Daddies- 28 wks 1 day

I wanted to share this poem, it makes me cry my eyes out, but I think it's so important to recognize that the dads are hurting just as much as we are.  I sent this to my husband the night we got home from the hospital.

It must be very difficult

to be a man in grief,

Since "men don't cry",

and "men are strong",

No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult 

to stand up to the test,

And field the calls and visitors

so she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's alright

And what she's going through.

But seldom take his hand and ask,

"My friend, but how are you"?

He hears her crying in the night

and thinks his heart will break.

He dries her tears and comforts her,

But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult 

to start each day anew.

And try to be so very brave-

He lost his baby too.

(By Eileen Knight Hagemeister)

My husband was so amazing during and in the hours, days, weeks and months following our loss.  Our family and friends were very good to us both, but it makes me so sad that society in general tends to gravitate toward the women in situations like these.  Just because my husband never cried (that I know of) doesn't mean he wasn't absolutely heartbroken.  We sat hand in hand at Kayla's funeral, and I could feel his body tensing and relaxing, tensing and relaxing, desperately trying to hold back the tears and I know it was for my sake.  I love him so much for this, but I am also so heart broken that he felt he had to do that.  Yes I went through the physical pain of giving birth to her, and the emotional pain on losing something that was a part of me, but I am not sure which is worse....being in pain, or seeing someone you love being in pain.  My physical pain eventually subsided, but he will always have the memory of watching me go through that.

So 2013 is quickly coming to a close and 2014 is fast approaching.  The new year is bittersweet.  I look forward to 2014 being a happy year, filled with many blessing, the main one of course being meeting Boo and taking her home.  But I am also sad to leave 2013 behind.  Right after our loss, the first of each month was so hard for me as it felt like we were getting further and further away from when we last held Kayla, when we were last happy.  Each month it got easier and easier until eventually the first of the month no longer fazes me, but I feel it again with the new year approaching.  I was pregnant with Kayla in 2013, I still had the hopes and dreams of her being our child, home with us every day, and it was in 2013 that I held her for the first and last time; I'm afraid of leaving her behind.  But this was posted on the bump today, and it is an absolutely beautiful way to think of it.

 

 It's hard to read, but says, "I have to remember that time is not taking me farther from you, but that it is bringing me closer to seeing you again.  That to you, we only will have been parted for an insignificant moment".