Pinch me-3 wks 3 days

I must be dreaming.  I got my BFP last night!  Holy crap, I am in such disbelief.  I was going to wait until Sunday, but my temps kept rising.  I figured last night was a good time to test, it would be like a practice test to calm my nerves.  Or like on Sex and the City, a simu-test.  I thought even if I end up KU, an evening, non-FMU at only 9DPO likely wouldn't show anything.  So I thought it would be good to test when I am completely expecting a BFN and get it out of my system until Sunday.

So I tested with a dollar store test....I didn't see anything at first, but I was starting to go blind so I made myself wash my face and not look again until I was done.  When I did, I thought I saw something but it was so stinkin faint.  So I dipped an FRER and while I was waiting for that the line was getting easier to see on the dollar store one.  Still super faint, but if I stared at it for a long time I couldn't see it as well, but if I looked away and looked back, I could see it right away.

The FRER was even fainted, I could only see that if I turned it to an angle.  Neither line was convincing enough to tell MH yet, so I was set on testing again this morning and telling him tonight.  But before I went to bed I checked the test again, I know you're not supposed to but since I already saw lines before the time was up, I figured it couldn't hurt.  Both lines were much much easier to see.  I was convinced, so I put out the University of Michigan booties for my husband to see on the dining room table, along with a note that said Second Time's a charm?

I went downstairs to see if he was awake and if he was coming to bed soon.  He was semi awake, and he said he would be up in a few.  So I paced around the house, waiting for him.  Finally I decided to go lay down, and maybe I could run out to the kitchen when I heard him coming, but he was too fast for me.  He was up the stairs and in the bathroom before I knew it.  He came in to the bedroom and it was obvious he walked right by it and didn't see it.  So I told him to go back out there, I left him a present on the table.  I heard him chuckle and he asked when I got them. 

He didn't get all excited and shreiky or cry, but I knew he wouldn't.  He's just not that type of guy...I've surprised him with many gifts that I thought would be so exciting  that he would love and got a very mediocre response so I am used to it.  I know he is happy though, he just shows it in a different way.  I think it will hit him more once I start showing or we see a heartbeat or we find out if it's a boy or girl.  Right now it's just so abstract to him, he doesn't really feel it.  Plus after what happaned last year he is right to be cautious.

So I tested again this morning.  I stupidly temped this morning and my temp dipped quite a bit, but it's still well above the coverline.  I was looking at BFP charts last night on FF and I saw similar dips and rises, so I shouldn't worry, but I still am.  Before I said I would go into this with a positive mind, be happy for the moment and realize that whatever will be will be.  Worrying won't change whatever outcome there will be, it will only make me miserable.  But I can't help it, it's easier said than done.  So it didn't help at all that the line was even harder to see on the dollar store one.  But oddly enough, the FRER was easier to see.  A faint but very visible line popped up within just a minute of testing.

So I'm going to chalk the dollar store on up to it being so early and maybe this one had less dye.  I didn't dare try a digi today, I knew if it's too early I couldn't handle seeing not pregnant.  It would be too big of a mind game.  I'm going to resist the urge to buy more FRERs on the way home and just test with a dollar store the next few mornings and then use a digi on Sunday.  But then it should be late enough to get a positive on that.

I'm trying so hard not to worry, but I am still cramping and it's freaking me out.  Occasionally I can feel like a discharge coming out, so with that and the cramping I keep running to the bathroom to check.  I know I shouldn't worry about it, but the cramps make me so nervous.  It makes perfect sense that I would have cramping, and my cramping last time could have been totally unrelated to my CP.  But when you've felt this feeling proceed bleeding for the last 20 years, it's hard to tell yourself that's not going to happen.  If the cramps would just go away, or at least lessen I would feel so much better.  I feel very positive and happy when I am not cramping, but when I am the worry sets in. 

I also worry that if I am too happy, the happy police will come and take it away.  I know, completely ridiculous, but it's such a hard thought to get to go away.  I told my good friend at work my news....he knows we've been trying for a while and about the CP, so he told me I need to think positive because thinking negatively will only be bad for my body.  I know he's right, and I am glad I told him.  He made me feel a lot better.

I go for betas tomorrow morning.  I am glad they want me to come in right away.  The real scary one will be the second beta though to see if they are increasing like they should.  The nurse warned me that since it is so early, that my count could be very low tomorrow and to not be concerned.  Though she is still sticking to the story that I am 12DPO.  I better take my chart in tomorrow, because I don't want them thinking my betas are low for 13DPO when really I will only be 11.  She is convinced I Od on CD32 because I had an LH surge on CD31.  Ugh, that infuriates me that a nurse at an RE's office would be so ignorant.  Even if that were usually true, how can you say point blank, "because you surged on friday then you Od on Saturday'.  There is no always and never in TTC.  Hell, an RE wouldn't even likely exist if our bodies were that certain.  I could see a nurse at an OB's office saying that, but at an RE they should know better.

So I called my dad this morning to see if we can set up a dinner so I can tell him the good news.  He works a lot, and it seems like when he isn't working or up north, his girlfriend is working.  I really want them both to be there for the good news.  So unfortunately it could very well be a few weeks before I am able to tell him.  Not sure what to do about my inlaws....I'd like to tell my dad first.  I don't know, since he's MY dad, and since this will be his first grandkid I feel like he should be told first.  But my inlaws would be so much easier to schedule.  They are almost always free so we could either have them over for dinner or we could just surprise them and say "don't cook, we're coming over with dinner and then tell them the good news.

I text my best friend to see if she is available for lunch on Sunday.  I am a little uneasy with making all these plans to tell, but I feel like no matter what happens, I want those who are close to me to know either way.  So should the worst happen, I want the joy of being able to announce the good news first.  So that makes me content with it.  I'm hoping my brother and his girlfriend can come over soon so we can tell them.  But she is often working or has to go home to go to sleep early.  I would prefer to tell the both of them, but if it only works out with just him coming over, I am ok with that too.  I just can't wait to see his face when I tell him he's going to be an uncle.  Now HE is the kind of guy that will give me a better, excited reaction.

Other than that I think we'll wait till second tri to tell anyone else.  If we go up north when I want to next months, I miiiiiight tell my grandma.  But it depends, if there are other people around then I won't, but if I can catch her alone then I probably would.  I don't think she would be a gossip queen and tell anyone.  Plus she should be excited that I am a grandchild who did it "the right way" and got married first.  Of all of her grandchildren who have kids, about half of them were born out of wedlock.  That would probably upset most grandparents, but she and my grandpa were devout Catholics so it stung even more.  But if we don't see her then, I think we'll wait until second tri to tell her.

If I see my aunt and uncle anytime soon I might tell them also. It doesn't really matter if they tell anyone, the only people they would have to tell is my cousins, and I barely ever see them either.  With my grandparents gone, I won't have them to relay the information to my aunt and uncle....I don't really see myself making the phone call to tell them, so if I see them in the next month or so I might as well just tell them.  I'm so sad that my grandparents aren't here to tell.  If they were, I would probably be calling my grandma tonight.

Last but not least, I might tell my aunt and cousin that live in Hawaii.  They knew about the last one, and like I said, good or bad I want their support.  Ok, I had better get back to work.