Traditions- 23 wks 2 days

I finally made it to the cemetery today, thankfully all of her stuff was still there.  I figured rules were different in the baby garden  about items at the grave, but since they recently did fall clean up we were worried it didn't apply and that everything would be cleared.  But they weren't :)  I had been to the dollar store before that, so I picked her up some small christmas balloons.  My dad is going to chop off the tip of one of his pine trees in the yard so we can take her a tiny tree.

So I finally got up the courage to take her teddy bear home and wash it.  It was really dirty and the muddy water was frozen, so I decided it was time.  Kayla Bear is all clean and fluffy now!  Since it's just going to be a mess all winter long, we decided to let Kayla Bear stay with us during the winter and take her back out in the spring.  Kayla has two balloons, two spinners, a dragonfly and a nightlight at her grave, so I feel better about her not having her teddy.

I think we'll make it a tradition to keep Kayla Bear at home during the winter, and when Boo gets a little older we'll make it her special job to keep Kayla Bear safe and warm, and then she can give it back to Kayla in the spring.  Speaking of traditions, we decided today that since we cannot buy Kayla a Christmas present, every year we'll make a donation to a charity in her name, preferrably a children's charity of some kind like St. Jude...maybe a different one each year.  We also decided to adopt a grave.

For those that aren't familiar with that, it's where you go to the cemetery and pick out a grave that looks like it hasn't had any visitors for a while, like maybe a grave that's so old all of the surviving family members are gone.  So you clean it up a little, trim the grass around it, clean off the stone and leave some flowers.  It makes me happy to think of someone caring for Kayla's grave once we're long gone.  But I think we'll make that a tradition for her angelversary since it will be almost spring and easier to do the maintainence. 

I've had a rough couple days lately, missing Kayla.  I had a good cry last night and felt better afterward.  She's my daughter, of course I'll always love and miss her, I just don't get why sometimes I am pretty ok, and other times I am constantly falling apart...I guess maybe my heart keeps it together for as long as it can so I can get through the days, and then on my hard days it's because my heart can't keep up and the pain gets in.  I picture the walls of my heart like a dam with a small leak, and then one day the pressure just gets to be too much and the leak turns into a big gush.