It seems my pgal brain has shifted a little into overdrive this week. I think there are a few reasons for that. I went to my Godson's first birthday party on Saturday and it was the first time seeing my best friend's family since I got pregnant, so the day was full of congratulations and asking questions about the baby and my pregnancy. I've found that any day that is really focused on baby gets my paranoia up...this happened any time we announced to anyone new as well.
We also find out the sex in 5 more days....I always thought gender reveal events were attention whorish, but we decided to do something small with just our immediate family with pink or blue filled cupcakes. We don't want to wait the extra five days it would take to place the order the day we find out, so we just went ahead and ordered a dozen with pink and a dozen with blue and we'll just have leftovers of whichever color is wrong. Once we pick them up, we'll head to my inlaws, then my SIL's and then my brother's house. My dad is getting home from a trip to Tennessee that night, so we'll have to wait until the next night to drop by his house. We haven't told them what exactly is going on, just that we're stopping over with a surprise. I am sure they know it's to announce the sex, but the cupcakes are a secret and I think will be a cute surprise.
So all the talk and anticipation over finding out the sex has made me a little paranoid as well. I also did a prenatal yoga DVD last night for the first time. I liked it I guess...I am not super into the "new age, connect with the earth" stuff but the actual work out was fairly easy and the end was relaxing. My back felt a lot better today too, so I am hoping it's due to the yoga. However the last time I did a new work out I spotted the next day, and I was feeling a bit extra crampy last night and today, so all day I've been doing the panty check. So far so good, but it still makes me nervous.
Finally, I think some of my paranoia comes from what happaned to a good friend of mine. We have actually never met, but over the last year we've gotten to know each other pretty well through the bump, facebook and texts. We were both dealing with infertility which is what got us talking in the first place, then her experience with her RE was what really helped me get the courage to see an RE and we both ended up pregnant within weeks of each other. It was great having someone to shriek to after a good ultrasound or hitting a new milestone, and also having someone who knew exactly what it felt like to be so paranoid since we had both experienced early losses.
Sadly, her journey ended last week when her worst fear was confirmed; after a trip to the doctor to hear the heartbeat to ease her mind, her missed miscarriage was discovered. When she text me with the news my heart dropped into my stomach, I am so heartbroken for her. No one should ever have to experience a loss, let alone more than once. I feel so awful for her that she has to endure this pain. Every tragedy in life is different of course, but the year or two following my mom's death was a very very hard, dark time in my life, and it pains me to know anyone is going through pain like that.
But, when I get too nervous and paranoid, I force myself to focus on something more positive, so I shall end this entry on a positive note. I've started feeling what I am pretty sure is movement. So far they just feel like flutters and very tiny tiny bumps, but I've never felt anything like it before and it's been happening many times a day for the last week or so, so I am almost positive it's movement. It's a strange, yet wonderful feeling at the same time. I'm excited about this weekend because I'm getting my hair cut and then my husband and I are going out for a belated Valentine's Dinner for sushi! But I hope the next five days goes by quickly so we can get to Tuesday so we can find out what little baby B is!
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