V Day!-24 wks

It's V day!  I'm so happy to be here, another milestone crossed off.  I also find it so fitting that it's Thanksgiving Day, because we have so much to be thankful for.  I am so thankful for this little miracle growing inside me, and I smile every time I feel her kick.  I am so thankful for our amazing family and friends, without them I don't know what I would do.  I am thankful for our beautiful home and my amazing husband, who is spending his Thanksgiving morning working so people don't fall on their asses being gluttonous and greedy while shopping on Thanksgiving day....errrr, yeah.

It's been a hard year, but I am so thankful for having had Kayla.  Losing her was one of the biggest heartaches of my life, but she was also one of the brightest spots in my life, and I am so thankful to her for making me a mother.  I hope her and everyone we love in Heaven is having a wonderful Thanksgiving Day.  I sometimes get angry at how my life has gone, throwing me more sadness than I think is fair, but it's all given me more joy and love than sad times.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  And for your viewing pleasure, the stuffed turkey....I mean me:

Annoyed-23 wks 3 days

My dinner sucked tonight.  We don't have much in the house, and I am sick to death of anything I can eat that can be ordered.  I already went out today to run errands and it was extremely cold, so going out for anything was out of the question.

So I had noodles, with an attempt to melt cheese over them since actual mac and cheese is too high in carbs.  As I was trying to get my cat off the counter, the serving spoon fell out of the pot, taking most of the noodles with cheese on them with it.  Grrrr.

I don't know if it's because I am jealous, or if it's because people are too whiney (for the record, I am NOT whining right now), I'm sick to death of hearing pregnant women say "I can't stop eating", or "I have such a sweet tooth, all I want is sugar and I can't stop".  Um, yes you can, you just don't want to.

How about, I can't eat that way for the health of my baby, I have to follow a strict diet, I have to eat at certain times even if I'm not hungry and your whining because you "can't" stop stuffing your face with a whole plate of brownies?  Yeah, I'm probably jealous, but I just cannot stand when people claim they can't do something when it comes to health.

Of course, I'm not the picture of health, but I own up to it.  I was fat before I got pregnant because I didn't want to stop eating crap and drinking pepsi.  I chose to sit on the couch rather than work out.  Being pregnant is no excuse either, you're eating junk or eating all day because you want to.  I guess I'll get my revenge when I hear everyone whining about trying to lose the 30+ pounds they gained and I have nothing to lose from pregnancy but right now I'm extremely irritated.  And with that, I'm taking my grumpy ass to bed.

Traditions- 23 wks 2 days

I finally made it to the cemetery today, thankfully all of her stuff was still there.  I figured rules were different in the baby garden  about items at the grave, but since they recently did fall clean up we were worried it didn't apply and that everything would be cleared.  But they weren't :)  I had been to the dollar store before that, so I picked her up some small christmas balloons.  My dad is going to chop off the tip of one of his pine trees in the yard so we can take her a tiny tree.

So I finally got up the courage to take her teddy bear home and wash it.  It was really dirty and the muddy water was frozen, so I decided it was time.  Kayla Bear is all clean and fluffy now!  Since it's just going to be a mess all winter long, we decided to let Kayla Bear stay with us during the winter and take her back out in the spring.  Kayla has two balloons, two spinners, a dragonfly and a nightlight at her grave, so I feel better about her not having her teddy.

I think we'll make it a tradition to keep Kayla Bear at home during the winter, and when Boo gets a little older we'll make it her special job to keep Kayla Bear safe and warm, and then she can give it back to Kayla in the spring.  Speaking of traditions, we decided today that since we cannot buy Kayla a Christmas present, every year we'll make a donation to a charity in her name, preferrably a children's charity of some kind like St. Jude...maybe a different one each year.  We also decided to adopt a grave.

For those that aren't familiar with that, it's where you go to the cemetery and pick out a grave that looks like it hasn't had any visitors for a while, like maybe a grave that's so old all of the surviving family members are gone.  So you clean it up a little, trim the grass around it, clean off the stone and leave some flowers.  It makes me happy to think of someone caring for Kayla's grave once we're long gone.  But I think we'll make that a tradition for her angelversary since it will be almost spring and easier to do the maintainence. 

I've had a rough couple days lately, missing Kayla.  I had a good cry last night and felt better afterward.  She's my daughter, of course I'll always love and miss her, I just don't get why sometimes I am pretty ok, and other times I am constantly falling apart...I guess maybe my heart keeps it together for as long as it can so I can get through the days, and then on my hard days it's because my heart can't keep up and the pain gets in.  I picture the walls of my heart like a dam with a small leak, and then one day the pressure just gets to be too much and the leak turns into a big gush.

Not alone? -23 wks 1 day

Sometimes I feel so alone in my grief, like I should be over it by now.  I was reading something that made the tears flow, I wasn't bawling, but I'm literally sitting at my desk with tears streaming down my face and welling in my eyes, and I tried so hard to cover it up.  While my co-workers haven't been THE BEST at dealing with my grief, I think they would have understood me crying four months ago, but now I think they would have looked at me like I lost my mind. 

I know plenty of other people that have walked this road, I know I'm not alone, but still sometimes it's hard not to feel that way, when the majority of the people you know have not walked it.  Someone posted on the loss board today about Jackie O's losses....I guess I always knew they had lost at least one child, I've seen his daughter's grave stone near his, but I didn't realize she was stillborn, and that Jackie O suffered a misscarriage, and lost their son Patrick after he was born premature and only lived a couple days.

I was curious, so I did some googling and found 21 celebrities that have lost a child and was surprised at how many there were.  Most of them were early miscarriages, but devestating nonetheless.  Not that celebrities going through it makes it comforting, but I think people tend to look at celebrities as having perfect lives....they're rich, famous, take grand vacations, have huge beautiful homes.  But just like everyone else, tragedy can strike, and many of them suffer in silence.  Sure you can find it out if you dig deep enough, but for most of the celebs listed, it wasn't common knowledge to me that they had had a miscarriage.  I often find myself asking the question, why me?  Why did I lose my babies, but other people get them?  But there is something oddly comforting to know that the pain of losing a child can happen to anyone, rich or poor, famous or not....shit flies around and lands on somebody, and it's not picky about who it lands on.  I guess it makes me feel more like I was just unlucky, rather than being singled out to have something bad happen to, if that makes any sense.

I need to go to Kayla's grave, I hate that I cannot remember the last time I was there.  October 15th maybe?  It's not for lack of trying, but it gets dark so early now, it's pitch black by the time I get home from work.  Technically the cemetery doesn't close, so I could go, and maybe I'm being stupid about it, but I just cannot being myself to go there in the dark.  If I did, it would be to just drive by, because there is no way I could get out of my car and comfortably spend any time at her grave in the pitch black.  Tomorrow, I will definitely go tomorrow.

Another milestone- 23 wks

I've never seen 23 weeks before, it feels good!  The 119 days to go is a little scary though, Boo will be here before we know it.  I can't wait, but it's a little scary.

I had a cervix check today, holding strong at 5 cm (up from 4.7 last week) and she switched to abdominal so I could see her wiggling around a little.  She was moving her mouth a lot, not sure what she was doing but it reminded me of how they exagerate cartoons snoring with their whole face contorting and blowing air out their mouth....I giggled picturing her blowing little bubbles of amniotic fluid out with each breathe.

I was stuck with Dr. A hole again, but I didn't complain because I don't usually go on Thursdays, but they couldn't get me in on Tuesday, so I suspect that is why I saw him.  But none of my questions are pressing, so I just saved them for next time so it was a really quick, simple visit.  They put the sheet out for me for a pelvic exam and I asked the nurse if I was still getting one even though I just had a good vaginal u/s and she said yeah, he likes to do them.

Ordinarily I am not a "go against authority person" (well, in some instances....I surprise myself from time to time) and I would just do whatever a doctor said.  But his pelvic exam last time was not pleasant, and I spotted and cramped more than usual for three or four days afterward.  I can handle the small spotting from a pelvic from my other doctor, but the multiple days of spotting and extra cramping really freaked me out last time.  I also read a birth story the other day and the woman stressed being your own advocate and not taking everything a doctor says as gospel, you don't have to accept any treatment you don't want.  So when he came in, I asked if I really needed it since I had the u/s, and he was like well, we can see that it's nice and long, so we can skip it if you want to.  :)

I was supposed to go again next week, but they wanted to set my appt after that for two weeks from today instead of next week...keeping me on the weekly schedule.  As much as I like the assurance, my cervix is doing great, I am past my milestone, and I haaaate not taking lunches to make up for missed time at work.  So it's time I go back to every other week as long as things are going well.  So we canceled next week and set it for two weeks from today. 

I feel like I've gotten huge in just the last week, and despite feeling her kicks last night, I decided to use my doppler last night.  It had been a while and I just felt like hearing her again.  As I was putting the gel on, I was horrified to see that my belly button is seriously caving in on itself.  It had been getting there for a while now, but last night was like whoa!  Please don't let me get an outie, please please don't let me get an outie.  I have a strange thing with belly buttons, they make me feel ill just thinking about it.  I don't know how I'm going to handle cleaning around Boo's until it falls off, gross!

Speaking of Boo, I was thinking today how it's going to be weird calling her by her name once she gets here.  I'm so used to Boo....of course Boo will be a nickname, but to me, her name is Boo.  Maybe it will be easier to call her by her name once she's an outside baby.  I ordered her a Boo doll the other day from Monster's Inc.  It's not a plush doll, so it will be a while before she can play with it, but her name is Boo, I couldn't not get it.

Bored!-22 wks 6 days

I am so bored.  I just technically got off lunch, but I've actually been on lunch all day.  I seriously have not had one single thing to do since I got here.  We're out of funds to balance, everything is up to date, and the only other small amount of work I have to do is delayed, the reports haven't come in yet.  I'm sitting here reallty struggling to stay awake, and failing most of the time.

It's nice to have a light day now and again, but the day is dragging by so slow today.  Thank goodness I can read my Nook online, but reading makes me sleepy.  But I got some good news when I came in today.  One of the higher ups sent out an email giving everyone the choice of one of four days to take off as an appreciation day and it won't count against our vacation time.  I've been here for over 8 years and they've never done this before.

My options are kind of limited because my counterpart is already off two of the days, so I chose Black Friday, so now I get a four day weekend for Thanksgiving!  My other option was New Year's eve, which I probably should have taken.  Black Friday is an early market release day, so we can leave at 2 once the market closes at 1.  But so many people have to stay all day in case any work comes in, so for those that work, they get to leave at 2 some other day.  I was going to work the whole day so I could use those three hours for a day when I have an appt so I could save some sick time.

But honestly, that would only put me ahead three hours, I won't be able to bank enough sick time for an extra day off should I need to call in.  So more than likely I would be tempted to use those three hours to go home early some day or something.  I tend to have a harder time going to work when I have time to use.  Besides, next month I'll earn more vacation time so if need be I'll have that.  And a four day weekend sounded really really good.  I also have a late doctor appointment next Tuesday so I won't get in until 11:30 or 12, so I barely work next week.  I'm so excited!

I also came up with a plan to clean the jumperoo...since I can't get the parts off to wash it, I'm going to put it in the bed of the pick up and go to one of those self car washes and blast it.  That out to get into all the little nooks and crannys as well as clean all of the fabric parts.  I'm so smart sometimes I can't stand it. 

I felt huge last night, and then when I went to bed I laid on my side and I felt like my belly was hanging, and I couldn't get comfortable.  I don't always use my snoogle since it can be cumbersome but I got it last night and wow, instant comfort.  I think once I snuggled up in there I was asleep within minutes.  It's seriously a lifesaver.  I cannot even fathom how huge I'm going to get as we get near 9 months if I already feel huge now.

I had a strange thought last night.  Now granted my first pregnancy only lasted a few days, but nonetheless this is my third pregnancy.  Pregnant I am used to, in fact I'm starting to feel like I've been pregnant my whole life.  And even though bringing our baby home has been what we have wanted for a long time now, sometimes I still have that panicked fleeting thought of....holy shit, we're going to have a kid!  I mean, sometimes I get so focused on this pregnancy and worrying about whether or not we'll make it that sometimes I forget that if all goes well, we'll actually end up with a child in the end and she'll be ours forever.  Sheesh, that's a little scary.  I'm sure all new moms go through this, but sometimes I am utterly terrified that I won't have the first clue what to do. 

Clean house- 22 wks 4 days

My house is clean!  Well sort of....I literally spent all day cleaning and doing odd jobs around the house yesterday.  Our house was terrible before, clutter everywhere, two new containers of cat litter had been sitting in the kitchen for over a month now, waiting for my husband to take them downstairs, empty 12 pack pop containers sitting around, luggage still from Vegas, ugh!

I got all of the clutter picked up in the living room and kitchen, I vacuumed, did dishes and swept the floor.  So I didn't do much hardcore cleaning as I did straightening up, but it looks so much better.  Now that I am starting with a clean slate, I can try getting back to my cleaning schedule where I clean one thing each day.  There is still some of my husband's clutter that I don't know what to do with, but honestly I don't like a pristine home.  Once I get on a cleaning kick I have a hard time stopping, and if our house is "stranger presentable" then I obsess over every little dirt spec and item out of place.  But if it's just normal people clean with some stuff here and there to look like we do in fact life there, I can relax.  I know I'm weird.

I don't know where my energy came from yesterday but I just couldn't stop.  I tried a few times to relax and do nothing, but I kept thinking of new things to do.  I also washed all of the baby clothes my friend gave me as well as the baby carrier, I wiped down and/or washed any of the items she gave me like the activity mat, the bumpo seat and a few other items that I don't know what they're called.  Unfortunately we have to toss the jumperoo.  I cannot figure out how to get any of the plush animals or the seat cover off to wash them, and there is some visible crusty stuff on some of the animals and I just can't bring myself to use it without being able to clean it well.

It's too bad because it's an item I would like, and I checked it out on Babies R Us and it's a $100 item.  But she gave me so much useful stuff I really can't complain.  Some of the stuff I'll be taking to my dad's since he'll need stuff there.  I'm excited to see the nursery coming together, even though it's still a complete mess and doesn't really resemble a nursery yet.

Today I made a list of things I want to organize, like closets, our bedroom, and the basement.  I have no clue when I'll get the list done, but I'll tackle each thing as I have time and energy.  I'm especially excited to do our room...it's such a mess, and I know I have a ton of clothes I should get rid of, or at least store.  I hate to get rid of "skinny clothes" because some of them are really cute and I do plan to be able to wear them again some day, but there is just no room for them with my current clothes right now.  So I'll give some away, but hopefully can store some too.

The main thing is I need to make our bedroom into a non-tripping hazard.  I get up at least once or twice a night to go to the bathroom and it's really hard to walk in the dark, half asleep as it is, let alone with junk everywhere.  But I refuse to do that once I have to get up to check on Boo, so our bedroom is my first task on my list. 

Ugh, I have a sinus headache....for some reason I seem to be more prone to them while pregnant.  I guess they're better than a migraine though.  I've decided to start listening to headphones at work....this lady that drives me insane (she's very noisy, she makes an array of annoying noises through out the day) is back from vacation this week and already driving me nuts.  In the morning she has this dry hacky cough, in the afternoon she makes these small grunt noises (???) and lately she's been talking to herself.  I am often in a decent mood when I get to work, only for it to be squashed by annoying people, so I think headphones are a good solution.

Today.....22 wks 3 days

...is the most pregnant I have ever been!  I am passed my milestone and we are so happy!  It was a little difficult, but I credit my sanity to my doctors for giving in to my every whim and giving me so much monitoring.  I honestly think without it I would be a complete basketcase and worried all the time (instead of just most of the time).  Though I will admit, I am a little nervous because we are headed into unchartered terrirtory.  I've never been this far, I don't know what to expect.  But as someone said on my BMB, I guess nobody does.  This pregnancy has been so different from my first....while I didn't have a ton of spotting episodes like last time, I had that big scary gush of bleeding early on.  I had terrible morning sickness that doesn't seem to want to give up, and as of right now I can still feel my hands, whereas last time the feeling was long gone weeks ago.

But it's still scary, but a good scary.  I'll never get anywhere if I don't go into the unknown, and eventually my baby will be at the end of my journey.  My husband and I took our camper up north Friday night to park it at my dad's place for the winter instead of paying for storage.  So we slept in it for the first time.  The bed was quite uncomfortable, the camper wasn't leveled since we got in so late and didn't bother so we were tipped to the right quite a bit, and our heads were slightly lower than our feet so most of my body was asleep through out the night.

We already winterized it, so while we had lights and heat, we didn't have water so we had to have a bucket to pee in through the night.  Thank God for that though, I got up three times, and there was no way I was going to go outside, and walk the 10 yards in the middle of the night to my dad's place for his bathroom.  The next morning I was a little nervous when I had been up for a few hours and realized I hadn't felt her move yet.  Truthfully though, most times I don't notice when she hasn't moved in a while....I do feel her every day, but at this point it's still too early to feel her often.  But I think because it was my loss milestone and because I was 300 miles away from my doppler, it made me nervous.  But she woke up not long after breakfast and said hello :)

So I made my dad tell my grandma before we got there, and then Ryan and I stopped to see her on our way out of town yesterday.  It was a very short trip, just to get the camper there and we had to be back because he had a run this morning.  This sounds really really bad, but I only go see my grandma because I have to.  I would never hear the end of it if I was in town and didn't stop.  There are a few reasons for that....I am one of like 28 grandkids.  Boo will be one of 17 great-grandkids.  When we were little, we only came to visit every couple of months and I was very shy.  But even if it weren't for all of that, my grandma is just a hard person to know.  She's a woman of few words, she won't say much if you do something right, but she sure will let you know (and everyone else) if you do something wrong.

I love my grandma, I do....but we're not close at all, and honestly if I hadn't seen her this weekend it really wouldn't have made a difference to me.  I don't really miss her when I haven't seen her in a long time, it's more of an obligatory relationship than anything.  It also doesn't help that she says whatever is on her mind, and it's not the old age thing either, she's always been like that.  She often bakes pies, so yesterday her kitchen table had pies, and other assorted goodies on it as always.  I said how it was torture because with my diabetes I cannot eat that stuff.  So she remarked, well from the looks of it you're eating something....I was like that's baby, and she said it's not all baby.

Ok first of all, I was overweight before I got pregnant, so of course I am not going to magically turn into a skinny pregnant woman.  But I have grand plans to get back into shape once Boo is here....I did it before, I can do it again.  Secondly, I've been working very very hard to stick to my GD diet and I think I've been doing very well.  I have not gained one single pound with this pregnancy, in fact I am still down 6 pounds from what I weighed when I got pregnant and my doctors praise me and tell me I'm doing great.  Third, just because our babies are small still and our tummies get big, doesn't mean it is fat.  All of the skin, blood, fluid, and organs that were there before had to go somewhere as baby gets bigger, so they get pushed up.  Yeah it's not all baby, but I do have internal organs that are trying to find some room in there.

And finally, even if I did eat a ton and gained a ton of weight, it doesn't need to be said!  I know, blah blah she's old, but it still really hurt my feelings, especially when I have been doing so well and working so hard and I get no credit for it.  And, while my health is a concern, the number one thing I care about is that Boo gets here safe and healthy, so I could really give a rat's ass if you think I have been eating bad, my baby is still alive and that's all I care about.

This is going to sound really really bad, but sometimes I get really angry that my sweet, loving, amazing grandma who was one of my best friends, and would never ever say anything hurtful to me is gone, and the grandma that I've never been close to at all and says things like that to me is still here.  It's really not fair.  I mean, everyone says my grandma loves children, but really what's another one to her?  When we tell her our news, she just says oh?  She doesn't congratulate us, she doesn't say how happy she is for us and it's another one of 17.

But I never got to tell my other grandma any of our good news, she would have been over the moon happy for us.  And counting Kayla, Boo would have only been her third great-grandchild and she would have loved and cherished her every single day.  I'm just mad and angry that she didn't get to be here to celebrate this stuff with us, and the grandma who is more concerned with making me feel bad is. 

But today is a happy day, so I'm going to forget about that.  I just had to get it off my chest.  It's a dreary rainy Sunday, a perfect day for cleaning the house.  I am so behind on housework and clutter is about to swallow us whole, so I'm going to go blast my Pandora and get to work.

One year ago- 22 wks

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts regarding my upcoming loss milestone.  I am doing ok...a little anxious from time to time, but my amazing doctors have been lifesavers.  I truly believe in less capable hands, by now I would have either been experiencing my third loss, or at the very least be insane with worry and anxiety.  My weekly appointments have given me so much reassurance, and I feel a lot of hope.

Now onto a bit of a sad anniversary....it was one year ago today that I took a pregnancy test and it told me my little girl was on her way.  I cannot believe it's been a year already.  Even more scary than that, in just 4.5 short months, when Boo arrives, it will have been a year since we lost Kayla.  It will be bittersweet.  I was so happy to see those two pink lines....I even sat on the news for a couple hours because I just couldn't believe it.  Finally when I looked at the tests and could see the lines without crossing my eyes, I decided to tell my husband.  I left a note that said second time's a charm?  and some U of M baby booties on the table for him to find.  As it turns out, the second time wasn't a charm, and those booties were buried with our sweet little girl.  But I will never regret any of it.  Despite all of the pain and heartache, Kayla was and will always be the best part of my life in her short time with us, and I cannot wait to see her and hold her again one day.

Ok, now that I am crying at my desk at 9am, let's talk about some good news.  Upon returning from maternity leave last spring, I got an email saying that our usual 12 weeks off was being reduced to 6 weeks.  This upset me greatly....since I will be a working mother, I'll get precious little time with my baby as it is.  My dad gets to be the one to spend all day with her, and probably see her first steps and hear her first words...I'll get the little time in the evenings before I feed and bathe her and put her to bed.  I am grateful for my dad, and I trust him completely, but the idea of leaving Boo at just 6 weeks and going back to work was horrible, though I was thankful to have something as I know some people don't get any paid time off.

If all went well and I didn't need bed rest, meaning I would get my full 6 weeks once Boo is here, I was still hoping to take the 12, but of course I would only be paid for 6.  But I got a newsletter today about the proposed change to maternity leave, and the announcement that it has been decided that the company will keep the paid bonding time, above what is medically necessary upon giving birth.  I do not know the details because the link won't open, but I am assuming that means they're going back to the old plan where I would get 12 weeks off at 90% pay.

This makes me sooooo happy.  So if I were to go on leave around Boo's due date at the end of March, I'll be off work until about mid-June.  That's so awesome....the six weeks I had after Kayla went pretty fast, and that was spend mostly sleeping and laying around the house.  I cannot even imagine how quick six weeks would go by being sleep deprived and trying to adjust to a newborn baby.  I'll update when I know the details.

Update:
So I got the details on the change to maternity leave.  They did reinstate the bonding time, so now I would be eligible for 12 weeks instead of 6.  However it all depends on when I go on leave.  Because I just took leave last March, I'll have to go on leave next year after I went this year in order to get new time.  So if I go on March 24 or sooner, I get 6 weeks paid, but if I go March 25th or after I get 12 weeks paid; my due date is March 22.  So needless to say I'm hoping she comes a little late.  I'm taking 12 weeks regardless, but when I go into labor will depend on if I get paid for 6 or 12.  Of course it would be great if I got paid for the whole thing, but if not we'll just have to take it out of savings.  I'm just glad I have the job protection for that whole time, that was what I was most worried about.  So she'll come when she comes, and whatever happens happens.

On another note, I was going to go maternity coat shopping on Sunday.  I hate to buy a new coat for just one year, but I cannot zip or button any of my current coats and it's gotten really cold outside.  I thought I could deal since I'm always so hot, but not so much, it's freaking cold.  I picked up my inlaws from the airport tonight and then came in to visit for a while and I mentioned needing a coat.  So my MIL whips out this adorable coat and it is big enough for now with some room to grow.  Then she starts going through the closet and gets me a scarf which was really cute as well, and gloves, lol.  So now my Sunday afternoon is open and I didn't spend a dime!  

Famous Cervix- 21 wks 5 days

My cervix is going to be famous!  After my fetal echo today, they did the vaginal to measure my cervix, and my doctor came in and just did my appt from there so she could see the ultrasound results.  She requested a few pictures so she can take them to a lecture she's doing later so a whole room full of people will get to look at my cervix, haha.

So I was pretty on edge last night, I got pretty crampy out of nowhere and it stuck around for a little while, and my discharge picked up some.  I've also been so tired, ever since we got home from Vegas I just fall asleep everywhere, my head bobbing wakes me up, only to doze off again a few seconds later.  The extreme fatigue, increased discharge and cramping were all present a few days before I went into labor.  But, I think some of the fatigue is just normal pregnancy exhaustion that comes and goes, and I might still be trying to recover from jet lag and time change.

While the discharge was noticeable, it wasn't thick and snot-like, as it was last time, and the cramps went away after about an hour.  But being just days away from the point I went into pre-term labor last time, I guess I am understably extra nervous.  I was very happy for my appointmet this morning....first I had my fetal echo just to give Boo's heart a better look since I was diagnosed with GD so early.  She was doing yoga again this morning, she's obsessed with her feet....she's always got her feet up around her head, probably trying to suck her toes.   I guess it probably gets boring in there, not much else to do.

So while the tech was waiting for her to roll over so she could see her heart, she re-checked a few things and said her brain looks absolutely perfect as does her spine.  I can never hear those things enough.  Of course we would want her and love her so much no matter what, but I had this huge fear that while this pregnancy would be successful, there would be something wrong with her whereas perfectly healthy Kayla didn't make it.

So she passed the heart exam with flying colors, and she is now weighing one pound, which is just slightly behind Kayla who was 1 pound 1.6 ounces....but there is a very good chance she could catch up, and even pass that up in the next few days.  She could see the cervix from the abdominal ultrasound but she said she'd ask the doctor if she wanted her to do the vaginal one as well.  When she came in, she said it's up to me.  At first I said it was fine, she could see that it was measuring 4.7 cm....but then I decided, with the milestone coming up and the fact that we're announcing to the world this weekend, I had better just get the other one done too. My "highs" from a good appointment do not last long, so the added reassurance will be appreciated in a few days I think.

Last week my cervix was measuring 4.2 cm, down from 5.0 the week before.  They said it is normal to fluctuate and as long as it is above 2.5 they don't worry, but I was happy to see it lengthened some this week.  Most likely, it shortened some due to all the walking we did in vegas, and then lengthened back out since I've been a couch potato since we got home.    I asked my doctor, since my measurements have all been good, does that mean I didn't have an IC, or is it just that the cerclage is doing its job, but she couldn't say either way for sure.  She said they didn't have enough evidence to say I had one to begin with, but she wasn't confident in bypassing the cerclage, and there isn't a lot of studies done on it because once it is determined that someone likely needs a cerclage, they're probably not going to go through a pregnancy again without it to see if it holds up on its own.

That makes sense....I'd rather not have a difinitive answer, than to not have tried and had the same result as last time.  But it sounds like if we do this again, I'll definitely get another cerclage, there is just no reason not to and take the risk.  Maybe I am just one of those 85% that has good success rates with the cerclage.  I mean, I know I am far from out of the woods, I've still got two more weeks until V day, and 5 more weeks until Boo has a 90% chance of surviving with no complications....but I am very pleased with my progress.  Given the fact that 5 days before I went into pre-term labor and was dialated four centimeters and this time I have not even had any consistent, significant shortening, I would say is a very good sign. 

Of course there are many factors to take into consideration, and we won't truly know until at least a year after Boo is here, but I am growing more and more confident that if we chose to, another baby after Boo may be possible.  I don't know what we'll decide, but I am glad it's looking like we may at least have the option.

Hand me downs- 21 wks 4 days

My friend who has three little girls just sent back a ton of stuff with her mom when she went to visit, and then dropped it off to me.  Some of the stuff I can't use, like a bottle warmer, and some items that I honestly don't know what they are, lol.  But she sent a bouncy seat, an under the sea activity mat (which we had actually registered for last time) a food grinder, some brand new bottles, a brand new bottle of prenatals (they're gummy, so probably not good for my GD, but I can take them after Boo gets here), and a three layer lazy susan filled with jars of baby food.  Not to mention the two bags of the most adorable little girl dresses you've ever seen, and a baby sling. 

The clothes are all 12 months, but I can't wait till they fit, they're all so cute.  This one in particular will be perfect for next Christmas...she'll be about 9 months by then, but there's a very good chance it'll fit her.  I'll want her to wear them all before she grows out of them, but I doubt there will be enough fancy occasions, so she's going to be very well dressed for doctor appts and trips to Target.

The best part it, whatever I can't use, can go to my dad's since he'll need things there too.  Like one of the things she sent was a musical light up thing that goes on the crib....it won't go with our theme, so my dad can have it at his house.  I'm excited to buy new furniture and stuff, but gently used hand me downs are awesome.

I'm starting to get nervous about this Saturday (my loss milestone).  In some ways I feel good, because things have been going well.  But on the other hand, everything happened within 3 or 4 days....the cramps and the increased discharge....I thought everything was fine last time too.  But at least I have been getting extra monitoring, so I know that at least as of last Tuesday, everything was fine.  Thank goodness I have an appointment tomorrow.

One down, several to go-21 wks 2 days

Ryan and I put together our first piece of furniture today, the glider rocker.  It was so easy, the base was already together as was the foot stool, so all we had to do was attach the back, the arms and all of the cushions.  It's too bad the rest of the furniture will not be as easy.  The chair is ridiculously comfortable.  I ran errands today and bought Boo her first book, and since we decided on monkeys I couldn't pass up the super soft monkey holding a blankie.

So when I got home I "rocked her" and read her the book.  I got her Love you Forever.  I read a couple of months ago that the lines "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be" was actually inspired by the author's two stillborn children.  So I thought it was the perfect first book, and as I sat there reading, I was actually reading to both of my girls.

Here is a pic of the rocker and the monkey blankie.  

Don't mind the dirty carpet, once we get all the junk out of the room, I need to vacuum and shampoo the carpet.  I think maybe we'll buy the crib soon....that will be sooo weird to have a crib in the house.
 So I told my aunt our news today, she was really happy for us.  I'm excited to get past our milestone next weekend and be able to tell the rest of the world.

Edit:  And of course, it's only been together for less than 12 hours and one of my four legged babies has already discovered what a wonderful napping chair it is.  I said I would kick the cats out of anything baby related, but he just looked so snuggly I couldn't do it.  Now the crib is a different story, there will be no cats in the crib.  I already have a fear of Vinny trying to snuggle Boo and sitting on her face.  

Monkeys! 21 wks 1 day

My dad and my aunt are coming over to wire our outdoor electrical boxes tomorrow.  I'm excited, 4.5 years in the house and we can finally do nice outdoor lights.  We've done them in years past, but plugging them in has always been a challenge.  Plus with our new landscape, I'll have more things to drape lights on.

I guess my aunt will get to hear our news a week before everyone else since she'll be seeing me tomorrow.  I'm sure if I don't say anything she won't either, but I am sure it's rather obvious now that I am pregnant.  I doubt she'd go scream it from the rooftops, and it's only a week early so it's not a big deal. 

I was thinking today how I was angry that not many people in my family have said anything about Kayla since our loss....but I think I was just looking for people to dump my anger on.  My Aunt Janet came straight to the hospital as soon as she heard, and she, my Aunt Mary (the one I'll see tomorrow) and Aunt Vicki all came to the funeral home...they're the only local ones, I didn't expect anyone to take off work and drive 4 hours to come.  They all got together and sent a card with money....I got a little teary thinking about it today.  They care, I know they do.  Not saying anything can hurt, but honestly if I weren't in this situation, I am not sure I would know that I should say something to the parents at a later date either.  I really do have an amazing family.

I have to have a fetal echo done on Tuesday....they didn't see anything wrong at the a/s, but it's standard for people who were diagnosed early with GD.  I was a little worried they did see something but weren't telling me, but I did some googling and it does seem to be common to GD moms to have it done.  I invited my dad's girlfriend, but she's got to work.  I don't mind going alone at all, but I thought she'd like to come and see Boo, which I know she does but can't get out of work.  That stinks....maybe I'll ask my MIL to come.  We were going to invite her to the elective 3D/4D one we're doing in January, but at the same time I'd kind of like it to be just Ryan and I.  Since Ryan can't come to this one next week, it was a good time to invite someone else.  We'll see.

I need to get going on Boo's room.  It's painted and everything, but it's an open empty room, so junk that we don't know what to do with has crept it's way in.  I need to put all of the clothes I have in the closet, and we need to put together the glider rocker and install the ceiling fan.  I'm kind of stuck at home tomorrow while my dad and aunt are over, so maybe I'll work on the glider.  I can't wait until we have a crib all set up, that will be surreal.

We've finally agreed on a theme.  I wanted owls, I think they're so adorable, but Ryan doesn't like them.  So then after seeing the shark exhibit in Vegas, we decided on under the sea.  The gift shop had this adorable pink jelly fish that we bought, and I thought the rest of the animals/pictures could be found online.  But no such luck, and then Ryan and I couldn't agree on real vs cartoony.  I wanted to do like pink and grey animals (grey dolphins and sharks, pink fish and octopus) but he deosn't like the cartoony stuff, he wanted real looking things. 

So we scraped that idea and decided on monkeys.  I didn't want them at first because the colors are going to be pink and grey, and most monkey sets have pink and brown.  But I found one that is mostly pink, with just the brown monkeys.  Our furniture will be dark brown, so it should go nicely.  I am not sure why he is ok with cartoony monkeys, but I am just glad to have decided on a theme. 

So tired- 20 wks 6 days

Today blows.  I have been soooo tired all day, like head bobbing and almost hitting my desk tired.  I struggled all through the morning to stay awake and get some work done, but I've been wildly unproductive all day.  It's also freezing in my office, which is odd because I am usually burning up so the cold just makes me even more want to curl up someplace warm and sleep.

So at 10 minutes to 12 I scarfed my lunch down and went out to my car to sleep.  I can normally sleep in my car pretty well, but today I have a low bun in, so I couldn't find a comfortable position for my head.  When I first got in the car I was freezing so I blasted the heat (it's cold and rainy out too) but after about 15 minutes I was dying.  I guess I feel a little rested, I don't know, we'll see when I try doing some work.

I was doing the head bob thing last night too while I was on my computer at home.  Second tri is so weird....you're not dead tired all the time like first tri, but days like today just hit you out of nowhere.  MH got up for work this morning but then came back to bed, saying he got a text saying no work today.  I wanted to cry.  It doesn't happen for him a lot, but it does happen.  I would kill for a no work day, but that will never happen at my work.  Even if there is a huge snowstorm, we're told to use our own judgement and use a vacation day if we need to, but we're still open.

I can't tell you how many times I've prayed for a pipe to burst or the heat to break....nothing major that will cause a huge headache, just something to get us out of work for one day.  I have to go to the hospital today to pick up my syringes so I think I'll reward myself with my favorite dinner.  I haven't cooked, like seriously cooked in weeks....possibly over a month.  Getting take out just sounds so much more appealing these days.

No real point to this entry, I'm just putting off doing work because I'm afraid I'll fall asleep again.  Boo was kicking a lot last night, I could even see them and I thought maybe I could feel a couple from the outside.  I'm not sure though, when you can feel them inside it's hard to say if you're really feeling them outside....but it shouldn't be too much longer till Ryan can feel them, I can't wait for that.  He never got to with Kayla; he never even got to see her kicks because the little stinker would stop doing it everytime he would look.

Home- 20 wks 5 days

We're home!  Vegas was great, we had an awesome time.  We saw some shows, Boys II Men and Gallagher, saw some exhibits, the shark exhibit, Titanic and Bodies, ate some good food, gambled a little.  I was worried about being diabetic in Vegas, but for the most part I did great.  On the meals I did go over, we walked so much this weekend that my bloodsugar was still great.  I had just a couple bad readings, but I think all things considering I did very well.

We didn't win much, I think between what we won and lost, we netted about 20 bucks, haha, but it was fun when we won.  I wanted Ryan to bet on black 24 (Kayla's birthdate) at roulette, but as we were standing there watching, getting a feel for the game, black 24 hit twice in a row!  We did way more walking than I thought we would, so I was pretty tired by the time we got back to our room each night.  It was pretty funny seeing all the young girls all dressed up to go out and party and drink, and here I am, happy as can be going back to our room at 10:30, ordering room service and watching a documentary on killer whales in captivity.  My how things change over the years. 

Our trip home was a little hairy, we got delayed by a lot, and being pregnant and cranky and my feet were swollen was not fun.  I am still well within the safe zone for flying, but it was very uncomfortable and I will never do it again.  I worried a little that I walked too much and that my cervix might have shortened, but I had an ultrasound today.  It was 4.2cm.....last time it was 5.0, before that it was 4.4....so while it did shorten some, the tech said it's normal to flucuate, so the numbers aren't as important as the fact that I am over 3cm.  So basically anything over 3cm is good, no matter if it's a little shorter than last time.  And I am pretty confident that the walking shortened it a bit, and I wouldn't be surprised if it's a little longer in two weeks.

I'm very irritated, I realized tonight I am getting low on syringes and my insulin supplies are filled through the hospital pharmacy.  I have an appt again in a week, but I don't have enough to make it till then, so I have to go back in a couple days to get my rx.  Arg, I was just there!

After the vaginal u/s she did a quick abdominal so I could see Boo and gave me a couple of pictures.  I bought a "baby's first 5 years" album the other day so I think I'll go start filling it out.

When we first got pregnant with Kayla, I was excited for her first Christmas this year and wanted to get real stockings (ie not the dollar store) with everyone's names embroidered on theirs.  I am too superstitious to do one for Boo for this year, but then I thought, why not still get one for Kayla?  Is that weird?  I mean, she's still our daughter, it makes me sad to think of one day having a couple kids stockings hanging and not include her....but I'm not sure if we should get one for her.  I know it's our house and our decision, but does anyone have any thoughts?  I mean, I don't think I would be comfortable doing something like say, signing her name in Christmas cards or something, but I'm on the fence about including her in things like family stockings.  Anyone else do anything like that?