celebrate my brother's birthday.
So the day wasn't as bad as it started out, but I was so tired by then so when we were done eating we went home and I took a nap. I think I slept around 5 hours, I was exhausted, but when I woke up I felt worse than I did before, emotionally. I don't know if it was the fact that going to the race was hard, or my lack of sleep or since it was Saturday....Saturdays tend to be hard for me because I think about everything that happaned that day. It was my last happy day being pregnant before our nightmare began. I must have broke down in tears about 20 times for the rest of the day.
Ryan of course knows why I am crying, but he doesn't understand the "fine one minute then bawling the next". I don't even understand it....somedays I am ok, actually too ok and then other days all I can do is cry. My dad called to see if we were going to dinner with them and as soon as I heard his voice I started crying again. He asked if I was having a hard day and he said that they would happen. He said part of it might be being off work and not having a routine. I am so thankful to have this time off work, but I have to agree....I hate the idea of going back, but I do think having a structured day will do me good.
He said he's been going through some of the same thing, he just retired a few months ago and it's hard to adjust. It's tough to get out of bed when your body knows you don't have to, and it's hard to really do anything when you have all the time in the world to do it. I can't even seem to make simple decisions....I wanted to go to eat with all of them, but at the very same time it was the last thing I wanted to do. Then Brenda text me and asked if someone did or said something to upset me, and that they would miss me at dinner. My dad is really lucky to have found her :) That was a hard day for her as well, in addition to my brother's birthday, it was also her son's. Born the exact same day and year....he died about 9 years ago. So I told her I was thinking of her, and maybe they're all partying in Heaven and she said her son loved babies and was good with them so they were for sure having a good time.
So then Ryan and I tried to decide what to do for dinner since we weren't going with them, and I swear it's so hard just to figure out what to eat. I never really want to eat meals anymore, I am much better at snacking. It's not even just junk, I just don't have an appetitie for a meal, nor the desire to cook one. I just pick here and there. It's just hard making any kind of decison anymore.
So we ended up getting Applebees, and tried watching Rise of the Guardians but I kept falling asleep so we turned it off. The next day was better thank God, the sun even peeked out for a little bit We went and ran some errands together, I got a shadow box to put Kayla's outfit in, and then we went to look at kittens at the pet store and got fajita meat to make for dinner.
Monday Ryan took off work and went with me to my OB appointment. Since it's a high risk group, it gets more pregnant traffic than an ordinary obgyn office, so it was hard going back there anyway, but then as we were walking back to the exam room I could hear a baby's heartbeat in another room and when the nurse asked me how I was doing I immediately started crying. The office is located in the hospital too, so that makes it hard.
They were all really great though, the nurse talked to us for a little but before getting down to the business of the appt, she asked what we named her and if we had a funeral. Then my doctor came in and talked to us some more. She discussed what would happen in my next pregnancy, she said she highly recommends the cerclage which I would get around 12 weeks, and then starting at 16 weeks I would be coming in every two weeks for an appointment and a cervix check to make sure it is not shortening. She said she knows it is scary, but that my next pregnancy will be very different. I asked her how do I not be a crazy lady that calls and wants to come in everyday and she said I might be and that's perfectly ok. She said I might be emotionally detached, but more than likely I'll need a lot of reassurance and they expect that.
She also cleared me physcally to try again. She recommends waiting 6 months to a year until we're emotionally ready, but she said she understands some people don't want to wait that long. I told her I am old, I will be 34 next month and still trying for our first earth baby....she assured me that I am not old. I know what she means, and of course anyone that is younger than you saying they're old is laughable, but at the same time that I turn 34, it will also mark two years since we started TTC (and also the day I would have started third tri, great) we struggle with infertility, low sex drive because who the hell enjoys sex when you HAVE to do it, an early loss and now a late loss. I feel old and the idea of waiting six months makes me extremely anxious.
Ryan says he is ready to try now. I think trying again soon is a good way to do something, instead of sitting around wallowing in our sadness. It's a step to moving forward...not moving on, but forward. But it does concern me a little that he is ready right now....I think in a way he just wants to put it behind him and keep going. I know he loves our daughter and he always will, but I think burying his emotions and moving forward is what he needs to do. I guess it's what he needs to do.
We can't even have sex for another few weeks, they said nothing in there for six weeks while I'm healing. Since she said technically we could start anytime, I guess that means it's ok, but I am certainly not opposed to waiting a few more weeks. I hope to be ready by about mid to late May. I plan to start temping starting next week...I have no idea if I will O on my own or when, but if I do I would like to know it so I have some idea of what is going on.
So, all of the tests on the placenta came back normal, so we really have no answers as to why this happaned. Which is good and bad...it's bad not to have answers, but at least nothing came back showing something that would negatively affect future pregnancies. I said so we don't know if it was an infection and she said let me clarify on the infection....they found some ecoli, which most likely came from the rectum since ya know, they're so close. But she stressed that it wasn't anything I did or didn't do and they don't even know if the ecoli actually played a part. She said it's a chicken or the egg sceanario, which came first. It could have been the ecoli, or I could have an incompetent cervix or it could have been a little of both. But she's pretty confident that more monitoring, a cerclage, and progesterone next time will help.
I was pretty terrified of having an exam while I was there, after everything I went through I could go the rest of my life without anything being shoved up there....plus I was scared I would still be sore. But thankfully she just did a quick check with her fingers, not the speculum. Thank God, I hate that thing. The exam didn't even really hurt.
So she gave me a script for zoloft....actually she gave me one for welbutrin as well and she said she trusts me with two scripts and I could price them out and see which one is more affordable. I've been on welbutrin twice, the first time it was the brand name, the second time it was generic. I really didn't feel like the generic did much, so I wanted the brand name this time. Turns out both brand names were only $40 so I went with the zoloft. She said she's seen better results with it. So far though I'm experiencing a lot of side effects....I took my first one last night and a few hours later out of the blue I felt nauseous and dizzy, actually I felt a little drunk. That feeling pretty much lasted the rest of the night.
This morning, before I even took another pill I still felt a little dizzy though not as much, nauseous again and now today I've had diarrhea. I'll give it a week or two, hopefully the side effects will go away. I'm glad to have something though, I know I'll need the help when I go back to work so I don't want to punch people in the face. I guess I should go get in the shower and accomplish my one goal of showering and getting dressed today. Ryan and I are going to a support group tonight and I certainly can't go how I am looking right now.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
I survived
I made it through my first day home alone. I did pretty well, I got a bit of a late start, but I went to the gym, and then the grocery store. The cemetery is on the way to the store, so I stopped for a few. Amanda and her family sent this beautiful arrangement of daisies and roses and it had a small ceramic angel in the middle. The flowers are just about done, so I took the angel to Kayla's grave.
There were new ashes about to be put in the baby wall...the granite was taken off a block and you could see the square "cubby" where the ashes would go. The date on the granite was February 21st...I forsee that we will probably go to the cemetery a lot, and it's going to be hard every time we see a new addition. It's just not fair, I don't understand why babies just sometimes die. Or why, in our case our bodies just don't do what they are supposed to do and end an otherwise healthy life.
I think it is so great that the hospital offers the services that they do...there were basically three options if we went through their program. The first one was completely free, the baby would be cremated and put in a bank of crypts that listed the months and year, so she would have been in one that simply said January through March 2013. This is of course nice for people who absolutely cannot afford anything, but I couldn't stand for our girl to not be given a name on her resting place, to just be part of a mass of babies lost in a three month period. The second option which had a small cost involved was basically the same, except her name would and date would have been listed on a wall among other names and the third option was a higher cost, but she would be in her own niche and her name and basically whatever info we wanted would have been on the granite over her individual niche. We were thinking of that option, but Ryan wasn't comfortable with her being cremated....I never wanted it for myself, but for whatever reason I didn't think burial was an option in the baby garden, but when he brought it up I agreed that I would rather she not be cremated so my dad looked into the burial options.
I am very happy with what we ended up doing, but after seeing the new marker today I am even more happy with our decision. That sweet baby passed more than a month before Kayla and is just now being interred. Basically what they do is wait 2-4 weeks until there is more babies to come pick up for cremation. I get the reasoning, but it just sounds horrible to me, plus I am glad we didn't have to wait over a month to have her laid to rest. I am so grateful to my dad and inlaws for taking care of the funeral home and cemetery costs. Compared to an adults funeral the cost is really very minimal and I am glad that the funeral business does that for such a low cost. Burying a child is horrible and people shouldn't have to be forever in debt to lay their angels to rest....but it still would have been a big bill that we couldn't really afford right now. As it is, I have no clue what labor and delivery is going to cost us. We just got new insurance on April 1st, so I never bothered to see the cost on my old insurance because I never in my wildest dreams thought I would need L&D that early. But I think our family was more than happy to do it, they knew it was helping us and it was something...the only thing they would ever be able to do for their granddaughter.
So anyway, I got pretty tired halfway through my shopping, at one point I found myself just staring at the sponges in the cleaning aisle since they didn't have the ones I wanted. It was pouring rain when I came out of the store, so that was fun to load groceries and get soaked. When I got home, I ate lunch and watched several hours of Sex and the City and then I took a nap until Ryan got home. I feel bad for my kitty because he is so lethargic and sad looking with this cone on his head but he has been even more snuggly than usual and he is normally a very snuggly cat, so he and I had a good nap together.
When my husband got home, we realized we lost half our power. I didn't notice because the TV was still working, but most of the lights wouldn't work, the fridge was off, etc. We probably could have still rustled up something for dinner, but we used it as an excuse to go out and it was nice to have dinner with him after he was gone all day. He said people at work were pretty good, many of them were concerned and asked how it happened. His boss even said if at any time in the next few weeks he needs to leave, he can just go. That's very very nice and understanding and I am happy to see that they are being good to him.
So I did every thing on my list today except for call my RE...I just wasn't ready to make that phone call yet. Their office is also in the hospital, I pass it to go to my OB so maybe I'll just stop in after my OB appointment next week. All in all, a decent day....though my journey has just begun and I've just got to take it a day at a time.
There were new ashes about to be put in the baby wall...the granite was taken off a block and you could see the square "cubby" where the ashes would go. The date on the granite was February 21st...I forsee that we will probably go to the cemetery a lot, and it's going to be hard every time we see a new addition. It's just not fair, I don't understand why babies just sometimes die. Or why, in our case our bodies just don't do what they are supposed to do and end an otherwise healthy life.
I think it is so great that the hospital offers the services that they do...there were basically three options if we went through their program. The first one was completely free, the baby would be cremated and put in a bank of crypts that listed the months and year, so she would have been in one that simply said January through March 2013. This is of course nice for people who absolutely cannot afford anything, but I couldn't stand for our girl to not be given a name on her resting place, to just be part of a mass of babies lost in a three month period. The second option which had a small cost involved was basically the same, except her name would and date would have been listed on a wall among other names and the third option was a higher cost, but she would be in her own niche and her name and basically whatever info we wanted would have been on the granite over her individual niche. We were thinking of that option, but Ryan wasn't comfortable with her being cremated....I never wanted it for myself, but for whatever reason I didn't think burial was an option in the baby garden, but when he brought it up I agreed that I would rather she not be cremated so my dad looked into the burial options.
I am very happy with what we ended up doing, but after seeing the new marker today I am even more happy with our decision. That sweet baby passed more than a month before Kayla and is just now being interred. Basically what they do is wait 2-4 weeks until there is more babies to come pick up for cremation. I get the reasoning, but it just sounds horrible to me, plus I am glad we didn't have to wait over a month to have her laid to rest. I am so grateful to my dad and inlaws for taking care of the funeral home and cemetery costs. Compared to an adults funeral the cost is really very minimal and I am glad that the funeral business does that for such a low cost. Burying a child is horrible and people shouldn't have to be forever in debt to lay their angels to rest....but it still would have been a big bill that we couldn't really afford right now. As it is, I have no clue what labor and delivery is going to cost us. We just got new insurance on April 1st, so I never bothered to see the cost on my old insurance because I never in my wildest dreams thought I would need L&D that early. But I think our family was more than happy to do it, they knew it was helping us and it was something...the only thing they would ever be able to do for their granddaughter.
So anyway, I got pretty tired halfway through my shopping, at one point I found myself just staring at the sponges in the cleaning aisle since they didn't have the ones I wanted. It was pouring rain when I came out of the store, so that was fun to load groceries and get soaked. When I got home, I ate lunch and watched several hours of Sex and the City and then I took a nap until Ryan got home. I feel bad for my kitty because he is so lethargic and sad looking with this cone on his head but he has been even more snuggly than usual and he is normally a very snuggly cat, so he and I had a good nap together.
When my husband got home, we realized we lost half our power. I didn't notice because the TV was still working, but most of the lights wouldn't work, the fridge was off, etc. We probably could have still rustled up something for dinner, but we used it as an excuse to go out and it was nice to have dinner with him after he was gone all day. He said people at work were pretty good, many of them were concerned and asked how it happened. His boss even said if at any time in the next few weeks he needs to leave, he can just go. That's very very nice and understanding and I am happy to see that they are being good to him.
So I did every thing on my list today except for call my RE...I just wasn't ready to make that phone call yet. Their office is also in the hospital, I pass it to go to my OB so maybe I'll just stop in after my OB appointment next week. All in all, a decent day....though my journey has just begun and I've just got to take it a day at a time.
Monday
I got up with Ryan this morning when he got up for work. I fed the cats and gave Vinny his medicine. Just a side note, he had surgery on Thursday to remove a lump I was concerned about, and since he won't leave his stiches alone he is sporting a cone. He is so miserable and I think his medicine is making him lethargic, he just lays around all day, or snuggles with me and whimpers now and again. When the vet called to say he was awake from his surgery, I answered the phone and the receptionist was like "Hi is this Vinny's mom"? That made me smile.
So I went back to bed before he left because I had a headache from too much wine last night. I heard him leave and I felt so sad....I couldn't be up and actually see him walk out the door, that would have been way too hard. As I laid there waiting for sleep to find me, I thought about how I would feel if today were my first day back to work and I instantly felt miserable. The idea of being productive, facing everyone at work, seeing that pregnant woman a few departments over, getting looks from everyone like they are wondering if I'm going to go mad at any second....once the six weeks is up I know I have to be back, if I am not ready then I never will be and I just have to rip off the band aid but I know that's going to be a terrible terrible day.
I meant to get up around 8 but at 8:40 I heard my husband come in and his work truck idling outside....he had forgotten his phone but I have to wonder if it was more to check on me. He sat with me for a few minutes and held my hand. He kept asking if I was ok and he said it makes him so sad to think of me home all alone. I asked how it was to be back, if people were being ok and he said yeah their fine, but I am sad :(
So it's after 10 now, I didn't get up until 9:30 and my gym bag is staring me in the face, so I had better get going.
So I went back to bed before he left because I had a headache from too much wine last night. I heard him leave and I felt so sad....I couldn't be up and actually see him walk out the door, that would have been way too hard. As I laid there waiting for sleep to find me, I thought about how I would feel if today were my first day back to work and I instantly felt miserable. The idea of being productive, facing everyone at work, seeing that pregnant woman a few departments over, getting looks from everyone like they are wondering if I'm going to go mad at any second....once the six weeks is up I know I have to be back, if I am not ready then I never will be and I just have to rip off the band aid but I know that's going to be a terrible terrible day.
I meant to get up around 8 but at 8:40 I heard my husband come in and his work truck idling outside....he had forgotten his phone but I have to wonder if it was more to check on me. He sat with me for a few minutes and held my hand. He kept asking if I was ok and he said it makes him so sad to think of me home all alone. I asked how it was to be back, if people were being ok and he said yeah their fine, but I am sad :(
So it's after 10 now, I didn't get up until 9:30 and my gym bag is staring me in the face, so I had better get going.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Projects
I made a list of several projects that I want to do while I am off work to keep busy. My husband told me yesterday that he is very scared of going back to work while I am still home, he is very scared that I will sink into a depression.
That makes me sad that he feels that way, because I already know he has put his own grief aside to take care of me, and now he is afraid to leave me alone. I admit that I am scared of him being gone all day, and I already know that I will likely cry when he leaves for work on Monday, but I think for his own sanity he needs to go. Besides, being away from him is going to be hard no matter what, so we might as well get it over with sooner rather than later. I definitely don't want to tackle being away from him and going back to work myself at the same time.
So in addition to my list, my goal each day first and foremost is to shower and get dressed everyday. Not showering is the fastest way to depressionville because you lay around feeling gross, tired and lazy. Even if I need to spend the day in a low key way watching TV, I need to shower so I'll feel better.
I also plan to go to the gym everyday, even if it is just to walk on the treadmill. I think I'll also pack a bag and shower there when I am done. If I go home and shower I can see myself taking all afternoon to shower and get ready, and then end up getting nothing done.
Ryan and I decided we want to finish the nursery. The plan was to paint it gray and then the trim, part of the closet doors, bedding, and curtains would be accented in pink. It makes me more sad to leave the nursery unfinished and blah, so we're still going to paint it all gray but we're going to do any trim in white, and put the closet doors on. Then when we get our rainbow baby we can accent in either blue or pink depending on which sex. And the advantage of that will be, once we are pregnant again we won't have to worry about the nursery. I suspect things like that won't be fun next time and I wouldn't want to do anything like that until really late into the pregnancy anyway so at least then it will be done.
Some of my bigger projects are organizing my home office, cleaning our bedroom, organizing the tool room in the basement and making a memory box for all of Kayla's things. Then I have some things I just need to do each day, like going to the dentist, calling my boss, etc. I plan on calling my RE on Monday. Of course we aren't ready to try yet and I don't know if we will be ready once we're physically ready, but I should find out when they might want me to come in, in case there is a long wait. It only took two weeks to get an appointment with her back in September, but who knows, maybe babies are a seasonal thing. I would hate to wait, and then find out that I can't get in to see her for three months.
For whatever reason, I was thinking it wouldn't matter how much of my FMLA I used since we'll be definitely looking at 2014 for another delivery (hopefully) so my slate would be wiped clean and I'd have 12 weeks eligibility again next year. But duh, it goes back 12 months, not by calendar year so I wouldn't be eligible for 12 weeks again until after March 25th next year. But we decided that we'll start trying whenever we feel ready and if our due date happens to fall before then, so be it. We have no idea how long it could take to get pregnant again, and I would hate to wait, and then have it take a long time and then regret it later. If worst came to worst, I'd only get six weeks maternity next time....if we can have our rainbow baby and he or she is healthy and happy, then six weeks it is.
I hate that I feel like when we try again we'll be replacing her....but I need to remember that everyone is ready at different times. There really is no such thing as too soon, as long as it's comfortable for us and of course as long as we've been cleared to try again. I don't know if we'll be ready in a month, but it feels good to have a plan, and that Ryan and I are on the same page.
That makes me sad that he feels that way, because I already know he has put his own grief aside to take care of me, and now he is afraid to leave me alone. I admit that I am scared of him being gone all day, and I already know that I will likely cry when he leaves for work on Monday, but I think for his own sanity he needs to go. Besides, being away from him is going to be hard no matter what, so we might as well get it over with sooner rather than later. I definitely don't want to tackle being away from him and going back to work myself at the same time.
So in addition to my list, my goal each day first and foremost is to shower and get dressed everyday. Not showering is the fastest way to depressionville because you lay around feeling gross, tired and lazy. Even if I need to spend the day in a low key way watching TV, I need to shower so I'll feel better.
I also plan to go to the gym everyday, even if it is just to walk on the treadmill. I think I'll also pack a bag and shower there when I am done. If I go home and shower I can see myself taking all afternoon to shower and get ready, and then end up getting nothing done.
Ryan and I decided we want to finish the nursery. The plan was to paint it gray and then the trim, part of the closet doors, bedding, and curtains would be accented in pink. It makes me more sad to leave the nursery unfinished and blah, so we're still going to paint it all gray but we're going to do any trim in white, and put the closet doors on. Then when we get our rainbow baby we can accent in either blue or pink depending on which sex. And the advantage of that will be, once we are pregnant again we won't have to worry about the nursery. I suspect things like that won't be fun next time and I wouldn't want to do anything like that until really late into the pregnancy anyway so at least then it will be done.
Some of my bigger projects are organizing my home office, cleaning our bedroom, organizing the tool room in the basement and making a memory box for all of Kayla's things. Then I have some things I just need to do each day, like going to the dentist, calling my boss, etc. I plan on calling my RE on Monday. Of course we aren't ready to try yet and I don't know if we will be ready once we're physically ready, but I should find out when they might want me to come in, in case there is a long wait. It only took two weeks to get an appointment with her back in September, but who knows, maybe babies are a seasonal thing. I would hate to wait, and then find out that I can't get in to see her for three months.
For whatever reason, I was thinking it wouldn't matter how much of my FMLA I used since we'll be definitely looking at 2014 for another delivery (hopefully) so my slate would be wiped clean and I'd have 12 weeks eligibility again next year. But duh, it goes back 12 months, not by calendar year so I wouldn't be eligible for 12 weeks again until after March 25th next year. But we decided that we'll start trying whenever we feel ready and if our due date happens to fall before then, so be it. We have no idea how long it could take to get pregnant again, and I would hate to wait, and then have it take a long time and then regret it later. If worst came to worst, I'd only get six weeks maternity next time....if we can have our rainbow baby and he or she is healthy and happy, then six weeks it is.
I hate that I feel like when we try again we'll be replacing her....but I need to remember that everyone is ready at different times. There really is no such thing as too soon, as long as it's comfortable for us and of course as long as we've been cleared to try again. I don't know if we'll be ready in a month, but it feels good to have a plan, and that Ryan and I are on the same page.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Would have been
Today would have been V day.....when we were first told how dialated I was and that if I delivered the baby wouldn't make it, I was so so angry that this had to happen just two weeks before V day. I felt like it was some cruel sick joke being played on us for it to happen at all, and then the fact that we were so close to V day but not close enough.
Today is a bittersweet day. I am not angry anymore at how close we were because I know it very well may not have made a difference. Sadly, I have heard of babies at 24 weeks, 28 weeks, even 39 weeks born sleeping. Just because 24 weeks is basically the earliest possible day that a baby can survive outside the womb, it doesn't mean that it will.
I just read an article about a baby born at 23 weeks 6 days....she was in NICU for about 8 months I think, and it was just touch and go almost the entire time. The parents were wracked with constant worry and before she was even born they had the impossible decision to make as to whether or not they should even try given the dozens of complications that could arise.
That is not to say that we would not have wanted her, or it would have been too much of a struggle to even try because I would have done anything for our little girl. But I am thankful we didn't have to make that decision, and it kills me to know that our baby could have had to grow up with severe mental or physical disabilities because we weren't strong enough to let her go when she should have been.
But this day is sad because if I were still pregnant, it would be a day of celebration. Another milestone to cross off, another point that might help us breathe a little easier as we got closer to 40 weeks. Friday was my favorite day, aside from the obvious reasons, but because it started my new pregnancy week. In addition to feeling kicks and hearing her heartbeat, it was my favorite thing to do. When I got home on Fridays I would write the new week number on the calendar, and check off another day in my pregnancy journal and I was always excited to read what new thing was going on with her.
I was happy when I could flip my calendar to April so I didn't still have to see the weeks written on each Friday...but it also made me sad because I was still pregnant with her in March and I was afraid to leave the month behind.
Today is a bittersweet day. I am not angry anymore at how close we were because I know it very well may not have made a difference. Sadly, I have heard of babies at 24 weeks, 28 weeks, even 39 weeks born sleeping. Just because 24 weeks is basically the earliest possible day that a baby can survive outside the womb, it doesn't mean that it will.
I just read an article about a baby born at 23 weeks 6 days....she was in NICU for about 8 months I think, and it was just touch and go almost the entire time. The parents were wracked with constant worry and before she was even born they had the impossible decision to make as to whether or not they should even try given the dozens of complications that could arise.
That is not to say that we would not have wanted her, or it would have been too much of a struggle to even try because I would have done anything for our little girl. But I am thankful we didn't have to make that decision, and it kills me to know that our baby could have had to grow up with severe mental or physical disabilities because we weren't strong enough to let her go when she should have been.
But this day is sad because if I were still pregnant, it would be a day of celebration. Another milestone to cross off, another point that might help us breathe a little easier as we got closer to 40 weeks. Friday was my favorite day, aside from the obvious reasons, but because it started my new pregnancy week. In addition to feeling kicks and hearing her heartbeat, it was my favorite thing to do. When I got home on Fridays I would write the new week number on the calendar, and check off another day in my pregnancy journal and I was always excited to read what new thing was going on with her.
I was happy when I could flip my calendar to April so I didn't still have to see the weeks written on each Friday...but it also made me sad because I was still pregnant with her in March and I was afraid to leave the month behind.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
I just miss her
I miss my baby so much right now....I miss feeling her little kicks, I miss my nightly doppler session, hearing her heartbeat and the noises she made flipping around. I often heard what sounded like a shark swimming by. My heart is literally hurting, I can feel an ache in my heart and like the weight of the world is crushing me.
I've felt noticeably worse in the last couple of days and I think it is because the days of being with my husband all day are coming to an end. He goes back to work on Monday and I am absolutely terrified. I am afraid of being home alone all day, with nothing but my thoughts and my aching heart. I'm afraid I won't do anything each day, that I'll just sit around in my pajamas and sleep on and off. But I am also afraid of missing him and my heart hurting for Kayla and for him. I know that sounds melodramatic, he'll be home each night, but I can already tell I am going to miss him like crazy. Aside from one night that he went to the gym without me and another night he went out to the bar for a couple of hours, we have been together every minute since I went into labor.
We're not a couple that spends every waking minute together usually, but this past two weeks we have been inseperable and I am so afraid of not being with him all day. I know I shouldn't let my sadness ruin the next three days we still have, but I don't know how to make the fear go away. I have some projects I want to try to get done, so hopefully I can keep myself busy. I have also been having a hard tme with the way he grieves differently. I know many couples have struggled with this, and I think it's probably why tragedies often split couples up, but I can't help but wonder how I am always two seconds from crying my eyes out, but he seems fine.
I know he is not fine, this isn't like our first loss. I know he wasn't perfectly fine, but that didn't affect him even slightly as much as it affected me. But this time, I know he loved our baby and I know he is crushed that she is gone. The night after she was born, we put her in the crib next to my bed for the night and in addition to the outfit and fleece blanket she was wrapped in, he got a towel to put over her like a blanket as if she would get cold through out the night. Seeing him standing there at the crib, tending to our sweet little girl just broke my heart, but it also warmed it so much. There is no feeling in the world better than seeing your husband with your baby, seeing him with his daughter. And when he would pick her up or hold her, he did it so gently. I know he is not ok.....my computer is broken so we've been sharing his, so sometimes we leave tabs up that we want to look at later, and he constantly has Billy Joel's Lullabye on youtube up, so I can only imagine he listens to it often, and he posted it on facebook the night of her funeral and said Goodnight my baby Kayla, you'll always be a part of me, I love you. It's just hard to see him laughing and smiling, and wondering if there is something wrong with me when I cry every day.
Sometimes I feel a little hopeful when I think about getting pregnant again soon, but it also makes me so sad. People getting BFP's right now are due in December, so that means we're looking at probably February at the absolute earliest and it makes me so fucking angry. We were supposed to have a baby in 2012, and then 2013 and now we're looking at 2014. When is it our turn? The idea of having a March due date scares the shit out of me; even if our baby makes it to term next time which I pray with every part of my soul he or she does, but the idea of anything happening close to the time that Kayla was born is terrifying. I don't want a winter baby, I even get sad about the idea of having a boy next time....hell even another girl doesn't make me feel the great. I know those are things I am not supposed to say or feel, and they don't even have anything to do with the actual time of year or the sex of the baby. I will take a baby born anytime, of either sex....but the thing is, I don't want a winter baby or a fall baby or a spring baby, I don't want a boy or another girl, because all I want is to still be pregnant, to still be due in July; all I want is Kayla.
Our baby girl was so beautiful....I would have thought that born so early, she would look not quite like a developed baby, or maybe look tired or in pain, but she was perfect....she was breech so aside from some bruising on her face, she was so so pretty. She had such a peaceful look, her perfect tiny little nose, her tiny little lips and her little pouty chin....I am just so sad that we never got to look into her eyes, or see her smile, or just see her as a lively, 7 or 8 pound healthy baby. I just want her back and I am so fucking angry that this happaned to us.
Goodnight my angel
I've felt noticeably worse in the last couple of days and I think it is because the days of being with my husband all day are coming to an end. He goes back to work on Monday and I am absolutely terrified. I am afraid of being home alone all day, with nothing but my thoughts and my aching heart. I'm afraid I won't do anything each day, that I'll just sit around in my pajamas and sleep on and off. But I am also afraid of missing him and my heart hurting for Kayla and for him. I know that sounds melodramatic, he'll be home each night, but I can already tell I am going to miss him like crazy. Aside from one night that he went to the gym without me and another night he went out to the bar for a couple of hours, we have been together every minute since I went into labor.
We're not a couple that spends every waking minute together usually, but this past two weeks we have been inseperable and I am so afraid of not being with him all day. I know I shouldn't let my sadness ruin the next three days we still have, but I don't know how to make the fear go away. I have some projects I want to try to get done, so hopefully I can keep myself busy. I have also been having a hard tme with the way he grieves differently. I know many couples have struggled with this, and I think it's probably why tragedies often split couples up, but I can't help but wonder how I am always two seconds from crying my eyes out, but he seems fine.
I know he is not fine, this isn't like our first loss. I know he wasn't perfectly fine, but that didn't affect him even slightly as much as it affected me. But this time, I know he loved our baby and I know he is crushed that she is gone. The night after she was born, we put her in the crib next to my bed for the night and in addition to the outfit and fleece blanket she was wrapped in, he got a towel to put over her like a blanket as if she would get cold through out the night. Seeing him standing there at the crib, tending to our sweet little girl just broke my heart, but it also warmed it so much. There is no feeling in the world better than seeing your husband with your baby, seeing him with his daughter. And when he would pick her up or hold her, he did it so gently. I know he is not ok.....my computer is broken so we've been sharing his, so sometimes we leave tabs up that we want to look at later, and he constantly has Billy Joel's Lullabye on youtube up, so I can only imagine he listens to it often, and he posted it on facebook the night of her funeral and said Goodnight my baby Kayla, you'll always be a part of me, I love you. It's just hard to see him laughing and smiling, and wondering if there is something wrong with me when I cry every day.
Sometimes I feel a little hopeful when I think about getting pregnant again soon, but it also makes me so sad. People getting BFP's right now are due in December, so that means we're looking at probably February at the absolute earliest and it makes me so fucking angry. We were supposed to have a baby in 2012, and then 2013 and now we're looking at 2014. When is it our turn? The idea of having a March due date scares the shit out of me; even if our baby makes it to term next time which I pray with every part of my soul he or she does, but the idea of anything happening close to the time that Kayla was born is terrifying. I don't want a winter baby, I even get sad about the idea of having a boy next time....hell even another girl doesn't make me feel the great. I know those are things I am not supposed to say or feel, and they don't even have anything to do with the actual time of year or the sex of the baby. I will take a baby born anytime, of either sex....but the thing is, I don't want a winter baby or a fall baby or a spring baby, I don't want a boy or another girl, because all I want is to still be pregnant, to still be due in July; all I want is Kayla.
Our baby girl was so beautiful....I would have thought that born so early, she would look not quite like a developed baby, or maybe look tired or in pain, but she was perfect....she was breech so aside from some bruising on her face, she was so so pretty. She had such a peaceful look, her perfect tiny little nose, her tiny little lips and her little pouty chin....I am just so sad that we never got to look into her eyes, or see her smile, or just see her as a lively, 7 or 8 pound healthy baby. I just want her back and I am so fucking angry that this happaned to us.
Goodnight my angel
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Tattoos
Lullabye
My husband and I are getting our memorial tattoos right now. Well mine is done, it took only 10 or 15 minutes so now I am waiting for Ryan to get done. Ill post pics when they look less angry.
But anyway I was thinking about when we went on the hospital tour. Ryan was telling me about this other hospital nearby that plays a lullabye over the loudspeaker of the entire hospital everytime a baby is born and I rembered thinking how beautiful that is and I wished our hospital did that.
Now I cant even begin to say how thankful I am that they dont do this. Because I apparently like to cause myself pain, I checked the baby gallery and saw that 8 other babies were born that same day. If I had to hear a fucking lullabye 8 times throughout that day, basically rubbing it in my face that those babies were healthy and their families were celebrating I think I would have broken into million pieces each time.
But anyway I was thinking about when we went on the hospital tour. Ryan was telling me about this other hospital nearby that plays a lullabye over the loudspeaker of the entire hospital everytime a baby is born and I rembered thinking how beautiful that is and I wished our hospital did that.
Now I cant even begin to say how thankful I am that they dont do this. Because I apparently like to cause myself pain, I checked the baby gallery and saw that 8 other babies were born that same day. If I had to hear a fucking lullabye 8 times throughout that day, basically rubbing it in my face that those babies were healthy and their families were celebrating I think I would have broken into million pieces each time.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Random ramblings
I'm having a hard time taking my antibiotics. I'm supposed to take one every six hours but that often has me taking a pill at 4 in the morning or something like that. So Saturday we were out with my inlaws all day and I didn't have them with me when I needed to take one at 4 pm, so I took it at 8. So I took another one at midnight to try to get back on schedule and ended up staying up until 4 am. I wasn't going to wake up in two hours so I just took one before one before bed.
I dont know if it was part of normal side effects or because I took too many close together but I ended up throwing up and since I had just taken it, it tasted awful. Im glad to be home but it was just easier to get it through my IV. My stomach has also been pretty upset today. And everytime I heaved while puking, I peed. Lovely. At least having to wear pads for the next several weeks comes in handy in that regard.
We ordered Kayla's grave marker today. We went with the smallest heart shaped one....it was partly due to the price, my dad and my inlaws are helping us pay for it but I feel guilty so I didn't want to pick a super expensive one, but we also really liked it. A tiny marker for a tiny little girl. The most important thing to us was to fit her entire name on it, which we were able to. We have her single date below her name and I think we want to come up with something to write under the date, but we haven't decided what yet. At the top of the heart there was room for symbols, and since her nursery was going to have a few butterflies, we decided that would be perfect so there will be a butterfly on either side of the top of the heart. Everyone kept stressing to us that we could take our time with it, but we both wanted to get it ordered.
We stopped at her grave yesterday on the way to my dad's for Easter dinner and there was a balloon that said It's a girl! and some tulips planted. We weren't sure who brought them, but since the flowers had a bulb and were actually planted I should have known it was my dad. I love that he went all the way there early yesterday morning to put those there. Everyone else is being really strong, but when I see their pain it makes my pain even worse. My FIL is normally the very strong silent type, but at dinner the other day I could see his patience was paper thin with my neice and nephew. Normally he might joke with them and get a little irritated when they do something they shouldn't, but I could tell he just wasn't having it. My MIL also told me that she has never seen him cry as much as he has in the last week. I think in some ways Kayla will always hold an extra special place in their hearts. That's not to say they don't love their other grandchildren like crazy, but it's like Kayla will never do wrong. She'll never be bratty, she'll never be annoying or misbehave. As much as others' pain hurts me, it also makes me happy. My biggest fear is Kayla being forgotten, or not being acknowledged because her life was so short. So it really warms my heart to see that she is so loved by so many.
I went to the gym with my husband and his friend today. It felt really good...I had planned on just walking for 30 minutes but about 10 minutes in a good song came on and I felt the anger building up in me and needing to come out so I started running. It felt really good and I just ran until I got tired and then I walked the rest of the time. Ryan and Dan stay much longer than I do and we live really close so I just walked home after that but before I went I found Ryan to tell him I was leaving. He asked why I ran so early and I told him I was angry and needed to run, but as soon as I said that I started crying. Right in the middle of the gym, that's nice. But thankfully he made me laugh by saying "Hey, there's no crying, there's no crying at the gym". So between the treadmill and my walk home, I burned 300 calories. I haven't eaten THAT badly but I certainly have been enjoying easter candy and pepsi, so I am hoping the gym will combat that and then I'll try to get back to my GD diet next week.
We're going to get our tattoos tomorrow. I'm excited, I didn't think I'd ever want another one, I have two. My first one is a sun and moon design on the outside of my right ankle, and I have my mom's initials with a halo above them on my back. I'm getting Kayla's footprint on my inside left ankle, but I am not sure what else, I'll have her draw it up and see what can be added. This is Ryan's first tattoo, which I think is kind of funny. Just from the look of him, you would think he has tattoos everywhere, so I think it's kind of funny that I have two and he doesn't have any. I booked with the woman that helped us make the appointments last week, she seemed really nice and I figured if I start crying I'd rather it be with her instead of some big biker looking guy....although sometimes those guys are the biggest softees. Ryan thought it was cool the other day that we got a nod from a biker on the way to the cemetery....we were of course the lead car behind the hearse and when he passed us he gave Ryan a nod...that was really nice.
I dont know if it was part of normal side effects or because I took too many close together but I ended up throwing up and since I had just taken it, it tasted awful. Im glad to be home but it was just easier to get it through my IV. My stomach has also been pretty upset today. And everytime I heaved while puking, I peed. Lovely. At least having to wear pads for the next several weeks comes in handy in that regard.
We ordered Kayla's grave marker today. We went with the smallest heart shaped one....it was partly due to the price, my dad and my inlaws are helping us pay for it but I feel guilty so I didn't want to pick a super expensive one, but we also really liked it. A tiny marker for a tiny little girl. The most important thing to us was to fit her entire name on it, which we were able to. We have her single date below her name and I think we want to come up with something to write under the date, but we haven't decided what yet. At the top of the heart there was room for symbols, and since her nursery was going to have a few butterflies, we decided that would be perfect so there will be a butterfly on either side of the top of the heart. Everyone kept stressing to us that we could take our time with it, but we both wanted to get it ordered.
We stopped at her grave yesterday on the way to my dad's for Easter dinner and there was a balloon that said It's a girl! and some tulips planted. We weren't sure who brought them, but since the flowers had a bulb and were actually planted I should have known it was my dad. I love that he went all the way there early yesterday morning to put those there. Everyone else is being really strong, but when I see their pain it makes my pain even worse. My FIL is normally the very strong silent type, but at dinner the other day I could see his patience was paper thin with my neice and nephew. Normally he might joke with them and get a little irritated when they do something they shouldn't, but I could tell he just wasn't having it. My MIL also told me that she has never seen him cry as much as he has in the last week. I think in some ways Kayla will always hold an extra special place in their hearts. That's not to say they don't love their other grandchildren like crazy, but it's like Kayla will never do wrong. She'll never be bratty, she'll never be annoying or misbehave. As much as others' pain hurts me, it also makes me happy. My biggest fear is Kayla being forgotten, or not being acknowledged because her life was so short. So it really warms my heart to see that she is so loved by so many.
I went to the gym with my husband and his friend today. It felt really good...I had planned on just walking for 30 minutes but about 10 minutes in a good song came on and I felt the anger building up in me and needing to come out so I started running. It felt really good and I just ran until I got tired and then I walked the rest of the time. Ryan and Dan stay much longer than I do and we live really close so I just walked home after that but before I went I found Ryan to tell him I was leaving. He asked why I ran so early and I told him I was angry and needed to run, but as soon as I said that I started crying. Right in the middle of the gym, that's nice. But thankfully he made me laugh by saying "Hey, there's no crying, there's no crying at the gym". So between the treadmill and my walk home, I burned 300 calories. I haven't eaten THAT badly but I certainly have been enjoying easter candy and pepsi, so I am hoping the gym will combat that and then I'll try to get back to my GD diet next week.
We're going to get our tattoos tomorrow. I'm excited, I didn't think I'd ever want another one, I have two. My first one is a sun and moon design on the outside of my right ankle, and I have my mom's initials with a halo above them on my back. I'm getting Kayla's footprint on my inside left ankle, but I am not sure what else, I'll have her draw it up and see what can be added. This is Ryan's first tattoo, which I think is kind of funny. Just from the look of him, you would think he has tattoos everywhere, so I think it's kind of funny that I have two and he doesn't have any. I booked with the woman that helped us make the appointments last week, she seemed really nice and I figured if I start crying I'd rather it be with her instead of some big biker looking guy....although sometimes those guys are the biggest softees. Ryan thought it was cool the other day that we got a nod from a biker on the way to the cemetery....we were of course the lead car behind the hearse and when he passed us he gave Ryan a nod...that was really nice.
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