Boo-Berry-7 wks

I am 7 weeks today, so Boo is the size of a blueberry....or Boo-Berry cereal.  Man, I want some now.  My big craving with Kayla was Cap'n Crunch with Crunch Berries, but I forsee eating a lot of Boo-Berry this fall.

So I survived the EDD and the balloon release we had on Saturday was really nice.  We all wrote messages on our balloons, then we gathered around and our friend Dan said a few words, then we released them.  Everyone had pink balloons, and Ryan and I each had a pink and a purple but my purple one got stuck in the one branch that was hanging over, as did my neice's balloon.  But before we left the wind freed both of them so they floated off to Heaven as well :)

I love random funny moments in an otherwise sad situation.  My FIL had to run my neice home since she couldn't stay for the BBQ, so my MIL hitched a ride with us back to our house.  We knew the side gate of the cemetery was closed, so we went out the front.  As we were driving down the side street that runs along the side, we saw several of our friends and family driving to the side gate, and turning around when they realized it was locked.  They all looked like rats in a maze trying to find their way out, so we honked and waved on the way by and we were all cracking up, lol.

Once back home, I had to run around getting last minute food prep done.  I don't know if it's because I haven't been hosting that long, but I am always such a frazzled mess when things aren't ready for company.  I don't know why, it's not like all of our friends and family are regular Martha Stewarts.  Every single time I go to someone's house for a gathering, we never eat by the time they planned, stuff is still being prepped when we get there, but they all manage to look cool as a cucumber.  They sit and chat while they finish stuff up or they hand out jobs.  But I am an anxious mess when it's our turn to host and things aren't ready.

But it went well, the food was great and the rain held off most of the day, and when it did finally pour people just came in the house and the men holed up in the garage.  It was nice to be amongst friends and family, rather than sitting around moping. 

EDD-6 wks 2 days

Today is the day we were supposed to meet our sweet baby.  I'm doing ok I guess.  I really wish I could have had today off work, but it wasn't in the cards so whatever.  Today isn't nearly as bad as having to deal with the newborn the other day, so I'll count my blessings.

My husband is getting off work at a decent time tonight, so I think we're going to go out for a nice dinner instead of our usual ordering pizza or getting take out somewhere.  If I could have had the day off work, he would have taken it off too and we were going to spend the day doing whatever made us happy, so I am glad we can at least still do dinner.  I stopped at the cemetery last night after work and I read her a letter I wrote to her.  I got choked up several times; it was all my thoughts about how I felt when I first found out I was pregnant, and how excited we were to find out she was a girl and apologizing that I couldn't keep her safe, and letting her know that even though her brother or sister is on the way, she will always be our daughter, our first born and we'll never ever forget her.

I stopped at the flower shop across the street to get her some flowers, I was going to try dying them pink and purple for tomorrow, but I didn't see any I liked.  But they had these adorable teddy bears in a pink hoodie so I got one for her.  When we go tomorrow I'll put it at her grave.  I think it will be ok, it will get wet when it rains but she's mostly under a big tree, and it will dry.  The baby garden seems really good about people not taking stuff, and the lawn crew not doing clean ups.  I know there are rules for what decorations are allowed and how long they can stay elswhere but I think they let those slide in the baby garden.

So tomorrow is the balloon release.  I'm so glad we decided to do this because I am looking forward to it....seeing all my family and close friends and watching the balloons float up to Heaven.  I mean I know they'll end up on a farm somewhere in Indiana, but while you're watching them float away, it's not hard to believe they're going to Heaven.  It's nice to look forward to that tomorrow instead of associating this weekend with nothing but saddness.

I just hope things feel better once we're past this.  It's been true of other anniversaries I've faced, but this is different.  After this weekend, she should have been home with us.  Her room shouldn't still be empty, with the walls partially painted and the closet doors still missing.  The glider that I would nurse her in and rock her to sleep shouldn't still be in its box in the corner of the room.  As much as I am grateful to be pregnant again, I am sad that that room will be the new baby's, and not hers.  I hope it doesn't take long to bond with this baby.

I am not sure if not bonding is what I am doing...I mean it's hard to bond this early anyway, but most days I completely forget that I am pregnant.  I mean, everytime I go to the bathroom I hold my breathe until I see that there isn't blood, I count down the days till my next ultrasound, I check off each day in my pregnancy book each night when I get home, every few days I clutch the toilet bowl and say goodbye to whatever I ate for dinner, but I still often forget I am pregnant.  It's like I am just going through the motions.  Maybe it's because I am trying not to become too attached, so that if it goes away it won't hurt as bad?  I don't know, but I just fear not giving Boo 100% of my love and affection because he or she is not Kayla.  I hope I'll feel differently when I see him on the ultrasound, or start feeling flutters.  The doctor did say I could find myself feeling a bit emotionally detached.  That makes me feel like a horrible mother, but at least it sounds like it's normal. 

Lucky dime-6 wks 1 day

Boo can now fit on the surface of a dime by him/herself.  Just a week ago it would take two babies Boo's size to cover a dime.  It's so amazing to read what is happening each day and how quickly parts form.  At just 6 weeks 1 day Boo's arms are already growing and his hands are looking more like paddles than flippers, and his leg buds have appeared and are forming flippers for the feet.  Babies really are miracles.

So after missing two days of work last week for bedrest, I got to thinking about what I would do if I end up on extended bedrest at some point in my pregnancy.  I don't want to borrow trouble, but there is a very decent chance that I will...at least a better chance than if I had a normal, non-high risk pregnancy.  I did some research at work and found since I've only got 6 weeks left of short term disability and FMLA, I am kind of screwed if bedrest happens since I wanted to take the 6 weeks after Boo is born.  I mean regardless of how much time I want to stay home with my baby, I really don't think it's even feasible to come back any sooner than six weeks.

The best case scenario would be if I end up on six weeks or less bedrest, and then hope they give me some sympathy since I will be eligible for "new" time after March 24, 2014.  Since my due date is so close to when I began my leave this year, they might give me a break and extend job protection a little longer if I will be accruing more time soon after.

But, if I were to go on bed rest at like 20 weeks, or even 30 and be on for the duration, it is unlikely that they would be so generous.  My brother is adamanet that they cannot fire me, that it is illegal, but I talked to HR the other day.  You only get a certain about of time required by law and after that, well, what can you do?  It's not like they would be "firing" me under bad terms because I am a shitty employee.  But if I need to be off work for 20 weeks plus 6 post postpartum, it is highly unlikely that they would shift things around to cover my job while I am gone.  It would be different if I was one week why and they said sorry, too bad for you.  But I understand they are a company and they need to run their business.

When I am ready to come back, if my job was somehow still availble or if they had something else open I am sure they would take me back, but it's not a guarantee something would be available.  I was really worried about this at first, but I've decided whatever happens happens, and we'll deal.  Worst case sceanrio, I go on bed rest at 20 weeks.  I am still paid and have job protection for six weeks.  After that I terminated because I can't come back to work.  So I go on Cobra, which isn't amazing of course but better than not having any insurance and we live off our savings for a while to replace my salary.  Then I can attempt to relax on bed rest and have one less thing to worry about.

Then once Boo comes, I can take the 12 weeks that I wished I could have had, and then figure out what to do about a job.  Staying home forever is not an option, but we are blessed to have the ability for me to stay home for the 12 weeks plus however long it takes to either find a new job, or get back in at my company.  I love the company I work for and I like my job well enough, but since getting my Master's Degree, I really should be making more money and doing something more in line with what I went to school for.  I've gotten too comfortable at my job and don't feel like going through the stress of making the switch.  But if the choice is made for me, it could be that blessing in disguise to give me the push I need to find a new job.

I am not wishing for bed rest....a strong healthy cervix would be # 1 best case scenario, and after just two days I can imagine how horrible bed rest it, I really don't want to experience it for weeks on end and I don't hope I lose my job.  But I'm looking for the silver lining should that happen.

My family is kind of freaking out, telling me not to worry.  I don't think I am worrying, I am finding out my options.  I can't imagine being told out of the blue that I have to go on bed rest and will likely lose my job.  THAT would make me worry.  Melissa emailed me a bunch of articles about how bed rest isn't even considerd necessary anymore and how it's an outdated solution. 

I have so much guilt over my body failing Kayla and that wasn't even my fault.  So if I were put on bed rest but ignored it and we lost the baby, I would never ever forgive myself, nor should I.  And for what, a job?  My baby and my peace of mind is way more important than a job.  

For the bedrest I was on last week.  I did follow my doctor's orders, but I honestly don't believe bed rest at 5 weeks does any good.  I don't think it hurts, but if you're going to miscarry, I don't think laying down will change anything.  But for someone with high bloodpressure in their second or third trimester?  Big difference.  Not moving around too much, not being stressed out over usual stressors like work would definitely come into play with bed rest.  And especially for my situation.  As far as I understand it, an incompetent cervix is basically like a trapdoor that gives way once too much weight is on it.

Which explains why many women with IC and a singleton pregnancy go into labor around to 20-24 week mark which is right around when the baby weighs about one pound (plus fluid and placenta weight) and the weight must become too much for a weak cervix.  Being verticle and gravity working against you puts weight on the cervix, so being horizontle and taking weight off makes sense. 

6 weeks

Oye, what a day.  I'm so happy to be 6 weeks today.  I feel like weeks 3-6 go sooooo sloooow, but after 6 weeks things start to pick up and confidence builds, and then after 9-10 weeks things really move fast.

But today was kinda of sad also, it marked four months since we lost Kayla.  Plus with the EDD coming up in two days my emotions are right on the very surface.  So I was at my desk this morning when I thought I heard a baby cry.  I look up, and sure enough Jill, the other woman on my floor that was pregnant with me brought her newborn daughter in to visit.  I got a little nervous, but they were over in her department so I figured if they stayed over there I would be ok.

By the time the baby cried for the fifth time, I decided I had had enough so I left and went to lunch a little early.  I knew I was upset, but I barely got to my car before the floodgates opened.  So I sat in my car for about 15 minutes and just cried.  It felt good though, it had been a while since I had a really good cry, so when I finally calmed down I went and got lunch but when I got back I ate in my car just in case.  When I was done I had to pee, and it had been almost an hour so I figured she must be gone by then.

I get back to my desk and after a couple minutes I see her again.  But this time she is much closer to my department.  Another lady, who is a baby fanatic and who had already went to see her earlier, went over to talk to her again and then came back to her desk holding the baby.  She sits two cubes in front of me.  Great.  So I decided it was a good time to take a package to the mailroom.  When I got back she was still there, so I stood in the hallway for a bit.  I tried to hold the tears back but I couldn't, especially when a friend walked by and asked if I was ok, which of course made me cry more.

When I told her why I was upset she was like oh I'm so sorry, and she suggested I go for a walk.  So I went to the bathroom and cried some more and when I calmed down enough I headed back to my desk, but she was STILL THERE.  I don't know Jill well enough to ask her to go away, and I wouldn't have even been able to get the words out anyway, I would have been a crying hysterical mess in front of everyone.  So I went back out to the hall and sat down.  A little bit later my co-worker walked by to go to the bathroom and she was like what are you doing sitting here all by yourself.  I didn't really answer her though and she went in the bathroom.

She came out a bit later and she was like I'm so sorry, I'm such a dummy sometimes.  Do you want me to let you know when she leaves?  I have to say, I am very happy she apologized and recognized why I was upset, but the damage was already done.  I'm angry because so many people at my work seems so oblivious of my pain.  I mean, I really don't expect people to walk on eggshells; her being there bothered me so I removed myself from the situation.  But seriously, a two hour visit is a little extreme, and why do you have to be in my department with the baby?  It's been four months, I know people don't think about it all the time like I do, but is it really so far in the back of their heads that it doesn't even remotely dawn on them to maybe not bring a newborn baby right in front of me?

If it were the other way around, if I had my baby and Jill lost hers, I am 100% certain I would be mindful of that and not stay that long and certainly not go over to her department and flaunt my kid.  In fact, once my rainbow is here, I've decided I won't be taking my baby in.  First of all, I dislike most of the people at work.  I mean, they're ok for co-workers but many of them annoy me so they don't need to see my baby.  But also because I don't even want to risk putting anyone through the pain I was in today.  You never know the struggles someone is going through.  I'll be happy to show them pictures, but bringing him or her in won't be happening.

I know nobody was doing this to purposefully hurt me, but in some ways the utter lack of sensitivty is just as painful.  It makes me angry that people are that blatantly blind to what I went through, but also because it is obvious everyone else is completely over it and have moved on.  I mean, I know they felt terrible for me when they first heard, but it's been four months.  Not only have they moved on, but they probaably think I am over it and I'm fine and it wasn't a big deal.  The biggest common thing I've heard among fellow loss moms is that we just want to be acknowledged as moms, we want our babies to be acknowledged as people and we want people to understand that it is a big deal.

So I sat out in the hall for like another 20-25 minutes and finally went back to my desk and she was gone....then I realized she was in the next department over and I kept hearing the baby cry.  Finally I emailed my boss and asked if he could politely ask if they could wrap their visit up, but it turns out they were just about to leave anyway so he didn't say anything to her.  What an absolutely shittastic day.

Can I go back to sleep now?-5 wks 6 days

I am astounded at how tired I am this time.  I mean, I know I was tired before, but this is a new level of exhaustion.  I can barely keep my eyes open at work, all I want to do when I get home is nap.  I guess that part isn't different, but the level of exhaustion is so much more.  I'm not just sleepy, it's like I need to sit down before I fall down.

The morning sickness is also new.  I haven't thrown up since Saturday but I spent Saturday night sitting in front of the toilet almost hoping I would.  We had sushi that night, which was delicious going down....but everytime I burped or dry heaved, well you get the picture.  Not so good the second time.  But aside from the unpleasantness of throwing up, I welcome the symptom.  And I am very pleased that I only seem to throw up in the evenings and when I am home.

Ok, now it's time for a small rant.  I miss my July ladies.  March is....well, right now it's puppies puking and farting rainbows.  I don't remember July being like that in the beginning, but if it was I am praying March will even out in a few weeks.  I don't care for the super heavy snark on TTGP, some is fine of course but I am not liking the other extreme either.  Lots of Yays!!!! and squeels, and I'm preggo!  A trillion questions about whether cramps are normal and wanting to know when it is safe to tell people.

Sigh....maybe I am just a bitter bitch, or maybe it's because this is my EDD week, or maybe it's just the difference of being a "second time" mom and knowing most of the answers (for now anyway, maybe I'll get to be an annoying newb after 22 weeks) ,but somedays I can't take it.  I just want to scream that we can talk like adults instead of saying yay and yippie, the word is pregnant not preggo or preggers, yes cramps are normal and it is NEVER safe to tell people, so tell them when you want.  Ugh, and the twin thing.  Everyone is obsessed with having twins.  I mean, if multiples is what you want then by all means, wish away.  But everyone that wants twins wants them because "two babies are cute, and you can dress them alike and give them rhyming names".  How about the fact that twins are much higher risk than singletons, their almost always born premature, there is twice as much poop, twice as much crying and they cost twice as much money.

If I ever got twins, of course I would love them, but it's not something I ever would wish for and I want to smack people in the face when they naively wish for twins just for the "oh so fun cuteness factor"  Ugh, I really am a bitter old hag today.  Maybe I will feel better once this week passes, but I had to get it out here before I went off on a poor excited newb.  On the bright side, I am looking forward to Kayla's balloon release on Saturday.  I can't wait to see all of the pretty balloons floating up to Heaven with messages of how much we love her.

Good ultrasound- 5 wks 2 days

Whew, we can breathe a sigh of relief.  Our ultrasound was good today; it was too early to be able to see much, but they did see the yolk sac and they were able to rule out an ectopic pregnancy which is why they wanted me in so early after the bleeding.

The tech sure did drag out the suspense though.  Before she began she said first she would take measurements of my uterus and ovaries.  If they did that with Kayla, they didn't tell me.  The last time they said exactly what they saw as soon as the image came up.  This time the tech really didn't tell us anything, she just said since it is so early, my doctor would talk to us about the results.

It made me nervous that she was being so allusive, but at the same time I had a feeling things were ok.  She smiled a lot and seemed overall like she hadn't just seen that there was nothing in my uterus.

So then we met with the doctor and as soon as she came in she asked how we were and I said nervous.  So right away she told me that they saw what they expected to see for 5 weeks, 2 days.  That was good to have confirmation.  She said the bleeding could have been from a polyp on my cervix (which it was not, my cervix was fine) or when the egg implanted it could have burrowed into a blood vessel.  She also said sometimes when the egg implants, since it only implants into one wall, the other wall could bleed.  She checked my cervix and said everything looked good.

I'm going to assume that it is like the bleeding I had last time.  It was never really explained, and never determined to have hurt anything.  Granted I didn't have it this early, but every pregnancy is different.  I think the reason it felt like so much at the time was because of the clot that gushed out.  The nurse said since I had just gotten out of bed not long before, I could have been bleeding through out the night and it just pooled inside of me and came out once the clot was heavy enough once I was upright for a while.  Otherwise it was about the same amount of bleeding I had the final time I bled with Kayla.

I just hope it doesn't continue, I want drama free.  Do you hear me Boo?  No more getting mommy's heart rate up, no more being a drama king and making everyone worry about you.  Yeah, in case I haven't said already, I think (again) it's a boy.  I know I thought that last time and was wrong, but I had that dream (exhibit A) and how different this pregnancy is from the last (exhibit B, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, diarrhea).  When we first lost Kayla, I wanted another little girl so badly, and I was afraid I would be a little dissapointed if it is a boy.  Some days I waver, but for the most part now, I would like either pretty much equally.  Sometimes I would love a little mini me again and pray for a girl, but then I think about how much fun a boy would be, hopefully one that looks like Ryan.

My next ultrasound is August 6th, I will be almost 8 weeks.  I think that will be my last time with the RE and then be sent off to my OB, which I am looking forward to since I have soooo many questions about the cerclage and how things are going to go this time.  I'm surprisingly not super tired today; I slept horribly last night, I was so nervous about the appointment today.  I went to bed around midnight.  My husband came in at 2 and I woke up and asked if it was time to get up yet.  He said no, not unless you want to sit around for 4 hours.  Then I woke up again at 4:30, frantically trying to get out of bed because I dreamed there was a snake in my bed.  It wasn't until I walked into the bathroom that I realized it was just a dream and there was not a snake in my bed.  Shudder.  Though I'll take a bad dream about a snake any day over bad ultrasound dreams.

Beta #4- 5 wks

 Update:  Good news, my betas have risen.  They are 2045 up from 769 on Saturday....So-so news, the nurse said they would have liked to have seen them a little higher, preferably between 2051 and 3000.  So I am very close to the lower limits, and I know betas are kind of subjective.  Not all doctors agree on what are good numbers and according to the beta calculator online, my doubling time is 68 hours.  For this point in my pregnancy, it says the doubling time should be between 72 and 96 hours.  My brain is admittedly not working so great today, but it sounds to me that a time of 68 hours is good.  But, above all, my numbers did not drop as I feared.  Still no more bleeding, and I have an ultrasound on Friday.  Very early, but I am praying they see something that gives us good news.  Today I am still pregnant and I am thankful.

Thanks everyone for your well wishes.  Ryan took off work today too and he went with me to get my fourth set of betas done.  The results aren't back yet, but I am on the edge of my seat waiting for that phone call.  Being a week day I'm betting they won't call until at least 2pm and it's only 11:30 now.

Yesterday morning I was 100% convinced that I was miscarrying; I mean how could I not be?  My cramps were a little more intense/different and I could barely get to the bathroom without gushing blood everywhere.  Everyone kept telling me, think positive, think positive....but I couldn't.  It was too scary to think positive.  I wanted to think the worst so that if I were wrong, it was a huge blessing.  But if not, then the results would be what I figured.  I know peope are just trying to help and be my cheerleaders, but just stop.  If thinking the worst helps me, then that's what I need to do.

However now I don't know what to think.  Even after the initial gush, I never really bled onto the pad after that.   For the next few hours my cramps came and went, but they were never as alarming as they were on my way to work, and everytime I went to the bathroom the water was bright red and I passed a few more small clots, but it's hard to say how much you're bleeding when it's coming out in the toilet.  A rather small amount of blood could still turn the water red.

By about 3 pm yesterday when I went to the bathroom the water was just tinged with brownish/light pink, and just the slightest light pink on the TP.  As the night progressed, nothing in the water, nothing on the pad, and nothing on the TP and it's been that way ever since.  I also threw up again last night, so I am hoping those are all good signs, though I am sure even with a loss there could still be enough hormones in my body to still make me throw up.  It's just frustrating because now with these new developements I've become more hopeful that things are still ok, which makes waiting for this phone call even more difficult.

Don't get me wrong, I do not want this pregnancy to be over.  I want this baby very badly and I pray he or she is my rainbow.  But yesterday when I had accepted it was over, I felt oddly ok about it.  I don't know if it's because it would be my third loss and I am kind of desensitized to it, or because we got pregnant so quickly so I was optimistic that we could try again soon or maybe because I hadn't really bonded to this pregnancy yet.  I think one of the strongest emotions I felt was relief that I didn't have to worry anymore.  The worst had happened so I could quit stressing about it.  But that's silly....if I want my rainbow, I will have to get through a pregnancy and I will worry.  I'll worry once my rainbow is here, there is no escaping that.  I even had a few thoughts flash through my head like what if this keeps happening over and over?  How many losses can we really go through before enough is enough?  Then what?  Never have more kids?  Adopt?  Adoption isn't worry free either.  First you have to find a baby, then there is the worry about the birth mother's pregnancy, then the worry about her changing her mind.  Clearly there are a lot of thoughts in my head.

My only thought as to what the bleeding could be, if this isn't over, is an SCH (Subchorionic Hematoma) which is basically a blood clot in the uterus.   I don't know much about them other than what I have googled but it does come with complications of its own, but at least I would still be in the game.

It's noon and I am hungry.  I'm hoping my husband will run out and get us some pretzel dogs from Sonic.  Those sound really good right now.

Why?-4 wks 6 days

Why does this keep happening to me?  I'm bleeding.  I was driving to work and I felt crampy....I don't know, I can't really say it was all that intense and more painful than usual but it really kicked in my pgal brain.  I kinda thought I felt something come out, but it wasn't much so I was hoping it was just progesterone gel.

When I got out of my car I felt a small gush and had to duck waddle in to the bathroom.  I was praying it was just a few days worth of progesterone build up, but no...bright red bleeding.  As I was using the bathroom I passed a clot about the size of a golf ball, maybe a little smaller.  I only had on a pantyliner so it went through my pants a bit, but thankfully not where anyone would see.

So I left work and went back out to my car and called my boss.  Thank God I had already told him I was pregnant....so I told him what was happening and that I at least needed to go home and see what my nurse wanted me to do, but I could maybe come back at one.  I figure it's over, so why miss more work.  He told me to take care of myself and worry about work later, so I headed for home and the nurse called me back.  She said to stay off my feet today and to call back if it continues to be heavy.  She still wants me to come in for my fourth betas tomorrow and stay on bed rest tomorrow as well.

So I sent my boss an email when I got home.  Due to a screw up at work with my vacation time (nobody told me that my balance was not accurate when I returned from my leave, so I ended up taking about 3 days here and there that I didn't really have and had to be in the hole/have no time to make up for it) I not only have no sick time, but I also took an unpaid day about a month ago.  I've been with the company for 8 years and that was my first unpaid day.  So there was a bit of an issue last week, if I take my old EDD off, it would be a second unpaid day and I got the feeling from my boss that he wasn't too pleased with that.  I mean....he said if I take it and it doesn't continue to be an issue, it would probably be ok but he had to tell me it is against company policy to take unpaid days.

So in addition to freaking out about miscarrying, I'm also worried about taking unpaid time off today and tomorrow.  I'm not worried about the money, I mean it sucks to have a short check, but I'm worried about looking like a crappy employee.  But if there is even a slight chance that this pregnancy could still be viable, I have to be on bedrest and my baby is more important than my job.  So I told him about needing today and possibly tomorrow off but how stressed I am about taking more time off work.  He replied and said take care of yourself and do not worry about the time off.  Whew, so I feel better now.  But obviously I am not going to take my EDD off...I wish I could, but I feel like that would be pushing it and I wouldn't even enjoy the day since I would feel guilty and stressed.  I have enough to worry about right now.

So I don't know what is happening....this is different from my first loss.  I am not sure if I had it before, but ever since then, about a day before my period starts, there are what looks like red flakes in the toilet.  Nothing on the pad or the TP....so of course this time I have been on vigilant look out for that, but I didn't have it.  No spotting or anything, just suddenly crampy and gush.  When I got home and peed, there was nothing on the pad and the water was only slightly tinged with reddish/brown, and the same on the TP.

I went to the bathroom just a bit ago, still nothing on the pad but the toilet water was bright red.  I have one wondfo left, I was going to take it and see if the line was lighter or gone, but I wasn't sure how much of what was in the cup was pee and how much was blood, so I figured it wouldn't give the most accurate result.

So I have a small sliver of hope just because the bleeding is so weird...could be an SCH or some other random bleeding.  But for the most part I think it's over.  It's super early and bleeding usually means the worst.  I cried in the car and when I called my dad, but for the most part I feel ok I guess.  Maybe my heart is just used to breaking and can't break anymore right now.  I got angry on my way home; why do some people get to skate through pregnancies and never have these issues, and here I am, possibly on my third loss and still no babies.  But, I know some people have it worse.  A woman on my BMB is on her 9th pregnancy, the 8 previous ones have not stuck.  She's been through surgeries and treatments, I can't even imagine how hard that must be.  At least I know I can get pregnant fairly easily when I actually ovulate, and I have at least gotten through first tri once and we have a good plan in place for getting me through the rest.  That gives me hope at least.

I was worried the other day because my betas didn't seem to be doing as well as last time.  Before, each draw was always higher than the bare minimum that they needed to be.  This time they doubled every 35 hours the first time, but only every 50 hours the second time.  I know the nurse said they were good, and according to the beta calculator online it was still within the normal range, but it did not go unnoticed by me.  I also realized yesterday when I was checking off the day in my pregnancy book....on that day last time, my betas were in the 2000's, but this time they would have been like 1500 yesterday if still doubling at the same rate as on Saturday.  Still, could have nothing to do with the bleeding, but it made me nervous.

Melissa is on her way over to hang with me.  I've told a few people, Ryan, my dad, my best friend....but I'm hesitant to tell anymore because they're all at work.  I don't want to ruin their day and make them worry all day at work when there is nothing they can do.  Most of all I feel bad for my husband.  I already know he hasn't dealt with his grief as well as I have....well, that sounds weird to say.  I am certaily not ok with having lost Kayla, but I know what helps me.  Blogging, talking to people, reading, etc all helps me cope, but he doesn't do any of those things.  And I can't help but feel like I am letting him down.  His sperm is like super sprerm....the three times we were really able to try when I was ovulating, I got pregnant on the first try twice, and the second try once.  I picture his sperm to have a satisfied look on it's face (if it had a face, in my head it's a cartoon sperm) wearing a superhero cape.

But my body keeps rejecting it.  It either won't let it stay, or kicks it out when half baked.  I mean, at some point it seems only logical that he's going to start blaming me.  Not because he really thinks I am at fault, or even because he wants to, but irrational anger is a bitch and sometimes it just lands on the first available person.  I called him and told him what was happening earlier, and later he text me saying he is really worried.  I sort of wonder if I shouldn't have told him while he is at work.  There is nothing he can do for me except worry all day, but it just felt wrong to be possibly miscarrying and not tell my husband right away. 

Oh hello morning sickness-4 wks 4 days

I didn't have it last time, so of course my body couldn't let me get away without it twice in a row.  Well so far today I feel ok, but last night I threw up.  A lot.  I have broken blood vessels all over my face, which I hope are mostly gone or will at least cover up with make-up tomorrow so people don't ask why I look like hell.  I also hope if the ms continues, that it happens at night again.  It will be hard to keep my little secret at work if people hear me ralphing in the bathroom.

I was also so hoarse this morning I could barely talk and the puking really hurt my throat last night.  So I don't know if it was just a random puke, or a glimpse of what is coming.  I was soooo exhausted all day yesterday, I barely did anything except for go on a few food runs for my husband and his buddies but I could barely keep my eyes open.  I napped for two hours, and went to bed at like 11:30.  For a Saturday night, that is super early for me.

I had a ton of energy today though.  I didn't nap at all and I got a lot done.  I did three loads of laundry, did the final coat of paint on the front door, made a mini-trip to the grocery store, did a few random things outside and then just did a bunch of odds and ends around the house.  I tried to make sure to rest in between and drink a lot of water.  Last time this early, I over-did it one day and had spotting and got scolded by my doctor.  I understand I have a history of loss, but really?  Is it all so fragile in there that doing too much laundry could make something bad happen?  But of course, I am not willing to risk it, thus the frequent breaks.  And aside from just being on the go all day, I really didn't do anything super strenuous or exhausting.

My dad called last night and said my secret could be out amongst some family members.  Brenda's daughter Rhonda has cerebral palsy and is basically a 7 year old in a 40 year old's body.  She loves to gossip and pretend she told stuff on accident and then apologizes profusely when everyone knows she knew full well what she was doing, lol.  So I guess she was talking to Melissa about my pregnancy (they're all up north this weekend for a cousin's wedding, my husband and I skipped out on it) and one of my younger cousins was nearby and may have overheard.

Though she doesn't have the greatest hearing and wears hearing aids.  Poor kid is a sophomore in highschool...with how small they make them now, I probably wouldn't be too worked up over them, but I feel bad for her.  Being in high school and having to wear hearing aids must be rough.  Anyway, I guess they are broken again so it's possible she didn't hear them after all.  But honestly I don't care.

My grandma gets her feathers riled up when she hears things second hand....the person with the news must tell her directly otherwise she'll be pissed.  But if she does somehow find out, oh well.  I have enough to worry about with this pregnancy, if people find out through the grapevine, or are mad or annoyed if they don't find out till closer to 30 weeks, tough shit.  I'll tell when I am good and damn ready to tell, and if I chose to let people know via facebook, they'll just have to deal with it.  And I am NOT making a special trip up north to tell my grandma in person, nor am I calling her.  I love my grandma, but we're not close at all.  It took me a good four days to work up the nerve to call her when we got engaged and tell her the news.  Not because she wouldn't approve or anything, but talking to her is just awkward, we never have anything to talk about.  This is how the conversation went:

 Me: Hi Grandma it's Amy (thank God I call her grandma so she knew it was a grandkid calling, otherwise I would have had to say who I am i.e. it's Amy your grandaughter, because I never ever call there).

Her: Hello

Me: How are you?

Her: I'm not too bad

Me: So I was just calling with some good news, Ryan and I are engaged!

Her: Oh?

Me: Yeah, it's in October, so hopefully you can make it (she didn't come...which was fine, she's old and it's a long trip for her).

Awkward silence....

Me: So how's the weather up there? (Yes, I actually asked her how's the weather)

Her: It's been a little warm.

Me: Ok well I better let you go, I'll hopfully see you soon.



 Not everyone needs to give in to her need to not hear second hand information, not all the time anyway.  And thinking of that conversation just made me miss my other grandma so much.  She and I would talk for a good hour at least, usually once a week but sometimes more, sometimes a little less if I got busy.  We'd talk about boys, and my friends, and work and just anything and everything.  Ever since I was a little kid I loved talking to her.  My mom talked to her on the phone every single day so usually about a half an hour into their conversation I would just stand there and say "I want to talk to grandma, I want to talk to grandma, please can I talk to grandma, I want to talk to grandma now."  I miss her :(

Beta #3- 4 wks 3 days

is not in yet.  But I had them done a couple hours ago and being a Saturday, hopefully they will call sooner than they did the other day.

I almost didn't make it to the hospital to get them done.  My husband brought a work truck home last night because him and a few buddies are working on our front yard landscape today so the truck was in the drive way and my car was in the garage.  Ryan went out to move the truck so I could get my car out to go, but the key wouldn't work.

I guess they've had this issue a few times with this truck.  So we waited about 30 minutes for his buddy to get here, but it was getting really close to the time the lab closes, so I watched a youtube video on how to unlock your car with a wire coat hanger, but just then his buddy showed up.  So he climbed on top of the truck, wedged the door open as far as he could with a screw driver and then used a campfire stick thing for marshmallows to slide down in and hit the unlock button.  It took about 10 minutes but he got it.

I called and they said they would stay a little late if they knew what time I would be in, and I ended up getting there just a few minutes after they would close.  But I wasn't the only one still coming in for blood, so at least they weren't solely waiting on me.  So now, I wait....and wait.  My FIL is here helping out, so I'm hoping if he is still here once we get the results I can call my MIL and tell them "together".  I want them to know no matter what, but since I'll get my results in a matter of hours, I might as well wait until I get them to spill the beans, otherwise I'll be way too nervous.

Update: Betas are 769 I think she said.  It made me a little nervous at first, because doubling every 48 hours would have been 868.  But the nurse said they are very happy with those numbers, and the beta calculating site says they should double every 31-72 hours, and this has them doubling every 50 hours.  So we're good :)  My MIL ended up stopping by afterall so we were able to tell both her and my FIL in person, and then we called my SIL and told her the news.  They are all very happy for us, but cautiously so.  I really haven't done much of anything today except go on a beer/pop run and then go get groceries for lunch that we served to everyone that helped on the landscape, but I am utterly exhausted.  I must go nap now.

Dream-4 wks 2 days

All along when I was pregnant with Kayla I had such a strong feeling she was a boy.  But a few weeks before my anatomy scan I had a dream that we had the scan, and had the results in an envelope and when we opened it, it said Girl!  It was the only inkling I had of a girl, every other "gut" feeling was totally boy.  Obviously my gut was wrong.

This time, I can't really say I have a feeling one way or the other.  If I had to make a guess, I would say girl but I think that might just be because we were in girl mode.  Last night I dreamed that we had the scan and I had to open and box, and inside was a "boy" type ornament....hmm, I wonder if this dream will prove to be right too.

I am glad it is not up to us to decide the sex, I would never be able to.  Somedays I want a girl so bad I can taste it, and other days I really want a boy.  I heard this theory, I don't even know what it's called or if there is any truth to it.  The theory is that you can tell the sex by which side of the baby the placenta (or is it the sac, I'm still fuzzy on that) is on.  I'm still really not sure which side means what, but I am anxious to get my 6 week ultrasound and compare it to Kayla's and see if they are the same, and then see if that theory was right, along with my dream. 

I have a lot of pgal moments, but I am so thankful I can still have moments here and there that I am filled with excitement and hope.

Prison orange....-4 wks 1 day

will not look good on me.  I have to keep repeating that to myself before I do anything rash.  I'm already in a horrible mood this morning....between being scared out of my mind over this pregnancy and sad because I should techically be full term right now, EVERYTHING is pissing me off.

I'm at work for five minutes and this lady in front of me starts gushing about her great-niece again.  For like the billionth time since she was born three weeks ago.  Ok it's nice that you love her and you seem to be close to your niece, but it's not your baby, or your granddaughter, or even your neice.  Your great-niece does not need to be yacked about every.single.day.

But today really took the cake.  OMG, she's so cute, I just love to see her little face.  OMG, she's so little, you just don't understand from pictures how tiny she is.  OMG, her little hand next to my sister's hand is so so tiny.  SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!  Yeah cause it's not like you work with someone who sits 10 feet away that LOST her baby three months ago.  Yeah, keep yacking about your damn great-niece you insensitive twat.  Excuse my language but I'm just so angry right now.  It just never ceases to amaze me how absorbed people are in their own lives and can't even look around and think for one second about what they're saying.

And I know it's easy for me to say this now, but I honestly with all my heart believe that if the tables were turned, I would have enough common sense to not gush about a baby so loudly and all the time in front of someone who just lost theirs.  But apparently I am one of few people in this world with any compassion and sensitivity to others.  Plus it would be totally different if she were having a normal, "inside voice" conversation with someone, but no...her loud trashy ass has to yack about it with someone three cubicles away.

Ok, on to something else before my blood pressure shoots through the roof.  Last night was my last  day of tennis.  I really wanted to keep playing, at least through this first session, having me finish up around 7 weeks along.  But I played last night for the first time since I got my BFP and I just can't do it.  I took a million breaks but I still was very winded and couldn't keep my heart rate below 150.  I wanted to play because, well I love it, but also because I didn't want to live in fear and not stay away from things that are probably ok to do.  But, I was worried the whole time and I just didn't enjoy it.

I already have so much guilt over what happened to Kayla, even though I know it wasn't something I chose or did wrong, so I don't want to continue doing something that WILL make me blame myself should something happen.  It's just not worth the risk and if I am not going to have fun anyway, what's the point?  I'll just walk, walking is good exercise and I don't think any doctor anywhere would tell me not to walk.  But had things turned out differently, I wouldn't have been playing this summer anyway.  Boo is due in March, that gives me plenty of time to recover and hopefully get back into a recognizable shape to play next year.

Beta #2-3 wks 6 days

I thought taking an FRER this morning and seeing the nice dark line would calm my nerves today as I wait for my second beta results, but it hasn't.  I am so nervous, I've got butterflies in my stomach and I swear my cramps are a little stronger today.  That could be from nerves, anytime I get very nervous or fired up mad about something my cramps seem to intensify.  Or it could be from the Crinone, I started it yesterday.  I don't know if they would set in so fast, but it was one of the side effects.

I've already ran to the bathroom twice this morning, worried and I've only been at work for 2.5 hours.  I play this little mind game...when I am nervous about going, I can't just pull down my pants and go...I do it slowly, like peeking for blood.  I guess somehow I feel like it won't hurt as bad if I slowly look rather than just do it like normal and see something.  But doing it this way, my mind often plays tricks on me.  I wore a full pad today because I am not sure how messy this Crinone is going to be.  As I am "peeking" to go to the bathroom, I spot something light colored around the edge of the pad....whew, it's just stupid little orange designs all around the edge.  I'm fine with them decorating the box or even the wrapper.  But why does the pad itself need decorations?  It's certainly not going to look pretty after normal use. 

I'm betting it will be another hour at least before I get a call, or it could be as late as this afternoon if they are really busy.  Oh please call soon, I don't know how much longer I can take this anxiety, my stomach feels like it's twisted in knots.  If I calculated correctly, my beta needs to be at least 120 today.  FX for excellent numbers!

Update: Betas are in, 207!!  Whew, I can breathe again.  That gives me about a 34.45 hour doubling time.  My next draw is on Saturday. 

Paying it forward-3wks 5 days

Before Kayla was born, burying our child was never something we thought we would have to think about, let alone have to deal with.  Thankfully most cemeteries do offer lower cost funerals and burials for little ones, but they are still often a financial burden that many families, especially young couples cannot easily afford.  Even with the lowered prices the short service, burial, and gravestone (the smallest one there was) still cost nearly $2,000.00 and there is no way we could have done that if it hadn't been for the help of our parents.

The hospital does also offer a no cost option, which is wonderful for those who cannot afford anything...but our hearts had just been broken and we had to say goodbye to our girl before we even got to really have her in our lives.  It was very important to be able to use this one and only opportunity to give her what she deserved; a chance for everyone who loved her to see her and say goodbye, a proper burial with a plaque with her name on it, showing everyone who happens by that this little girl was wanted and loved.  I am grateful to the hospital for offering a no cost option, but we just could not bear to lay her to rest amongst multiple other babies without names, just a month range and a year to show that they existed, even for a little while.

We will be forever grateful to our families for giving Kayla her own plot and her own identity.  For giving us a place to go to visit her, to adorn with flowers and butterflies and to let our daughter know that she will never be forgotten.  Since we will never be able to truly thank them for the wonderful gift they gave us, we want to help pay it forward by raising money so other grieving families can do this for their angels as well.  Please click on the link below to go to my fund raising site.  If you are able to donate, no amount is too small.  Please feel free to pass the link on to anyone that you might think would be interested as well.   Thank you!

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/AmyBilland/2013TEARSmichiganrockandwalk

3 weeks, 4 days

I am feeling pretty good at the moment.  My cramps have been way more mild this time around.  I know that things can still go wrong, cramps or no cramps...but when I am not feeling them much, I am able to keep my Pgal brain at bay a little better.  It's all about mindset...if I have less reason to worry, I can stay more calm and just feel so much better all around.  The vurps have begun....instead of morning sickness I seem to have a lot of vurps with pregnancy.  I know they are better than puking all day, but man they burn!  And they don't taste so great...but for now I welcome the old familiar symptoms.  Ryan and I went to see Despicable Me 2 today and I kept dozing off in the theater, I was soooo tired.  Oh first try exhaustion, I have missed you.  Well, not the exhaustion, but the fabulous naps, especially when my kitty snuggles up too.  I think we were the only ones in the theater without kids...well technically we took Boo (see explanation below).

I'm still taking a test every day, I have them so why not.  The wondfos have been slow to darken, so that causes me a smidge of anxiety each morning, worrying that the line will be lighter than the day before.  But by the 5 minute mark I can see them just fine....and I am still so early, only 11DPO.  I turned the digi positive today, it was my only one so I don't know how early I could have, but it's always nice to see "pregnant" in the window.

I'm still often scared to go to the bathroom and I do the panty check quite often, but I think that will subside once I have several betas done and at least one ultrasound.  I would assume my first ultrasound will be around the six week mark again....Ugh that seems so far away.  We've decided to call this baby Boo until we know the sex.  We could never think of a cute in utero name for Kayla so we just ended up calling her Baby B since our last name starts with a B.  I was watching Monsters Inc a few weeks ago and decided Boo was a cute name, and Ryan loves it as well.  Of course it was pretty funny when I told my dad.  He misunderstood and thought I meant that would be his or her name.

We still haven't told any of my inlaws.  I briefly thought maybe we could tell them at the BBQ that we're having after Kayla's balloon release on my old due date, but that would mean half the poeple there already know.  I don't feel right about that....and I sort of wish I could have waited and just told everybody at the BBQ, but that's still three weeks away.  I don't think I could have kept it in that long.  So hopefully he'll tell them soon because one of these days I am going to forget and say something to my MIL that spills the beans.

We went to my cousin's high school grad party yesterday.  One of my uncles was there that we haven't seen a quite a while.  He asked how we were doing and it was clear that he was specifically asking how we are doing since our loss.  This uncle (by marriage) doesn't have a great rep with the family....and I know he was drunk or at least well on his way there, but I told him I really appreciated him asking how we are.  So much of my extended family, while I know they grieve for us in their hearts, have kind of ran the other way when it's come to acknowledging our loss or saying anything to us.

I think I've written about this already, but Ryan's tattoo is an excellent example.  If it was anything other than a memorial tattoo, my aunts would not miss an opportunity for scolding him and playfully teasing him about getting such a big tattoo and in a visible place.  But they have not said one word about it.  So he was saying how sorry he was for us and he said how tore up he was when he heard.  He has two little girls, my cousins and my flower girls in my wedding...they are like 7 and 4...he said he cannot imagine anything having happened to them.  He said he knows we will have another baby someday and that we'll be great parents.  I so wanted to blurt out that I am pregnant, but the chances that he would tell are very high and I am just not ready for more people to know yet.  But it really touched me that he wasn't afraid to say something.

I also have to say, I am overwhelmed and so feeling the love by all of the comments on here and the shout outs I'm getting on both the Pgal board and my new BMB from my former July bumpies.  I miss you guys so much; my new BMB seems nice, but I'll never forget the amazing women on July 2013.  I love popping in and reading all about your babies and for those who have yet to come, I am so excited to hear of their arrivals.

Beta #1-3wks 2 days

First betas are 30, which for 9DPO I think are pretty good.  Last time my betas were 54 on 11DPO so already I think they are a little on the high side.  Though my next draw on Tuesday will be the important one to make sure they double properly.  The nurse freaked me out a little bit though; she left a voicemail saying they could be a little low depending on when I ovulated.  I know they need a starting point to assume from, but I wish they would just get it out of their heads that a woman likely Od on CD14.  Yeah, of course 30 would be quite low if I was actually 15DPO. 

I got new insurance a few months ago, and the Crinone is actually covered this time so I can take that instead of the progesterone suppositories.  Well, I do have a $40 copay, but in order to hopefully not feel like I am on my period all the time with those messy suppositories, I will gladly pay the $40.  I don't mind the mess...while it's not fun, that doesn't concern me.  But when you're already cramping, and then you feel stuff oozing out of you all day long, it's really hard to not run to the bathroom every two seconds convinced that you're bleeding.  Plus it will be nice to be able to go down the street to Target to get a refill instead of going to the hospital pharmacy for the suppositories since those aren't carried in stores.

I am sure the Crinone might still be a little messy, but I don't think they'll be as bad.  Last night I had the lightest pink on the TP.  It was so light I actually had to really look at it to figure out if I was actually seeing color.  It was kind of like light pink tinged CM.  Though I only saw it because I was so paranoid and kept wiping...kinda like the wipe they make you do for a clean catch urine sample.  So it's possible I had that with all my pregnancies and just never saw it because I didn't go "looking for it".  My cramps are still fairly mild, so that's been a Godsend.  I can stay pretty positive and calm when I am not cramping a lot.

When I came out from getting my blood drawn my OB was in the waiting room, visiting.  At first I didn't really see her so I started to walk out, but then I looked back and she was like "Are you trying to run out"?  So I went back and she gave me a hug and asked how I was.  I told her I got my positive yesterday and she was excited for us.  I love her, she's the best OB ever.

I told Ryan when I got home....if there is a next time (as in a second rainbow baby, I'm thinking positive here) he will not be getting a special announcement again.  He needs to be more enthusiastic to deserve a special announcement.  He's not a yippie yay kind of guy anyway, but especially this time I think he is too scared to be happy right now...which is understandable.  I took a video of him getting his surprise.  So I know he is happy, I mean he said he was ready to try again just a week after we lost Kayla, but I know he is just scared to get attached to the idea.  Plus I just don't think he puts a lot of faith into home tests, because he sounded pretty happy when I told him the blood tests confirmed it.

I was going to my dad's for a BBQ yesterday so I asked if he was ok with me telling without him.  He didn't want me to tell them period this soon but he said I can do whatever I want.  I totally understand not telling the whole world, but the people we tell now are people that will be there for us no matter what....it is scary to tell at all, but telling or not telling won't change the outcome, so we might as well have support right now. 

I took some dessert to my dad's for the BBQ and also took the two half bottles of wine that I couldn't finish from Monday.  Him and Brenda were in the kitchen so I went in, took out the bottles and said, these are half drank but I brought them here because I can't drink them anymore and I smiled....my dad was like why, aren't they good (lol) and I looked at him like "hello"!! and he was OH!  Of course Brenda didn't get it either so he was like did you hear her, she can't drink anymore and when it dawned on her she screeched and gave me a big hug and then my dad hugged me :)

Melissa and Joe got there right after.    Joe set the beer down that he brought and I was like, I can't drink those and he smiled and gave me a hug.  It felt great telling my family.  After the last few months, we need something to be happy about.

I asked Ryan today if he knows when he might feel comfortable telling his family.  I wasn't sure if he was waiting for a set thing, like seeing the heartbeat or something but he said he is fine with whenever.  I think he just needed to sleep on the news, and maybe having it confirmed with bloodwork helped.  So I think we'll call his parents and maybe sister tonight. 

I tested again this morning.  The wondfo is still light but it's not a squinter anymore and the FRER had a very nice line today.  I have about six wondfo left, but no more FRERs so I think I'll pick up some more of those, and I have one digi left that I think I'll use on Sunday.  I'm sure by 11DPO I'll be able to turn a digi positive.  I just need some reassurance between now and Tuesday.

I think this will be my mantra for the next none months; today I am pregnant, today I am happy.

BF Fucking P!!!!!-3 weeks, 1 day

Welp, I guess FF was wrong and I did ovulate, cause I'm pregnant!!  Holy shit, that is so weird to type.  I've known for all of about 30 minutes and I've gone through such an array of emotions in just that short time.  Today is only 8DPO, crazy right?  Last time I got my positive on 9DPO so I was going to wait until tomorrow, but the impatience got the best of me, especially since my temp went up quite a bit today.  So I patiently laid in bed waiting for Ryan to leave, he has a 5K this morning.  I normally go, but A. I didn't want to get up that early (but here I sit, at 7am) and B. Melissa invited me to partake in some Fourth of July sales at Ikea.

 I thought he had left, so I got up and found him waiting outside for his ride.  He forgets stuff a lot, so it was possible he would come back in so I waited, and waited.  Thankfully I didn't have to pee too bad.  Finally he left, so I took a wondfo first.  Amazingly, I calmly washed my hands, went and let the dog out (we're dog-sitting) and came back and looked.  I thought, maaaaaybe I could see something, but I needed more eyes so I went to get my cell and my glasses.  Put glasses on, discovered everything was fuzzy and realized I had slept in my contacts.  So I shined my super bright flashlight app on it and yeah, I think there is something there.

I was leery to take an FRER because last time while it was decently easy to see it on the dollar store test, I could barely see it on the FRER and I only had two left, but decided fuck it.  Who am I kidding, like I won't buy more anyway.  I was crazy calm as I saw the line forming on that one....it's light, but way way easier to see than the wondfo.  I toyed with taking a digi, but decided against it.  It's still early, and with last month's fiasco with the false positive, I just didn't feel super geeked about taking one, so I'll wait a few days on them.

My calmness quickly turned too...squeeel I'm pregnant!  I danced around a little in the bathroom and Noah (our rent-a-doggy) came in looking at me oddly and I squeaked "Auntie's pregnant"!  He didn't really care though.  So then I dropped to my knees and started praying....and crying.  I haven't been on great terms with my faith lately, but I prayed for understanding, for strength, forgiveness and above all that this is our sticky baby.

I'm going to my dad's for a BBQ today, Melissa and Joe will be there, of course along with my dad and Brenda.  Erg, I want to tell, but I don't.  According to pregnology, I am only three weeks.  Three weeks!!  That's crazy early.  But I know all too well that early or later, the worst can happen at any time.  And if the worst were to happen, I want my family to be there for me.

But when we lost Kayla, I felt such a huge sense that I had let down my family.  My brother couldn't wait to be an uncle, my dad had been dying to be a grandpa for like 15 years now, and my inlaws wanted a new grandbaby.  I gave them this huge joy, and then ripped it away from them.  Yeah, obviously I am still dealing with guilt.  I feel this enormous pressure to protect their hearts.  But like I said, I want them there for me if things should go wrong, and whether they know before hand or not, they'll be broken hearted no matter what.  Plus there is the fact that my husband might not be going today....I guess if he is ok with him telling me without him then I will, but if he isn't then I won't.  Wow, I just re-read that and realized how negative it sounds.  I mean, fear is to be expected, but I talk as if something bad WILL happen.  That was one of the things I prayed for, was strength to be excited about this baby because he or she deserves it.

So my symptoms have been pretty minimal.  I've been cramping since 2DPO...the most severe they got was around 4 or 5DPO I think, but even that wasn't as much as last time.  I don't know if this time it's different just because, or if I'll have less cramping because my ute has already stretched a decent amount.  I felt a little nauseas a few nights ago but I think that was from acid reflux, which I get a lot.  I was super tired at tennis last night.  Most of the drills require a lot of running...like you hit the ball, run to the next court and hit another, and then get back in line and do it again.  Normally I am out of breath but I push through it, but last night I just couldn't.  I had to stop and catch my breath several times, and a few times I just couldn't do all of the running required.

So FF says my EDD is March 19th, and pregnology says March 20th, and I am sure I'll get a different date from my RE and another from my OB as U/S show a better picture.  And of course, LO will come whenever it wants, though I am praying so hard it is as close to my due date as possible.  But yeah, so far my EDDs are less than a week from Kayla's angelversary.  I hope that doesn't turn out to be as hard as I fear it will be, but I am just so happy to be pregnant I'll take just about any EDD right now.  Well, since I am up so early, I am going to get Ryan's surprise together, and maybe take the dog for a walk.  He'd going home today, so one last short walk will be nice.

Please stick baby, please!

Why I didn't fail as a mother.

This article was posted on the loss board.  I thought it was wonderful, I sat at my desk at work reading it, trying so hard not to cry.  I wanted to share it here as I think it needs to be shared, but also because I need it in an accessible place so I can read it often and try to believe it.  I mean, I do believe it....but then I somehow feel like I am failing as a mother to say "Ok, I acknowledge it wasn't my fault, I've washed my hands of guilt".  I don't know if that makes any sense, but I'll work on it.


I have to tell you this.  You didn't fail.  Not even a little. 

You are not a horrible mother.

You did not chose this.  You didn't want this to happen.  You didn't do anything wrong.  It just happened.  To you.  Despite your begging, pleading, praying, hoping against all hope that it would not.  Even though everything within you was screaming no no no no no no no no no!!!!!!

God didn't do this to punish you, smite you, or to "teach you a lesson".  That is not God's way.  You could not have prevented this if you: tried harder, prayed harder, or if you were a "better" person.  Nor if you ate better, loved harder, yoga-ed more, did x, y, z to the nth degree or any other way you tried to fill-in-the-blank.  You could not have prevented this even if you could have predicted the future like no one can.

Even if you did nothing more, you are already the best mom there is because you would have done absolutely anything to keep your child alive.  To breathe your last breath to save theirs.  To choose the pain all over again just to spend one more minute with them.  That, is the ultimate kind of love.  You are the ultimate kind of mother.

So wash your hands of any naysayers, backstabbers, or anyone who sprinted the other direction when you need them the most.  Wash your hands of the people who may have falsely judged you, ostracized you, or stigmatized you because of what happened to you.  Wash your hands of anyone who has made you feel less than by questioning everything you did or didn't do.  Those whose words or looks have implied that this was somehow your fault.

This was not your fault.  This will never be your fault, no matter how many different ways someone tries to tell you it is.

And especially if that someone happens to be you.  Sometimes it's not what others are saying that keeps us shackled in shame.  Sometimes we adopt others' misguided opinions and assumptions about our situation as our own.  Sometimes it's our own inner voice that shoves us into the darkest corners of despair, like an abuser, telling us over and over and over again that we failed as mothers.  That if only this and what if that, it would never have happened.  That you woulda, shoulda, done this so your child would not have died.  This is a lie of the sickest kind.  Do not believe it, not even for a second.  Do not let it sink into your bones.  Do not let is smother that beautiful, beautiful light of yours.

Instead, breathe in this truth with every part of yourself.  You are the best damn mother in the entire world.

The kind of mother people write books about.  The kind that inspires the world.

No one else could do what you do.  No one else could ever be your child's mother as well as you can, as well as you are.  No one else could let your child's love and light shine through them the way you do.  No one else could mother their dead child as well as you do.  No one else could carry this unrelenting burden as courageously.  It is the heaviest, most torturous burden there is.

You have within you a sacred strength.  You are the mother of all mothers.  There is no one, no one, no one that could ever, ever replace you.  No one.  You were chosen to be their mother.  Yes-chosen.  And no one could parent them better in life or in death than you do.

So breathe mama, keep breathing.  Believe mama, keep believing.  Fight mama, keep fighting, for this truth to uproot the lies in your heart-you didn't fail.  You are not a failure.  Not even a little.

For whatever it's worth, I see you.  I hear you guttural sobs.  I feel your ache deep inside my bones.  And it doesn't make me uncomfortable to put my fingers as a makeshift baind-aid over the gaping hole in your heart until the scabs come, when and if they do.

It takes invincible strength to mother a child you can no longer hold, see, touch, or hear.  You are a superhero mama.  I see you fall down and get up, fall down and get up, over and over again.  I notice the grits and guts it takes to pry yourself out of bed every single day and force your bloodied feet to stand up and keep walking.  I see you walking this path of life you've been given where every breath and step apart from your child is a physical, emotional, and spiritual battleground- a fight for your own survival - a fight to quiet the insidious lies.

You are the mother of all mothers. 

Truly the most inspiring, courageous, loving mother there is- a warrior mama through and through.

For even in their death you lovingly mother them still.


- June 26th, 2013 by Angela Miller


And....today is July 1st.  I enter another month, further and further from the last time I held my baby, the last time I looked at my baby, the last time I felt her inside me, the last time I was truly happy.  It also begins what was supposed to be her birth month.  The month I had looked forward to since November, and the month I have dreaded since March.  In 26 days I should be just then meeting her, she should be looking back into my eyes, she should be wiggling and crying and be ready to go home.  Instead she's in Heaven, and I'm here.  It's just not fair.