Capture your grief, day 31

31. SUNSET REFLECTION | We have come to the end of this Capture Your Grief experience so take a big breath and a long sigh. Thank you so much to everyone who has taken part this year and especially for allowing me the grace to grieve and take my own time with posting my daily subjects. Everything kind of fell apart at the beginning of this month when the little baby that I didn’t even know I was carrying, died. Everything is kind of off balance at the moment including my physical health so I just want to let you all know that I really have appreciated you support and love during this time. On this last day, take some time out to watch the sunset from wherever you are in the world and reflect on this last month. How do you feel? What have you learned? What did you dislike? What did you like?


I couldn't get a sunset shot tonight.  We were out trick or treating at the time, but there were just too many tall trees in our neighborhood to see any of the colored sky.  So I took this pic, because it's a beautiful tree and it was right around twilight.

I really enjoyed the capture your grief project this year.  I know last year I think I started it and kind of quit part way, and previous years it was mostly through photos, which was cool, but some of the topics were hard to convey in photographs.  This year, I really liked the topics, and writing about them.  It helped me to do a lot of reflecting and coming to terms with things and thinking about my grief in ways I hadn't before.  I found myself looking forward to each day to write (despite having to often do two or three days at once).  I wish everyone peace and comfort in their grief journey.

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So Halloween was great this year for Em.  She enjoyed trick or treating last year, but there was no build up to the day and I am sure she didn't really know why she was walking around Baba's neighborhood and going door to door.  This year she's been excited about it, pointing out pumpkins and ghosts and witches and making scary faces and playing with window clings.  I'd tell her she was going to go trick or treating and she'd get really excited and she has two Halloween books that she loved reading.

On Saturday we went to my brother's house and went downtown where they were doing a trick or treat at a bunch of the businesses.  It was a nice day, in the 70's so she wore her Elsa dress that my MIL got for her to add to her dress-up trunk.  I was glad the weather was nice so she got to wear different costumes to each event, and all of her costumes this year were free!  I refuse to pay a lot for her costumes that she is going to wear for an hour or less.  Her first Halloween I did spend some on her banana costume and Ryan's gorilla, but come on....daddy gorilla and baby banana was just too cute, I had to splurge.  But that year she also wore a lady bug costume, and last year's monkey both came from second hand stores so they were probably 5 bucks each.  My MIL bought Elsa and the bumblebee she wore tonight came from my supervisor.  

So she had fun Saturday dragging her uncle around to the businesses and getting candy, and then we had dinner out and then hung out with them back at their house.  I had told her we were going a few days before to get her excited, and one day she put her purse on and said bye mama.  I asked where she was going and she said to Joe Joe's for Halloween.  Omg, so adorable.  Last night we carved pumpkins, she wasn't as into that but we of course had to do all the work so she didn't really participate but she liked seeing them with the candles in them when we were done.  So tonight once it got a little dusk and we saw others out and about, we took our little bee and went around the neighborhood.  Our next door neighbor, I am never really sure who all lives there because she has family over all the time, but her adult daughter answered the door and gave Em her candy and talked for a few.  Then we were at the next house and the mom came outside from next door and was calling me, telling me to bring Emily back so she could see her.  So we went back and she gave Em another piece and she was saying how cute she was and asking how old she is now.  We really have the best neighbors.

After a few more houses, we met up with our neighbors on the other side, so we went to a few houses with them, but their kids could not contain their excitement.  They are like 13, 11, 7, and 3 so they were all running from house to house, so we lost them after 5 houses or so.  Emily took her hood down for a few houses, and despite being great weather tonight for Halloween in Michigan, it was getting a little chilly.  I think it was around 53...so at one point I put her hood back up and she said, "that's better, thanks".

We went to this one house that I admire a lot, they have an added on second story and they put the stairs in their living room against the wall next to their drive way.  We are seriously considering adding an upstairs, and that is exactly where we would want to put our stairs too, so I was excited to go to that house so I could peek in and see how well the stairs fit.  I think our living room is bigger than theirs too, so the stairs really shouldn't take up that much room.  Ryan even asked the guy about it and he was telling us how big the upstairs is and how he wishes it was a little bigger.  Good to know.  I love walking around our neighborhood...for the most part the houses are all the same style, so it's fun to see the different things owners have done to their house over the years.  It's like a giant showroom, and we get to see how thing looks on "our house" before we do it.

I think we were out for about 30-45 minutes, she got a decent sized stash for her little self (and for mommy and daddy to steal some).  Once we were back we turned our porch light on to hand out candy.  We were giving each kid two pieces, and we ended up emptying our bowl and had to turn off the light.  There were still kids out....but I think if we had given only one to everyone, we would have had some leftover.  But I was happy to get rid of it, Em's candy is enough of a temptation, and it was good to see a lot of kids out.  It doesn't seem like as many kids trick or treat as when I was a kid.  In previous years we hardly got any kids at our door.  But the weather is part of it.  No rain, no snow and a very comfortable low 50's.  I'm so glad the first Halloween that Em was really excited for and aware of was good weather.  Last year was ok, but it did sprinkle a little, and the year before was awful, very cold and raining.  I think we took her to two or three houses and called it quits.  She was only 7 months old, she didn't care.  I'm excited to see how into Christmas she is this year!

  

Capture your grief, day 30

30. MY PROMISE TO YOU | I made a promise to my son a few years ago to live my life to the fullest in honour of him. I have succeeded and failed at that promise many time but what matters most is that it has helped me to hold onto love when there is only darkness and to always try my best to make him proud of me. What promise would you like to make to your child?


My promise I make to Kayla is to never ever let her be forgotten.  It's hard sometimes, you get the feeling that no matter how valid your thoughts and feelings are, people just sometime get sick of hearing about your dead kid.  I try not to let that get me down, just as everyone else has a right to talk about their living children, I shouldn't have to miss out on that just because one of my kids isn't here.  I may not do it all the time, but I will never stop talking about her, no matter who gets tired of hearing about it, and no matter how many people think I shouldn't.

She will always be a part of our family.  She will always be included in things.  I've said before that we hang a Christmas stocking for her every year, we shop for her for gifts (and donate in her name) and Emily and I just got done making ornaments for the tree and Kayla has one with her name on it just like the rest of us do.

I will never stop calling attention to her birthday, I will never let a birthday go by without acknowledging it or telling the world that today is my daughter's birthday.  She may be gone, but I will keep her memory alive.  I will teach Emily about her big sister and she will always have a presence in our home.

Capture your grief, day 29

29. GIVE AWAY YOUR LOVE | One of my greatest healers when it comes to mending my own broken heart has been sharing kindness with strangers. Today you are invited to perform an act of kindness. Spread kindness wherever you go today. In all your interactions, be an example of love and compassion and see if it helps your heart. You are welcome to share what you did or you can keep it private and just share how it made you feel. It is completely up to you.


To people who don't know me well, they might think I am pretty tough on the outside.  I am very opinionated and my opinions are not always sugar and spice, I have a huge vocabulary of cuss words and things to yell at people in traffic, and my sense of humor is often on the darker, sarcastic, mean side.  But honestly, I have a heart of gold and nothing makes me more happy than doing things for others, and seeing them happy.

I wouldn't say I am a people pleaser, because in a lot of cases I truly don't care what people think of me.  But I really do love to do kind things.  If I were a millionaire, I would love to just go around paying for people's things and spreading happiness.  I didn't leave the house today, so I suppose I didn't spread any cheer but I can say that when I do, it makes me feel warm inside.  Yeah yeah, the cliche "warm fuzzy feeling".  But it's true.  Despite feeling like I sometimes drew the short stick of life, I really have been very blessed in my life, and I like to see others receiving blessings as well.

Capture your grief, day 28

28. SELF COMPASSION | Self Compassion is integral to healing your broken heart. You can start to practice more self compassion by showing yourself a little more love and care. Do you have any self-care practices? What are your thoughts on taking care of yourself.


I can be pretty hard on myself, my own worst enemy sometimes.  But one thing I am learning is that I don't have to be the perfect mother, I don't have to be the perfect wife.  If I want to spend a day snuggling with Emily and watching cartoons with her, then I should and will do that.  The laundry, dishes, and whatever else will still be there tomorrow.  Losing Kayla has taught me that life is short, so short in fact that some don't even get a chance to start it.  Hopefully Emily lives to be an old lady, but even still, she will not be little forever.  One of my babies is gone, and the other will be grown up before I know it.  I take care of myself and cherish the seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months, and years with her because you never know when the last one will be, and the relationships with those we love is what is important every day.  Emily will never look back and say, "mom wasn't a very good housekeeper", but she can look back and say, "I had the best childhood being home with my mom; we had so much fun together and we snuggled a lot".

I am also trying to take care of myself by letting some of the guilt go surrounding Kayla.  I am not sure I'll ever let all of it go...she was my sweet baby and I will never be able to feel like I did all I could to protect her.  But I often feel guilty for loving Emily as much as I do, or telling a stranger that I only have one child because I just cannot deal with telling this person at Target today that my other daughter died, or not getting to the cemetery on an important day, or not putting a pumpkin at her grave for Halloween, or fresh flowers in the spring.  Kayla doesn't love me because I put flowers on her grave, or because I divulge my most painful memory to a complete stranger.  She loves me because I am her mama and I would have done anything to save her.  There is no guidebook for how to act as a bereaved mother and I am doing the best I can.

Capture your grief, day 27

27. FAMILY IS FOREVER | Your child is a part of your family forever. There will never come a day when you are no longer their parent. Until the end of time, you are family. Share about your family today. Who would be in your family portrait? Remembering that family does not have to be blood relatives.


My family portrait would of course include myself, Ryan, Kayla, and Emily.  Our parents, as they have always been such a huge support for us, regarding Kayla and just everything.  We really lucked out when it comes to parents.  My brother and his wife, and my husband's sister, brother, and their kids.  Our other nieces and nephews as well.  My grandparents have passed on, but they would have to be in it as well.  I would also include our best friends...they are definitely family to us.  I would also want to include my aunt and cousin who live in Hawaii.  Technically my great aunt and...second cousin?  It's my grandpa's aunt and her daughter.

I didn't actually meet them until I was in my 20's.  My aunt came to visit for the first time in years, so she, my grandma, my mom and I spent the day together and had lunch.  I just kind of tagged along for something to do, I didn't mind meeting my aunt, but I also wasn't dying to meet her.  Until then she was a stranger to me, whose name I heard mentioned from time to time.

Well she and I ended up clicking right away, we chatted the entire time and when she went back home I wrote to her and she wrote back, and soon we start exchanging emails.  After a few years her daughter began writing to me as well, even though I hadn't ever met her in person.  Fast forward 13 years, we all still write to each other every month or so, I sent pictures of Emily, and back when we got married they flew in for the wedding.  They have been such a blessing in my life and I am so thankful to have met them.  They are always on the edge of their seat when I have good news to share, and they are my sounding board when things aren't going well.  They would definitely be in my family portrait.

On the same topic, I read this article a while back about this family that has lost their twin boys during pregnancy.  They went on to have two girls in the years following, but of course their boys are a part of their family as well.  They had family pictures taken, and the photographer was able to photo shop in two children's shadows, and the family posed so that they were holding hands with the shadows.  It was such a beautiful picture and a lovely way to include their angels.  We have a large framed family picture on the wall, but it always makes me sad when I look at it, because we are not a family of 3.  I think going forward, I'll have Emily hold Kayla bear in our family pics, so that Kayla can be represented as well.  But I definitely want to find a photographer that can do that for us one day with a shadow for Kayla.

Capture your grief, day 26

26. #WHATHEALSYOU | Turning the WHY into What Heals You? has been one of my greatest healers. Whenever I found myself asking “why did this have to happen. Why me? Why him?” etc etc I started asking myself what heals me? I revisited passions of mine and spent a little bit of time each day giving those passions my attention. Before too long, my life started becoming beautiful again. Share about what heals you and if you are not sure, have a think about what it is you ar passionate about. What heals you if often hidden there


I would have to say first and foremost, Emily heals me.  I've said it a million times, she is and never will be a replacement for Kayla.  But I honestly don't know where I would be without her.  She is just the funniest, smartest, sweetest little girl and she makes me smile every single day.

I also love to do crafts and work on projects.  Despite being incredibly lazy at times, I really am someone who likes to stay busy.  Have too much downtime begets more down time, and laziness and lack of motivation.  Asking the impossible questions usually inevitably also means I am feeling down, and lazy and blah which also means too much time to think.  When I am busy crafting, I don't think, I just get lost in what I am doing.  I also love to plan projects...sometimes planning them and going to the store to buy the items is just as much fun as the project itself.  It's something I always look forward to.  I am always too lazy to go to the grocery store, I was even feeling a bit lazy for Target the other day (gasp, I know!) but I am always up for a trip to the craft store.

Even better when the craft involves something for Kayla.  I've done quite a few projects for her, and being in my happy place while crafting, plus doing something for her is definitely a healing passion.

Capture your grief, day 25

25. I AM | Finish these 5 sentences

I wish ________________________

I remember _______________________

I could not believe _____________________

If only _______________________

I am _____________________

I wish I could have both of my girls together, here on earth.  I wish I could watch them play, and shriek and giggle.  I wish I could watch Kayla teach her little sister things, and watch Emily look up to her big sister.

I remember how happy I was when I first saw those two pink lines.  I tested so early, it was only 9DPO and it was in the evening, so I didn't even have FMU.  I was dying to test, and I figured even if I did end up pregnant, surely it was way too soon to get a positive, so I decided to test just to get it out of my system.  I figured if I tested and got a BFN, that would hold me over until 12DPO.  But then to my utter shock and amazement, a very very faint second line popped up.  I was in disbelief, but sooo happy!

I could not believe how tiny and beautiful Kayla was.  I knew from ultrasounds that she definitely looked like a baby at that gestation.  Hell, I knew she looked like a baby at 12 weeks.  But it wasn't until she came out, and I held her that I realized just how much of a perfectly formed human being she was.  The only thing that made it obvious how young she was, was her size, and the fact that her skin was still pretty translucent.  Other than that, her facial features, lips, nose...omg her tiny little perfect nose, her little pouty chin, her little ears, exactly like mine or yours, except itty bitty....her miniature hands, with her perfect little fingers and fingernails....her fingers even had the little creases in her skin at her joints.  Her entire hand was no bigger than the tip of my thumb.  Losing her was so heartbreaking, but I cannot deny the fact that I got to witness a true miracle.  Everybody is amazed when their children are born, and we forget just how little newborns are.  But we take them for granted, most people have seen a few newborns in their day.  But to sit and look at her, marveling at all her completely normal, every day features, but to see them so tiny and  having been in the midst of growing.  To see this tiny baby, who should have still been inside me for another four months...there is just no denying that babies are miracles.

If only....oh I could go on and on with this one.  If only I had gone to the hospital sooner.  If only she could have stayed in for just two more weeks...hell even one more week, even just a couple more days could have made all the difference.  If only they had noticed my cervix shortening weeks earlier, if only there was a some sort of standard test or exam to look for signs of IC, if only there was some sort of bubble that would mimic my womb that they could have put her in to let her keep growing, if only it didn't happen to me.

I am a mother.  I have two girls.  You may only see one, but I am the mother of two, and I am strong and I am weak, and I am brave and I am scared.  I am happy and I am sad, and I am absolutely in love with my daughters.

Capture your grief, day 24

24. CONSCIOUSLY BECOMING | So many of us split our lives into a timeline of before and after our children died. Who were you before your children died? Who are you now? Who are you now in this present moment? What are you feeling? Have you been irrevocably changed by the death of your children? How are you different now? Do you love anything about the new you? Do you want and old part of you back? Who are you becoming?


Before Kayla died, I was someone who didn't ever think of having a stillborn baby in 2013.  I mean, I knew it happened, and I knew miscarriages happened and I believe I was aware of how common they were.  But I had no idea stillbirth was so common.  Each year in the US 23,600 babies will be born still, and it affects about 1 out of 160 pregnancies.  I guess when it hasn't happened to you, that doesn't seem like a whole lot, considering live births equals about 3.9 million, making stillbirth about 1%.  But when you're in that 1%, when you're that 1 out 160 women, it seems like way more.

I kind of thought stillbirth was something that happened in third world countries, or back in the 1800's.  I had known of people who had miscarriages...friends of friends, acquaintances, friend's parents who lost a baby before or after my friend was born...but I had never known anyone, personally or casually that had a baby born sleeping.

Before we were even trying to get pregnant, I was out one night with my husband in his plow truck, and somehow we got on the subject of stillbirth, and how he had read about this hospital that gave women dolls to take home, because going home empty handed is so horrible.  He said how they are allowed to hold them in the hospital, and rock them and bathe them (they're stillborn baby, not the doll).  I remember thinking and saying that I don't think I would want to, or could hold the baby and do all of that, but I understood why someone would want to.  But I also remember thinking how tragic that sounded...to go through the physical and emotional pain of labor and delivery, knowing your baby is gone and that you won't have him or her when it is all over.  So before we lost Kayla, I was naive, yet still empathetic to something I hadn't, and never thought I would, experience.  Which really makes me insane when people say rude things to me now, under the guise of just not understanding it or not having been there themselves.  Yeah, maybe you have to experience something to really know, but you can still imagine that something is horrible without having first hand experience.

After....I am more reserved, scared, angry.  I always thought I wanted two kids, and at one point I thought I would have three.  There is a part of me that enjoys having just one living child, especially on nights like tonight when she is every bit of a bratty two-year old....but I would say the fear of another loss, not wanting to be greedy after being so lucky to have our rainbow, is the biggest reason we're not having any more.  I am sure I would still have reservations, I am sure I would still be nervous that I don't know what I am getting into, but if we hadn't gone through all the loss and heartache that we did, I am quite certain we would have tried for one more after Emily.

I am angry, because...well, because my baby isn't here.  I'm not sure how someone couldn't be angry over that.  I'm fiercely protective of her and her memory.  I am grateful for Emily, and I am grateful to be a mom, but I do all those things while looking over my shoulder.  I am definitely not the once carefree, optimistic person I once was.  I often feel like, if THIS could happen, anything can, and that scares the shit out of me.  But, I would also say I am more appreciative, I snuggle Emily just a little longer, I play with her a little more.  I remember exactly how it felt when I was at my absolute lowest, rock bottom.  So pretty much any day this side of the ravine is a good day.

Capture your grief, day 23

23. SOUNDS, SEASONS + SCENTS | There are reminders of our children everywhere. We find them in songs, in scents and different seasons. Share the things that bring you closer to your children. Feel free to share a song that reminds you of them.


Butterflies of course make me think of Kayla.  Summer....July.  Despite being born in March, July reminds me of her because for 5 months, I was looking forward to July, when we would bring her home.  I envisioned walking around sweating and feeling like a whale in my last month of pregnancy, and summer birthday parties.  I pictured her being so excited for her birthday because it also meant she would be on summer break.  July represented the happy month she was supposed to come, whereas March represents the sad month she did come.  I remember thinking when we were trying again after our loss, the thought of a different due date, and a different time of year made me sad.  Because I didn't want a fall baby or a winter baby or a spring baby.  I wanted a summer baby, I wanted that baby.

Her name....I hear her name every where.  I never thought of Kayla as a super popular name.  It's not really a classic name, nor a trendy name...it kind of just falls somewhere in the middle.  I know how it goes, you never hear of something until you focus on it, then you hear it everywhere.  I had a teacher in high school that said he thought of Elvis one day, and then every day after for months, he would hear something about Elvis almost every day.  He never heard it before, because he wasn't paying attention to it.

Since we lost Kayla, I've heard the name a lot.  There is another Kayla near her grave at the cemetery.  She's a couple clients at work, she's waiting on us at a restaurant, she's a friend of a friend who just posted something on facebook.  It makes sense, the whole theory that these things have always been around, you just notice them now because you're paying attention.  But we had been paying attention to the name long before she was born, long before she was even conceived.  Six years prior on my second date with my husband, he told me that he loved the name Kayla, and that if he ever has a little girl he wanted to name her that.

It didn't take long before we started talking about a future, about marriage, about kids.  We often talked about baby Kayla whenever we would talk about our future children.  He never ever talked about a future son, just a daughter, and we always called her Kayla when discussing children.  If I wasn't feeling well, he would ask in a cute way, "is it Kayla"?  So when the ultrasound tech said "this is a girl baby", I immediately turned my head to look at my husband, smiled and said "it's a Kayla"!  So it strikes me as odd that we hear the name often since she was born, despite the fact that we had been paying attention to the name for six years prior to that.  I rarely, if ever heard the name before she was born.  It's like each time I hear it now, it's her, saying I'm here mama.  I'm still here.

Capture your grief, day 22

22. PEARLS OF WISDOM | Do you have any words of wisdom to share that you have found helpful? It could be from a writer, speaker, philosopher, maybe even a friend. Feel free to share quotes, poetry, song lyrics or just ideas. I invite you to share a message of hope for all the newly bereaved parents and loved ones out there.


One of the best thing I've heard from fellow loss moms is the idea that "it is ok to not be ok".  I think too often we feel like we need to hurry up and grieve whatever our loss is, do our crying, get it out of our system and move on.  Especially when it is a loss that is not talked about much in society, and when it was still during pregnancy and loss parents don't feel like they have permission to grieve, because some think "it wasn't a real baby" or you didn't even know the baby so what's to grieve about?

The simple but effective piece of advice is giving that permission, it is validating their loss and their feelings, and it is telling them that you're going to feel like shit, and that's ok.  You don't have to be strong for anyone, you don't have to move on.  Just take your feelings, your pain, your emptiness and just feel it.  When people ask you how you're doing, you don't have to pretend to be ok, just to avoid making them feel uncomfortable.

I also like to tell newly bereaved parents that you will be able to breathe again.  I'm honest, I won't say time heals all wounds, or that you'll be ok one day or that the pain will go away.  It won't, and not all wounds close up.  It just gets different, it becomes your new normal, and you learn to live with it.  When Kayla died, I knew the routine.  I had been through many losses before, I knew I always somehow made it through them, and was eventually "ok" on a day to day basis.  But in those first few weeks and months, when you're at your absolute darkest, it is very hard to believe that.  It's hard to see how you will ever make it out of that pitch black tunnel, with not even a hint of light at the end.

I knew I would be ok, I just didn't know how.  This was a completely different loss than I had ever been through before.  I could find no silver linings.  This was not the natural order of life.  I couldn't see that I could ever stop feeling the way I was right then.  So when you're brand new to it all, right in the very thick of the raw emotions and utter pain, it helped me to talk to people who had been through it, to see that they had not been driven mad (at least not in a noticeable way to strangers) that they had not just crumbled into a million pieces, that they were eventually able to get out of bed and face the world, to move forward, to say their child's name without breaking down before the name even made it past their lips.  Telling a bereaved parent that it is ok to not be ok, and that the pain will never go away, but you will some day be able to breathe again, to smile and laugh, is my way of being that light at the end of the tunnel for them.  It's my way of showing that someone is waiting for them at the end, to help them out.

And of course, my favorite inspirational writing is by Angela Miller.  To this day I still read it when I need a pick me up, and it still makes me cry, and it still speaks to me and it still makes me feel better.

I have to tell you this.  You didn't fail.  Not even a little.  

You are not a horrible mother.

You did not chose this.  You didn't want this to happen.  You didn't do anything wrong.  It just happened.  To you.  Despite your begging, pleading, praying, hoping against all hope that it would not.  Even though everything within you was screaming no no no no no no no no no!!!!!!

God didn't do this to punish you, smite you, or to "teach you a lesson".  That is not God's way.  You could not have prevented this if you: tried harder, prayed harder, or if you were a "better" person.  Nor if you ate better, loved harder, yoga-ed more, did x, y, z to the nth degree or any other way you tried to fill-in-the-blank.  You could not have prevented this even if you could have predicted the future like no one can.

Even if you did nothing more, you are already the best mom there is because you would have done absolutely anything to keep your child alive.  To breathe your last breath to save theirs.  To choose the pain all over again just to spend one more minute with them.  That, is the ultimate kind of love.  You are the ultimate kind of mother.

So wash your hands of any naysayers, backstabbers, or anyone who sprinted the other direction when you needed them the most.  Wash your hands of the people who may have falsely judged you, ostracized you, or stigmatized you because of what happened to you.  Wash your hands of anyone who has made you feel less than by questioning everything you did or didn't do.  Those whose words or looks have implied that this was somehow your fault.

This was not your fault.  This will never be your fault, no matter how many different ways someone tries to tell you it is.

And especially if that someone happens to be you.  Sometimes it's not what others are saying that keeps us shackled in shame.  Sometimes we adopt others' misguided opinions and assumptions about our situation as our own.  Sometimes it's our own inner voice that shoves us into the darkest corners of despair, like an abuser, telling us over and over and over again that we failed as mothers.  That if only this and what if that, it would never have happened.  That you woulda, shoulda, done this so your child would not have died.  This is a lie of the sickest kind.  Do not believe it, not even for a second.  Do not let it sink into your bones.  Do not let is smother that beautiful, beautiful light of yours.

Instead, breathe in this truth with every part of yourself.  You are the best damn mother in the entire world.

The kind of mother people write books about.  The kind that inspires the world.

No one else could do what you do.  No one else could ever be your child's mother as well as you can, as well as you are.  No one else could let your child's love and light shine through them the way you do.  No one else could mother their dead child as well as you do.  No one else could carry this unrelenting burden as courageously.  It is the heaviest, most torturous burden there is.

You have within you a sacred strength.  You are the mother of all mothers.  There is no one, no one, no one that could ever, ever replace you.  No one.  You were chosen to be their mother.  Yes-chosen.  And no one could parent them better in life or in death than you do.

So breathe mama, keep breathing.  Believe mama, keep believing.  Fight mama, keep fighting, for this truth to uproot the lies in your heart-you didn't fail.  You are not a failure.  Not even a little.

For whatever it's worth, I see you.  I hear you guttural sobs.  I feel your ache deep inside my bones.  And it doesn't make me uncomfortable to put my fingers as a makeshift baind-aid over the gaping hole in your heart until the scabs come, when and if they do.

It takes invincible strength to mother a child you can no longer hold, see, touch, or hear.  You are a superhero mama.  I see you fall down and get up, fall down and get up, over and over again.  I notice the grits and guts it takes to pry yourself out of bed every single day and force your bloodied feet to stand up and keep walking.  I see you walking this path of life you've been given where every breath and step apart from your child is a physical, emotional, and spiritual battleground- a fight for your own survival - a fight to quiet the insidious lies.

You are the mother of all mothers.  

Truly the most inspiring, courageous, loving mother there is- a warrior mama through and through.

For even in their death you lovingly mother them still.


- June 26th, 2013 by Angela Miller

Capture your grief, day 21

21. RELATIONSHIPS | How have your relationships changed? Did you lose any? Have you made new friendships?


Amazingly I did not lose any, I've actually gained some, and my current relationships actually got stronger, which I know all of the above is not common during any kind of tragedy.  I know, I lost a few friends when my mom died.  They either didn't know what to say to me and just dissapeared out of my life, or they gave me shitty advice and then acted like nothing happened.

But I think part of that had to do with the fact that I was 9 years older when I lost Kayla.  I had fewer, but better, stronger friendships.  My friends were people who were not going anywhere, and were there for me just like I knew they would be.  I made new friends who had been through the same or similar losses.  My one friend and I, we were online pregnancy buddies.  We went through very similar early miscarriages, dealt with the same infertility struggle and at the same time sought treatment from an RE, and then got pregnant within two weeks of each other.

About a month before I lost Kayla, she lost her sweet baby...she had a feeling something wasn't right and went in for an ultrasound.  Her worst fears were confirmed and she was told there was no heartbeat.  Understandably, our friendship was put on hold because it was just too painful for her to hear about my then healthy pregnancy that was going well, especially once we too found out we were having a girl.  After Kayla was born, she was one of the first people I messaged to share our devastating news, and we were once again going through very similar losses.  I sometimes wonder if we were brought into each other's lives because of what we would go through, and to pick each other up, or to just listen to the other when we were at our lowest.

A couple months later, she got pregnant with her rainbow almost exactly one week before I found out I was pregnant with mine.  It was so amazing to get to go through another pregnancy together....I was her rock on her hard days, and she was mine.  We knew what each other was fearing and scared of, and we understood each other's small, but to us, huge victories like our betas doubling on time, and hearing the heartbeat, and getting past our early to mid second tri loss dates.  Her rainbow was born March 11th, and mine came one week and one day later on March 19th.  Though we've never met in person, I consider her to be one of my very close friends and I am not sure how I would have gotten through any of the past 4 years without her.  We watch each others rainbows grow on facebook, ask each other mom questions, and remember each other's angels.  She has since gone on to sadly have another early loss, and then got pregnant with her second rainbow, who was born this past summer.  I was sad to not be pregnant again with her this time, but that just meant I was always emotionally able to help her on her hard days and she has always been supportive about my indecision, and then finally my decision to not try for any more kids.

I also became friends with a girl I went to high school with.  We didn't really hang out in the same circles back then, but when I saw her at the one and only pregnancy loss support group I went to, we have since kept in touch via facebook.  I hate that other people have gone and will continue to go through what we did, but it helps to not feel so alone, and it was nice to see a familiar face at that support group when I was so nervous about going and talk about such a painful thing.  It's nice to know that I'm surrounded by others that know what I go through.  I was also put in touch with another girl by a mutual acquaintance who lost her baby girl a year ago.  It had been long enough since my loss that I was able to offer the support and guidance that others so kindly offered to me in the beginning.  I hate that people constantly have to become a new member of this group, but I am so happy when they can find others who know what they've been through, and have come out the other side and are proof that one day, you will laugh, smile, and breath again without being in such constant pain.

The best relationship of all though is that with my husband.  The death of a child, the worst loss two people could ever go through, so often tears them apart.  It's such a hard loss to navigate and prepare for, nobody wants to think of this ever happening.  Grandparents and parents, while we want them to live forever, we do know that they will eventually pass on.  We always hope it is later rather than sooner, but when it does happen, it is at least the natural order of life.  But no one ever expects to lose a child, or wants to think about the possibility of losing them.  So when it happens, it's just inconceivable and it's so hard to deal with for yourself, let along trying to also be there for your spouse who is hurting just the same.

Next week we will be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary, and we've been together for 9.5 years.  Things haven't always been easy, we've had our ups and downs like any couple and lately we're finding ourselves on a path that has been difficult to navigate.  But my husband was my rock when Kayla died.  He was there for me, he held me up when I couldn't stand on my own, he supported me, held me while I cried, and never left my side.  In a time when we should have been struggling to keep things together, we were stronger than ever, and I give him all the credit.  A couple years ago, I went to the cemetery to visit her grave, and her stuffed animal was all wet and muddy and I just lost it.  I sat in my car next to her grave and just cried my eyes out for about half an hour.  Her teddy bear shouldn't have been sitting outside in the rain at a cemetery, it should have been clean and dry in her crib, with her.  I hated that buying stuff for her grave was all I got to buy her.  I finally calmed down and drove home, but when I walked in the door and saw my husband, I burst into tears again and fell into his arms.  Marriage is hard, and not every day is good...some days it seems like a lot of days aren't good, but I will never forget how much he was there for me during that time, and he is the only other person on this planet that knows exactly how I feel about Kayla..

Capture your grief, day 20

20. GRATITUDE | Telling people to be grateful while they are grieving is kind of absurd. You cannot force a person to feel gratitude, just like you cannot force someone to feel forgiveness. You either feel it or you don’t. I remember when I started on this journey of grief, people always said count your blessings and be grateful for what you have. I remember wanting to scream in their faces! But I took note of what they were saying and I started keeping a gratitude journal. I started writing down anything I felt grateful for and before to long gratitude lifted me out of a dark pit of despair. What are thoughts about gratitude? Do you feel it and if so, share something you are grateful for


I think feeling gratitude in regards to the surrounding grief, it is a slippery slope.  Feeling gratitude can be great, it can be uplifting, and it can give you a different perspective on things.  It can, as Carly Marie said, give you strength to be pulled out of rock bottom.  But expecting or being expected to feel gratitude in an attempt to take away your sadness is, I think, unrealistic, unfair, and quite frankly ridiculous.

I am finding that grief, and the person/thing/experience you're grieving over are their own entity and cannot be taken away from.  One's feelings about grief are not made better or worse, by anyone else's feelings or experiences.  For example, I told my MIL that I sometimes struggle with my grief over Kayla, because I lost her in pregnancy.  I often feel like I am not a "real" loss parent, because I think the world views it as not having lost a "real child".  Even I sometimes feel like I should not be allowed to feel as sad, because I do think losing an already here, in the flesh, that you can hold, living, breathing outside of your womb child would be so much harder.

I especially have that opinion because I HAVE dealt with losing Kayla and I somehow survived, but I am absolutely convinced losing Emily would just crush me beyond comprehension and I would not even be able to get out of bed, ever.  I mean of course it would, but before I lost Kayla, I am certain imagining that loss would be something I couldn't comprehend, and couldn't imagine going through and coming out the other side, relatively intact.  Before my mom died when I was 25, I probably never thought I could make it through that, and sit here 12 years later, ok.  I miss her, God I miss her.  But I am living my life, I get out of bed each morning, I remember her with smile, and I do not cry every second of the day.  I do not even cry everyday, or even every month for my mom.  I am sure if I thought about losing her before I actually did, I would have been sure that even 12 years later, I would still be completely broken without her.

It's like the saying, "you have no idea how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have".  Pain isn't relative.  Pain is pain.  When I lost Kayla, I was devastated beyond words.  I was at a loss for how this was happening.  It was inconceivable to me.  I worried about it all the time, I was very nervous during my pregnancy, but still, when it happened, I just couldn't believe it.  I worried that it would happen, but I never actually thought that it would.  Sitting there in the days after, no longer pregnant, knowing I would not be bringing my baby home in 4 months, my pain was not lessened by the knowledge that she could have been born in July, been carried to term, healthy and happy, and then something terrible could have happened to her.  Thinking of worse things, does not lessen the pain you are currently in.

 My MIL lost her first husband when they were very young, I think about 20, and they had a baby girl who was less than a year old when he died.  She was young, now alone with her daughter, and the man she thought she would spend the rest of her life with was gone.  She questioned...was it harder for her, being so young and thinking they had their whole lives ahead of them...or was it harder for that couple that had been married for 60 years, had spent every single day together, had a family together, and had been with that person for more years of their life than they had been without them.  The answer is, there is no "harder" scenario, just different.  My MIL did not miss her husband any less, just because some people have been with their spouse for more years.  She was not "ok" with her loss, just because other people experience a different loss.

So I feel like expecting someone to be grateful for what they DO have, and subsequently being less bereaved because of those things is like saying "at least" in a tragedy.  There is no at least.  No one should expect me to feel better about my loss, because "at least" I wasn't further along.  Or, "at least" I didn't have her nursery all ready, expecting to go to the hospital to give birth and bring her home.  No parent should grieve less for their child, because they "at least" have other children.

However, feeling gratitude in is own entity, completely separate from my loss, absolutely.  I feel gratitude all the time.  I was grateful to have my husband, who was so supportive when we lost Kayla.  I don't feel it was particularly healthy for him, but he put his own grief aside and he was my rock.  He was there for me to lean on when I couldn't stand on my own.  I do hope he has been able to somehow grieve on his own, and at a time when he knew I didn't need him to help me through it as much, because I think that is when tragedies like this tear people apart, when both people are grieving at the same time, and there is no one for the other to lean on.  I can only hope I was there somehow to be his rock when he needed me to be, like he was for me.

I was grateful for my doctors.  They weren't just medical professionals in charge of getting my baby out and keeping me safe.  They cared, they were heart broken, and I know they still think of my girl.  Of course not all the time; they've had hundreds of patients over the years....but I am sure there are times when a name, or some other memory will make them think of us, and think of our sweet girl.  I send them a Christmas card with Emily's picture on it every year, so surely they think back for a moment to when she was born, and think of Kayla as well.  On that same token, I was grateful for our nurses.  They were all amazing, and I know they all cared.  It wasn't just a job, they grieved with us.

I was grateful for our family.  They were there by our side, they love and miss Kayla too....for our parents, not only did they lose a granddaughter that they were so excited to meet and join our family, but they had to see their babies in pain and hurting too.  As a parent, I now know how awful that is to see your babies hurting and not being able to do anything to take away their pain.  But they were there for us, they put their own grief aside to love and care for us just like we were their helpless babies again.  They keep Kayla's memory alive, they include her in the count of their grandchildren.  They buy her things, and participate in ways to remember her.  I am very grateful for them.

I am grateful for our friends.  They didn't freeze up and freak out, not knowing what to do.  They didn't say, let me know if I can do anything, or ask if they should come.  They just came to be with us, and held our hands.  They mourned our sweet baby, and they were there for us again the following year when we were back in the hospital for a happier occasion.  They knew just how huge this was for us, as it is for any parent welcoming a new baby, but they knew the long road we had traveled to get there and there were so happy for us.

I am grateful for Emily.  I am grateful that I got another chance to hold a child of mine in my arms and take her home as I know so many parents aren't given that chance.  I am grateful for every time she makes me smile and laugh.  I am grateful for her perfect little face, that undoubtedly looks so much like her big sister's.  She will never replace Kayla, she will never take away all of the pain, but I feel like by having another little girl, I was given a small glimpse into the life I didn't get with Kayla.  Emily is her own person, and we love her so much, but I somehow feel like having another girl was meant to be, it was a gift and I am so grateful for it.

Capture your grief, day 19

19. GRIEF RITUALS | Creating rituals in grief do wonders for healing your heart. Do you have any grief rituals? Maybe something you do on special dates like birthdays or anniversaries? How do these rituals help you?


We have several.  When Emily was born, I ordered Christmas stockings for all of us and had our names put on them, including one for Kayla.  When I am buying gifts, we also buy her a new stuffed animal to put at her grave.  We put it in her stocking, and then in the spring we take it to her grave.  When fall comes, we "retire" it from the grave (and give it to Emily).  Side story about that....I actually ordered three the Christmas I was pregnant with Emily; for me, Ryan, and Kayla.  But I was too nervous to order Emily's until she was here.  I couldn't decide what to put on ours, our names, or mom and dad.  So I polled one of the boards I posted on, on The Bump asking which we should go with.  I explained that I was ordering one for our angel, but that I was too scared and superstitious to order one for Emily yet.  Most people gave me good opinions, but this one girl responded snarkily with "why are you ok with putting mom and dad on them, but not ok with ordering her stocking yet".  I responded back with, "Uh, because I am already a mom to my angel, and even if God forbid something happened to Emily, I would still be her mom",  She never responded to that, but I hope she felt really stupid for her comment.

We also take whatever dollar amount of money we would have spent on her Christmas presents and make a donation to St. Jude.  I always fill out a card when I make the donation and it gets mailed to us, saying that this donation has been made in Kayla's memory.  I ALWAYS cry when the card comes.  It makes me feel good that despite our pain, we are doing our small part to help other children, and hopefully prevent some other parents from experiencing a horrific loss.

On her birthday, we go to the cemetery and do a balloon release, even last year when it was pouring rain.  It obviously wasn't a big production, we just got out of the car, and let them go, and also got completely drenched, but it was her birthday and I simply would not accept doing it any other day.  On her first birthday, we were headed to her grave, and that section of the cemetery has only one road to get to that entire area, and the cemetery crew had this big hose going across the road, pumping water out of some of the flooded areas since we had had a lot of rainfall that spring.

You cannot drive over the hose when it is running, so any time a car needed to go down that road they had to shut the hose down.  I am normally a very accommodating person, perhaps too accommodating and I don't like to inconvenience people and or be what I fear is being rude.  So my husband was like I guess we'll have to come back another day when he saw them pumping the water.  I said nope, it's our baby's birthday, her FIRST birthday.  They're getting paid to sit there and run that hose, and it is during business hours, so we're going.

After the cemetery we usually get a cake and/or go out to dinner or something special.  We keep meaning to "adopt a grave" which is where you find a grave that looks like no one visits very often, clean it up, trim the grass around it, and leave flowers.  But with her birthday being on March 24th, it's often still quite chilly and/or snowy so we've yet to do it.  Her due date would have been July 26th, maybe this year we'll start the adopt a grave tradition to do on that day every year.

Since I was a little kid, I dreamed of one day being married and having a family.  I would write birth announcements for my fictional children, I would make silly cards on the computer and sign them with my make-believe husband (usually whoever I liked at the time) and childrens' names.  So when I was pregnant with Kayla, I was so excited to finally be able to send out a Christmas card with my real family's names on them....Love Ryan, Amy, and Kayla.  But, we didn't get to do that, among other things.  Once Emily arrived, I was not brave enough to write all of our names including Kayla's....I know I shouldn't care what people think, but it seems so weird to write Kayla's name, but it feels so wrong not to.

So I do neither, I just write "the insert last name here".  It makes me sad, because I would love to write everyone's names, but I just cannot bear to leave Kayla off.  The first year sending out cards after Emily was born, I had our last name printed on the front, and wrote Love Ryan, Amy, and Emily on the back, but the second I mailed them I felt terrible and I won't ever do that again.  Kayla is a part of our family and I cannot stand to not write her name, as if she never existed.

Capture your grief, day 18

18. HEALING THERAPIES | Have you discovered any healing therapies in your life after loss? Please share what has helped you. 


Blogging has been huge for me.  Being able to write down what I am feeling, thinking, pondering, stressing over, or just writing my baby's name for the whole world to see has helped me immensely through out this whole thing, as well as the infertility/TTC journey which was the reason I started this blog.  It has now morphed into a parenting/parenting after a loss blog.

I do not share this blog with people I know.  I suppose it is possible that someone I know reads this, it's not exactly private or hidden, but I don't advertise it to anyone (except on the TTC/parenting site I post on) and I do not direct anyone here.  It also does not appear to show on anything people I know would look at, so I am guessing most of my readers are strangers or people from the above mentioned site.  I've thought about sharing it with friends and family, but I think that would cause me to censor what I say too much.  I try not to talk about any particular people in here, and if I do I try to keep it all in a good light (though I must admit, I do think I have been upset and posted my frustration about a few people before, but hopefully if they DO somehow know about this blog and have read it, they can understand that I was just getting my pain and frustration out).

But posting on a public blog can be both good and bad.  On the good side, posting it for others to read helps with my healing.  I feel like I am being heard, I feel like people are listening, and it is therapeutic.  I have kept a private journal for years, but sometimes it just helps to write where others will see it, and may even be helped by what I am saying and feeling.

On the other hand, like I said, I think if I knew everyone I know could be reading this, it would cause me to edit what I really want to say, either because I feel like I am whining too much, or maybe so I don't sound like a horrible person when I am very honest about my feelings.  I think censoring myself because I know my readers would greatly take away from the beneficial elements of blogging.

Talking to others about my loss, who have been through one themselves, has also been very healing for me.  Knowing I am not alone, knowing that others felt this way or that way, hearing my very thoughts come out of someone else's mouth is just very reassuring and, I guess in some ways makes me feel like my feelings and thoughts are ok....I guess they should be anyway, as I firmly believe one's feelings are never wrong (though actions are a different story) but still, it helps to hear someone else say "I feel......" and for it to be the same way I feel or have felt.

Oddly enough, Pinterest has also helped me.  I have a board of quotes, and many of them are quotes about infant loss, stillbirth, and just missing someone who has passed.  I think one of the best things one can do to heal, is to feel the grief, and mourn.  At the memorial last week, the leader of the Tear's Foundation was saying how everyone grieves when they experience a loss, but not everyone mourns.  To mourn, you are actively doing things that helps you deal with your loss, rather than pushing it away and forcing yourself to move forward.  I think my husband does this, and really most men in general.  Sometimes when I am really missing Kayla, or need a good cry, or even when I am just bored, I'll browse Pinterest for quotes I like, or even just re-read the ones I have already pinned.  It can be painful sometimes because it's like ripping off the band-air and exposing the wound, but I think it is also helpful in the long run.  It takes me back to the moments in the hospital, and in the days, weeks, months and years since.  It makes me really feel my emotions about her, and sometimes it results in a good cry and then I feel better afterward.

Capture your grief, day 17

17. SACRED SPACE| Do you have a special place that you visit to be with your children? A place that you feel connected to? Maybe it is their grave, or a beautiful garden, beach or forest. Maybe it is a special spot dedicated to them in your home, like a shrine or altar. What does this place mean to you? Why that place? 


I know some people are not, they do not feel a connection, but I am definitely a "cemetery person".  With my mom, my grandparents and now Kayla, going to visit their grave, taking them flowers, bringing little decorations like spinners, or cute things for holidays always makes me feel close to them.  I remember when my mom was first buried, the mound of dirt over her grave freaked me out.  I didn't know they did that (had never really visited anyone's grave before that and definitely not fresh graves).  It creeped me, it felt like her body was in that mound.  But then one day I went after about a month or two and the mound was gone.  And THAT made me sad.  I had grown accustomed to it, and it felt like there was a physical presence of her and it was now gone.

But, I eventually grew used to that as well.  Kayla's grave didn't have the mound since it was such a small grave and it isn't very deep.  I've had several issues with her cemetery, but the immediate area around her grave is very beautiful.  She's near a nice big tree, and just about ten yards away are the mausoleums  sponsored by the hospital she was born at, so I feel a comforted with her being surrounded by other kids, in a special place just for the smallest angels.  We very rarely come across anyone else when we go, so we have a lot of privacy and peace.  Though I know others go because the graves are all decorated as well.

That first week after she was buried we probably went almost every day.  Gradually we started going less, but still a few times a month.  Now we just go when we need to feel close to her.  Usually once a month, sometimes more, sometimes less.  We always try to make it out on special holidays like mothers and fathers day, near Christmas, and of course her birthday, we always do a balloon release.  It's literally a 5 minute drive from our house, so I love that I can just go whenever I need to.  And now that Emily has a general idea that she has a sister and that we go there to visit her, I like to take her.  She even asks to go if we drive nearby.  Like last week, we were going to the grocery store and we had to drive by the cemetery and Emily said "Keya"!  I asked, do you want to go see Keya and she said yeah.

I don't know how Emily will feel about her sister as she gets older...if she will feel sad about it, or just accept it since she never got to meet her....but I like that we're so close to the cemetery that she could walk or ride her bike there anytime she wants to go, if she decided she likes spending time there alone.


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I have to write about some accomplishments that I've noticed in Emily lately.  It's really fun to see how much she changes over such a short period of time.  I've written about how she gets up on the big potty by herself now, I just have to unlock the lid, but I am thinking about just taking that off.  We'll see.  But just a couple months ago I always had to help her get her pants and underwear down, and now she does it all by herself.  Even if she has a diaper on like she just woke up from nap, she can get that off too.

She can mostly dress herself, she has a little troubles with shirts, she often tries putting her arms through the head hole, and she has troubles getting them off.  But she can put her socks and shoes on, her pants and underwear and some jackets.  Tonight I took her downstairs with me while I walked on the treadmill.  When we went back upstairs, she counted each step, 1-10 as we went up.  Well, she missed #4, but still I think that's really good for a 2.5 year old.  Now if I could just get her potty trained at night, and get her to go potty on commercial toilets.  Over the weekend I must have taken her to the potty 6-8 times while we were out and about and she'd sit there for a few seconds and then cry and want to get off, even though I was holding her.

I think partly, she says she has to potty when she is bored, or in a situation she doesn't like.  But I think part of it is also the big potties scare her.  I have that little travel seat, but I haven't been carrying the diaper bag lately, and I am loving the freedom of not bringing it with me every where (I do keep it in the car) and her seat doesn't fit in my little purse.  So I guess I need to get a slightly bigger purse to fit her seat, but not so big that I am tempted to stuff it with things and make it into another diaper bag.

Capture your grief, day 16

16. FULL MOON RETREAT | We are now half way through our Capture Your Grief experience so I wanted to take some time to retreat a little and give everyone some rest from all the thoughts and feels. This evening there is going to be a beautiful full moon rising. Google the time that it rises in your city and take some quiet time out to watch it. Share a photo of the moon rising in your part of the world and make sure you share where you watch it from. Today take regular moments out to stop what you are doing and turn your attention to your breathing. Place one hand over your belly and the other over your heart. Close your eyes, breathe deeply as you feel your own heartbeat. I will be hosting a live guided meditation on facebook and everyone is welcome to join in. I will post the time of the meditation closer to the day.


I just now read tonight's topic, so I didn't get a chance to get out and see the moon.  But oddly enough I did take a picture of it last night, because my husband came home and told me how beautiful the moon looked.  So here is the picture I took.

Capture your grief, day 15

15. WAVE OF LIGHT | October 15th Wave of Light is a very significant day of remembrance and awareness of our community calendar. At 7pm you are invited to light a candle to honour and remember all of the babies and children who have died. If everyone does this, there will be a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Share your candles and children with the world.


This year October 15th was especially meaningful for us.  The Tears Foundation, which is the organization that we walk with every September in Kayla's name and raise money for to help families lay their babies to rest, partnered with a local funeral home not far from where we live to build a monument for lost babies.  The monument was debuted last October 15th I believe, and families have the option to have their babies' name(s) added to the monument.  My in laws were so kind to offer to pay to have Kayla's name added.  So yesterday we attended a brief ceremony in honor of October 15th, and then got to see the monument for the first time, and see Kayla's name.

We met them for lunch first, and then went to the ceremony.  It was very nice, the leader of the Michigan chapter for Tears said some words, a man sang a song that he wrote for his child, they read the names of the babies on the monument and as your child's name was called you could go up and take a rose and put it in a vase and look at your child's name, and then they ended the ceremony with a couple singing A Thousand Years (which I love and always kind of deemed to be Emily's song, since we waited so long for her) and they released a dove.  It was very nice.

Afterwards we went back up to take pictures, and they had crayons and paper there to etch your baby's name off the monument.  The monument is very beautiful and I am excited to go back on a day when there is no one there to just reflect.  I think it's also a wonderful thing for parents who maybe don't have a place to visit their children's graves.

Here are a few pictures of the monument, and our candles that we lit last night for Kayla and for all the babies gone too soon.

Capture your grief, day 14

14. BELIEFS + SPIRITUALITY | Has the death of your child strengthened or changed your beliefs? Share as much or as little as you like. Please be respectful to the beliefs of others today. We are all in this together and our differences are what make this project so beautifully interesting. Choose kindness.

In the days, months and even years after we lost Kayla, I struggled a lot with my spiritual beliefs.  I would definitely say I have always been more spiritual than religious.  I am not sure if my thinking fits in with the proper definitions, but to me that means having my set of beliefs, and a personal relationship with God, but I am not really a big fan of going to church, or of what many in the "church crowd" believe.

I do hope to go to church again soon so that Emily can grow up in the church.  I do think it is important to have a foundation of learning about religion, God, and the Bible.  I truly believe that society's' straying away from church has led to a harsher world, less caring people, and more hateful acts.  But I guess I view church like I do school.  You don't always attend school for your entire life, so I don't believe you need to attend church all your life either.

I believe it is important to learn and form yourself as a caring and kind person, but after the frame work has been laid, I don't put much stock into going to church each and every Sunday forever.  I have no understanding nor tolerance of people who go to church religiously (no pun intended) but spend the rest of their week being backstabbing, mean, hateful people.  I also do not understand using religion to hate others.  I may not be passionate about all causes and groups, I may not march with them, I may not change my facebook profile picture to support them, I may not always understand them or agree with them, but I do not believe my opinion or stance on any subject gives me the green late to hate anyone.  I think religion and morals and spirituality should be summed up as, just be nice to people, dammit.  You can respect one another, without liking each other.  You can be kind, without agreeing.  One of my favorite quotes goes something like this (yes it's one of my favorites but I don't know it verbatim), do not hate others just because they sin differently from you.  So, just as an example....people who hate gays because they believe it is against God and the Bible.  Ok, but did you have pre-marital sex?  Do you use God's name in vain?  Do you sometimes think bad things about people?  have you cheated on your spouse?  Have you lied?  Have you ever done something morally wrong and/or illegal?  Nobody is perfect, nobody is without sin, so just because their sin is different from yours, doesn't make you better than them.

So, that's a little background on my religious beliefs.  I am not big on going to church, frankly I think it is boring.  I do really enjoy the sermon, but I cannot stand the sit down, stand up, sing a song, go up for communion, say a prayer that you recite by memory every single week (I personally prefer "conversations with God" rather than prayers that someone else wrote and we just memorize) and all that jazz.  I also do not believe in God's will, and the notion that God is the puppet master and we are all his puppets and everything that happens in the world is because he chooses it to.

I don't believe that I got in a car accident because it was God's will, I don't believe this person was cured of cancer because it was God's will.  I don't believe He sits up there all day, saying "you're going to die today, you're going to "live" but be brain dead, you're going to ace that test, you're going to rob that store and get away with it, your cancer is going to go into remission", etc.  I believe things happen, good or bad, and God is there to help us through those things.  We have free will, sometimes things happen because of the choices we make or don't make, and sometimes things just happen that is beyond ours or anybody's control.

When Kayla died, lots of people gave me the "it was God's will, it was God's plan, everything happens for a reason" crap.  A. it didn't make me feel ANY better, and B. I didn't believe it.  It just didn't make sense.  I was, and still am content believing that things just happen, and that God doesn't cause suffering, or choose people to make happy or devastate.  But after she died, I began to question, what was God for?  What was His purpose?  If He couldn't control anything, and if he couldn't help anything, what good does He do?  Maybe it is a contradiction, because I do pray....but then I thought, why do I pray?  I don't really believe that God will hear your prayer and say oh ok, since you prayed for it, here you go.  And things do happen all the time whether they are prayed for or not, so why do we pray?

I had an appointment with the minister at my church to talk to her about these things, but at the last minute I chickened out and canceled.  I talked to my dad, and he gave me a good perspective on things.  He and I have a very similar view point of things, and our talk made me feel a lot better.  He basically compared God to a good parent.  He created us, he loves us, but he cannot control things for us.  He has to sit back and let us make our own choices, good or bad, thus, free will.  He didn't make Kayla die, and he couldn't have saved her, but He saw my grief and he grieved with me.  It's like the poem Footprints in the sand.  When you are at your most low, and you feel like you're all alone, He cannot make your problems go away, but He will be by your side, and He will carry you when you cannot walk on your own.  I believe he allows us to feel His love and we gain strength from Him.  Now THAT makes me feel comforted.  To know that He wept with us when Kayla died, and that he held her in His arms and comforted her.  

Capture your grief, day 13

13. DEAR WORLD | What is on your heart that you want the world to know about your kind of grief? This is your day to choose your own topic. Some topic ideas are pregnancy or infertility after loss. Anxiety or PTSD. Forgiveness. Trust. What is it that you want to talk about?


I guess it would be, that we are not jealous, or bitter, or hateful.  We do not hate you because your baby didn't die.  We don't expect the world to tip toe around us, and we don't think we're the only ones to ever go through some sort of tragedy.  But we do have strong emotions, and they sometimes involve you and your family.

When you announce your pregnancy, we are happy for you.  We are!  We never want to hear about somebody going through what we went through.  When I hear of another woman, often times a stranger, that just experienced a loss, I don't think to myself, good!  Let some bad things happen to other people.  I am not happy about it, and I have spent many nights crying over a complete stranger's loss.  You've probably heard that loss moms should be treated gently when a friend or family member announces their pregnancy.  Tell them in private if you can, especially if you are a close relative or friend.  Even better, tell them in writing or social media.  It sounds all kinds of backwards, but we need to be told in a way that we can react how we naturally react, and not have to feel bad about not reacting happily to your news.  We need to be able to cry, or be angry, or be sad in private.

We don't expect the whole world to tip toe around us, but it is a courtesy that we very much appreciate.  It's simple, if you know of our pain, be kind if you can.  We don't expect you to not be happy about your good news, we don't expect you to never have kids because we lost ours.  But we would just appreciate it a lot if you could take our feelings into consideration.  I think people get upset about having to be gentle around loss moms, because they think that we think we're special, or somehow better than other people and deserve special treatment.  But trust me, being different for this reason is something NO loss mom wants.  I would give up any and all attention, I would gladly revoke my membership in the loss moms club if I could have my daughter back.  So please, instead of being annoyed, be compassionate, and be thankful that you don't have to know how we feel.

On that same topic, is fake pregnancy announcements.  It's never happened to me personally....I've seen friends comment on a post of someone they know who did it, or I read about a celebrity doing it.  But thankfully I've never had a friend or family member do this.  But again, we don't dislike them because we want the world to cradle us, and we are not uptight because we cannot take a joke.  I'm sure most loss moms have a great sense of humor, but there are just some things that are not funny, and this is one of them.  The reason they are so hurtful is because as a loss mom, we dread real announcements all the time.  I've had to unfollow many friends, family, and co-workers because I couldn't handle seeing their happy posts about their growing unborn child.  Again, not because I am not happy for them, but because it makes me sad for myself, and it is just a huge reminder that they have something I desperately want, and couldn't have.  Even now that I have Emily, real announcements are still hard to handle.  Why?  Because it is a reminder that there is yet another person who (presumably) didn't have to suffer to get their joy.  No, we don't always know what goes on behind closed doors, but when someone makes a pregnancy announcements just months after their wedding, it's probably a safe bet they didn't suffer from infertility, and hopefully not from loss (though they could have, I realize this).

So given how difficult it is for us to hear about real announcements, a fake one puts us through that same pain, except it is fake, so there was no need to do it.  We know real announcements are going to happen so we deal with them as best we can, but fake ones serve no purpose, and are not needed.  It's like I tell my husband....years ago I lived in this second story apartment, but it was an abnormally high second story.  So my dad bought me a safety rope ladder that could be hooked to the window so you can climb down.  When my now-husband saw it, he wanted to use it to climb out the window.  I said no, it's not safe, you could get hurt.  He said if it wasn't safe, they wouldn't sell it.  I said, but if you are climbing out of a window during a fire, and you fall and break your leg, it sucks that your leg is broken, but you're alive.  If you climb out when there isn't a fire, and you fall and break your leg, then you're just an idiot with a broken leg.  If we have to endure painful pregnancy announcements, we at least want it to be real, where people are so happy to be adding to their family.  Please don't add to our pain for a bad joke.  Loss parents aside, it's really not even a funny joke.  If you announce a fake pregnancy and someone is upset about the idea of you being pregnant, you'll make them mad for no reason.  If they're really excited that you're pregnant, then you just dangled happiness in front of them, only to yank it away.  So, it's just a bad idea all around.

I also want the world to know that we are not drama queens looking for attention.  I have a friend on facebook...I don't actually know her in person, but a mutual friend of ours introduced us after she also lost her baby, just a few weeks gestation further along than Kayla was.  They just marked the first year since their daughter was born sleeping, and with this being October, and October 15th coming up (National infant and pregnancy loss awareness day) she posts a lot of quotes about child loss.  I don't know if anyone has said anything to her, but I would suspect there are at least a couple people in her life that probably roll their eyes when they see them, and think "again, another one".  People who think she is posting them for attention, or so people think "poor her".  But that's not it.  We don't want attention, we don't want people to feel sorry for us.  We just want to keep our children's memory alive.  We want to acknowledge our lost children.

As a parent of a living child, I love to tell stories about Emily.  I love to post her pictures of her doing something cute, and so my friends and family can see her growing up.  I love to brag when she has done something new, or commiserate with my mom friends when she is being bad.  But I don't get to post things like that for both of my children.  I don't get to give people updates about Kayla.  I don't get to broadcast cute pictures....hell, I don't even get to post any picture of her because I am so scared that someone will say something hurtful or inappropriate because as a whole, the world doesn't want to see pictures of dead babies with bruising all over their face.  But most of all, I don't want to not acknowledge my daughter, I don't want to pretend like I only have one.  Maybe to other people, they do know I experienced a loss, but they might think I am "over" the worst of the pain and I am happy with Emily.  But in our family, in my heart, I have two daughters.  Death does not make Kayla any less a part of my family than Emily is.  Em is even getting to the age where she knows who Kayla is.  She doesn't quite understand I am sure, but when we go to the cemetery she knows we're there to see Keya, she knows when I read her the book "my baby big sister" that it's explaining to her what happened to her baby big sister.  She knows the blanket and pillow in the shadow box on her wall belonged to Keya.  I don't have one daughter, I don't have any only child, I have two girls.  And posting quotes about her and her loss is the only thing I and other loss moms get to do regarding their lost children.  No one thinks parents of living children are being drama queens, or not "getting over" how amazing their kids are.  So we'd like to be understood.  We're not seeking attention, we're just bragging about our kids too.