It's been 9 months exactly since my baby girl was born. I miss her so much and I wish I could hold her again. I hate that this happened to us, and I hate that it happens to others. It just breaks my heart.
Today also would have been my grandpa's 86th birthday...hopefully he and Kayla are snuggling together in Heaven. There is a picture of my grandpa holding me when I was 13 days old....I know because in the picture my mom was blowing out her birthday candles. He had the look of complete joy and just ooozed "proud grandpa" as he held me. I picture him with the same look on his face as he holds my daughter.
I'm looking forward to tonight, my family is coming over, we're hosting dinner and opening our presents with them. We were going to go to church, but I get off work at 5 and church is at 5:30....I would make it on time, barely, but work has been insanely busy lately. I keep getting stress headaches, and the idea of having a busy hectic day and then flying to get to church on time wore me out. So instead I'll just go home and get dinner ready for our company.
I'm kind of irritated though that my brother and his fiancee have also decided to bail on church since I'm not going, and now my dad isn't going either since nobody else is going. I know he would have liked to have gone....in fact up until a couple years ago we never missed church on Christmas Eve. I am a little sad that I can't go tonight, if I got off work earlier, or wasn't so busy this time of year I would still go....but there really isn't a good reason my brother isn't going aside from the fact that I bailed. I get the feeling my dad would have liked to have gone, but doesn't want to by himself.
It's probably just as well that I'm not going...the really religious Christmas songs, especially Hark the Harold Angels Sing really chokes me up lately. And my first Christmas Eve without my mom I had a hard time at church, and suspect tonight would have been similar. I'd rather not be fighting to hold back the tears at church.
I can't wait to give my dad and Brenda their gift tonight....I got them each a smaller gift, but my brother and I went in together and we're sending them on an Alaskan Cruise. Haha, they're going to be pissed that we're spending so much. But I always said if I ever was in a position to do so, I would send my dad on a vacation, and Alaska is something he's been talking about for years. We're totally going to make Brenda cry. They're such wonderful people....my dad is amazing, the best dad in the world, and I couldn't have asked for a better partner for him than Brenda. She's been a blessing in our lives and they both deserve this trip. I also made her cry on her birthday....since she's not technically my stepmom since they're not married, I wanted her to know that I not only accept her in our family, but that I think of her as family. So the card that I got her started with, you're like family to me, but I crossed out the "like" and I saw she got teary while reading it :) Not that I enjoy making people cry, but I am glad she liked it.
I'm starting to get reaaaalllly uncomfortable. Every movement hurts...I put my foot up on the toilet seat this morning after my shower to dry my leg and I got the worst cramp in my pelvic area. Standing up, sitting down, laying down, rolling over in bed, getting in our truck....I cannot do any of that anymore without grunting or making some other kind of annoying noise. I am still sleeping fairly decent, but when I first get into bed I'm uncomfortable as hell, and rolling over during the night always wakes me up. I'm frightened of how I am going to feel in another month, or two or three.
I think my least favorite new symptom is how I feel after I eat. It's not about overeating, because with GD I can rarely eat so much that I can say wow, I'm stuffed. But after I eat, my stomach.....my bump, not my actual stomach, feels super tight and full, like it's going to burst. I assume it's because as my stomach gets food in it, it pushed everything else up to make room. It's a really gross feeling....ahhh the joys of pregnancy that nobody tells you about.
Just one more day until third trimester, and another milestone! Boo is still moving frequently, but I notice her kicks and jabs aren't quite as forceful....maybe as she gets bigger and there is less room, she can't put as much elbow grease behind her punches. My news years resolution is going to be to get her nursery ready before the end of January. I know there is still time, but my shower will be here before I know it, and we'll have more stuff to pile in there. It makes me anxious to see junk still scattered in there and her crib still in the box. Too bad I cannot drink a 5 hour energy drink, then it would be done within a couple hours.
I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas tomorrow!
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