Obviously our next pregnancy will be different from this last one. We won't be doing the excited 12 week announcement, we likely won't say anything on facebook until he or she is here....at the very least we'll wait until like 30 weeks when we're well passed our loss milestone.
But it never occured to me that we can still have fun with our next pregnancy. Like mourning practices in the Victorian Era when people were supposed to behave and dress a certain way to express their grief for a period of time, I kind of felt like we cannot be happy during our next pregnancy because if we are too happy it could be taken away. We can't be too excited because we know too well what can happen. We can't do the big announcements, we can't even really talk about it.
Last time I left Ryan a note on the table saying "second time's a charm"? and the U of M baby booties. For next time I had basically just planned on saying, we're pregnant, cause you know we don't dare get excited. But I asked him tonight, when I find out next time, do you still not want to know via phone? I mean, before I would never have even considered telling him the news over the phone if he wasn't home, but since next time will be low key, I figured maybe it would be ok. But he said no, no phone call and no text. He said why don't you do something fun like last time.
I can honestly say it never occurred to me because of this silly notion that next time we have to be stoic and reserved. Of course we'll be nervous, and the closer I get to 22 weeks the more insane with fear I will get. But when we get pregnant again, that baby deserves to be wanted and loved. That baby deserves to have excited parents who can't wait for them to get here and enjoy the pregnancy as much as they can. It's like I realized today, there are no rules, we make the rules. Our feelings will likely be conflicted, but just because we'll be excited about a new baby doesn't mean we love Kayla any less. She'll always be our first born.
So I was thinking of cute ways to tell him next time. I've only come up with two ideas. The first idea is to give him his Father's Day card early if it happens soon. He wrote in my card as if it were from Kayla, so I planned to do the same....but I could also include the pregnancy in it. Somehow write it so she's telling him that she has a brother or sister on the way. My second idea was to copy cat how he proposed to me. He wrapped my ring box in a bigger box, wrapped that one in an even bigger box and then wrapped that one in a big big box. So I could do that, and inside the last box would be the pee stick.
We were also thinking....last time we found out the sex at the ultrasound. But maybe this next time, we could have them write it down in an envelope, and then go someplace nice and open it together. I don't know, just tossing around ideas, but it's very liberating to realize it's up to us. We don't have to do things exactly the same way we did before, and we can be happy when we need to be.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Hmm, maybe
I am bored today, some of our reports are delayed so there isn't much work to do, so I decided to play around with my chart. My temp went up a little today, but not much....but if I put in dummy temps through Monday, and if they go up some and stay up, FF will give my CHs back for CD18 which is when I think I Od.
I'm trying not to get too excited, I still have four more days of temps to get through but I was very confident that I did O. It's looking like that one temp dip is what is throwing it all off. I have to remind myself that it's about the overall pattern, not one individual temp. Regardless, I still plan to test on Tuesday, which may be 9DPO, or it could just be some random day if I didn't O. I don't have super high hopes that I am pregnant....I am not sure why. The last two times I was quite certain I was, so it's like I was thinking when I get the BFP, not if. This time I am not as confident. I have no idea if my feelings were indeed accurate, or it was just a coincidence. Then again, I think I would be more hopeful if I know for sure that I did O.
I'm trying not to get too excited, I still have four more days of temps to get through but I was very confident that I did O. It's looking like that one temp dip is what is throwing it all off. I have to remind myself that it's about the overall pattern, not one individual temp. Regardless, I still plan to test on Tuesday, which may be 9DPO, or it could just be some random day if I didn't O. I don't have super high hopes that I am pregnant....I am not sure why. The last two times I was quite certain I was, so it's like I was thinking when I get the BFP, not if. This time I am not as confident. I have no idea if my feelings were indeed accurate, or it was just a coincidence. Then again, I think I would be more hopeful if I know for sure that I did O.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Cold feet?
My temp dropped this morning, so no CHs :( I am so irritated, I was really excited to wake up this morning and see Chs.
I know I sound like a complete newb, but I am still convinced that I did O. I know I've only got two other instances to compare it to, but just like the last times my surge lasted about two days, just like last time I had O pains (I can't remember if I felt them with my first BFP) and just like last time my temp spiked the day after. But no matter what I do with dummy temps, it won't give me CHs for CD18 or 19.
My only thought is, the last few nights we didn't have the fan on, or when we did have it on it wasn't blowing right on us. Last night I had the fan mostly on me, and I even remember pulling the blankets on at some point early this morning because my feet and legs felt like ice. Maybe this could have given me an inaccurate lower temp?
I know it's a waiting game, I'll either get a BFP or my period next week, or I won't because I didn't O. I guess I'll go back to testing with OPKs in case I didn't O and I surge again. Blah, I knew this was going too well.
I'm also fighting with the cemetery about the grave stone. After we finally got our proof and made the changes, another three weeks went by with no word. So I called yesterday, so the lady called the manufacturer and said she had the proof so she emailed it to me. It was the same damn proof as the original, they made no changes to it! So she's submitting it once again. I don't understand what the problem is. It's been over 8 weeks since we ordered it. According to their original timeline it should be in the ground by now, but instead we don't even have the correct proof yet.
I really really want it done by the time we have the balloon release on my due date. I'm going to have to have my husband call and crack some heads. He's really pissed off about it. I usually handle these types of calls, but he's really mad and he doesn't take any crap when it comes to his baby girl.
Here is the link to my chart if anyone feels like taking a look.
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/355234
I know I sound like a complete newb, but I am still convinced that I did O. I know I've only got two other instances to compare it to, but just like the last times my surge lasted about two days, just like last time I had O pains (I can't remember if I felt them with my first BFP) and just like last time my temp spiked the day after. But no matter what I do with dummy temps, it won't give me CHs for CD18 or 19.
My only thought is, the last few nights we didn't have the fan on, or when we did have it on it wasn't blowing right on us. Last night I had the fan mostly on me, and I even remember pulling the blankets on at some point early this morning because my feet and legs felt like ice. Maybe this could have given me an inaccurate lower temp?
I know it's a waiting game, I'll either get a BFP or my period next week, or I won't because I didn't O. I guess I'll go back to testing with OPKs in case I didn't O and I surge again. Blah, I knew this was going too well.
I'm also fighting with the cemetery about the grave stone. After we finally got our proof and made the changes, another three weeks went by with no word. So I called yesterday, so the lady called the manufacturer and said she had the proof so she emailed it to me. It was the same damn proof as the original, they made no changes to it! So she's submitting it once again. I don't understand what the problem is. It's been over 8 weeks since we ordered it. According to their original timeline it should be in the ground by now, but instead we don't even have the correct proof yet.
I really really want it done by the time we have the balloon release on my due date. I'm going to have to have my husband call and crack some heads. He's really pissed off about it. I usually handle these types of calls, but he's really mad and he doesn't take any crap when it comes to his baby girl.
Here is the link to my chart if anyone feels like taking a look.
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/355234
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Stuff
Amanda and I went to lunch on Saturday with her boys and then we went to the cemetery to see Kayla's grave. The grass is starting to come in over her grave, as well as around it since she's right under a tree so the grass comes in later in the shade. I didn't know what she had told her son, he is 3.5 so I wasn't sure if he would understand where we were or have questions, but of course he did. He kept asking who Kayla was and where was she. I didn't say anything because it's not my place to explain death to him, and I think Amanda was hesitant to in front of me in case it upset me, or he had more questions. Hopefully she was able to figure out what to tell him once they got home. I guess she figured he is young enough that he wouldn't ask.
I was talking to my SIL about it and of course she had told my niece and nephew what happened. She said she overheard my niece playing in her dollhouse not long after (she's four) and she had one of the dolls ask where the baby was and the other doll replied that the baby had passed away. Aww...that's exactly what I would have done as a kid too, I always played eveything that happened in real life.
We went to Brenda's for a bbq yesterday and I saw her daughter Rhonda for the first time since before Kayla passed. I was a little nervous to see her....Rhonda has cerebral palsy, she is 40 but basically had the mindset of a 7 year old. So she often says things that are a little innappropriate and she says them loudly, so I was nervous to see her, not sure of what she would say. But she came up to me last night and quietly said, I'm so sorry you lost your baby and she gave me a hug. I was so touched, it was one of the nicest condolences I've gotten from anyone.
I was talking to my SIL about it and of course she had told my niece and nephew what happened. She said she overheard my niece playing in her dollhouse not long after (she's four) and she had one of the dolls ask where the baby was and the other doll replied that the baby had passed away. Aww...that's exactly what I would have done as a kid too, I always played eveything that happened in real life.
We went to Brenda's for a bbq yesterday and I saw her daughter Rhonda for the first time since before Kayla passed. I was a little nervous to see her....Rhonda has cerebral palsy, she is 40 but basically had the mindset of a 7 year old. So she often says things that are a little innappropriate and she says them loudly, so I was nervous to see her, not sure of what she would say. But she came up to me last night and quietly said, I'm so sorry you lost your baby and she gave me a hug. I was so touched, it was one of the nicest condolences I've gotten from anyone.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Good day
Today marks two months since our little girl was born sleeping, but I am in a very good mood today. In fact, this is the first time in the last two months I can say I am in a good mood. I've had good moments, I've had times where I didn't feel as bad. But today is a really good day. The sun is shining, I was singing along with the radio on my drive in to work, it's Friday, it's a three day weekend, and I got a positive OPK this morning. I am elated!
I'll get back to that in a minute. Even despite my other reasons to be happy, in a weird way the 24th of each month doesn't represent as much heartbreak for me as the other days do, because that is the day my precious angel was born. That is the day I held her in my arms, and stared at her beautiful face. That was the day she was mine, and I had her with me here on earth. It was a day full of tears, but we had all of our close friends and family surrounding us, celebrating our baby girl.
The day before when we found out we would likely lose her was hell; saying goodbye and watching her being taken away the next day was hell; saying goodbye a final time and watching her be buried was hell, as was most days since then. But the 24th represents her, and holding her.
So I've been getting what were very close to positive OPKs for the last couple days, along with EWCM, or at least I think it was. I still have a very hard time identifying that sometimes. I even got false hope yesterday when my wondfo looked very close to positive so I tried a digi and it said positive. I was leary though, because when I first dipped it, the stick symbol never started flashing. So after ten minutes I dipped that same stick again (I know I know), the symbol started flashing and after five minutes it showed the smiley face. Even with my inept ability to discern a positive wondfo, I was pretty sure that was still negative so I tried another digi....negative. Just to split the difference, and because I apparently enjoy wasting sticks, I tried another, negative.
This morning I didn't have much hope since they often say FMU isn't a good time to try an OPK, but I have a ton of them and I do not want to miss my surge. It looked pretty close, but by the time the timer went off, I was pretty sure it might be positive. I tried a digi and it was positive! I was pretty confident in these results, but given last night's shenanagans I tried one more and this one told me positive before the 5 minutes was even up.
I forget who told me this (sorry, I really do cherish all comments and input but my mind hasn't been up to par recently) but I was told you'll know you're ready to try again when your excitement outweighs your fear. The fear will always be there, but right now I am very eager and excited. It's even more exciting to know my body is doing this on its own. I just started back on my metformin a week ago and I am still only on 500 mg a day, not the 1500 I was on that made me O last time. I know I haven't actually Od yet, and a positive OPK doesn't mean I will....but so far both times before when I had positives, I did O, so I'm pretty confident I will.
I find it odd though that my positive came on a Friday, just like the other two times. Doesn't my body know there are six other days in the week? I tend to be very supersticious and I have a mind for dates and times and notice patterns like these. Years ago when I was going through a bad break up, it seemed like most days I would just happen to look at the clock at 1:23 or 1:43, which meant I miss you and I love you for pager codes (yeah I just dated myself, that was back in the day of pagers). So naturally I took it as a sign that my ex still missed me and loved me. It's ok, you can laugh...despite my supersticians and belief in signs, I even cringe at how ridiculous that was.
I need to slow down, I haven't even O'd yet and in my head I am already pregnant. But I'm just so happy that my body might be working on its own again.
I'll get back to that in a minute. Even despite my other reasons to be happy, in a weird way the 24th of each month doesn't represent as much heartbreak for me as the other days do, because that is the day my precious angel was born. That is the day I held her in my arms, and stared at her beautiful face. That was the day she was mine, and I had her with me here on earth. It was a day full of tears, but we had all of our close friends and family surrounding us, celebrating our baby girl.
The day before when we found out we would likely lose her was hell; saying goodbye and watching her being taken away the next day was hell; saying goodbye a final time and watching her be buried was hell, as was most days since then. But the 24th represents her, and holding her.
So I've been getting what were very close to positive OPKs for the last couple days, along with EWCM, or at least I think it was. I still have a very hard time identifying that sometimes. I even got false hope yesterday when my wondfo looked very close to positive so I tried a digi and it said positive. I was leary though, because when I first dipped it, the stick symbol never started flashing. So after ten minutes I dipped that same stick again (I know I know), the symbol started flashing and after five minutes it showed the smiley face. Even with my inept ability to discern a positive wondfo, I was pretty sure that was still negative so I tried another digi....negative. Just to split the difference, and because I apparently enjoy wasting sticks, I tried another, negative.
This morning I didn't have much hope since they often say FMU isn't a good time to try an OPK, but I have a ton of them and I do not want to miss my surge. It looked pretty close, but by the time the timer went off, I was pretty sure it might be positive. I tried a digi and it was positive! I was pretty confident in these results, but given last night's shenanagans I tried one more and this one told me positive before the 5 minutes was even up.
I forget who told me this (sorry, I really do cherish all comments and input but my mind hasn't been up to par recently) but I was told you'll know you're ready to try again when your excitement outweighs your fear. The fear will always be there, but right now I am very eager and excited. It's even more exciting to know my body is doing this on its own. I just started back on my metformin a week ago and I am still only on 500 mg a day, not the 1500 I was on that made me O last time. I know I haven't actually Od yet, and a positive OPK doesn't mean I will....but so far both times before when I had positives, I did O, so I'm pretty confident I will.
I find it odd though that my positive came on a Friday, just like the other two times. Doesn't my body know there are six other days in the week? I tend to be very supersticious and I have a mind for dates and times and notice patterns like these. Years ago when I was going through a bad break up, it seemed like most days I would just happen to look at the clock at 1:23 or 1:43, which meant I miss you and I love you for pager codes (yeah I just dated myself, that was back in the day of pagers). So naturally I took it as a sign that my ex still missed me and loved me. It's ok, you can laugh...despite my supersticians and belief in signs, I even cringe at how ridiculous that was.
I need to slow down, I haven't even O'd yet and in my head I am already pregnant. But I'm just so happy that my body might be working on its own again.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Really?
Why can't I catch a break? Why, in addition to emotional stuff going on, do I also have to suffer physical stuff? I've said how I am grinding my teeth at night, which results in a jaw I cannot open all the way and have to go see a TMJ specialist next month. I suspect that is also why I always have just a touch of a headache, and at the base of my neck I always kind of feel this ache as though my head is too heavy to hold up.
A few weeks ago I threw up while I was out riding my bike, and this morning I had only been at work for 10 minutes when I felt incredibly nauseas and went to the bathroom to throw up. I am quite sure my throwing up a few weeks ago was nerves about going back to work the next day, but what the hell is this? Stress still I am sure, but what triggered it? Seems odd that when under long term stress, you can just vomit at any time.
Of course pregnancy crossed my mind, but the timing isn't quite right. Of course possible, that's why they warn even sex on your period can result in pregnancy if you happen to O very soon after. But that kind of thing doesn't happen to people trying to get pregnant. That only happens to teenagers in the backseat of a car. Kidding of course, but I doubt I have that kind of luck. I'll take a test when I get home just to rule it out, but I am thinking there is a better chance of coming home to find my cats doing the dishes.
So I went to my therapist last night. I love him, have I said that before? He's awesome. He gave me this great analogy that was just so liberating. I was saying how I am envious of pregnant women who can live in blissful ignorance, who can be happy in their pregnancy without worrying every second that something will go wrong. I mean, I am sure most women worry, but before I started posting on the bump, I never knew how common miscarriage was and therefore likely wouldn't have worried as much as I do with that knowledge.
Bernie completely understood, he wasn't trying to dismiss my fear, but he said sometimes you just need blind faith. For instance, driving to my appointment. He said there could have been a nut in traffic with a gun, or that would cause an accident, but I probably drove to my appointment not even thinking of that. And that's so true. I ran a few errands, and happily jammed to my Nsync station on Pandora. Accidents are very common, the news reports them all the time, but most days as long as road conditions are good, the fear of getting in an accident never crosses my mind. I've always been of the opinion that a million bad things can happen and if you fear them all the time, you'll never live a good life.
I know it's easier said than done, but in a weird way I felt like that almost gave me a pass to let go of some of the fear. There are a million things in life that can go wrong, and living in fear doesn't keep them from happening or cause them. I kind of feel like if I am too happy over a new pregnancy, or too content, then the happiness police will take it away from me. But thinking of it in that way kind of gave me permission to be happy, at least some of the time. I'll have to tell him at my next appointment how very wise he is.
A few weeks ago I threw up while I was out riding my bike, and this morning I had only been at work for 10 minutes when I felt incredibly nauseas and went to the bathroom to throw up. I am quite sure my throwing up a few weeks ago was nerves about going back to work the next day, but what the hell is this? Stress still I am sure, but what triggered it? Seems odd that when under long term stress, you can just vomit at any time.
Of course pregnancy crossed my mind, but the timing isn't quite right. Of course possible, that's why they warn even sex on your period can result in pregnancy if you happen to O very soon after. But that kind of thing doesn't happen to people trying to get pregnant. That only happens to teenagers in the backseat of a car. Kidding of course, but I doubt I have that kind of luck. I'll take a test when I get home just to rule it out, but I am thinking there is a better chance of coming home to find my cats doing the dishes.
So I went to my therapist last night. I love him, have I said that before? He's awesome. He gave me this great analogy that was just so liberating. I was saying how I am envious of pregnant women who can live in blissful ignorance, who can be happy in their pregnancy without worrying every second that something will go wrong. I mean, I am sure most women worry, but before I started posting on the bump, I never knew how common miscarriage was and therefore likely wouldn't have worried as much as I do with that knowledge.
Bernie completely understood, he wasn't trying to dismiss my fear, but he said sometimes you just need blind faith. For instance, driving to my appointment. He said there could have been a nut in traffic with a gun, or that would cause an accident, but I probably drove to my appointment not even thinking of that. And that's so true. I ran a few errands, and happily jammed to my Nsync station on Pandora. Accidents are very common, the news reports them all the time, but most days as long as road conditions are good, the fear of getting in an accident never crosses my mind. I've always been of the opinion that a million bad things can happen and if you fear them all the time, you'll never live a good life.
I know it's easier said than done, but in a weird way I felt like that almost gave me a pass to let go of some of the fear. There are a million things in life that can go wrong, and living in fear doesn't keep them from happening or cause them. I kind of feel like if I am too happy over a new pregnancy, or too content, then the happiness police will take it away from me. But thinking of it in that way kind of gave me permission to be happy, at least some of the time. I'll have to tell him at my next appointment how very wise he is.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Double edge sword
Ryan and I went up north for my dad's surprise retirement party this past weekend. It was fun, he was totally surprised. We had a good turn out and the pig roast was awesome. We had fun with my cousins, went go-carting and set off awesome fireworks and had smores and a bon fire. At some point through out the weekend we felt normal again, we felt happy.
But it was also sad. My dad has 11 brothers and sisters and I have almost 30 cousins. Not all of them were there of course, but needless to say, I have a huge family. But not one of them said one word about Kayla or our loss. On the one hand I completely understand, I doubt I would have been brave enough to say anything either if I were in their shoes. Maybe they thought I wanted a weekend of not being reminded of the pain, maybe they didn't know what to say and were afraid of upsetting us more. But when it hasn't even been two months since we lost her, it hurt to not have one single person at least ask how we were doing.
Nobody said anything about our tattoos either. My aunt Sue is very anti-tattoo and had they been anything but a memorial tattoo, she would have been all over that gasping about the fact that I now have three and Ryan's is pretty big and very visible. But not one word, so that's just more proof they were avoiding it like the plague.
Like I said, I get it, I do. But it still hurts. On June 15th two of my cousins are having their grad party and another one is having her bridal shower, so people were asking us if we're coming up for that. I hadn't planned on it, June 15th was supposed to be my baby shower. Ryan wants to go, he thinks it would be good for us. I don't know....on the one hand I want to go, it sounds like fun and it was nice to see my family again, but I just don't know if I am going to be up to putting on a happy face that day and pretending everything is ok.
If we stay home, I'll do something with my best friend, and I don't have to pretend for her. I can be sad in front of her and she'll understand. I just don't know if I want to be far from home, surrounded by everyone being happy that they are graduating high school or getting married soon, all the while knowing I should be at my baby shower right then, huge and excited to be meeting my baby girl soon.
I started testing Friday night but they've all been negative. I am starting to get a little down since I was hoping my body is back on track and I would O on CD14. But, it could still be coming. Plenty of people have what is considered a regular cycle and not O until as late as CD20. Last time I didn't O until CD34. But I am praying along with actually Oing, that it comes relatively on time or earlier than CD34. The more days that go by, the harder it's going to be to stay positive.
But it was also sad. My dad has 11 brothers and sisters and I have almost 30 cousins. Not all of them were there of course, but needless to say, I have a huge family. But not one of them said one word about Kayla or our loss. On the one hand I completely understand, I doubt I would have been brave enough to say anything either if I were in their shoes. Maybe they thought I wanted a weekend of not being reminded of the pain, maybe they didn't know what to say and were afraid of upsetting us more. But when it hasn't even been two months since we lost her, it hurt to not have one single person at least ask how we were doing.
Nobody said anything about our tattoos either. My aunt Sue is very anti-tattoo and had they been anything but a memorial tattoo, she would have been all over that gasping about the fact that I now have three and Ryan's is pretty big and very visible. But not one word, so that's just more proof they were avoiding it like the plague.
Like I said, I get it, I do. But it still hurts. On June 15th two of my cousins are having their grad party and another one is having her bridal shower, so people were asking us if we're coming up for that. I hadn't planned on it, June 15th was supposed to be my baby shower. Ryan wants to go, he thinks it would be good for us. I don't know....on the one hand I want to go, it sounds like fun and it was nice to see my family again, but I just don't know if I am going to be up to putting on a happy face that day and pretending everything is ok.
If we stay home, I'll do something with my best friend, and I don't have to pretend for her. I can be sad in front of her and she'll understand. I just don't know if I want to be far from home, surrounded by everyone being happy that they are graduating high school or getting married soon, all the while knowing I should be at my baby shower right then, huge and excited to be meeting my baby girl soon.
I started testing Friday night but they've all been negative. I am starting to get a little down since I was hoping my body is back on track and I would O on CD14. But, it could still be coming. Plenty of people have what is considered a regular cycle and not O until as late as CD20. Last time I didn't O until CD34. But I am praying along with actually Oing, that it comes relatively on time or earlier than CD34. The more days that go by, the harder it's going to be to stay positive.
Friday, May 17, 2013
TGIF
It's Friday! It seems to be getting a little easier each day to go to work. Though we'll see how next week goes, I am supposed to be learning a new job. I am in no mood to learn new stuff right now and expect my brain to perform, but maybe I'll like it.
I can finally feel my fingers again. They got a lot better in the couple weeks after delivery, but they were still tingly and mostly numb at my 3 week PP appointment and she said they should be back to normal by then so I made an appointment with a hand specialist. The appt isn't for another 2 weeks but since the feeling is completely back now, I canceled it. My dad thinks I should still go and have the EMG done to find out how bad it is....my hand is still falling asleep easily when I am sleeping and of course they get numb when I am riding my bike. But since I can feel them again during the day, I'll pass on the doctor. I'm tired of going to doctors, taking time off work to go (though that part isn't all bad, but I hate wasting sick time) and paying out the nose in co-pays, so since it is not vital that I go, I am not going to.
So today is CD9, if my body is back on track, I should O next week. Last night and today I've been having what I can only describe as lightning crotch. It's this sharp shooting pain that shoots across my bikini area I guess you would say. I had that pain a few weeks ago, which definitely isn't O pain...it's in the middle and lower than O pain, but the last time I had it, I had it for a few days on and off and I also remember feeling what felt like O pain as well.
So maybe since giving birth, this is my new normal. Maybe I'll have these lightning crotch pains proceeding O. They're not fun, but they certainly get my attention and might be a good signal that O is approaching. We're leaving to go up north tonight for my dad's surprise retirement party tomorrow. Will definitely be taking my OPKs in case I surge early. I really hope I am not getting my hopes up for no reason, but it feels good to be excited about something.
I've been in a pretty good mood today; I don't have a lot of work to do so my friends and I have been talking and laughing. Laughing is good, but at the same time it feels wrong. It's only been 8 weeks since we lost her, I feel like I should be very sad still. Don't get me wrong, behind every smile and laugh, I am still broken and I think about her all the time. But I guess feeling good sometimes is normal and necessary to survive this. It can't rain all the time, right?
I can finally feel my fingers again. They got a lot better in the couple weeks after delivery, but they were still tingly and mostly numb at my 3 week PP appointment and she said they should be back to normal by then so I made an appointment with a hand specialist. The appt isn't for another 2 weeks but since the feeling is completely back now, I canceled it. My dad thinks I should still go and have the EMG done to find out how bad it is....my hand is still falling asleep easily when I am sleeping and of course they get numb when I am riding my bike. But since I can feel them again during the day, I'll pass on the doctor. I'm tired of going to doctors, taking time off work to go (though that part isn't all bad, but I hate wasting sick time) and paying out the nose in co-pays, so since it is not vital that I go, I am not going to.
So today is CD9, if my body is back on track, I should O next week. Last night and today I've been having what I can only describe as lightning crotch. It's this sharp shooting pain that shoots across my bikini area I guess you would say. I had that pain a few weeks ago, which definitely isn't O pain...it's in the middle and lower than O pain, but the last time I had it, I had it for a few days on and off and I also remember feeling what felt like O pain as well.
So maybe since giving birth, this is my new normal. Maybe I'll have these lightning crotch pains proceeding O. They're not fun, but they certainly get my attention and might be a good signal that O is approaching. We're leaving to go up north tonight for my dad's surprise retirement party tomorrow. Will definitely be taking my OPKs in case I surge early. I really hope I am not getting my hopes up for no reason, but it feels good to be excited about something.
I've been in a pretty good mood today; I don't have a lot of work to do so my friends and I have been talking and laughing. Laughing is good, but at the same time it feels wrong. It's only been 8 weeks since we lost her, I feel like I should be very sad still. Don't get me wrong, behind every smile and laugh, I am still broken and I think about her all the time. But I guess feeling good sometimes is normal and necessary to survive this. It can't rain all the time, right?
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Good day
I finally had what I considered to be a pretty good day overall. I didn't feel too bad this morning going to work....I had a bit of a tired spell around 10 and felt a little light headed, but that passed. The best part was looking forward to leaving at three, even if it was to go to the doctor and have stuff shoved up my hooha. Sad when I would rather do that than be at work.
So I went to my RE today, everyone was so nice and said how sorry they were to hear about my loss. My doctor talked to me for a while, asked how it happened, how we are doing, etc. It's always nice to have a doctor that genuinely cares....it becomes so routine to them, and it's probably hard to not fall into the trap of looking at it from a medical standpoint rather than an emotional one. I wish all women in my position had wonderful doctors to take care of them.
So she said the basic plan is to get me back on Metformin, and she said we know that's how you got pregnant before so we'll continue with that plan. I asked her about the Zoloft, if I need to go off from it now or right when I get pregnant again. She said it's a category C, so once I am pregnant if I need to stay on it I can but I don't think I will want to. I had hoped to not be on it for very long, and I am going to be so anxious next time I really don't want to be on anything I don't absolutely have to be. Category C meds have shown an adverse affect in animal studies, and while they cannot say how it affects humans, they determine that the benefits of the drug outweighs any potential risks. I know for some people going off their antidepressants is not really an option, so the benefit outweighs the risk, but I don't think that is true for me. I'm still struggling with depression and grief even while on it, but a drug can only do so much. It can't erase my sadness that my baby died. My peace of mind of not being on it, despite any depression that might increase, is worth it so I don't have to have any additional worry.
After we talked she did an exam. So once I got bloodwork done, I was free. It's a beautiful day outside and I got home about 45 minutes early, so now I have time to relax some before I make dinner.
Mother's Day turned out to be ok. We slept in, and then Ryan gave me a card. He signed it himself, but he also wrote a message as if it was from Kayla. He wrote:
Mom,
I want to tell you I have been passed from person to person, into their welcoming arms with love. Most importantly I have never left grandma's sight and she holds me extra tight when I am placed in her arms. I love you, Kayla.
It made me cry. So we sat around for a bit and then we got lunch, and went to Kayla's grave. I wanted to have a picnic there but it was too chilly so we'll have to do it another day. Then we went to my inlaws and I gave my MIL her gift, which is a garden stone that says Nana's Garden and it has all of the names of her grandchildren with little cartoon children next to them, including Kayla. She loved it.
So then we went to the cemetery to take flowers to my mom's grave an also my grandparents'. From there we went to my grandparents' house, my dad had to move a dresser out of there. It was the final thing to go, the house is now empty. I wanted to go and see it in case it's the last time before it sells. I think we're just about ready to put it on the market. Then we went to dinner at a bar since there wouldn't be a mother's day crowd there. A pretty good day overall.
So I went to my RE today, everyone was so nice and said how sorry they were to hear about my loss. My doctor talked to me for a while, asked how it happened, how we are doing, etc. It's always nice to have a doctor that genuinely cares....it becomes so routine to them, and it's probably hard to not fall into the trap of looking at it from a medical standpoint rather than an emotional one. I wish all women in my position had wonderful doctors to take care of them.
So she said the basic plan is to get me back on Metformin, and she said we know that's how you got pregnant before so we'll continue with that plan. I asked her about the Zoloft, if I need to go off from it now or right when I get pregnant again. She said it's a category C, so once I am pregnant if I need to stay on it I can but I don't think I will want to. I had hoped to not be on it for very long, and I am going to be so anxious next time I really don't want to be on anything I don't absolutely have to be. Category C meds have shown an adverse affect in animal studies, and while they cannot say how it affects humans, they determine that the benefits of the drug outweighs any potential risks. I know for some people going off their antidepressants is not really an option, so the benefit outweighs the risk, but I don't think that is true for me. I'm still struggling with depression and grief even while on it, but a drug can only do so much. It can't erase my sadness that my baby died. My peace of mind of not being on it, despite any depression that might increase, is worth it so I don't have to have any additional worry.
After we talked she did an exam. So once I got bloodwork done, I was free. It's a beautiful day outside and I got home about 45 minutes early, so now I have time to relax some before I make dinner.
Mother's Day turned out to be ok. We slept in, and then Ryan gave me a card. He signed it himself, but he also wrote a message as if it was from Kayla. He wrote:
Mom,
I want to tell you I have been passed from person to person, into their welcoming arms with love. Most importantly I have never left grandma's sight and she holds me extra tight when I am placed in her arms. I love you, Kayla.
It made me cry. So we sat around for a bit and then we got lunch, and went to Kayla's grave. I wanted to have a picnic there but it was too chilly so we'll have to do it another day. Then we went to my inlaws and I gave my MIL her gift, which is a garden stone that says Nana's Garden and it has all of the names of her grandchildren with little cartoon children next to them, including Kayla. She loved it.
So then we went to the cemetery to take flowers to my mom's grave an also my grandparents'. From there we went to my grandparents' house, my dad had to move a dresser out of there. It was the final thing to go, the house is now empty. I wanted to go and see it in case it's the last time before it sells. I think we're just about ready to put it on the market. Then we went to dinner at a bar since there wouldn't be a mother's day crowd there. A pretty good day overall.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
:(
As if Mother's Day isn't hard enough for some of us, why must it be shoved down our throats for two fucking weeks? Every fucking where I go, Mother's Day, Mother's Day. Thank you retail America for making the month of May hell for me so you can make a buck. I don't want to take away from mothers who can enjoy the day, but that's just it, it's ONE DAY, not 14.
I'm missing my baby girl tonight.....a lot.
I'm missing my baby girl tonight.....a lot.
My body is working!
I got my period today! I was so surprised...I had been cramping a little, but that doesn't always mean anything, I can cramp on and off for weeks and nothing, but to my delight I started spotting yesterday and today is CD1. Of course that's not to say my body will continue to work, but I'll take anything positive I can get and a period 6 weeks postpartum is pretty good in my book.
I have no idea when I Od. I've been temping for the last few weeks and FF says I Od on Friday but that's of course not right because there is no way I have a 5 day luteal phase. I can't detect anywhere else on my chart that could have been it, so maybe it happaned just before I started temping again. I remember having a lot of sharp pains off an on for a couple days a few weeks ago. That was probably it but I can't remember how long ago that was. But I would say I probably Od for sure....before I got pregnant with Kayla I went an entire year without Oing and no period, so it doesn't seem too likely that this is just a withdrawl bleed after an anovulatory cycle.
Sometimes I get very angry that both my friend and I had these losses. In addition to the obvious reasons, I am just blown away by the odds of that happening. First tri losses are sadly very common, but the chances of a loss in the second tri are considerably less and less the further you get. She and I hoped and prayed, and even got pregnant very close together. We were each other's cheerleader, supporting the other through pgal brain and nerves over appointments. We'd each had early losses, but we were both confident (despite our fears) that these were our rainbow babies. And then the odds were not in her favor and I was so sad and angry for her, and then I experienced my loss as well. The fact that one of us lost our babies was mindblowing....I thought after our struggles with infertility and our first loss, no way would the universe crap on either one of us again, but it ended up crapping on us both.
But it makes me feel better to look at it a different way. Rather than both of us in this friendship having suffered and gone against what were odds in our favor, maybe we were brought together to be each other's strengths. Maybe our friendship was formed so we could be there for each other when we both went through our own hell. I am so sad for us that it happened, but I am so thankful to have someone who understands what I am feeling. Maybe Kayla and Bootsie are best friends in Heaven.
I have no idea when I Od. I've been temping for the last few weeks and FF says I Od on Friday but that's of course not right because there is no way I have a 5 day luteal phase. I can't detect anywhere else on my chart that could have been it, so maybe it happaned just before I started temping again. I remember having a lot of sharp pains off an on for a couple days a few weeks ago. That was probably it but I can't remember how long ago that was. But I would say I probably Od for sure....before I got pregnant with Kayla I went an entire year without Oing and no period, so it doesn't seem too likely that this is just a withdrawl bleed after an anovulatory cycle.
Sometimes I get very angry that both my friend and I had these losses. In addition to the obvious reasons, I am just blown away by the odds of that happening. First tri losses are sadly very common, but the chances of a loss in the second tri are considerably less and less the further you get. She and I hoped and prayed, and even got pregnant very close together. We were each other's cheerleader, supporting the other through pgal brain and nerves over appointments. We'd each had early losses, but we were both confident (despite our fears) that these were our rainbow babies. And then the odds were not in her favor and I was so sad and angry for her, and then I experienced my loss as well. The fact that one of us lost our babies was mindblowing....I thought after our struggles with infertility and our first loss, no way would the universe crap on either one of us again, but it ended up crapping on us both.
But it makes me feel better to look at it a different way. Rather than both of us in this friendship having suffered and gone against what were odds in our favor, maybe we were brought together to be each other's strengths. Maybe our friendship was formed so we could be there for each other when we both went through our own hell. I am so sad for us that it happened, but I am so thankful to have someone who understands what I am feeling. Maybe Kayla and Bootsie are best friends in Heaven.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Better day
I had a much better day today. This morning still sucked, as I got ready for work, thoughts raced through my head of how I could get out of going so I could go back to bed. I even felt nauseous when I got in my car. I've been feeling a lot of odd ailments lately, and I think they're all related to stress and depression. In addition to nausea I've had this disgusting burp where not only am I extra burpy, the taste is nasty, like deviled eggs. And much to my husband's dismay, the smell isn't much better. A few people have told me it's from an acidy or sour stomach. I had it a couple times in the couple weeks right after Kayla was born; I remember for sure that I had it the day I went back to the OB, so I would say it's definitely stress related.
I think I've also been grinding my teeth at night. I've always had problems with my jaw popping, and sometimes I have to actually push on my jaw to get it to open when it's acting up. I've had a lot of problems with this lately, but the last few days I haven't been able to get it to open much at all, so I can only open my mouth a little to eat. This is not fun. Years ago my dentist made me a mouth guard...I wasn't very successful with it, most mornings I found it somewhere in my bed. But I wish I knew where it was now so I could see if it helps. I really don't want to spend money for another one. I'll give it a few more weeks and hopefully it gets better on its own.
I'm also breaking out terribly, but not on my face. Oddly enough my face is quite clear, but my shoulders and the back of my neck are awful. I've been using acne body wash and also acne medecine, I think it's clearing up, but it needs to hurry. I have a strapless dress I want to wear at the end of June for a wedding and I can't really do that if I have zitty shoulders. Wow this entry is all kinds of gross.
So I think I was starting to cope with our loss a little, but now that I am back to work it's like I am entering phase two of my grief. If I were home and feeling really bad, I would have just gone right back to bed and not dealt with it, or I would have watched something good on TV to get my mind off from it, but now I can't do that.
I am sure some days will be worse than others, but I think if I can just somehow make it through each morning without wanting to quit or call in, I'll be ok. Oddly enough my usual annoyances like traffic and obnoxious co-workers haven't bothered me much at all. I think I'm just so zoned out much of the time that I am not really aware of those things, thank God. I've got all the stress I can handle. We celebrated my birthday at work today. They did an awesome job....usually they decorate your desk, everyone gathers around to watch you open your present and then you cut and pass out cake, but I asked if we could do a quiet birthday since I wasn't up to being center of attention.
So no desk decorations, and my boss called me to his desk and gave me my card and gift which was a Target gift card, and he said my cake was on the back desk. I could go get my piece and then he'd send out an email and let everyone know to help themselves. It was perfect and I so appreciated the discreetness. I also have to give credit to my co-workers, nobody has said anything stupid and they have all been very nice and welcoming me back. I was irritated yesterday that nobody actually acknowledged my loss, but I think I was just being crabby. I completely understand that people are probably afraid to bring it up and remind me of my pain, which isn't possible because I always think about it, but I can totally see why they would think that.
Of course my old boss isn't in this week, so I am sure I can look forward to inappropriate comments next week. She got in two zingers when I stopped in the week after to get something off my computer. She said "it was part of God's plan", and "well you can have fun trying again". Ugh, no, God did not kill my baby. Things just happen sometimes and my body failed, it had nothing to do with God's plan. And even if I am wrong, that does NOT make me feel better, especially just three days afterward. And I don't want to talk about having sex with my husband with my creepy old boss, and no, trying is not fun. It took 18 months to get pregnant with Kayla and she DIED....yeah I am anxious to try again for what it may result in, but actually trying is not fun. And it implies that Kayla meant nothing and I can just try to replace her. But, my old boss is a social moron and honestly I wouldn't expect anything less from her. We'll see what gems she comes up with next week. But it really means a lot to me that my co-workers have been very respectful and welcoming.
Well FF gave me CH's yesterday. I don't really believe them, it says I might have O'd on my birthday but I don't recall feeling what could have been O pains. I have been feeling slightly crampy on and off the past few days which could mean my period is coming in a week or so, but I don't know. It's given me CHs several times before, only to take them away around 10DPO, so I am not getting my hopes up.
I think I've also been grinding my teeth at night. I've always had problems with my jaw popping, and sometimes I have to actually push on my jaw to get it to open when it's acting up. I've had a lot of problems with this lately, but the last few days I haven't been able to get it to open much at all, so I can only open my mouth a little to eat. This is not fun. Years ago my dentist made me a mouth guard...I wasn't very successful with it, most mornings I found it somewhere in my bed. But I wish I knew where it was now so I could see if it helps. I really don't want to spend money for another one. I'll give it a few more weeks and hopefully it gets better on its own.
I'm also breaking out terribly, but not on my face. Oddly enough my face is quite clear, but my shoulders and the back of my neck are awful. I've been using acne body wash and also acne medecine, I think it's clearing up, but it needs to hurry. I have a strapless dress I want to wear at the end of June for a wedding and I can't really do that if I have zitty shoulders. Wow this entry is all kinds of gross.
So I think I was starting to cope with our loss a little, but now that I am back to work it's like I am entering phase two of my grief. If I were home and feeling really bad, I would have just gone right back to bed and not dealt with it, or I would have watched something good on TV to get my mind off from it, but now I can't do that.
I am sure some days will be worse than others, but I think if I can just somehow make it through each morning without wanting to quit or call in, I'll be ok. Oddly enough my usual annoyances like traffic and obnoxious co-workers haven't bothered me much at all. I think I'm just so zoned out much of the time that I am not really aware of those things, thank God. I've got all the stress I can handle. We celebrated my birthday at work today. They did an awesome job....usually they decorate your desk, everyone gathers around to watch you open your present and then you cut and pass out cake, but I asked if we could do a quiet birthday since I wasn't up to being center of attention.
So no desk decorations, and my boss called me to his desk and gave me my card and gift which was a Target gift card, and he said my cake was on the back desk. I could go get my piece and then he'd send out an email and let everyone know to help themselves. It was perfect and I so appreciated the discreetness. I also have to give credit to my co-workers, nobody has said anything stupid and they have all been very nice and welcoming me back. I was irritated yesterday that nobody actually acknowledged my loss, but I think I was just being crabby. I completely understand that people are probably afraid to bring it up and remind me of my pain, which isn't possible because I always think about it, but I can totally see why they would think that.
Of course my old boss isn't in this week, so I am sure I can look forward to inappropriate comments next week. She got in two zingers when I stopped in the week after to get something off my computer. She said "it was part of God's plan", and "well you can have fun trying again". Ugh, no, God did not kill my baby. Things just happen sometimes and my body failed, it had nothing to do with God's plan. And even if I am wrong, that does NOT make me feel better, especially just three days afterward. And I don't want to talk about having sex with my husband with my creepy old boss, and no, trying is not fun. It took 18 months to get pregnant with Kayla and she DIED....yeah I am anxious to try again for what it may result in, but actually trying is not fun. And it implies that Kayla meant nothing and I can just try to replace her. But, my old boss is a social moron and honestly I wouldn't expect anything less from her. We'll see what gems she comes up with next week. But it really means a lot to me that my co-workers have been very respectful and welcoming.
Well FF gave me CH's yesterday. I don't really believe them, it says I might have O'd on my birthday but I don't recall feeling what could have been O pains. I have been feeling slightly crampy on and off the past few days which could mean my period is coming in a week or so, but I don't know. It's given me CHs several times before, only to take them away around 10DPO, so I am not getting my hopes up.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Hard day
I'm having a really hard time right now. Work didn't go too bad, people mostly avoided me or just smiled and said welcome back. Though I have to say, one "I'm sorry for your loss" would have been nice.
I ended up leaving at noon though. I really didn't have anything to do because my boss is thankfully giving me a few weeks to kind of get back into things. I thought maybe leaving early would make the day easier and make me feel more refreshed for tomorrow. I did feel good leaving, but now I am feeling pretty crappy again. I don't want to go tomorrow just as much as I didn't want to go today.
I feel desperate, I am wracking my brain trying to figure out some way I don't have to work, but it's just not possible. I can't get anymore paid time off, and I absolutely cannot quit as Ryan's job doesn't have insurance. It's just every little thing feels so completely overwhelming right now. I feel like the depression is crushing me and I worry I will never feel happy again.
I don't want to go back to work, I just don't want to do anything. The idea of not having to work, just taking care of the house, cook, and just do everything I have to do now without working on top of it sounds nice. I know I basically had that for the last six weeks, and I spent most of it sleeping in and not being very productive, but maybe if that free time didn't have an expiration date. I felt pressure to both be productive and enjoy lazy days while I still could.
Though more than likely, it's a grass is greener type thing and for a long while I won't be happy no matter what. I just feel so stuck right now, I don't see any end in sight and I would give anything for more time off work, or to not work at all.
It also didn't help that one of the first conversations I heard today was this girl asking another guy how his newborn son is doing. I know the world doesn't revolve around me, and I know my loss isn't on other people's minds all the time like it is mine. But maybe, just maybe when you walk into work and see someone back for the first day since her baby died, maybe asking another co-worker about his newborn isn't the best conversation. I'm probably being ridiculous, but it made me angry.
I ended up leaving at noon though. I really didn't have anything to do because my boss is thankfully giving me a few weeks to kind of get back into things. I thought maybe leaving early would make the day easier and make me feel more refreshed for tomorrow. I did feel good leaving, but now I am feeling pretty crappy again. I don't want to go tomorrow just as much as I didn't want to go today.
I feel desperate, I am wracking my brain trying to figure out some way I don't have to work, but it's just not possible. I can't get anymore paid time off, and I absolutely cannot quit as Ryan's job doesn't have insurance. It's just every little thing feels so completely overwhelming right now. I feel like the depression is crushing me and I worry I will never feel happy again.
I don't want to go back to work, I just don't want to do anything. The idea of not having to work, just taking care of the house, cook, and just do everything I have to do now without working on top of it sounds nice. I know I basically had that for the last six weeks, and I spent most of it sleeping in and not being very productive, but maybe if that free time didn't have an expiration date. I felt pressure to both be productive and enjoy lazy days while I still could.
Though more than likely, it's a grass is greener type thing and for a long while I won't be happy no matter what. I just feel so stuck right now, I don't see any end in sight and I would give anything for more time off work, or to not work at all.
It also didn't help that one of the first conversations I heard today was this girl asking another guy how his newborn son is doing. I know the world doesn't revolve around me, and I know my loss isn't on other people's minds all the time like it is mine. But maybe, just maybe when you walk into work and see someone back for the first day since her baby died, maybe asking another co-worker about his newborn isn't the best conversation. I'm probably being ridiculous, but it made me angry.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Back to work
I go back to work tomorrow. I'm feeling dread, and partial excitement at the very same time, it's an odd feeling. I'm most worried about getting there...my grief/depression seems to be worst in the morning. It's going to get ready and not want to go back to bed. But I did a ton of laundry yesterday so my outfit is all laid out, and I decided to try to make my day tomorrow as enjoyable as possible so I'm buying both breakfast and lunch out. I kind of have to anyway, I haven't been grocery shopping in weeks.
I packed up all of my maternity clothes and put them in a plastic bin. I did save a couple that aren't true maternity clothes that I like and still look ok. It felt a little sad, but also therapeutic to wash them and pack them away.
My birthday ended up being pretty good. I slept in, and then met my MIL at her office and we walked to a restaurant and sat outside and had lunch. It was a beautiful day. Then we did a little shopping; she works in a quaint little downtown area so there were a lot of interesting shops. Then we got pedicures. It was a very nice day, I am glad we made the plans because otherwise I know I would have sat home moping all day. I just love my MIL, she's such an amazing woman.
When I got home, my husband and I went out for dinner and we got cupcakes but we were too full to eat them right then. Once she got the kids to bed, my best friend and I went out for drinks. First we went to this martini bar and had two martinis, which were delicious. It was so nice to just go out and drink with her and be able to talk without her kids interrupting us. I love love love her kids, but everyone needs some adult time now and then and I think she needed it just as badly. Around 11 the music got so loud we couldn't even hear ourselves talk, so we went down the street to another bar that was only slightly quieter and had a beer. We had a great time....before she and I got married, we used to go out every single weekend, and most week days too. I don't want that part of my life back, it was fun back then but now I am content being in my PJ's by 7pm, watching Survivor with my husband and cuddling with my cats. Funny how things change. But it was a ton of fun to relive old times for one night.
Yesterday we went to the cemetery and made a few changes to the proof for her grave stone. We asked to have the butterflies angled in toward each other, and to add Our Angel at the bottom. I can't wait until it's finished and installed. While we were in the office I looked up my friend's grave. She was hit by a car and killed when we were in the first grade. For years I thought she was buried out of state because that was one of the rumors going around at school. But then I got to thinking, kids also claimed she was buried in the front yard of the school because they planted a tree there for her and put her name on a plaque and that obviously wasn't true, so maybe the out of state rumors weren't true either. So about 7 years ago I called the funeral home where she was laid out, the same one we use for all of our family funerals, and found out she was in the cemetery by my house, which is the one Kayla is now in.
So back then I visited her grave, it was just a couple years before the 20th anniversary of her death. There were some other flowers there, so it made me happy to see people still came to her grave. I forgot where her grave was, so we looked it up, turns out she is just like 25 yards from Kayla's grave, it's so close. What a small small world. It made me sad though this time to see that it doesn't look like anyone had been there in a long time. I couldn't even pull the brass vase up out of the ground, there was so much dirt packed around it. I think I'll take her some flowers one of these days. It's weird to think back to when she died....being only 7, it's hard to even remember much about our friendship back then. But I've thought about her often over the years. I wonder if when a child dies, does their spirit stay a child, or is she like a 34 year old woman now? Either way, it brings me some comfort to know she's so close to my daughter and maybe another soul in Heaven watching over her.
Last night we went out for sushi for my birthday. We were supposed to go with my brother and his girlfriend, but at the last minute he called and said she wasn't feeling well so they weren't going. I was pretty bummed, it was my birthday....not that going to dinner with just my husband is horrible, but I was excited for the four of us to go out. But anyway, we were halfway there and my brother called to say he was still coming afterall and would meet us there. So we had a good dinner and I cheered up pretty quickly.
Today I had a lazy day, mostly laid around and watched TV. Around six I got the urge to go for a bike ride...just before I realized I forgot to take my zoloft earlier so I took it then. I have no idea if it was from that, but partway through I felt so nauseous. I pulled over and drank some water and just rested for a minute. I decided to call it quits and head for home but as soon as I got back on my bike I felt even worse. I finally found a spot that there weren't many people around, pulled over and threw up a few times. I had to sit on this rock for like 10 minutes until I felt well enough to ride home. I still didn't feel great, but I couldn't sit at the park all day. I rode slow though, which was annoying because I just wanted to be home, but I know the more I pushed myself, the more chance I'd puke again.
Then later tonight my stomach was really upset...Ryan thinks it's my nerves about going back to work tomorrow, which very well could be. I don't know, I don't necessarily want more time off, but I don't want to go back either. Hopefully tomorrow will be the worst of it and after that I'll be back in my routine. I'm just praying nobody says anything stupid.
I packed up all of my maternity clothes and put them in a plastic bin. I did save a couple that aren't true maternity clothes that I like and still look ok. It felt a little sad, but also therapeutic to wash them and pack them away.
My birthday ended up being pretty good. I slept in, and then met my MIL at her office and we walked to a restaurant and sat outside and had lunch. It was a beautiful day. Then we did a little shopping; she works in a quaint little downtown area so there were a lot of interesting shops. Then we got pedicures. It was a very nice day, I am glad we made the plans because otherwise I know I would have sat home moping all day. I just love my MIL, she's such an amazing woman.
When I got home, my husband and I went out for dinner and we got cupcakes but we were too full to eat them right then. Once she got the kids to bed, my best friend and I went out for drinks. First we went to this martini bar and had two martinis, which were delicious. It was so nice to just go out and drink with her and be able to talk without her kids interrupting us. I love love love her kids, but everyone needs some adult time now and then and I think she needed it just as badly. Around 11 the music got so loud we couldn't even hear ourselves talk, so we went down the street to another bar that was only slightly quieter and had a beer. We had a great time....before she and I got married, we used to go out every single weekend, and most week days too. I don't want that part of my life back, it was fun back then but now I am content being in my PJ's by 7pm, watching Survivor with my husband and cuddling with my cats. Funny how things change. But it was a ton of fun to relive old times for one night.
Yesterday we went to the cemetery and made a few changes to the proof for her grave stone. We asked to have the butterflies angled in toward each other, and to add Our Angel at the bottom. I can't wait until it's finished and installed. While we were in the office I looked up my friend's grave. She was hit by a car and killed when we were in the first grade. For years I thought she was buried out of state because that was one of the rumors going around at school. But then I got to thinking, kids also claimed she was buried in the front yard of the school because they planted a tree there for her and put her name on a plaque and that obviously wasn't true, so maybe the out of state rumors weren't true either. So about 7 years ago I called the funeral home where she was laid out, the same one we use for all of our family funerals, and found out she was in the cemetery by my house, which is the one Kayla is now in.
So back then I visited her grave, it was just a couple years before the 20th anniversary of her death. There were some other flowers there, so it made me happy to see people still came to her grave. I forgot where her grave was, so we looked it up, turns out she is just like 25 yards from Kayla's grave, it's so close. What a small small world. It made me sad though this time to see that it doesn't look like anyone had been there in a long time. I couldn't even pull the brass vase up out of the ground, there was so much dirt packed around it. I think I'll take her some flowers one of these days. It's weird to think back to when she died....being only 7, it's hard to even remember much about our friendship back then. But I've thought about her often over the years. I wonder if when a child dies, does their spirit stay a child, or is she like a 34 year old woman now? Either way, it brings me some comfort to know she's so close to my daughter and maybe another soul in Heaven watching over her.
Last night we went out for sushi for my birthday. We were supposed to go with my brother and his girlfriend, but at the last minute he called and said she wasn't feeling well so they weren't going. I was pretty bummed, it was my birthday....not that going to dinner with just my husband is horrible, but I was excited for the four of us to go out. But anyway, we were halfway there and my brother called to say he was still coming afterall and would meet us there. So we had a good dinner and I cheered up pretty quickly.
Today I had a lazy day, mostly laid around and watched TV. Around six I got the urge to go for a bike ride...just before I realized I forgot to take my zoloft earlier so I took it then. I have no idea if it was from that, but partway through I felt so nauseous. I pulled over and drank some water and just rested for a minute. I decided to call it quits and head for home but as soon as I got back on my bike I felt even worse. I finally found a spot that there weren't many people around, pulled over and threw up a few times. I had to sit on this rock for like 10 minutes until I felt well enough to ride home. I still didn't feel great, but I couldn't sit at the park all day. I rode slow though, which was annoying because I just wanted to be home, but I know the more I pushed myself, the more chance I'd puke again.
Then later tonight my stomach was really upset...Ryan thinks it's my nerves about going back to work tomorrow, which very well could be. I don't know, I don't necessarily want more time off, but I don't want to go back either. Hopefully tomorrow will be the worst of it and after that I'll be back in my routine. I'm just praying nobody says anything stupid.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
It's May
The sun is shining, the sky is blue, the birds are chirping, it's a beautiful 70 degrees outside and I'm very sad. I felt it on April 1st as well, it makes me sad to keep getting further and further away from March...the last time I was pregnant, the last time I was happy and the last time I held my baby.
Time seems to be going so quickly, and I feel like the faster the time goes, the more we're leaving her behind. May has always been a hard month for me; my birthday always leaves me with conflicted feelings, I miss my mom on her birthday and some years' Mother's Day is on or at least always very close to her birthday. I've hated Mother's Day since my mom passed, and last year was really hard with the added knowledge that it should have technically been my first Mother's day as I should have been pregnant last May. Not to mention the pain of none of our family knowing about that miscarriage at the time. But this year is going to be even harder since I really thought I would still be pregnant on Mother's Day.
I went to the cemetery yesterday...I was at the store and I found this little stone that said Love on it, so I got it for her. After a good rain, yesterday turned into a pretty nice day as well, so I stayed for a little while and I talked to her. I've been there a couple times by myself, but this was the first time I stayed for a bit, and I just talked. I told her how much I love her, and how she will always be our baby girl. I told her I was sorry for not being able to keep her safe, and I told her how many people she has on earth that love her, as well as in Heaven. I told her that her middle name is after her grandma, and how I hope she is up there with her, and her great grandparents and great Gamma and her step-uncle. It felt really good to talk to her.
I also stopped in at the office and got the issue with her stone resolved. They're able to do the butterflies still, just make them smaller, which is fine. Honestly I don't really know what the problem was in the first place, I mean, we ordered an 8X8 stone, we kind of figured they would make them whatever size they needed to be to fit. But whatever, it's resolved, we still get the butterflies so it's all good.
For whatever masochistic reason I looked at the Hump Day Bump Day thread on the July board. It made me very sad to see how big I should be right now. I've stayed well away from that thread until now, I don't know what possessed me to open it. I guess sometimes you just feel the need to make the cut and feel the pain.
My MIL just called and we talked for a bit. I feel a lot better since talking to her. My MIL has also had a very hard life....she was 21 with a 9 month old baby when her husband died. I can't even imagine the heartache she went through. But amazingly, she went on to meet my FIL a little bit later, and had her other two children. My dad's girlfriend too, her firstborn has cerebral palsy, she is 40 years old but has the basic mind of a 7 year old and will forever be dependent on her mother. Brenda also had a son, but he died almost 9 years ago. As much as I can't imagine their pain, they are a testament to me that you can go through hell and come out a better person. I feel sorry for myself sometimes for what I've been through in my life, but I also know it has made me stronger and I am better prepared for when life throws me another tragedy. But I almost feel bad for my husband because he doesn't have that knowledge. He doesn't know right now that it won't hurt this bad forever, and that we will get through it. We'll never get over it, and we shouldn't want to. She'll always be our first born and we'll always love her, but life will go on and things will get better, and I wish I could give him that knowledge.
Time seems to be going so quickly, and I feel like the faster the time goes, the more we're leaving her behind. May has always been a hard month for me; my birthday always leaves me with conflicted feelings, I miss my mom on her birthday and some years' Mother's Day is on or at least always very close to her birthday. I've hated Mother's Day since my mom passed, and last year was really hard with the added knowledge that it should have technically been my first Mother's day as I should have been pregnant last May. Not to mention the pain of none of our family knowing about that miscarriage at the time. But this year is going to be even harder since I really thought I would still be pregnant on Mother's Day.
I went to the cemetery yesterday...I was at the store and I found this little stone that said Love on it, so I got it for her. After a good rain, yesterday turned into a pretty nice day as well, so I stayed for a little while and I talked to her. I've been there a couple times by myself, but this was the first time I stayed for a bit, and I just talked. I told her how much I love her, and how she will always be our baby girl. I told her I was sorry for not being able to keep her safe, and I told her how many people she has on earth that love her, as well as in Heaven. I told her that her middle name is after her grandma, and how I hope she is up there with her, and her great grandparents and great Gamma and her step-uncle. It felt really good to talk to her.
I also stopped in at the office and got the issue with her stone resolved. They're able to do the butterflies still, just make them smaller, which is fine. Honestly I don't really know what the problem was in the first place, I mean, we ordered an 8X8 stone, we kind of figured they would make them whatever size they needed to be to fit. But whatever, it's resolved, we still get the butterflies so it's all good.
For whatever masochistic reason I looked at the Hump Day Bump Day thread on the July board. It made me very sad to see how big I should be right now. I've stayed well away from that thread until now, I don't know what possessed me to open it. I guess sometimes you just feel the need to make the cut and feel the pain.
My MIL just called and we talked for a bit. I feel a lot better since talking to her. My MIL has also had a very hard life....she was 21 with a 9 month old baby when her husband died. I can't even imagine the heartache she went through. But amazingly, she went on to meet my FIL a little bit later, and had her other two children. My dad's girlfriend too, her firstborn has cerebral palsy, she is 40 years old but has the basic mind of a 7 year old and will forever be dependent on her mother. Brenda also had a son, but he died almost 9 years ago. As much as I can't imagine their pain, they are a testament to me that you can go through hell and come out a better person. I feel sorry for myself sometimes for what I've been through in my life, but I also know it has made me stronger and I am better prepared for when life throws me another tragedy. But I almost feel bad for my husband because he doesn't have that knowledge. He doesn't know right now that it won't hurt this bad forever, and that we will get through it. We'll never get over it, and we shouldn't want to. She'll always be our first born and we'll always love her, but life will go on and things will get better, and I wish I could give him that knowledge.
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