Emily's first Christmas

 Christmas was great, it was so much fun to watch her open gifts and see all her new things.  She got lots of great gifts from everyone.  On Tuesday we let her open her Christmas Eve box, a day early since we have plans with family that night.  She mostly just beat on the box so we had to do most of the tearing of the wrapping paper.  Once the box was open she went right for daddy's box of Bunch o' Crunch, she liked shaking it like a rattle.  I had a box of Raisinettes and there was also a bag of popcorn though we never got around to having that.  She got a new pair of festive jammies and the movies The Rescuers and The Rescuers Down Under.  My husband and I enjoyed the candy and we all watched The Rescuers Down Under.  It will be more exciting as she gets older and understands what is going on, but for now it was a nice evening and I was happy to start the tradition.

On Christmas eve I got her all dressed up in a red and black fancy dress complete with tights and Mary Janes....she doesn't need to be an ultimate girly girl like my niece, but I am hoping she doesn't despise girly stuff like I did when I was little.  It would be nice if she'll willingly put on dresses for special occasions as she gets older.  So she and I met my dad at church, Ryan stayed home to get dinner ready.  She did wonderful at church, she was very quiet for the first half, and only made a few sounds through out the second half, and they were just the ones that prompt friendly looks and smiles from the people around us.  No ear piercing screaming thank goodness.

Then we went home, dad and my stepmom and stepsister came over, as did my brother and his wife.  We had grilled burgers and cheese and chocolate fondue.  The traditional swiss cheese turned out good, but the velveeta cheese and the chocolate didn't go so well.  Oh well, live and learn.  After dinner we opened presents, in addition to the new jumper dad and my stepmom got her (which came that evening before church so she got to try it out and loved it) she also got a ton of clothes, cute slippers and lots of books.  They also got her some toys to keep at my dad's house so she has things to play with there and a Molly doll (Bubble Guppies) that talks.

The next morning we blissfully slept till 9 and once Em was all changed, we opened her presents first.  She needed help, but she did pretty good.  We got her a Minnie Mouse doll that crawls...kinda hoping Minnie will teach her how to crawl.  She also got a baby doll with a soft body and her head rattles, and she got some stocking stuffers like more pacis, those net things you can put fruit in them so she can chew on the fruit with less risk of choking, more teething toys and a small rattle stuffed animal.

After a nice nap, we got ready and went to my inlaws and had an amazing dinner.  One day I would love to be able to host like my MIL does.  She never looks frazzled, the food always turned out good and there is room on the table for everything without having to go to different stations all over the kitchen to get your food. 

At their house, one person opens all of their presents at a time and we go in order of age, so Emily got to go first.  My inlaws got her an activity table and a thing with balls in it that spin around and the lights light up when you push the top.  I think they also got her some clothes and in her stocking were these adorable pink moccasins.  My SIL and BIL got her some clothes and some cute little fur lined white boots.  Unfortunately none of her slippers or boots stay on very well but they make for good photo ops.

So it was a great first Christmas, and it was nice to experience it through a child's eyes again.  I've always loved Christmas, but it's gotten a bit boring as an adult, so it's exciting to get to relive it through Emily and see her so excited.  I know it will only get better as she gets a little older, but even at 9 months she looked happy and excited to see her gifts, and she hugged all of her stuffed animals that she got.  I felt bad though that I didn't feel bad enough about missing Kayla over Christmas.  I miss her, every single day, but Christmas isn't as hard because of Emily.  Right after we lost her, I decided right then and there that I didn't want to have Christmas last year.  We were still 9 months away, but at the time I wanted nothing to do with it.  I didn't want to decorate or put up a tree, I didn't want lights outside or to celebrate with any family.  It was just going to be another regular day.  In fact we were contemplating going away for Christmas so we wouldn't even have to be reminded what time of year it was.

But, after 9 months, we had healed enough to breathe a little easier, but the biggest band aid for our hearts was the fact that by Christmas last year, I was 6 months pregnant with Emily, so we decided to go ahead with Christmas as usual.  It wasn't easy, and I was anxious about it, but it went alright.  But this year....I was excited for it.  I couldn't wait to see Emily open her gifts and stick to traditions we had when me and my husband were kids, and traditions we were starting with our own family.  It's very hard to be sad around Emily, she makes me smile all day every day.  So it makes me feel terrible that Christmas wasn't hard without Kayla.  I miss her every day, I think about her every day, and I look at Emily and I wonder who Kayla would have been.  But there is one glaring thing that goes through my mind far too often, and that is, Emily wouldn't be here if Kayla was.

I will never ever ever say I am happy that we lost Kayla.  I will never say it all worked out for the best.  I know if she had survived and we never knew Emily, we would be full of smiles and laughter every day over what Kayla would do.  But aside from feeling her inside me for 4 months and holding her tiny body, I don't know her.  I don't know what her personality would have been like, I don't know what her eyes would have looked like, I don't know how her voice would have sounded.  But I do know all of that about Emily, and it kills me, it fucking kills me to think of my life without Emily.  She can never replace Kayla, and I will always love her and miss her, but I feel so guilty for not missing her more, for not being more sad at Christmas time.  I liked a bereavement page on facebook and there has been lots of talk about getting through the holidays and people commenting, saying how terrible they are, saying how miserable they are without their baby.  Why aren't I more sad?  It sounds stupid to wish to be more sad, but I am afraid of losing her, I am afraid of letting Emily replace her.

But it hasn't all been easy.  We got family photos taken last month, and we have a large canvas print in our living room.  I look at it often, and think about how it is a lie.  We are all smiling, our cute little family of three, but we are not a family of three, but the fourth member is gone.  And sigining the Christmas cards....I had them printed to say "Love, the Smiths" (not our real name btw), so that I didn't have to feel judged by signing Kayla's name or feel bad for not signing it, but then I went ahead and signed the back with our three names.  I felt terrible about that from the moment I mailed them.  I will not be making that mistake again in coming years.

So, hopefully I am just at a place in my grief right now where I need to be happy.  I know there is nothing wrong with being happy, and nothing wrong with loving Emily....I just have so little of Kayla to hold on to, I am afraid of letting go even more.

Emily has a second tooth coming in, it's her other bottom incisor.  She seems to be feeling better, I haven't needed to give her as much medicine lately and she isn't crying as much, but the first one is popped all the way through and the second one is mostly popped through, so I think the pain is subsiding for now.  But I am sure it won't be long until another one comes popping through and makes my baby cry some more. 

I am trying to teach her how to drink from a sippy cup.  She does better than she used to, a couple months ago when I tried, she just chewed on the handles.  Now she does put the spout in her mouth, but it's the kind that nothing will come out without some sucking, and so far she doesn't do that.  Not sure if I should be using a different sippy, or if I just need to keep offering it and eventually she will get it.  Her new thing lately, and she doesn't do it all the time, but sometimes if I get close to her face and say "Emmy can I have a kiss", she'll tilt her head up and meet me for a kiss.  It's sooooo sweet.

We went up north this past weekend for the annual christmas party on my dad's side.  It's actually the first time I've gone, I always had to go back to work the day after Christmas so I never felt like going out of town.  It was nice, lots of good food and my aunts were all excited to see Emily again and they all passed her around like a hot potato.  My dad was holding her and I was sitting across the table from them.  My grandma was next to them and suddenly she gave Emily a rubberband to play with.  Before I could even finish the thought of WTF is she thinking, she's either going to snap herself or put that nasty thing in her mouth, Emily promptly took it from her, pulled it with her other hand and snapped it on her wrist.  She got a shocked look on her face, then burst into tears.  If I could read her thoughts, they would have been, "Whhhhy did you give me that, it huuuuurt".  She was fine, and I wasn't super mad, but my grandma raised 12 kids, she has 28 grandkids, 16 great grandkids and her first great great grandkid was born today actually.  Why in the hell did she think it was a good idea to give a baby a rubberband?

9 months

Emily turned 9 months last week.  Where is the time going?  My baby is such a big girl now, she doesn't even look like a baby to me anymore.  I can't believe that in addition to the 9 months I was pregnant with her that she's been with us now for 18 months.  It is true, once you have kids, you have no idea how you lived without them before.

A few days before she turned 9 months I noticed her first tooth coming in.  Yay!  Or so I thought.  I was so excited to finally see a tooth, I've been looking for them since she started drooling around 3 months.  I was even surprised to see that she was handling it quite well, she would cry more than usual, if I took a toy away, or if I left the room when she didn't want me to she'd cry, but that was about it....until the end of last week.  She cried at the drop of a hat, she's difficult to console, and she's all stuffy and snotty because of the teething.  She sneezes a lot and always has snot all over her face, so I try to clean her up but she hates it and cries even more.

I hate it, I feel so bad for her.  So I assume that in addition to the one that has already popped through, she probably has a few more waiting to cut through and causing her a lot of pain.  I ran to the store the other night and bought her more Tylenol (cause you can never have enough infant Tylenol in the house), baby orajel, boogie wipes and Hyland teething tablets.  My purchases must have screamed "I am a new mom".  But the lady in front of me was even more frazzled.  Her son lost a shoe and she was freaked that she lost it in the store somewhere, then he wouldn't sit in the cart without crying so she had to hold him, then she forgot to ask for another receipt so she had to ask the cashier to reprint it.  She apologized to me for taking too long and I said that's ok, mine is probably crying at home right now.  She was like thank goodness, someone who gets it.  Then she started to walk away without her bags and the cashier had to call her back and I could tell, on top of being frazzled, that she was embarrased too.

She seemed nice, I wish I wouldn't have been weird to stop her and ask to be mommy friends.  I had to laugh one day on the bump some women were discussing how to get another mom's number.  They sounded like a bunch of guys talked about getting some chicks number, but it was just a mom who wanted to hang out with another mom.

Just two more days until Christmas, I cannot wait to watch Emily open her presents.  And watch her play with them, I feel like she's getting a little bored with her toys.  I'm also excited to see what she gets....people keep telling me what they got for her and I'm just like shhhh, I want it to be a surprise for me too.  The jumper/exersaucer thing we bought for her is huuuge so we ended up putting that one in the basement for when we're down there, and using a smaller one my aunt had given me.  But she was able to rip off two of the three toys on it and seemed bored, so I took it back to Once Upon a child to sell it and buy a new one, but they didn't have any!  They usually have a ton, so I sold hers back and couldn't get her another one.  So I checked a resale place by my dad's house but they only had one boring looking one and it was too much money for being second hand.  My dad and stepmom hadn't gotten their big gift for her yet so I picked out one I liked and they bought it for her for christmas.  It's all pink....I had been trying to get big things gender neutral in case we ever end up having a boy, but whatever.  I don't care anymore.  I am glad the carseat and strollers are all neutral, but if we ever had a boy I'd just buy him a second hand jumper and sell the pink one.  Same with the highchair.  It's too bad they don't make the fabric to buy and swap out the pink for the blue since there is obviously nothing wrong with the plastic underneath.

Emily had her 9 month appointment today.  Everything was good, and I loved that she didn't need any shots.  I am not sure I could handle her screaming and crying over shots and teething.  So the doctor said I can start feeding her more solid food meals and cut out her midnight bottle.  Actually she kind of gave me a funny look when I told her I woke her up for the bottle.  I figured she was too old to be getting a bottle in the middle of the night, but I tried cutting it out a couple months ago and just giving her more in her bottles, but her little tummy couldn't handle the big bottles at the time, and then she'd get constipated from not getting as many liquids.  I think she can handle it now though.

But the best part is, that means I can go to bed whenever I want.  Many nights, like tonight, I could go to bed right now (11:30) or sooner, but I had to stay up till midnight to feed her, and then I would miss my "window" of being tired and end up staying up till 2 or 3 and just lay there, tossing a turning.  But now I don't have to wait up, I can just go to bed whenever I am tired.  She normally went right back to bed after her bottle, but some nights she would end up wide awake after and then be up for an hour or two.  So another reason to be glad we can stop that.

You are the mother of all mothers

I'm supposed to be making lunches for the week, but I forgot to write about something completely exciting.  There is a magazine called Still Standing for bereaved parents.  I've posted in here my favorite article by Angela Miller called Why you did not fail as a mother.  I think I posted it back in July of 2013 or you can google it if you're interested in reading it.  It's kind of my bereaved mother bible, and I read it whenever I am feeling bad, or need the kick in the butt that I did nothing wrong, that I love my daughters and I would do anything to have them both here with me.

So anyway, I recently discovered that the author turned her article into a book called You are the mother of all mothers, and was even more excited to discover that the book has a tribute page and you can have your angel's name included in the book.  The book had already printed once, and I found information that the tribute page for the second printing opened up back in August, so of course there was no more space.  I liked the author on facebook so I can get updates on when the page will open for the third printing.

Much to my surprise, a couple days later I saw a post saying to hurry and reserve your spot for the third printing soon since there are only twenty spots left.  I immediately opened my email and almost couldn't get the email written legibly since I was rushing so much to email the author to reserve a spot.  So $135 later, we have a spot reserved so Kayla's name will be in the next printing due out in late winter/early spring and we get two copies of the book and it includes shipping and handling.

I'm so happy, to see Kayla's name in print in a book with other lovely angels, telling the world she was here....I love this.  Back when the movie Return to Zero came out I was bummed to learn that there was an oppotunity to have her name added to the credits.  But this is even better, this will be in a book that I can look at over and over, and I am excited to read the book.

After I reserved Kayla's spot, I sat there for a minute, contemplating, and then thought what the hell, I bought a spot for my stepmom as well to add her son's name.  He passed away from brain cancer 10 years ago at the age of 29.  The book is geared to any parent who has lost a child at any age, so I thought this would be a great surprise for her.  I cannot wait to give her the book when it arrives. 

In other Kayla news, the candlelight vigil that the hospital hosts at the cemetery for our babies is coming up this week.  We went last year and it was nice.  I was a little unsure though if we should take Emily...there were some kids there last year but they were all a little older, like 3 and 4 and older.  I would hate to upset someone who recently lost a baby by bringing a baby.  Maybe it would be ok if we could kind of stand in the back and not be noticed much, but it will be outdoors, in the dark, probably cold and it starts at her bedtime, so there is a good chance she could be cranky or chatty and that could really upset someone, even if their loss isn't super recent, to hear a baby crying or chatting when they are already emotional at an event for their baby.

We've been wanting to go out for dinner and a movie, so my dad is watching her on Thursday so we can go to an afternoon movie, get dinner afterward and if we time it all right, it should be about time to go to the vigil from dinner, and then we'll go home after that and put her to bed.  Maybe we'll take her next year, but definitely the year after that.  I want her to be a part of remembering her sister, but this year and probably next she won't know what is going on, and by not taking her I don't have to worry about upsetting anyone.

She didn't nap at all today....like at all.  We were going to my friend's house today to exchange gifts with her and her boys so I tried putting her down for a nap around 11 but she wouldn't sleep.  So I got her up and tried to get her to sleep with me, but no....so I tried putting her down again and still nothing.  So on the way to my friend's house we stopped at my dad's for a visit for about an hour and she was awake for the entire 20 minute drive.  But then she fell asleep on the 5 minute drive from my dad's to my friend's.  I felt terrible waking her up since I knew she needed to sleep.  So we stayed for a few hours, and then went to pick up dinner on the way home.

Well, first we had to make another pit stop at my dad's.  When we left my friend's house I realized I needed to go to the bathroom....I didn't have the stroller so I wouldn't be able to take her in and go at the restaurant, and I knew it was be an awful drive home if I didn't go, haha, so I called my dad, said I am stopping back over, I needed him to come out and sit with her while I ran in and used his bathroom.  She probably would have been fine in the car, she was asleep again, his neighborhood is safe, I would have locked the doors, but I just couldn't do it.  So when we got to the restaurant I had to wake her up again, and then again when we got home.  I felt so bad, but at least that last stretch on the way home was a good 15 minute nap.  But then she was so wired from not sleeping that she didn't go to bed until 2 hours past her bedtime. 

So this brings up a question.  How do you pee when you're out and about with your little one, they cannot walk yet to stand there, and you have no where to put them while you go? 

Walking?

I am always so amazed every time Emily does something new.  I am such a proud mama, as if no other child has done any of these things and I think she is a genius.  Well, that she may be.  Anyway, I've been trying to help her learn to crawl, but so far she just refuses to get up on her knees.  I've even tried putting her in position and she'll stay like that for a few seconds before falling back on to her tummy.

So the other day I was helping her do sit ups, holding out my hands for her to pull on to sit up.  Once she was in a sitting position, to my surprise, she grabbed on to me and pulled herself into a standing position.  I've said it all along, maybe she'll just skip crawling and go straight to walking, but now it looks like she might do just that.  A few nights later once she was standing she leaned for the christmas tote that was next to us, so I guided her arms from me to the tote, she stood there and took one step toward it.  Yay Emmy!  But then after a few minutes her arms got tired and she face planted into the tote, my poor baby.

It will be amazing when she starts walking, but I kind of hope she doesn't skip crawling.  I am not sure this mama can handle walking right away.  She has less opportunity to get hurt crawling.  Maybe I should take the baby gate downstairs.  When it was delivered months ago we set it against the wall in the hallway and it never got taken downstairs.  I am sick of it sitting there, but I know the minute I haul it downstairs, she will become mobile and I'll have to bring it back upstairs.  So if I want her to become mobile, I should take it downstairs, just like you have to go to the bathroom at a restaurant if you want the food to come.

Last weekend we went with my friend and her boys to see Santa.  Emily did great, no tears, she just stared at him and touched the fur on his coat.  I got some great pictures.  I loved the Santa, he was very nice and friendly, and the location was great, at a museum in my hometown.  My friend's mom got me in the museum for free on a visitor's pass and seeing Santa is free so that was nice.  We plan on getting a membership there this year....in addition to the museum there is also a historic village and Emily and I went there this past summer with my SIL.  It was nice just to walk around, and Emily loved the train, the carousel and the little playground.  Going just twice would pay for the membership itself compared to general admission each time so I think it's definitely worth it and we can go see Santa there every year.

I'm so glad Em is a little older for her first Christmas and not just a tiny newborn.  I know she really has no clue what is going on, but she can at least participate a little.  We decorated our tree the other day and her face lit up when I turned the lights on and I picked her up and we put her ornament on first.  She loves to grab paper and crunch it so I think she will have a good time tearing at her presents.

So my little pumpkin is getting to be quite sassy.  If you take something from her that she shouldn't have, or if you're trying to fix something she has she throws a fit.  Sometimes I will give her something she can have, like if I want her to have a toy but she grabbed my cell phone instead, but I won't just give her something to placate her.  I hope she is not too young to start doing that to, but I think too often people don't discipline their children until their older and by then bad habits are set.  I don't want her to think screaming and crying will always gets her what she wants.  But I do think I must be a horrible mother because I think she is so cute when she cries.  It breaks my heart, but she's adorable with her little face all scrunched up.

In diaper news, I think we've finally found an overnight diaper that works.  Emily sleeps about 12 hours and I hate waking her up in the middle of the night to change her diaper.  We had been using Pamper's baby dry but at least 2 or 3 days a week she woke up soaking wet.  So I tried going up a size, same problem.  So then I doubled up, a smaller size and the bigger size over top....it helped, but she was still waking up wet more often than I liked.  I love Pamper's Swaddlers, but I've heard good things about Huggie overnights.  This morning was day 4 of waking up with completely dry jammies.  Hopefully the trend continues, that's got to feel miserable being all wet and cold.  I still have quite a few baby dry diapers left, but if the Huggies continue to work well, I can give them to my cousin who is coming to visit next week.

Emily and I went to visit them and their new baby last week and also to get the old Keurig they are giving me that they aren't using anymore.  So we went and chatted, got a tour of their new house, laughed at the babies meeting each other, and after a couple hours we said goodbye and were on our way, and we all completely forgot about the Keurig.  So they're going to come visit us next week and (hopefully) bring it. 

Cemetery decorations

Once again I am very disappointed with the cemetery Kayla is buried in.  It's never been my favorite, the appearance just isn't very nice.  Not far from Kayla's grave is an open area where they store vaults...just out in the open.  It looks very creepy and I can't understand why they can't just put up a small section of fence, or plant some pine trees or something to hide them.  The roads are also crap, they are always full of potholes, after a rain they are flooded.  Again, are you that strapped for cash that you can't pave the damn roads?  It's not some backwoods family cemetery where no one comes to visit anymore, it would be nice to be able to get to my daughter's grave without being bounced all over the car.  The ONLY reason we chose that cemetery is location.  Plain and simple, we had to have our baby close by.

So my latest rant, the decorations.  I understand that cemeteries have regulations about what is allowed and how often the decorations are allowed to stay.  Anytime we go to my mom's cemetery, the things we brought last time are usually gone.  I get that, the cemetery would look like crap if you never had any regulations, people would probably try to park the deceased's favorite couch on their grave if you let them.  Kayla's cemetery is no different, the sign when you drive in has the dates in which they do fall and spring clean up.  However, in the almost two years we've been going there, the baby garden has always seemed to be an exception.

We've always had at least 3 or 4 small items on Kayla's grave, including a teddy bear, a pinwheel, etc....other graves also have stuffed animals and pinwheels and such.  One grave, the family obviously couldn't afford a grave marker so they just had a generic garden stone with a pretty saying on it to mark the grave.  I went today, and everything was gone.  Everything.  Her stuffed animal, the pinwheel her Nana gave her on the day of her funeral, the butterfly stake we got her, a bouquet of fake flowers so she would always have flowers.

All of the other baby graves were bare as well, including the garden stone to mark that baby's grave.  I am so angry and sad.  If we had known that they would do this clean up, we would have made sure to take those items before the clean up was done.  I completely understand the rules, but when they have never applied those rules to that section before, I think it is bullshit that they suddenly did this.  Especially that little girl's marker.  It was flat on the ground just like the regulation ones.  Is the cemetery really going to go broke because this one family couldn't afford a $1000 stone? 

I can understand the rules for the rest of the cemetery, but losing a baby is so damn unnatural and horrible, I don't see what is wrong with allowing us to keep sentimental items at their graves all the time.  And even if they decided this year it needed to be cleaned up, there are only about a dozen graves in the ground over there (as opposed to the mausoleums), would it have been that hard to send out a notice to the parents to let us know that even though in the past the decorations were overlooked, this year they would not be?

kids vs pets

I should be making my dessert for Thanksgiving Day dinner tomorrow while Emily naps, but I need to vent first.  A friend of mine just posted on FB this picture of a dog that says, "don't tell me I am not a mom just because my kids have four legs and fur".  Then it goes on to say how much they do for their animals; bathing them, feeding them, taking care of them, etc, and then says "I am their mom and they are my kids".

I am probably taking this way more seriously than it is meant to be, but it kind of pisses me off.  To compare a pet to a child is ludicrous.  I love my cats, and I dread the day they pass away.  I've had Zoey since he was a kitten, for many years it was just the two of us and I will be devestated when he dies.  He is 12 years old, so it's something I think about it, especially when I see him sleeping more, and slowing down.  I do agree that pets aren't just an animal and they are a member of the family.....but, they are not kids.  When my cats die, I will be very sad.  I will cry and probably be pretty sad for a few days.  I will always remember them, they have distinct personalities, they cannot just be replaced with new cats.  But life will go on, and we would probably eventually get another cat.

But when a child dies, a part of you dies with them.  You never recover from the death of a child, you aren't just sad for a while, you are broken, crushed, and will never be the same.  I know everyone grieves differently and despite being an animal lover myself, I am sure there are those that would grieve deeper than I would for a pet, but if you become depressed, can't get out of bed for months and months because you lost a pet, you probably need some sort of psychological help.

And let's not even talk about losing one, let's talk about the love.  As I said, I love my cats, they've added lots of joy to my life, but they cannot even begin to compare to the amount of love I feel for my daughters.  Being a parent is the toughest job on earth, so to say that being a pet parent is the toughest job on earth is complete bullshit.  Do you lie awake at night worried about your pet?  Do you feel guilty because you couldn't do something that you absolutely should not feel guilty for?  Do you compare your pets to other people's pets and worry about their developement, their health, their happiness?  Now granted I have not been through this part yet myself, but having once been a teenage girl, I don't look forward to being on the mom side of the teenage years, but do you spend years trying to do what is right for your pet, worrying about them non-stop, having them hate you for several years, desperately waiting for them to grow up and come back to you?  Do you worry about raising your pets to be kind, happy, compassionate, well rounded individuals, seeing every one of their failures as nothing but your own failure?  Do you send them out into the world everyday, worried that something will happen to them, worried someone will be mean to them, worried they'll be mean to someone, worried that others judge you for how you choose to raise them?  No?  Then having pets is not the same as being a parent to children.

It's fine to love your pet and say they are your babies.....but to say you are just as much a mother to pets as someone is a mother to a child is just absolutely ridiculous.  Except of course for the people that shouldn't even own a pet rock.  I know some parents of children don't even deserve the title of parents, but that's another rant.

So we survived our first overnight away from Emily.  It was fun, and I honestly wasn't worried about her at all.  It was hard saying goodbye to her, I gave her a million hugs and kisses but I knew she was in good hands.  The only thing that made me sad was they took her to the funeral home because my MIL's cousin had died, and she said she felt like she was searching all of the faces in the room for us.  I am not upset that they took her, but I am sure if they were home the whole time she would have been fine, but it makes me sad to think she was wondering where we were, and hoping to see us in that crowd of people.

So we checked into the hotel around 5 and went to our room.  It was a very nice room, I'd venture to say it was one of the nicest rooms we've ever had.  Our room even had a doorbell, I thought that was pretty cool.  It doesn't take much to impress me.  I got the Executive Room package, which to my confusion was the same price as a Deluxe room, but the Executive package came with snacks in the Butler's Lounge that night and breakfast the next day.  The snacks were decent, the breakfast was not.  So we had our snacks, and then went to the casino floor. 

I lost $20 in a slot machine but then played another $20 and won $60.  Then we lost some at roulette, and then we lost some on another slot.  By then it was time for the Boys II Men concert.  They were really good, they did all the good songs but their concert was a bit different from when we saw them last year in Vegas.  During the song I'll make love to you, they come out into the audience and passed out roses.  I was pregnant last year and wasn't about to go fight a crowd of women for a rose, so I was like oh I'm getting one this time.  In Vegas it was like a big auditorium so they came off stage and walked up the aisles.  But this time the venue was like a small concert venue so the stage was very high up and we were off to the side on like a mezanine level.  We had great seats, but they wouldn't be coming near us with roses.  They just handed them out to the people on the floor in front of the stage.  I was jumping up and down, waving my arms in the air and they did toss a few to our section, the woman in the row ahead of ours got one, but no rose for Amy :(  I was bummed.  But after the concert my darling husband did go down to the main floor and got me a few rose petals that had fallen off, so dammit I got something.

We both had two long islands during the concert, they were yummy and I hadn't been buzzed in a long time, so that was fun.  Afterward we went back to the casino floor, I had a Vodka Cranberry and I said I wanted to find a slot machine, put in some money, and play the max bet until the money ran out.  So we put in $30 and on my second bet I won some sort of prize where you pick five treasure chests, so from that I won 15 free games.  From that, I won $150.  So we cashed out and took our happy butts back to our room.  So I think in total we got our money back and won about $90.

So then we were in for the night.  I took a bath in the nice big tub and then cooled off in the shower....I love trying out hotel showers...it's the first thing I do when I get to a room is check out the bathroom.  Then we ordered room service and I didn't eat very much but I felt so full and bloated.  It might have been from drinking too.  So as if I am not old enough, I was hungover before we even went to bed.  I didn't know that was possible.   I didn't feel well and had a headache so I didn't sleep well.  It was my only complaint of the evening, I was really looking forward to a sleep where I didn't have to worry about getting up for Emily.  But all in all it was a fun night, Emily had a good time at home with Nana and Papa.  Nana brought over a hand print kit so they made us an ornament of her hand print, and they said she went down with no problems and never woke up in the middle of the night.  What a good girl we have.

Oh, the highlight of my night, not once, but twice, two separate security guards pointed at me and said I need to see her ID....they didn't want to see Ryan's but they wanted mine, that just made my night, especially since I am older than Ryan.  Only by four months, but still, I thought it was cool.

Thankful

I am waiting for Emily to wake up from her nap so we can go to the grocery, so in the meantime I thought I would take a moment to talk about my family.  Occasionally my stepmom can be a little "large" with Em and voice that she doesn't get to see her enough.  But I realized the other day how lucky I am, and how lucky Emily is to have grandparents who love her so very much.  Even if I have to occasionally think about putting a tether on her in case Grammy strikes and kidknaps her :), I am extremely thankful for how much she loves her.

Some kids don't have any living grandparents, or at least not all of them, and those that do don't have ones that will win grandparent of the year award.  Emily's grandma was taken from us far too early, but we are blessed to have my stepmom in our lives.  Sometimes she'll just hold her tight and I hear her tell her that she loves her so much, and that just melts my heart.  I had a grandma who loved me to the moon and back, her love was unconditional and I miss her every day, and I am so happy that Emily has grandmothers, both here on earth and in heaven, who will always think she can do no wrong and love her to pieces.  Her grandpa's are also so adoring of her and I am thankful that she'll have an older generation of both male and female figures in her life that she can look up to and learn from.

I was also thinking the other day of my extended family.  I have a big family, and most families have drama.  My family is no exception, some don't get along with this one, and some are hard to get along with, but overall for having such a big family, I think it's pretty amazing how close we all are and how little we want to kill each other compared to some families.  My aunts and uncles have a lot of nieces and nephews.....a lot, like 30 just on one side.  Some of my cousins and aunts and uncles are closer to each other because geographically they are closer.  But even though I don't see them that often, they never miss an opportunity to see us when they can, and are happy to see us.

They are just as happy to see and snuggle my kid as they are one of my cousins' kids whom they are closer to and see more often, and I just love them.  I am a very very lucky girl to have born into this family.  They may be a bunch of crazies, but they are my crazies.

We have a crib napper!

 Until last week, Emily always napped in her swing, snuggled on the couch with me or occasionally on the floor with a blanket.  Despite sleeping great in her crib at bedtime since day one, she wouldn't nap in her crib.   It's like she had to let sleep sneak up on her.  Sleeping in the living room wasn't ideal anymore because I couldn't do much while she was napping for fear of waking her up, and lots of noises out of my control could wake her up, like the UPS man knocking on the door.  A friend of mine said her son wouldn't nap in his crib till he was older, and I thought about that last week so I decided to give it a try again.

It worked!  It only takes her anywhere from 2-15 minutes to fall asleep (vs the 30-45 in the swing) and I have at least 30 minutes free time and I don't have to worry much about noise.  It's nice.  I do wish she would nap a little longer, but 30 minutes isn't bad.  She's probably getting a better sleep than she ever did in the swing and we can stick to a schedule better since it doesn't take forever to go down anymore.

So google tells me nobody really knows if handedness is genetic.  Some articles say it could be, some say it probably isn't.  However we've noticed that if you hand something to Emily, she most often reaches for it with her left hand, so I am anxious to see once she is older if we are right (no pun intended) and that she will be a lefty.  Both her mama and daddy are mixed-handedness.  Ryan is mostly left handed but there are several things he does with his right hand rather than left.  I am right handed when it comes to writing and playing tennis, but everything else I do with my left hand....eating, brushing my teeth, talking on the phone, etc. 

I never realized it was weird until one Thanksgivng when I was a teenager my grandpa commented, "Amy I didn't know you are left handed".  I said I'm not, and I looked around the table and everyone held their fork in their right hand, mine was in my left.  Huh, whatdoyaknow.  So Ryan said the other day that if she does seem to be a lefty, he said we should encourage her to use her right since he had a hard time as a lefty growing up.  But I don't want to do that and he agreed when I told him why.  I honestly believe you are born being a right hander or a left hander.  I write extremly weird with my right hand....I hold my pen very strangely, my pinky finger sticks out, my hand hurts after just a few words and I have terrible handwriting (though I blame that on typing, the better typist I became, the worse my handwriting got).  When I was little I used both hands for everything, and a teacher told my parents to encourage me to use my right since it is a right handers' world.

I really think I should have been left handed, or maybe even mixed handed like I am, but I should have learned to write with my left.  It feels comfortable to hold a pen in my left hand, and I hold it correctly in my left hand, but I just can't write left handed because I haven't done it all my life.  I've tried to teach myself but I get impatient and give up.  I do agree it is a right handers' world, but what is harder, being a left hander in a right handers' world, or being a lefty who is forced to be a righty in a right handers' world?

So Emily will be whatever she wants to be.  Right handed, ok fine.  Lefty, great (I admit, I would kind of like her to be a lefty because they are so uncommon and therefore special) or mixed handed like us.  That would be funny to have a whole family of lefties/mixed handed. 

In other news, I am 35 years old and I am forcing myself to become a coffee drinker.  I've always HATED coffee, never like the smell, taste....I don't even like coffee drinkers.  Especially at work, whenever I had to train someone that drank coffee they would have their nasty smelly coffee on my desk and they were all crazy...."I HAVE TO GET MY COFFEE".  There was even a group of women that would take turns picking up coffee for themselves and others from Tim Horton's and they would come in EVERY morning complaining about how horrible the customer service was and what they got wrong today, but they would still go there every day.  And I don't know what the IT dept did to their coffee, but it smelled terrible, I hated walking past their department.

So in case it wasn't clear, I hate coffee.  But, I need something to get me going in the morning.  Monday I could not get out of bed and I ended up snoozing both in bed and on the couch with Em until like noon.  That's terrible.  I felt like crap and while I did get everything done yesterday, it took until 10pm.  I also late laying in bed forever trying to fall asleep on nights that I slept too much that morning.  So I dusted off my little one cup Mr. Coffee that we got as a wedding present for company and got some Dunkin Donuts coffee ( I love their hot chocolate so I thought maybe I could stand the coffee).  So once I loaded it with three sugars and three creamers, it's tolerable and I can choke it down.

I'm hoping the remaining coffee taste is an acquired taste and I will someday like it.  I do like tea, but tea doesn't make itself so coffee it is.  It also seemed like the lesser of the evils like pop, or energy drinks.  I think I might ask Santa for a Keurig though so I can experiment with different flavors and teas and hot chocolate and stuff.  But, I got up at 6:30 and wasn't tempted to go back to bed since I was wide awake, so nasty as it may be, it did its job.

So I was reading my entry about Emily's birth story today, and I was reminded about a moment after she was born that I don't think I have ever written about.  The OR was pretty packed with med students and interns and such.  Once I was in recovery my nurse was taking my vitals and getting me comfortable since I was freezing after my C-section and couldn't stop shaking.  There were still a few med students milling about, so my nurse asked one of the young men to help clean me up....basically a sponge bath below the waist. 

Another female med student kept saying she could do it, but the nurse was like no no, he can do it.  Now, I am fine with male doctors but this kid looked so horrified and embarrassed to have to do this.  He was young too, couldn't have been older than early 20s.  So because he was uncomfortable about it, it made me uncomfortable.  It didn't seem like this male, medical professional was doing this, it felt like they just called in some random guy off the street to clean me up.  So awkward.  For his sake and his career choice, I hope he gets more comfortable and professional with that.

I bought Em a bath sponge today....holy moly I love that thing.  It's such a simple concept but it made bath time so much better.  It is a big sponge made to look like a ladybug that she sits on in the tub.  I am bathing her now in the big tub and I no longer get in with her since she can sit now.  But it was kind of hard because I worried about her falling over before I could catch her and cracking her head on the tub floor, and her little butt was pretty slippery in the tub, and sometimes for those awkward spots I have to lay her down in the tub....she likes to lift her head a lot and look around, and she would not lay her head back down gently.  But the sponge solves all those problems.  It keeps her from sliding around, she won't hit her head if she topples over and it's nice and comfy for her to lay down on.  Yay bath sponge!

Em's First Halloween

 Well Emily's first Halloween wasn't very successful.  We went to my MILs for dinner and then trick or treating with her two cousins.  It was cold and rainy though, so Ryan and I called it quits after 5 houses.  If she were older we would have toughed it out, but all she knew was she was stuck in this weird outfit where she couldn't move her legs, it was dark out and this cold wet wind was blowing on her face.  Of the five houses she only scored two candy bars, two bags of chips and fruit snacks.  Come on people, we want candy!

But we got to put her in her cute costume, which was a lady bug by the way.  I hadn't planned on buying her two, but I was at Once Upon a Child hoping maybe I could score her banana suit there when I came across the lady bug, and it was only 5 bucks.  Luckily the weather last weekend for the Zoo Boo was beautiful.  So we headed back to the house while my niece and nephew and BIL and SIL went on.  It was nice, Emily and I just relaxed and chatted with my MIL, and she had plenty of candy so have no fear, I am sure I ate my body weight in sugar today.  Plus she made dirt cake, AND I brought Red Lobster biscuits for dinner.  Ugh, I better not eat at all tomorrow.  MIL is coming tomorrow to help me clean the garage so hopefully I can work off some of those calories.

It was so cute, at dinner Emily sat next to me in her Bumbo chair and I fed her some applesauce while we ate.  I knew she was tired because she had only napped for about 30 minutes today despite my efforts to get her to sleep more (must have been excited to go get mommy some candy).  So she started doing her "nodding yes" thing, but the nods started getting longer and slower until she would just hang her head down....then she'd snap her head back up and then her eyes would close and her head would droop again.  It was so cute and funny, and all of us meanies just sat there laughing at her until my SIL took her out of her chair and snuggled her.  Ok, it was less than 30 seconds that we laughed at her.

Speaking of laughs, OMG Emily's laughs just make my soul smile.  I swear her laughter could cure cancer and make the meanest most miserable person happy.  And the things she laughs at....the other day she busted out laughing because I zipped up her jammies.  And she loves to be scared, she cracks up when daddy growls at her, and tonight Ryan had one of those plastic hands with a bag for candy attached and he kept acting like he was going to scratch her face with it and she was laughing and laughing.  How dull my life must have been before she came along.

I was watching the 19 Kids and Counting episode when Jill got married and her parents were talking about what a good baby and kid she was.  They were like if we had had her first, we would have thought wow, we've really got this parenting thing down.  Haha, that's kind of how I feel.  Sometimes I think wow, I'm a really good mom, this parenting thing isn't so hard, I really know what I'm doing.  Then reality sets in and I realize I just have a really really good baby.  Sometimes I like to think that she is our reward for what we've been through.  God couldn't save our Kayla, so he gave us an extra special baby in Emily.  I hope He thinks we've been through enough to get TWO extra good babies if we decide to have another.

I bought Emily some Puffs today....the container says she should be crawling, but I figured it couldn't hurt.  But I tried one first and was surprised that they don't melt in your mouth as quickly as I expected.  I don't think I am quite ready to test out my Heimlich skills just yet, so I think we'll wait a little bit on those.  Speaking of food, we have about one bottle worth of breast milk left and then my freezer stash is gone.  I'm so glad we were able to use it after all, it was a lot of hard work pumping for that long, especially when I wasn't sure if she would ever be able to drink it, so I am really happy it didn't go to waste.  

Christmas and birthday oh my

It's not even November yet and I am done with Emily's christmas shopping.  Well...maybe.  Apparently shopping for Em was the one kind of shopping Ryan wanted to do, and now he says it's ruined since I did it all.  But I can probably get him out to buy another gift that he picks out.  I tried not to go too overboard this year since she won't rememebr it.  I got her a my first baby doll....it has like a rubber face but the rest of it is plushy and soft.  I debated on it, she's got TONS of stuffed animals already, but it was cute and I'm sure she'll love to hug it.  I also got her a crawling Minnie Mouse.  It plays music and I think she sings as she crawls along the floor.  I figure if she can't crawl yet by then maybe Minnie can teach her, and if she can she can crawl along with her.

I'm also just wrapping a box filled with tissue paper that she can tear into.  I'm so glad she'll be 9 months at Christmas.  Of course she won't get Christmas as much as she will when she's older, but she can participate, tear open packages, and I think she'll be excited for her presents.  I think it will be more fun for her to be older for her first Christmas, than if she was just a couple months old and just laid there.  She won't benefit much, but I am starting the tradition of her Christmas Eve box this year....well actually it will be a Christmas Eve Eve box since we have plans on Xmas eve.  So she'll get to open this present on xmas eve eve, and it will be a new pair of jammies, a movie and some snacks and candy for during the movie.  So for this year I got her some pretty jammies with snowflakes on them, and Ryan and I will enjoy the popcorn and candy and the movie.  I'm so excited about the movie, I found a double one with The Rescuers and The Rescuers Down Under.  I don't remember a ton about the first one, but the down under one is one of my favorite movies.  My grandma has it and I watched it every time I went there for years.  It will be fun to do this for her every year and see her get more and more excited for it as she gets older and remembers the tradition.

Seeing how we're less than six months till her first birthday, I think it is perfectly acceptable that I have started planning it already.  I've picked the date, but that was kind of a no-brainer.  Her birthday falls on a Thursday so it just makes sense to have it that Saturday on the 21st.  Being the end of March, it could be a blizzard or it could be a fairly nice day.  Kayla's funeral was on March 29th and it turned out to be a rather warm sunny day so it's possible.  But I think we'll plan to have it inside and then a few days before depending on the forecast we can decide if we're moving it outside or not.  Although being Michigan, we'll have to literally wait till like the day or two before.  I remember the morning after Kayla was born there was a light covering of snow outside, and then just five days later we were outside with no coats on. 

Anywho, the only theme I like so far at Party City is lady bugs, but I'm assuming character plates and cups and all that is a lot more expensive than plain pink, and I found quite a few cute ideas on Pinterest for just a general "girlie, tutu, pink" theme, so we'll likely do that.  I figure unless she turns out to be a princess girl, my time is limited on how much longer I can get away with deciding what she wears and how much pink there will be, so I've got to do the ultra girlie birthday while I can.  Not that I dress her like a cupcake every day....today she had on what I am pretty sure was a boy's blue Winnie The Pooh sweatsuit....but I like getting the frilly in when I can. 

So today started what is hopefully my new routine.  I had my husband wake me up before he left for work at 6:30am and I stayed up aside from the 30 minute nap I took with Emily this afternoon.  I actually enjoyed being up that early.  I had a good hour and a half before Em woke up, I was able to get all of my chores done before we went for our walk (granted, Wednesdays are my lightest day) and I'm hoping it will be a lot easier to fall asleep tonight.  Although tomorrow might be another story when the alarm goes off, the second day is always harder.

Weekend

 We had a nice weekend.  Saturday morning Emily went to grandpa's house while Ryan and I took an Infant CPR class at the hospital.  It was a really good class, we watched it all on video and the instructor walked around and watched us practicing on the dummies.  I hope to God I never have to use it, but choking or something happening to Em has been a huge fear of mine, so it's at least a bit of a comfort to know what to do.  It's like, as she gets closer to one and the older she gets and more capable of moving around and stuff, I am not as insane with fear about SIDS like I was when she was a tiny newborn.  But now that she's on solids and will be mobile soon, now my worry will be choking, getting injured, and getting into something that could seriously hurt her.  Welcome to parenthood, where you will worry FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

There was a mix up with the class, the instructor thought no one was signed up so someone else ended up teaching it and therefore we had to go to the OB conference room on the L&D floor.  After the class we walked out into the hallway and there were both of my OBs talking.  I waved and they finished their conversation.  Dr. G kinda glanced at us and ran off....I assume it didn't click with her who we were, and/or she had to get somewhere.  I mean, we had two doctors, and we were one of how many patients and we haven't seen them in seven months.  Plus, she's always been a bit weird.  I love her, but she's weird :)  Dr. P came over and talked to us, she asked us how we're doing and how Emily is.  She asked how old she is now and she was like wow, that much time has gone by.

It was so nice to see them, and be at the hospital.  It sounds weird, but I've actually missed that place.  I mean for 9 months I went there a lot....for the last 10 weeks I went twice a week, the doctors and nurses became my friends.  Seeing them made me realize I have to get new insurance, a plan that they accept so that if we decide to have another, I can go back to them.  I honestly don't know if I could feel comfortable having another baby and going to another doctor.  I am sure there are lots of other good doctors out there, but going to someone else is just outside of my comfort zone.  When I sent the picture and thank you note to Dr. G, I told her that I firmly believe that in the hands of someone else, that results could have been way different.  She is the one that did my cerclage, and Dr. P delivered both Emily and Kayla.  I thanked them both for getting our little girl here safely.

So after class we went to the cafeteria to have lunch.  We've had many "dates" at the hospital cafeteria.  I got a salad, they have a really good salad bar, and they had my favorite pudding cups.  So good!  Then that evening we went to my brother and sister-in-law's for dinner, and then the five of us went to the zoo for ZooBoo.  It's a Halloween event, we walked around, they had stuff set up, treat stations to get candy and stuff.  Ryan was a gorilla and Emily was his banana.  The costumes were a huge hit, everyone that saw us was like OMG, look at the ape and the banana!  Ryan would dance to the music, he'd run around acting like a gorilla, climbing on light poles and such.  People even posed with him for pictures, it was hilarious. 

Today the three of us, my brother and his wife, and my dad, stepmom and stepsister went to the park and took family pictures.  They came out pretty nice, but man was I grumpy.  I had a headache, the remote on my camera wasn't working right, nobody was listening to anything I said.  My dad and stepmom were running late so while we waited I took some awesome shots of Emily in the leaves.  She did so good too, she sat up all by herself for a good six or seven minutes until she fell over and face planted and cried her little heart out.  Makes me so sad when she hurts herself.

Here are some pics

SAHM progress report

I feel like I am finally getting a handle on this stay-at-home-mom housework thing.  For the first two months I was home, I had trouble getting everything done, and keeping it clean.  One day I looked around the house and thought to myself, our house is way too messy for me being a SAHM.  I basically give myself weekends off, so I was workng hard all week to clean, but wasn't maintaining on the weekend....and my husband and I can trash a house pretty well in just a couple days.

But I've got a good routine down now, I have to really be slacking to not be able to get all my shit done each day, and most days I have time left over for Emily snuggles or getting extra projects done.  Dishes were one of the thngs I was slacking on the most, and before I knew it the sink was full and the counters and table were cluttered.  But I've gotten into a routine where every night at 11pm I do the dishes and wash bottles, but I also do whatever dishes I can while I am cooking dinner.  Call me crazy but I like doing dishes before bed....I only have on the light above the stove, I put on some music and wash away.  It's nice waking up to a clean kitchen.

I've also switched to Fridays for grocery shopping.  I used to try doing it on Sundays, but since it's my "day off", I often wouldn't go; so I'd try to go Monday but Mondays are my busiest day and the next thing I knew it was Wednesday and I still hadn't gone and we were eating out more.  But I've successfully gone three Fridays in a row now, I'm cooking more and it's easier to shop when I consistently go every week since there is less to buy.  I'm such a good little housewife.   I find it funny that back when I was 19 I was dating this guy that always said he didn't want his future wife to work, that he was the man and it was his job to worry about money.  That's nice and all, but I was like pssshaa, I'm not going to sit home all day, be barefoot and pregnant and go to Target all the time with your sisters.  Now here I am, I couldn't wait to quit my job so I could be home with Em, and going to Target is one of the highlights of my week, haha.

But there is a difference between realizing you want to stay home, and being told you cannot work.  Besides, once Em is in school I'll go back to work, if not before, but his wife is probably home for good.  I have plenty of stuff to keep me busy now, but once kids are in school, what do you do all day?  Well, my mom did a lot of volunteer stuff, which is what I would do if I never went back to work.  But I like to shop too much to live off one income for too long :)

My MIL is coming to help me clean and organize our garage next weekend.  She LOVES to clean, and I do mean loves it.  She's a minamalist, she doesn't have clutter, she doesn't have junk.  Her motto is, when in doubt, throw it out.  I can't say I will ever be that extreme, but I am inspired by her to not be such a packrat.  I told her when I am cleaning and struggling with whether to toss something, I ask myself WWDD (what would Donna do).  I get it from my dad, he's a major packrat, as is most of his family.  It comes in handy sometimes.....in one of my apartments my stove was missing an oven knob, and my dad had a box full of oven knobs.  I didn't have curtains on my bathroom window and he just happened to have material that worked perfect for makeshift curtains.  I wanted to make a potted christmas tree from Pinterest but didn't want to spend money on a pot...he had one.  In fact, several to choose from.

But why should I be a packrat, when he has everything I could ever need and is more than happy to give away his packratted items?  When we moved in this house, Ryan and I both parked in the garage.  His Monte is still in there (but he doesn't drive it and I sooooo wish he would sell it, but whatever) but since Emily came home I haven't parked in there because it's hard to get my door open all the way with the Monte there in order to get her carseat in and out so I've been parking in the driveway.  Since he drives his new truck and it's way too big for the garage, he parks on the street so my being in the drive way doesn't interfere with him.  But, this girl doesn't like cleaning snow off her car, so we have to get the garage clean so I can start parking in there again, because "winter is coming" haha (any Game of Thrones fans?).  We've since accumulated a new bike, a jet tub, and the jogger stroller where my car used to go.  I'm so excited to have a clean, organized garage.

My next goal is to get myself on a better sleeping schedule.   I had good intentions when I first started staying home, most days I got up by 8, but since then it has become 9, and I think one day I even slept until 10:30!  Emily either plays quietly in her crib, or she sleeps off and on, but I feel terrible leaving her in her crib all that time while I'm a lazy ass.  I get up around 6 or 7 to feed and change her of course, but then I go back to bed.  Part of the problem is, I go to bed too late, so then I want to sleep later.  I also don't have to get up at a certain time, so it's really hard to not go back to bed.  The main reason I go back though is my bed is sooooo comfortable in the morning.  I crawl back in, and it's so warm and comfy and I fall right back to sleep.  It's all I ever wanted to do when I worked, I always wanted to be able to go back to bed so badly and now I can, so I do.  I think I could resist going back if going to bed at night was like that, but it's not.  Most nights I go to bed because it's so late, not because I am tired.  I swear my bed is not even half as comfortable at night as it is in the morning, and I often lay there for 20-30 minutes before I fall asleep.  That's one of the few things I miss about being pregnant, during first and second tri I slept soooo good, I was asleep the moment my head hit the pillow.  Third tri of course was a different story though.  My husband is like that, the minute he gets in bed, he is out and I hate him a little bit for that, I'm so jealous.

I took a Unisom last night....I took them when I first went back to work after losing Kayla since I had such a hard time getting to sleep and they didn't seem to do much, so I at least knew it wouldn't knock me out and I wouldn't be able to hear Emily.  It did seem to relax me I guess, I don't remember taking a real long time to fall asleep last night. 

I think we're going to switch Emily to her convertible carseat very soon....like maybe even tomorrow.  She's getting too heavy to carry in the bucket seat, and she can now sit in the seat in carts at the store, and today she sat in the stroller like a big girl, so I'm pretty much taking her in and out of the seat anyway, so why not switch?  I'm hoping it is easier to get her in and out of the convertible, 'cause right now it is such a pain to get her in and out of the bucket when I leave it in the car.  It will probably be good for her to not being laying down in the bucket all the time, sitting in carts and strollers and the convertible would probably help strengthen her abdominal muscles so she can sit unassisted.  

We still don't know if we'll have another kid, but it's fun to plan for one nonetheless.  Our other spare room is my office for now, and I redecorated it a couple years ago and painted it a deep blue.  I hate panting, and it literally took me about two months to finish painting that room, so all that hard work won't be wasted by repainting for a nursery.  So girl or boy, it will stay blue.  So I decided if we were to have another girl, she'll have a celestial room,  I think it will look awesome with the blue.  I was a little bit obsessed with sun and moon stuff when I was younger, my room at my parents' house looked like the solar system threw up in it.  I got rid of most of it when I moved out, but I kept a few of my favorite pieces.  So all I would really need to buy is a mobile and a diaper stacker (I know some people think they're useless but I love our diaper stacker) and then decorate with my old items. 

Since we've already had two girls, if we have another baby a boy would be really nice.  But since deciding on the sun and moon theme, I must confess, I would love another girl just for the reason of decorating her room, :)

Funny kid

Emmy is so funny, she cracks me up every day.  The other day she was in her jumper and my husband went to hand her her puffy cell phone.  Instead of taking it from him, she leaned forward and chomped her gums a few times, trying to bite it and grab it with her mouth.  She looked like a little shark.  She's getting much better at sitting now, she can sit for a couple minutes and she sometimes corrects herself if she starts to fall over, but she still falls way too often to let her sit without being right there.

I try to surround her with pillows but she has this amazing ability to fall where the pillow isn't.  She fell forward, and I thought she was catch herself with her hands and go into tummy time position but she just face planted, and then cried of course.  Poor baby.  She's been crying a lot lately.  Sometimes she'll do like a whine cry, like if I leave the room for too long or something, but this past week she'll be playing just fine, and then suddenly just bust out into full "I hurt myself" cry, but I can't see how or where she did.  I wonder if she's got a tooth or two coming soon because almost all her behavior has been pretty strange lately.  The last couple times my dad has had her, she just stares at him like she doesn't know him.  She's been taking a while to warm up to other people recently, and she looks for me a lot when other people have her (but I have to say, I love that).

My MIL takes her on Wednesdays and she told me she seemed like she missed me the other day.  She didn't really say why, she just said she felt like she was missing me.  Awwww.  Sunday night she didn't fall asleep until 10:30, almost 11 which is soooo weird for her.  She's normally in bed by 8 at the latest.  Monday during her midnight bottle she woke up fully and then wanted to play.  Normally she sleeps and dream feeds, or she wakes up slightly and goes right back to sleep after.  Though she did need a diaper and full jammy change, so maybe that was too much activity and woke her up.

She's been really hard to feed too.  She'll drink a couple of ounces and then either push it away or she'll grab the bottle and play with it, pinching the nipple and squirting herself in the face.  It's quite comical, but frustrating when I just want her to eat.  Every day since I've eventually gotten all of her bottles down, but Sunday she refused quite a bit and then got constipated as a result.  I think that may be possibly from not feeling well if a tooth is coming in, or just that there are so many other things she would rather be doing.  If one of the cats or daddy comes into the room, forget it, she's all done.  She'll stare at those cats for hours if she could, and she loves to "pet" Vinny.  So far he has been very tolerant of her pulling his fur, but Zoey won't go near her.  She'll probably be 5 years old before she is ever able to even touch Zoey.  He's a fraidy cat.

She loves the Bubble Guppies.  I have to admit, it is a pretty cute show and I like that it is educational for when she's a little older.  She was in her jumper the other day and it came on and she just stopped what she was doing and watched it for like 20 minutes.  Last weekend we went to some friends' house for dinner and their two boys were playing with her.  They asked if she likes to watch anything and I said the Bubble Guppies, so they brought a show up on their tablet and the three of them were laying there on their tummies watching it.  So adorable.  And, I will say it, I see nothing wrong with TV as long as it is in moderation.  Of course I don't want her watching much TV now, or hours of it in the future, but some here and there is no big deal.  Besides, there are some really educational, thought provoking, inspirational TV shows and movies.  It's not all Jersey Shore and Real Housewives.

She's been saying dadadada lately, which makes Ryan happy to no end.  Whatever, she doesn't know what she's saying.  I'll be pissed if after taking care of her all day every day while he's at work, she says daddy before mommy.  But that will be my punishment...my mom used to try like hell to get me to say mommy and I would just laugh and say daddy. 

Normally while I am getting her bath ready I put her in her crib naked so she can dance around and "air out".  Today I left her in her diaper and when I came in to get her for her bath, I found that she had a dirty diaper.  Oh my God, thank goodness I left her diaper on.  That would have been a nasty mess otherwise.  Or had she gone in the tub, ick!  We haven't used her baby tub in a month or more, it's just so much easier in the big tub, but since she can't sit on her own yet, I just get in the tub with her.  I'm thanking my lucky stars she didn't poop in the tub.  I like bathing with her but I'll be happy when she can sit on her own and I won't have to.  Once she can do that, I think we'll make bath night an every night thing as part of her bedtime routine.  Right now it's too much hassle to bathe her everynight.

For the past few months I had been using California Baby shampoo since it's really good for her cradle cap, and since it is shampoo and body wash I just washed her with it too.  But tonight I decided to use her Johnson and Johnson stuff.  Ahhh, she smelled like a baby again.  Maybe it's just me, but since she smelled like the soap, it felt like it got her cleaner than the unscented California Baby.  And her hair wasn't quite as fuzzy afterward. 

Earlier this evening we were doing sitting time and I gave her that toy, I'm not sure what it is called, it's got 5 animals that pop up when you push/twist/turn the right button.  She is now able to push the animals back down when I pop them up, and a couple times she did push the buttons to get them to pop, but I am not sure if that was more of a lucky accident.  I love watching her learn and do new things.  Oh, and she rolls onto her side to fall asleep now and she's just all over her crib. 

Sisters

I just want to write about this real quick before I forget.  Emily goes to bed around 7:30 or 8 and she gets a bottle right before.  Then I give her another bottle around midnight.  She normally dream feeds, or she's partially awake during but goes back to sleep easily right after.  When I put her back in her crib, even though she's asleep she does a lot of fidgeting to get comfortable again.  I usually stand there and watch her for a few minutes because she is so beautiful when she's sleeping....well, she's always beautiful, but especially when sleeping, so looks so peaceful.  It's also funny to watch her wiggle around; she pulls her legs up and slams them back down on the mattress, she shakes her head back and forth, she stretches and rubs her eyes, it's so funny and cute.

As I'm standing there watching her, it dawned on me how much she looked like Kayla just then.  Both girls look like me, and I've always thought since the first time I saw her that they shared many of the same features, but in that moment, it was like I was looking at Kayla.  Can someone's heart actually burst from loving so much?

October 15th

For those that don't know, today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.  The time has already passed in my time zone, but everyone is invited to light a candle from 7am to 8pm in your time zone to remember all of the babies who have left this world too soon.  My candle is still burning.  Today I remember all of my friends who have angels in heaven, especially our angel Kayla Kathryn, and our little baby B.  Mommy loves you!

I wanted to go see Kayla today but I didn't get time.  Emily and I have to go run some errands tomorrow, maybe we can stop and visit.  Em and I finally got out today for a walk, we've been stuck inside for the last two days because of rain.  I love that I have a gym in the basement, but too many days down there and I go nuts.  With the exception of unseasonably warm days and days we go mall-walking, we'll be stuck in the basement all winter so I am trying to stay outside for as long as I possibly can.

Em has had a big week, just in the last few days she has gotten much better at holding her bottle and sitting up.  She's still not great, but it is mostly due to laziness.  Why hold the bottle and feed herself when I will do it for her?  But when she does do it, she holds it perfectly fine.  She's doing well enough to be able to mostly feed herself in her carseat on walks and in stores, which is a huge help to me.  I hate having to stand in the middle of a store, not getting any shopping done to feed her.

She's been sitting up like a big girl too.  She does really good sitting straight up and leaning forward slightly.  If she sways to either side a little she can correct herself but any more than that and over she goes.  But I think we'll be sitting on our own very soon, and that makes mommy so happy.  Oh and she can also ride in the big kid part of the grocery cart now.  This makes trips to the store soooo much nicer.  She can sit in the cart pretty well and thanks to the little belt on the cart, it does the rest of the job.  I love love love not having to haul the carseat into stores and try to figure out where to put stuff because the carseat is taking up all the room.

I've been doing some crafty projects lately when I get time here and there.  One of them is making yarn balls.  My SIL got me a decorative bowl from Ikea last Christmas, but I had nothing to put in it.  It killed me to pay $10+ for decorative balls to sit there and do nothing, so I am making them.  I got some yarn from Michaels, one is dark brown, one is tan and the other is a mix of dark brown, tan, and white.  So far I've made 4; I think 2 more and my centerpiece will be complete.  I'm also making a big picture frame out of an old room divider.   I can't wait until Emily is old enough to do arts and crafts.  Just to be prepared, I've already starting pinning stuff we can do.

Anniversary Plans

Our fourth wedding anniversary is in a couple weeks, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for it.  Last year we went to Vegas, so no big trips this year.  In Vegas we went to a Boys II Men concert at The Mirage, and they were really good.  Sounded great, but I was a little dissapointed my fat pregnant ass couldn't fight through the crowd of women to get a rose they were handing out as they were walking down the aisles singing I'll make love to you.

So Ryan found out they are coming to Motor City Casino Detroit toward the end of November so we decided to go see them again, and maybe this time I can fight for a rose.  I think I have been to Motor City once, but it was years ago and it was a very short visit, my friend and I played $20 in quarters on the slots and left.  So since this is our anniversary outing, I suggested we get a room and take a night off from parenting.

Then I realized that of course requires an overnight away from Emily.  I said I wouldn't be ready for that until she was past a year old and out of the SIDS danger zone.  But she'll be 8 months by then, and I really want to go.  I realized we can have our babysitters come stay the night at our house, so she can stick to her routine, sleep in her own crib, they'll have access to the video monitor....that makes me feel a lot better.  The idea of her sleeping at someone else's house overnight gives me anxiety.

So we plan to ask Ryan's parents.  I feel bad that they are my first choice over my dad, but they are easier to plan on.  My dad and my stepmom don't live together, and as of now she still works (she's retiring in December) so if she's working that night or the next morning only my dad could come.  I feel better about two people being there so if she does wake in the middle of the night, which she probably will since we'll be gone, I'll feel better if there are two people to hear her cries.  Grandparents just aren't used to getting up in the middle of the night for babies so I would worry my dad would sleep through it.

My inlaws both have weekends off so it's not an issue for them both to come.  Plus, if my dad and stepmom could come, they'd have to bring her daughter too and we don't have an extra bed for her.  She could sleep on the couch I suppose, but it's just easier to have my inlaws do it.  Being my dad, I could maybe see him whine about having to come here, thinking I am silly for requesting that, but being the daughter-in-law, my inlaws will do just about anything I ask because they don't want to step on toes.  Plus, I'm sorry to all you guys out there, but moms just seem to understand this stuff better.  I can see why my dad wouldn't think it is necessary, but my MIL would completely understand why I want them to come here.

I am not as excited about the prospect of spending the night without her since Emily is such an easy baby and I don't really have to get up with her that much, but I am so excited about the prospect of getting drunk.  Unless I am mistaken, I have not been drunk since my bachelorette party.  Obviously Ryan and I can't drink with the intent to get drunk when we're home with her, and it is no fun for just one of us to drink.  I just hope my 35 year old self can handle being "fall on the floor" drunk again.

I was looking at pics of the hotel, the rooms are beautiful and the view of the city at night looks amazing.  It's sad though that much of Detroit is only pretty from a distance.  So the plan will probably be to get there around check in time, eat dinner, gamble for a bit and then go to the concert.  Afterward we can hit a bar and get our drink on.  I hope we have fun and I don't spend the night worried about Emily, but so far I am really excited, too bad it's still over a month away though.

A little of this and that

I just watched the most heartbreaking video.  I should have known, but I watched it anyway.  This couple's baby was diagnosed with Trisomy 13 but they decided not to terminate and carry him to term, knowing if he made it through birth he may only live hours or days.  They showed some of the delivery, and holding him in the hospital.  After a couple days they got to take him home.  He had a cleft palet, but he was the cutest little thing.  They had several episodes where he stopped breathing but he came back, but after 5 days at home they woke up and found that he has passed.  I was bawling while watching it.

I know it must have been the greatest gift to get to spend those 5 days with him, but also the worst pain to know their time was limited, knowing they would have to say goodbye soon.  It absolutely broke my heart.  I am not feeling the baby fever as strong, especially after watching that.  I'm so terrified of going through heartache again, I just don't know if it is worth the risk.  We have our love, we have our precious rainbow, maybe we should quit while we're ahead.  It's not even so much the IC worry, though of course that will always be somewhat of a concern.  But in the time I've spent in support groups and talking to other loss moms, I've just gotten all of this scary information and I worry about not just what could go wrong due to my history, but all of the other things that could go wrong.

Plus, I am already high risk due to my history of preterm labor and IC, and GD, but if there is a next time I'll also be AMA.  Risking the pain to get one earth baby was worth it, but I am not sure the joy of having two earth babies is worth possibly going down that road again.  Even an early loss would stop me in my tracks, I just can't do it.  I think what worries me the most is, what if come March I still haven't made up my mind?  Once we do decide to be done, I'll want some kind of permanent birth control done.  Ryan and I agreed that if we have another, then I will have my tubes tied since I'll be having another C section anyway, but if we're one and done, then it's up to him.

So I worry that I won't come to that point where I know for sure if we want another or not, and if we decide we're done and not super 100% confident in that decision, it will be very scary to have a permanent solution completed.  I hate making decisions.

Ok, new subject.  A couple weeks ago me and Emily and my SIL went to GreenField Village.  We walked around the village, got something to eat and then took Emily on the carousel.  I was going to just sit on one of the benches but the lady said I could put her on an animal as long as I held on to her.  So we chose one that didn't move.  She was so cute, as soon as I put her on she held into the pole like a big girl.  She seemed to enjoy the ride and her hair was blowing in the breeze, lol.  She cried when the ride was over, I can only assume because she wanted to keep going.  I think next summer we'll get a membership.

So then we went in the playground area and put her on the swings and she loved them again.  I tried to go down a slide with her but it was really low to the ground so it was kind of awkward.  Then we went on the train and rode around the village.  She seemed to like looking at all the scenery as we went by.  What a fun day.

In other news, an extensive search has been done, but Miss Monkey is missing.  Emily loves Miss Monkey but thankfully she is too young to really know she is missing, she just knows she loves her when I give her to her.  I've looked everywhere, under the couch, in piles of clothes, both vehicles, I've asked people if we left her at their house, and nothing.  I'm beginning to think maybe she tossed her out of the stroller one day somewhere, or maybe I put her in the cart with her and didn't notice it and it fell out when I took the cart cover out.  Just the other day we were out shopping with Amanda and she found her elephant Kiki laying on the floor in one of the stores, so that's probably what happened to Miss Monkey.  So, not the end of the world but I am sad.  It was the first thing I ever bought for her when I was pregnant with her.  It was a little monkey holding a pink blanket and it said I Adore Mommy.  She always smiled and held her arms out when I gave it to her and she usually napped with it.  I got it from Target so I may have to get over my sentimental sadness and buy her another one.  Hopefully they still have them.

6 months

My little peanut turned six months on Friday.  I can't believe how big she's getting.  I was buying her some 9 month jammies today and I picked up a newborn one and I just couldn't believe she used to fit in that size.  We've upped her bottles to 8 ounces now and I'm going to cut out her midnight bottle.  She doesn't seem to sleep any different with or without it, but without it completely she wouldn't get enough ounces, and the one time I skipped her midnight bottle for two nights she got constipated.  So hopefully just adding a few ounces to each bottle during the day and evening will work.  Plus this way if I want to go to bed earlier, I don't have to wait for her feeding.

I just started putting her in overnight diapers too so most of the time she makes it through the night just fine and stays dry.  Since her first food last week she's since had sweet potato, carrots, and banana.  We went up north this weekend and I forgot to take her homemade food so we bought some Gerber Bananas and she had that Friday night.  The next morning she had a bad rash on her bum and I wonder if it was from the jar bananas.  Would she get it only on her bum if it was from the food?  My book said it would be an impressive rash.  She's gotten diapers rashes before and she did have a poopy diaper that morning so maybe she just sat in it too long before she woke me up, but it was kind of blistery and it's never looked like that.

I plan to make most of her food except for having some jars on hand for emergencies, so maybe I'll stick with the Beechnut which she's already had and avoid Gerber just in case.  We see our new doctor tomorrow, I'm kind of nervous, I hope we like her.  I am not looking forward to her having her shots again.  Though as much as I hate to see her cry, I have to admit, she is so darn cute when she cries.  It breaks my heart but at the same time I can't help but think she's so adorable.  Lately she seems to be hurting herself and therefore crying a lot more.  But it's likely just because she's more mobile and has more opportunity to get hurt.  Today I had her sitting on the floor between my legs and I wasn't paying attention for a minute and she fell forward onto her face.  Ooops.  And then she fell asleep on me on the couch tonight so I went in to put her in her crib, she rolled in my arms and whacked her head on the bars.  And the other night my dad carried her sleeping from his place out to our camper and put her down in her pack 'n play but he bent over too far and his phone fell out of his shirt pocket and bonked her on the head.  Poor baby.

My first instinct is always to comfort her, which I do for a few seconds, but then I try to make her laugh and smile and forget about it.  I want a strong girl, I don't want her to fall to pieces every time she gets hurt.  It's hard though, I hate to see my baby in pain. 

We went to my cousin's wedding on Saturday and at the reception we were sitting by another cousin and his wife and their daughter just loved Emily.  She kept hugging her all night and she'd put her hands on her face and Emmy would laugh and smile.  Sooo adorable.  Lindsay will be 3 in January so I love that she's only two years older and they'll likely be friends as they get older.  Ryan gets along with her dad, my cousin Brian really well and we almost always hang out with him and his wife Connie when we're up there, so it'll be cool if our kids our friends too.  They're expecting another girl in January.  Yay girls! 

I would really like a boy someday, but I have to say, if we got another girl I wouldn't be heartbroken at all.  Speaking of, I've had a little bit of baby fever lately.  Not sure if it's because I am really ready for another, or if it's just all the baby news lately.  Our friends had a baby in June, my cousin and his wife had a baby a few weeks ago, a friend just announced they're due with their fourth in March and said cousin above is due with their second in January.  I have a lot of reasons to be scared and hesitant, but lately my desire for another has been kind of outweighing that.

But I decided I won't make a decision until at least when Emily turns one.  But lately I have been kind of missing being pregnant.  I would have to say right now if I was leaning one way or the other, it would be more toward having another.  After having one successful pregnancy since Kayla it does make things a little bit easier.  But at the same time, March isn't that far away.  Am I ready?  I'd like to lose more weight first, it would be nice to not have GD this time if I can help it.  I said I would go on the pill until January and give my body a little time to regulate and then maybe start trying again, but wow, it's almost October already.  Am I ready to go off from it in January?  Such decisions.  But it really is true, you forget about all of the pain and stress of pregnancy.  But at least next time I can skip all of that 32 hours of labor bullshit, just schedule the repeat Csection, go in at 6am and have a baby at 8am.  And, I will admit, I've already thought about how we would tell our family.  I'd put Emily in a big sister shirt and see how long it takes people to figure it out.  Well, I've got six months, maybe by then I'll have a better idea of what I want to do.

I took Emily for her six month pictures on Friday.  We went to a new studio, a place my friend takes her boys.  I really liked them too, very nice and we ended up with great pictures.  We also got to take them home the same day which was awesome.  Only problem is I ended up ordering way too much, so I've been hounding people to take a lot.  In December we'll get family pictures taken in addition to Emily's 9 month pics.  I'm so excited to get a nice family picture taken.  Ryan is going to wear a navy blue Polo sweater, I'm going to wear a white shirt and I found the cutest navy and white casual dress for Emmy.  Then I'll have her christmas pics taken in a cute little dress. 

So here are some pics, Emily with her second cousin Lindsay and one of her six month pics with Kayla Bear.