Not alone? -23 wks 1 day

Sometimes I feel so alone in my grief, like I should be over it by now.  I was reading something that made the tears flow, I wasn't bawling, but I'm literally sitting at my desk with tears streaming down my face and welling in my eyes, and I tried so hard to cover it up.  While my co-workers haven't been THE BEST at dealing with my grief, I think they would have understood me crying four months ago, but now I think they would have looked at me like I lost my mind. 

I know plenty of other people that have walked this road, I know I'm not alone, but still sometimes it's hard not to feel that way, when the majority of the people you know have not walked it.  Someone posted on the loss board today about Jackie O's losses....I guess I always knew they had lost at least one child, I've seen his daughter's grave stone near his, but I didn't realize she was stillborn, and that Jackie O suffered a misscarriage, and lost their son Patrick after he was born premature and only lived a couple days.

I was curious, so I did some googling and found 21 celebrities that have lost a child and was surprised at how many there were.  Most of them were early miscarriages, but devestating nonetheless.  Not that celebrities going through it makes it comforting, but I think people tend to look at celebrities as having perfect lives....they're rich, famous, take grand vacations, have huge beautiful homes.  But just like everyone else, tragedy can strike, and many of them suffer in silence.  Sure you can find it out if you dig deep enough, but for most of the celebs listed, it wasn't common knowledge to me that they had had a miscarriage.  I often find myself asking the question, why me?  Why did I lose my babies, but other people get them?  But there is something oddly comforting to know that the pain of losing a child can happen to anyone, rich or poor, famous or not....shit flies around and lands on somebody, and it's not picky about who it lands on.  I guess it makes me feel more like I was just unlucky, rather than being singled out to have something bad happen to, if that makes any sense.

I need to go to Kayla's grave, I hate that I cannot remember the last time I was there.  October 15th maybe?  It's not for lack of trying, but it gets dark so early now, it's pitch black by the time I get home from work.  Technically the cemetery doesn't close, so I could go, and maybe I'm being stupid about it, but I just cannot being myself to go there in the dark.  If I did, it would be to just drive by, because there is no way I could get out of my car and comfortably spend any time at her grave in the pitch black.  Tomorrow, I will definitely go tomorrow.