Friday night project- 15 wks 2 days

Seeing as how I've already spent a small fortune in memorial items for Kayla (a candle, a christmas tree ornament, Ryan's dog tags, etc) I decided to save some money and make this project.  It was $19.99 online, and by using a frame we had wedding pictures in (we've been married almost three years, I guessssss I can part with a few less wedding pictures all over the house) and some fancy paper from Michael's, it only cost me about $2.50.

In case you can't read it, it says:
Miracle
We treasure this first glimpse of you
The amazing miracle of life is true.
So small, yet awesome in what you'll become,
Grow strong and healthy our little one.
We are here dreaming and waiting,
Wishing, preparing and anticipating.
Each day is a step closer to life anew,
Each day a touch closer to holding you.

First movement? -15 wks 1 day

Ever since Kayla was born, I felt kicks.  In the first few weeks they felt like 22 week kicks, but over the months they've turned into twinges, flutters, and spasms.  I thought I was crazy, but I've heard from several moms who felt phantom kicks long after their kids were born.  I was worried I wouldn't know the difference between phantom kicks, and real kicks from Boo.  Of course after they get further along into more kicks instead of flutters I would know, but I wanted to catch the early flutters.

Well I was driving to work on Tuesday, so 14 weeks 5 days, and I felt something and it immediately caught my attention.  As I felt it I actually pictured a tiny foot jabbing me.  I still wasn't sure though, until yesterday I felt it twice more.  I first felt flutters with Kayla around 17-18 weeks, so it makes sense that I would feel a second around 14-15 weeks.  <3

Am I allowed to grieve? -14 wks 6 days

I had a session with my therapist yesterday, and I often reflect on what we talked about on my drive home.  As I have done for the past 6 months, I ranted again about how people don't understand, and how the death of a baby is so different from any other loved one's death.  I'm not going to get into the ways in which it is hard to deal with internally, but just how other's treat you.  When I came back to work after my mom died, some people left me alone, but many were eager to give their condolences, ask what happened, and just talk about it in general.

When I came back to work after losing Kayla, nobody wanted to talk about it.  They smiled and welcomed me back, but very few people were brave enough to actually ask me about it, or to talk about it at all.  Only one person in my huge family has ever said anything to us directly related to Kayla (not counting my immediate family of course) once the funeral and everything was over.

But I was thinking on my drive home yesterday, how parents of stillborn or late term pregnancy loss are stuck in no man's land when it comes to grieving.  We were too far along to be lumped in with early losses, where it's very very sad, but life will go on.  Don't get me wrong, I've had an early loss and it was awful.  Especially for people who experience multiple early losses, and never know if they will ever be able to get past 6 or 8 or 10 weeks with a pregnancy; it's very devestating.  I still wonder about my first baby, I still wonder if my feeling of him being a boy was right.  I still think about how old he would have been now and what he would have become. 

But I didn't hold him; I didn't look at his face, I didn't hold his tiny hand with my finger.  We didn't have a room set up for him, our friends and family didn't know and we weren't making grand plans for his arrival.  It hurt very badly to lose that pregnancy, but it was very very different than losing Kayla.  But on the other hand, I don't feel like we were far along enough to be considerd "parents who lost a child".

I completely acknowledge that they aren't quite on the same playing field.  Being a mom to a stillborn baby is not the same as being a mom to say, a 2 year old and having to go through their death.  I know this, and I cannot even imagine the pain.  So while it's not the same, we are still parents who lost a child.  I feel like I have all this pain, guilt, and heartbreak that I am not allowed to acknowledge by society because Kayla was not already here when she died.  But the fact of the matter is, she is my daughter, I am her mother and I lost her.  I'll never get to do the things with her that most pregnant women will eventually get to do with their babies. 

I read in another loss mom's blog about a time she told someone about the death of her son.  When asked how old he was, she replied that she lost him in her second trimester.  She said upon hearing that, the woman almost acted as if she had been conned into thinking her living, out of the womb child had died.  Like I said, I cannot imagine losing a child here on earth.  I have no doubt that that IS the worst loss a person can experience.  But it's not fair that because our children didn't make it that far, we're treated as though we shouldn't be grieving and we shouldn't be heartbroken, as if they weren't real children. 

But I feel myself doing it too....I cringe when I overhear someone saying that my husband and I lost our daughter, because I know most people assume she was already living on earth.  I feel guilty when talking to my dad's girlfriend about losing a child.  SHE put me in that category of being a parent who lost a child, but I still felt guilty because she lost her son when he was 29, so I don't feel like I should be able to consider myself in that same category.

Don't misunderstand me, I've yet to come across anybody who didn't think it was tragic and heartbreaking when they heard about Kayla.  My friends and family flocked to the hospital as soon as they heard, they cried their eyes out when they saw her; everyone expresses sympathy when they hear this is my third pregnancy but I have no children at home.  I'm not trying to say nobody cares, or that they think it is no big deal.  But six months later, I do feel like many of them feel this is something I should be over.  They probably don't understand still being completely shattered all this time later, especially when we are expecting a new baby.

Parents of stillborn children are stuck in grief limbo; we were too far along for our hearts to heal, but we weren't far enough along to be considered parents who lost a child.  Or maybe it's just all of my own anger, projected on what I think others must be thinking.  I'm so angry these days, I really can't tell the difference.

Six Months- 14 wks 5 days

In exactly 1 hour and 8 minutes, it will have been six months since my baby girl was born.  I miss her.  I want to hold her in my arms again and it makes me so angry that I'll never get to.  I never got to change her diaper, or nurse her, rock her, or see her smile.  I never got to hear her cry.  I know I don't know how I would feel if I were in that situation....maybe it would have been worse I don't know.  But of the people that I know that had their babies even for a little while....if just for a few hours or a few days, I find myself jealous of them.

Like I said, I know that's probably stupid.  They were probably given hope when their babies were born alive, only to be crushed again in a million pieces when their precious angels went to Heaven.  But right now, I would give anything to have seen my baby move, to hear her cry, to feel life as I held her, and maybe even the slight curl of her hand around my finger. 

Mommy misses you so much Kayla, and I will love you forever.


***Capture your Grief***

I'm excited to do this.  Starting on October 1st and through the 31st, the project capture your grief gives a different subject each day for you to photograph, telling your story about your grief.  The link for this year's project is here:

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/

However I think I am going to do last year's subjects instead.  Since I am new to this and they seem much more straight forward, the subjects seem like they would be easier to express through photographs.  If anyone is interested, last year's subjects are here:

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/projects/capture-your-grief-photograph-challenge

So be looking for my pictures starting next Tuesday!

I love my doctor, 14 wks 4 days

I have to back up again, despite pushing back my due date a few weeks ago, I thought I heard correctly that I was 13 weeks exactly at my last appointment, putting me at 14 wks 6 days today.  But today my doctor said 14 4, so that's what I am going to go with, and a due date of March 22nd.  It gets too confusing to keep two sets of numbers in my head.

So I saw the dietician today and she gave me a refresher, and gave me a few tips for what I might be doing wrong.  So I went grocery shopping, got a ton of stuff to make healthy snacks and meals, felt very optimistic.  I made what I know for a fact was the correct portion of carbs for dinner, tested my bloodsugar two hours later and.....130. WTF?  I was totally expecting an excellent reading of 110 or 115, not 10 points above the max.

I'm so sick of this shit.  So my doctor said if my numbers don't improve by next appt, I go on insulin.  Whatever, that's fine.  With Kayla going on insulin sounded like the worst thing in the world, I felt that I would be such a failure if I had to do that, especially earlier than third tri.  But fuck it, I'm trying, I really am.  This past weekend was bad because I had to take it easy after my surgery and we didn't really have much food in the house, and then we took a quick road trip Saturday and Sunday.  But the two weeks prior I really really stuck to my diet and ate what I thought was right and my numbers still sucked, now tonight's reading was bad after what I know was a good dinner.

I'd only be a failure if I just didn't try, but I really did.  Maybe needing to go on insulin would be for the best so maybe obsessing over my diet could be one less stress I need to deal with.  I don't know how it works with insulin, obviously I would still have to follow the diet and probably up my carb intake a little, but I'm assuming the insulin would be doing most of the work of keeping my levels regulated and keep Boo safe.  It really freaks me out to think of giving myself a shot.  My grandpa was insulin dependent for 30 years and as a kid I remember watching him pinch his tummy fat to give himself his shot, and it always icked me out.

So I saw the doctor I love today.  My high risk doctor is growing on me; but she still makes me uncomfortable when she just stares at me after we're done talking.  My doctor today is the one that delivered Kayla and I just love her.  She was there in one of the absolute worst times of my life, and I was so thankful to have a familiar face when I found out it was her that was on call and would be attending.  So she checked my stitches and said my cervix was good.  My bi-monthly cervical measurements start in two weeks.  And I scheduled my anatomy scan for two weeks after that; I'm so excited to see Boo again, and pray everything is ok.  I can't wait to find out if Boo is a boy or a girl.  It feels more real once you hear the HB and see the baby a few times, but once you know the sex, and can give it a name, everything changes.

I asked if I could be seen weekly starting at about 20 weeks until maybe 24 weeks.  I am sure the doctors know what they're doing by setting the measurements by-weekly, but as we creep closer to 22 weeks, I know I will be terrified and need that extra assurance that everything is ok, so the more I can go the better, and my doctor was fine with it.

I sort of announced at work today.  I told four friends, in addition to the two that already know.  I changed my wallpaper on my computer to an ultrasound pic, and I'm going to start wearing my more obvious maternity clothes, so hopefully the people I told can start spreading it through the grapevine, and the others can figure it out.  The people I told were great, they were very happy for me and my one friend said she would pray for us because she knows I'm facing the same issue as with Kayla.  However I did not specifically tell any of the people that I suspect might say something stupid, so we'll see in the coming weeks how that goes. 

It is not fair -14 wks 4 days

I was out running errands today and decided a stop at Kayla's grave was long overdue.  Somedays I can go and just clean up her grave and it just is what it is.  But today I was feeling very emotional.  It had been several weeks since we'd been there and it's been raining.  Her teddy bear was on its side and was soaking wet and fiIlthy and I just lost it.  I know it's going to get dirty outside.  But it's just not fair, her teddy bear shouldn't be outside and dirty, it should be clean and dry and in a crib with her.  I cried a lot, but then went on to finish my errands, but as soon as I got home burst into tears and fell into my husband's arms, crying about the teddy bear.  I just want our baby girl here with us.

My best friend- 14 wks 3 days

I have the most amazing, supportive best friend in the entire world.  She text me today, complaining that she was sick, maybe allergies and needed some Claritan.  I had a bad allergy attack last week and bought a $20 box of Claritan and I know I will lose it, or it will expire before I can ever use it all.  So I replied that if she was at work, she should stop by after and I'd give her some (she lives like 25 minutes away but works about 10 minutes from my house).  She said great, and came by on her way home.

We only get to hang out like once a month since we're both busy with life, and it's usually with her kids.  So she came in and we visited for like 45 minutes.  It was just so nice to see her when I hadn't expected to and we got to talk without interruption from adorable kiddos.  So I was telling her about my surgery and we got to talking about my pregnancy now that I have the cerclage and I was ranting about how so many people are telling me not to worry and some are acting like I'm overreacting.  And she said whenever I need to, I can talk to her about it, and she'll listen.  She'll never tell me not to worry, she'll never tell me that I am being silly or act like I'm overreacting :)  I <3 her.

When my husband text her from the hospital to tell her I was in labor, she didn't ask if she should come, she didn't tell him to keep her updated.  She said she was on her way; she got her kids situated and she came to the hospital and stayed all day.  She came back the next day, even wiped my nose for me because I was crying and boogery, lol.  She brought us lunch one day that week, was there for Kayla's funeral and luncheon afterward, was there for her balloon release and donated money for our fundraiser walk.  No questions asked, never a "well I'm not sure I can make it", she's just always been there.  I love her with all my heart and I'm the luckiest girl to have her as my best friend.  I picture us as 90 year old ladies together, long after our children have grown and moved on with families of their own and maybe after our husband's have passed, tooling around town and still having the time of our lives.


Amanda with Kayla

Cerclage- 14 wks 2 days

I survived, Boo is offically sewn in.  It was....an experience.  We got there around 8 and luckily didn't have to wait in any one place for very long.  We waited about 5-10 minutes to be taken back for my insurance card and ID and answer the set of questions I would be asked another 50 times through out the day.  Then we went up to the second floor where we waited about 5 minutes and I was taken back to start the prep.

As usual, my veins did not cooperate for survery.  Donating blood?  Sure!  Getting blood drawn?  They cooperate like a champ.  But anytime an IV comes near them, they run screaming for the hills.  So it honestly wasn't too bad, she ended up getting it on the inside of my wrist, and since that area is extra sensitive she numbed it first.  I could still feel some pain but I am sure nothing compared to what it would be without the numbing.

A nurse from L&D came down to use the doppler (in the last couple months cerclages have been moved to the main OR, they were previously always done in L&D).  They "couldn't find" my husband to get him in in time to hear the HB (my only complaint of the day, he was around the corner in the other section of the waiting room, ahem, the same place they came to get me from).  But he did get to hear it later afterwards, so all was well.

Boo's HB was a strong 160, so we continued with the prep.  I had to answer a lot of questions about losing Kayla, which honestly isn't as hard as it used to be.  But then again it's a lot easier to talk about it with medical professionals; when they hear they express their condolences, instead of looking at me like I am a freak of nature and tell me it was God's plan.  The other day when someone from anesthesia called to go over my pre-surgery procedures, she asked if it was my first pregnancy and I said third and she said oh how nice...so I knew she didn't understand my answer but I hoped it didn't come up again.  But later when she told me not to get too much activity in the days before the surgery, I said that's not a problem and how little activity I've been getting, and she asked how I do that with two kids at home.  Erg, so that's when I had to say I have no living children.

I liked how most people handled it today.  When I said it's my third pregnancy, all of the nurses today asked, do you have any at home?   I liked that they didn't just assume a third pregnancy means the first two resulted in living children.  One of my nurses came over to me before she left me in recovery and told me she hopes the third time will be a charm for me.  She showed me the picture on the back of her badge of her five children, and she told me she had 5 losses.  It's always inspiring to hear of people who ended up with multiple living children despite multiple losses.  I teared up a little bit, I love the nurses there.  So anyway, the most boring part was the hour or so after my IV was in and the time of my surgery.

When my doctor got there, we chatted for a bit and then I said my goodbyes to Ryan and they wheeled me back to the OR.  The room was FREEZING of course, and it was so bizarre to actually see the inside of an OR.  I've previously had a laparoscopy and a tonsillectomy but I've always been out before we could even get there, so it was really weird to be awake the entire time.  My biggest fear was the epidural.  When I got it with Kayla, the poke and burn was very painful and the pain that shot through my hips was pretty bad as they adjusted it.  So a nurse came and held my arms; I closed my eyes and clutched my blanket with my non-IV hand.  Once they were ready to do it my doctor came over and held my hand and put her hand on my shoulder, so it was nice to have an army of support; she knew that was the part I was fearing the most.

The poke and burn wasn't nearly as bad, and oddly enough they had to do it a few times, I am guessing because they didn't get the needle in right, but thankfully none of the times were too bad.  The pain in my hips wasn't as bad either, mostly because I was expecting it.  I had no freaking clue why I was having that pain last time.  So whew, the hardest part for me was over.  It's still not going to be my favorite thing, I'll need to do it at least twice more, once to get the cerclage out and once to give birth hopefully....and three more times if we plan to do this again.  But it's nice to have a decent experience under my belt so maybe I won't be as terrified next time.

So then we began.  Both arms were put on boards out to my sides to keep my IV and BP cuff straight and my gurney was tilted back so all I could see was the ceiling.  Despite the piles of warm blankets they stacked on me, I was shaking through out the whole procedure.  It was partly due to still being cold, but I think I just shake from the epi, it happened last time.  I also tend to get cold and shake when I am nervous and anxious so it was probably a combo of those things.  Once they started, the procedure took about 15-20 minutes.  Like I said, very weird to be awake.  All the nurses and residents were milling about, getting this, filling out paperwork, talking about what they needed and what they were doing.  I almost felt like I was in a horror novel where I am supposed to be knocked out but I woke up and nobody realized it.

The one nurse did talk to me a little bit which was a nice distraction, and they had to poke my finger to test my bloodsugar since no one did before, so another nice distraction.  I didn't feel any pain at all, but I did feel a lot of pressure, tugging and pushing.  So of course better than pain, but the feeling was pretty icky.  I often found my upper body tensed up and was glad when they were done.  I had a decent ache in my lower abdomen when they were done, but by the time I was in recovery for about 15 minutes it lessened and only got better over time.

I was a little concerned about my nurse when we first got to recovery.  She was a sweet lady, but seemed a little air headed and wasn't grasping what my doctor was telling her about my needing a straight (whatever that means) catheter if I was too numb to pee in about an hour.  As hard as I tried, I just couldn't do it, so her and another nurse did the cath a while later ( it didn't really hurt, which is what I feared and why I tried so hard to pee).  So once she gets it in, she says well urine is coming out so I must have gotten it in the right track.  Um, haha, ok, I really hope she was kidding, lol.

So I got some crackers and juice which was wonderful because I was sooooo hungry.  Actually aside from the epi, not being able to eat for so long was one of my biggest concerns.  Once I had the catheter done, I was able to get out of bed and sit in a chair.  That felt great.  Once in the chair they brought me a small can of pepsi and some more crackers.  Oooh pepsi!  I was a happy girl.  I can't have pepsi with my GD, but I decided today is kind of shot for my diet.  My meal times were all off, and it's obviously hard to stick to a diet when you can't plan the menu.  So I'm considering today a free day and I'll start fresh tomorrow.

About half an hour later I was finally feeling enough to be able to stand and go home.  Boo gave me a little scare when another lady came from L&D to use the doppler again afterwards and it took her a good couple of minutes to find the HB.  I mean, I wasn't super scared, I highly doubted anything during the procedure would hurt him, but I was very glad when I heard the thump thump thump.

Earlier when we were bored waiting for my doctor, we decided to name my IV.  Last time its name was Juicy, so I decided this one was Ivy the IV.  Which got me thinking hmm, Ivy, that's a really cute name that I never would have really liked before, but now I kind of do...a lot.  But our current girl pick is still number one, so if this one is a girl and we end up with another girl, maybe.  So all in all, it went well, I'm not exactly thrilled to do it again but when it comes time for the cerclage to come out, I'll know what to expect and be a pro.  Once again Oakwood has passed with flying colors, I didn't encounter one person today that wasn't extremely nice and helpful, and I feel better knowing Boo is snug as a bug now.  That doesn't mean I'll be anxiety free from here on out, but it definitely helps and I am praying I'll be one of the 80-85% success cases.

I'm a little sore and achy now, but nothing too horrific and looking forward to the next three days of relaxation ahead of me.  I'm bleeding, which is hard to get used to, but it's completely normal.  She expained that I shouldn't even come close to soaking a pad, and by Saturday it should be just old, brown stuff.  By the time we got home from the hospital it had lessened to a light pink, and now this evening there isn't much on the pad and only a very light pink when I wipe.  I just need a few days of taking it easy and she said walking is still absolutely fine so now that I'm getting some energy back and the weather is getting cooler, I hope to get back into walking after work.

Edit: I didn't realize there is a difference between an epidural and spinal. I had an epidural with Kayla, but yesterday I had a spinal which is just a single doze of medicine rather than the steady stream of numbing medicine for as long as you need it.  Just wanted to clear that up in case anyone was reading this thinking, you had a spinal you dummy, not an epi!  :)

Edit #2: Unless there are complications, I don't have to go back to the OR to have the cerclage removed.  It can be done in the office and she said it's pretty quick.  While I am happy it doesn't require surgery, a spinal, yada yada, I am a little nervous about having it removed in the office.  I am a huge baby when it comes to the speculum, I hate hate hate it.  So I am not looking forward to that being in for long enough to remove stitches.  Hopefully she is super quick.

Coincidences- 13 wks 6 days

Kayla was born on March 24, 2013, and Boo is due on March 22, 2014.  I've kind of come to terms with that one.  It could be really cool if Boo is born on her angelversary; a nice thing to share with his or her sister. 

But today I discovered another one.  We lost Kayla at 22 weeks 2 days.  The day I will reach 22 weeks 2 days with Boo, is November 14th, which is the one year anniversary of the day we found out we were pregnant with Kayla.  I can't decide if these are good signs or freaky coincidences.  Right now I'm leaning toward being a little freaked out.

And not really a coincidence, but just to throw in another fun fact for a boring Monday afternoon....if I make it to 2014, I will have been pregnant, at least for a little bit, for parts of 2011, 2012, 2013, and 2014. 

Rough weekend- 13 wks 5 days

I don't know if this ever happened before because I never used to have a habit of looking in the toilet after I peed.  But ever since my first loss, I get what I can only describe as red flakes in the toilet right before my period starts (or the bleeding of a miscarriage).  It's just a couple, but that always told me my period would be here the next day or so. 

So I completely freaked out on Friday at work when I used the bathroom and saw the red flakes in the toilet.  The first few times I wiped I didn't see much, but I did a "clean catch" wipe and there it was, light pink and bright red.  I immediately left work and called my doctor but I got the answering service.  It was only 1pm so I didn't think they were closed already, but being Friday I didn't know, maybe Friday's were only a half day for them.

So when I left work, I just headed for the hospital hoping they would call back on my way but they didn't.  I tried calling the doctor on call but the operator said they were still open.  I was there by then so I just went up to the office.  The front desk was just on lunch, that's why I got the message.  So after a little while the nurse called me back and thankfully found the beautiful heartbeat immediately.  So then my doctor came in to do an exam to make sure my cervix was closed which it was, thankfully.  She said it looked like the bleeding was coming from inside my cervix, so that kind of ruled out my theory of maybe a burst blood vessel on my cervix....unless maybe they can come from inside as well, I don't know.

But, as frustrating as it is that they don't know what the bleeding was from, I was so thankful for the good news that everything was ok.  Actually in retrospect, I feel a little silly for leaving work and going to the hospital.  Of course I didn't know at the time if it would pick up, but it was the teeniest amount of spotting I've ever had.  If I hadn't seen it in the toilet and hadn't done the "super wiping", I may not have even noticed it.  By the time I used the bathroom at the hopsital there was almost nothing on the TP, and nothing since then.

But like I said, seeing the signs of "my period coming" totally freaked me out.  Even after seeing the doctor, I didn't truly breathe a sight of relief until the next day when there was no more bleeding.  I guess it's always better to err on the side of caution.  I could have just gone home and used my doppler, but I know I would have totally freaked if I didn't find it within the first 5 seconds, and it usually takes a good couple of minutes to find it on a good day. 

Besides, I'm not sure anyone with two losses under their belt could react any differently at the sight of blood.  I've also had, not exactly what I would call cramps, but more just pressure in the lower abdomen.  I had it last time with Kayla, but it started much earlier around 9 or 10 weeks, and it only happened at night and it was more just like a balloon feeling in my uterus.  Like I had to lay down watching TV at night because it felt weird to sit at a 90 degree angle, like I was squishing the baby.  This time, it just started in the last week or two, but it starts earlier in the evening than it used to, and it's more uncomfortable than just a blown up feeling....it's that feeling plus wearing pants that are like two sizes too small right on my uterus, even though I'm usually wearing yoga pants at night.  Maybe it's just the difference between first time and second time.  But it's made me a little on edge.

Saturday was a lot better.  We did the Rock N Walk and walked in honor of Kayla.  We did a fundraiser too; I set a fairly small goal of $250 and we met that goal.  I found out later that $250 is the exact amount that will help one family pay for a cremation or buy a special urn.  That's really cool; it felt great to pay it forward and help others with funeral expenses since we got some amazing help from our families, but to know we raised enough to help one family made it even better. 

The attendance was fairly small but it was the first annual one here, so hopefully next year more people that would benefit from getting together with other families and walking for their angels can come.  The walking path was lined with butterflies with angels' names on them and balloons.  In the middle of the lap were rocking chairs.  So they had music, food and baked goods for donations and the idea was to just hang out with family or meet new people, walk around the path, rock in the chairs...whatever you wanted to do.  Since the spotting, my doctor advised me not to do too much walking, so my husband and I walked the first Hope lap with the other parents, and then I just kind of hung out with my dad and my inlaws and Ryan, depending on who wasn't walking at the moment.

When we first got there, Ryan and I went to find Kayla's butterfly.  We passed several until we were coming up to a pink one with the back facing us.  There were still plenty more that could have been hers, but I just had a feeling that one was hers, and it was!  So we took pics with it and at the end of the afternoon we got to take her butterfly home, and we did a balloon release.  It was a nice day; very emotional, but it felt good to do the walk.  I'd like to make it an annual thing.

GD woes- 13 wks 3 days

If gestational diabetes were a person, I would throw him out the window.  I would throw my glucometer, but it's too expensive to replace.

I don't know what I am doing wrong, I started my diet Wednesday morning and aside from I think one lunch and all of my breakfast meals, all of my readings have been too high.  My fasting readings have been crazy high, I don't think a single one has been below 100 and I need to have them be below 95.  There have been a couple of instances where I think I know what the issue was....I had a healthy lunch yesterday that would have been in the right zone, but my old boss brought me a teeny tiny portion of the grape salad she brought in.

It's my recipe, but she made it a few weeks ago using strawberry cream cheese instead of regular and wanted me to try it.  I mean yeah, she didn't stand there and watch me eat it, so I could have thrown it out and told her it was good, but I felt bad doing that.  It was such a small portion, like seriously 5 grapes so I thought maybe it would be ok.  But I'm sure grapes are high in carbs, plus they were tossed in cream cheese, sour cream and sugar (hello!) plus sprinkled with brown sugar.  Yeah so ok, I was stupid for eating it.

But all of my bed time snacks have been, or should be in the correct range and I cannot get my fasting bloodsugar down.  Well, it's gone down each day, but that just means from horrible, to bad, to still pretty bad.  I ate my snack earlier last night, thinking maybe I'd been eating it too late and while it was better than yesterday, still almost 10 points above what it should be.

I know last time around 20 weeks my numbers got harder to control, but at the very beginning like this I had no problem whatsoever.  I'm sure insulin is in my future, but it shouldn't be this early.  But again, for the most part I don't know what I am doing wrong.  I see the dietician in over a week, so hopefully she can help me figure it out.  I really hope it doesn't mean I have to eat even fewer carbs, this diet can be overwhleming enough without making it harder.

So for good news, my nurse called with the bloodwork results from the quad screening...all completely normal.  Whew, I love good results.  I looked at my old entry, Boo's measurement was the same as Kayla's and she had no signs whatsoever of any chromosomal abnormalities, so that's reassuring. 

Less than a week now until I get my cerclage in.  I'm very nervous...a little about the procedure, but more so because getting it in kind of marks the 'worrying period" for my cervix.  I think my next appointment after that will start my cervical checks, and I pray my cervix stays stable, at least until well past viability. 

Vegas Baby!- 13 wks 2 days

Our babymoon is booked!  We leave October 31st (the day after our 3rd wedding anniversary, so it's a babymoon and anniversary trip in one) so we'll get there pretty late, and then have all day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and our flight home leaves around 11pm Sunday night and we'll get home around 6am Monday morning.  We both took Monday off work too so it doesn't matter how early/late we get in.  All direct flights, no changing planes, both flights are like 3.5 hours.  And we're staying at the Luxor, I love the Luxor and always wanted to stay there.  I'm hoping I can talk my husband into seeing the shark exhibit at the mandalay bay again.

I'm like, "jumping on the bed" excited.  At first I was a little worried after I booked because I misunderstood the travel insurance.  For some reason I had it in my head that our trip was a lot more than it is, so I was thinking we would only be reimbursed for half if we have to cancel.  But then I realized my mistake today, and cancelling would mean we would be reimbursed for it all, except for the $80 we spent on the actual insurance.  Whew, so I'm feeling much better now.

Honestly though, even if I were to have some complications, as long as I'm only required to take it easy or be on modified bed rest, I say we still go (with my doctor's permission of course) and just hang out by the pool.  Why lay around at home when we can lay around in Vegas?

So for whatever reason, I always crash really hard the day after an appt.  My last two appts I was really happy afterward, felt great, felt relieved, etc.  Then the next day I'm all anxious and pgal is in full force.  I am not sure why that is.  I was a little crampy last night, but mostly I just couldn't get my brain to calm down.  I'm feeling better today though, especially since I heard the beautiful heartbeat last night.  I was just about done with it last night when my husband came in and wanted to hear it, and of course I couldn't find it then.  Our babies always become stinkers when Ryan wants to hear, or feel for a kick.  Man I can't wait till this one starts kicking. 

I decided I'm likely going to have to announce at work around when I have my anatomy scan.  At about 18 weeks was when I really started looking pregnant instead of just fat last time, and they say it happens sooner the second time.  I know I don't HAVE to tell people, but the more pregnant I look the more self conscious I'll be, wondering if people have put two and two together.  I'm already paranoid that they heard me puke that one day, or that they suspect since I leave early/come in late so often.  I think if I can make it to 18 or 19 weeks that will be good...that's almost half the pregnancy that I'll have avoided the dumb comments.  And who knows, maybe after losing Kayla, people will be afraid to comment on my pregnancy. 

So if I am telling work around then, I'm thinking maybe we'll go public on FB around 24 weeks.  I just definitely want to get past Kayla's loss milestone, and getting to Vday will be nice.  I was going to wait until Christmas, but I am FB friends with a few people from work....the more people who know, the more chance it's going to slip.  I'd rather just announce a little earlier than planned, then to constantly have to keep in mind who knows and who doesn't know so I don't spill the beans. 

We leave for Vegas just 7 weeks from today!!

NT scan, second tri!- 13 wks

My NT scan went great, I was a little nervous once we got close to the hospital, but I think that is just a conditioned response my body does; having heard the HB last night was a huge reassurance.

Boo was laying on his/her face at first, so the tech said later she thought I was going to be one of those one hour patients where the kid does not cooperate.  But he/she turned over like a champ and we were done within 5 minutes.  Kayla's didn't take long either, I make cooperative babies :)

The tech didn't tell me the measurement but she said everything looked great, and the doctor later told me it was 1.5 which if I remember right, was the same as Kayla, which is good.  Anything 3 and above warrants additional testing.

It took forever to see the doctor, which is not the norm there, but I at least still got into work half an hour before I said I would, so all is well.  Doc said I can skip the three hour glucose, which is amazing news.  I so was not looking forward to that.  She said since it hasn't been long since I had it last time, we can just assume I am, and I start the diet tomorrow.  I feel ready....I've been trying for the last few weeks, but I have trouble being serious about anything until I know IT'S TIME.  I'm headed to the grocery store after work to stock up on carb friendly foods and I'm excited about sticking to it and losing weight from here on out.  I'm also seeing the nutritionist in a couple weeks which I am happy about, I could use a refresher on the numbers and I have a few questions.

I asked my doctor for clarification about bed rest....specifically why taking weight off the cervix wouldn't help.  She said you would think it would, but there just isn't enough information to prove that it does.  But she did say if my cervix were to start to shorten, she would take me out of work if that's what would make me comfortable and that seriously lifted most of my worries about any decisions to go on bed rest.

Clearly she isn't a fan of it, and I don't think I would put myself on strict bed rest just to try to avoid the pitfalls of it, but knowing she would be supportive of my not working if it would come to that makes my decision for the worst case scenario that much better.

She also cleared us for our Vegas trip, so I can go ahead and book our trip tonight.  She thought it was weird, lol....wondered why of anywhere we want to go to Vegas.  I really don't care where we go, I want to go someplace warm, in the US (considered Mexico but decided being in a foreign country with a high risk pregnancy, just two weeks from the point when we lost Kayla wasn't a good idea), and away from here.  Besides neither of us are big gambling people; I like the slots and I'll play them a bit, but mostly we just plan to get away, maybe see some shows, eat some good food (but not too good, erg dieting while on vacation is tough) and she also cleared us to take a helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon which I am soooo excited about, and she also thought was weird, haha.

The only thing that concerns me is I mentioned being short of breathe when I first get out of bed.  She said that can happen later in pregnancy, but it concerns her some that I'm having it this early so she wants me to go for an Echocardiogram.  I'm not sure if I explained it right....obviously through out the day you don't have to think about breathing, you just do it.  I get winded going upstairs but I think that's normal for being overweight and pregnant....but in the morning, it's almost like I have to make a conscious effort to breathe, otherwise I don't and then end up having to kind of gasp a little.  I don't feel great for the first 10-15 minutes that I am up, but the worst of it is right when I get out of bed, like the time it takes me to get out of bed and walk out of the room.

Since I've had a ton of appts this month, I'm going to try to wait and schedule the Echo in October.  Hopefully it's nothing big and I just get every pregnancy symptom early.  Oh, and I am officially in the second trimester!!

Twas the night before the NT scan- 12 wks 5 days

and I am calm!!  My doppler was the best purchase I've ever made.  Since I found the HB for the first time, I've found it everytime I try, but it is still early and can take a while.  But I found it tonight pretty quickly and it stayed in one spot for a while, my husband was able to run in and listen for a few.  What a difference, last time I was so nervous the night before but this time I am mostly just excited to see Boo.

Of course we pray everything is ok and that the chances of a chromosomal issue are super low, but I feel pretty good about it.  Worrying won't change the outcome and thinking positively won't jinx it.  Plus, I've just got so many other issues to worry about, it's like I can't take on that one as well.

I ordered a few things for Kayla tonight.  I've been meaning to for a while....the one is a pink heart shaped christmas tree ornaments, it's got a 3D butterfly on it with her name and I put "Our beautiful butterfly".  That was kind of an impulse buy, I was googling and came across it.  The other thing I've had my eye on for months.  It's a sculpure of hands forming a heart with a tea light candle behind it and it comes with a butterfly to put on it.  I think it will be nice to light it on October 15th for national stillbirth and pregnancy loss awareness day.

I thought it was nice, that after I finished my purchase for the ornament, the order confirmation page said thank you for your purchase though we're sorry you had a reason to shop our gifts.  Aww, how nice.  One thing is for sure, we have so many mementos for Kayla, she will always live on in this house.

Just breathe- 12 wks 3 days

I'm sitting here on the couch, doing absolutely nothing, and I am breathing like a water buffalo.  If it's this bad now, how am I going to be when I am 8.5 months?  My husband will have to jack the volume up on the TV just to drown me out.

The round ligament pain is getting worse, I seem to get it every time I get up, and the pain sticks around for a while.  It's starting to be uncomfortable to sleep on my stomach.  Sometimes I can, especially if I hike my leg out to the side to take some of the pressure off, but like this morning I woke up really early and was in a lot of pain from being on my stomach too much.  Thank God for my mini snoogle.

I failed my one hour, big shocker.  Everyone tells me, be positive, be optimistic.  No thanks, I prefer to live in the world called reality.  I mean, it hasn't even been six months since I had GD last, and I can't say I am any healthier than I was then.  In fact I might even be worse.  I don't even need all the fingers on both hands to count how many times I have worked out in the last six months and McDonalds sounds very appealing on days where you can't stop crying and don't want to get out of bed.  I take my three hour test next Saturday.  I wish I could bypass it and assume I have it, but I guess it makes sense to see how badly I fail it so they can recommend the right treatment. 

Honestly, having GD is the best thing for me.  I'm trying to stick to my diet right now, but it's hard.  But I know once I get the official diagnosis, it will be go time.  I will become super dedicated to eating all the right foods.  It's like my brain needs to know that this is IT, I have to do it now and there is no more cheating (well at least nowhere as much as I do now).

But, I am soooo excited to get back into shape once Boo is here.  NOW I feel like I am not living in reality.  I mean, I'll be a new mom, running on no sleep and stressed out.  Is it ridiculous to think I can get back to my "engagement weight" anytime soon post partum?  I'm not talking do any crazy work outs....when I lost weight the last time, I had immediate success just walking 30 minutes a day and counting calories.  Hopefully we'll have an early spring so I can get Boo out for walks, and since we're getting a jogging stroller, hopefully after many walks they will turn into jogs.  Even if reality smacks me in the face, I think it is good to at least have a plan, and be excited for it.  I was looking at my pictures on facebook tonight, and I have very very few from the last few years.  When I was at my skinniest I was a camera whore, but now I jump out of sight, and the ones I am in, I cringe at.  I want to be in pictures with my kid, and I will be.

So I had a weird thought the other day.  My only experience with childbirth is Kayla of course; we held her, and our family held her and she spent the night in the crib next to my bed.....and I just realized, praying that all goes well, with Boo it will be nothing like that.  Boo will be needy, and crying, and need diaper changes, and she'll wake us up in the middle of the night....I know that sounds like the "duh" statement of the year, but when your first and only experience went one way, it's kind of odd to think wow....I'll be having a baby.  That needs things.  And we'll be taking them home. 

That's of course a good thing, but scary.  I guess because, when I was holding Kayla, I thought, "at least she is at peace, and we don't have to deal with all of that scary newborn stuff".  In those hours, I couldn't imagine having to actually be useful to her, because I was useless.  I was broken, I was shattered and the idea of being needed by her was so out of this world to me.  But of course, the two would't exist together.  Since I was broken, she didn't need me to take care of her, and obviously if she did need me, I wouldn't have been broken. 

I am sure there will be tears when Boo is born, and some of them will be sad tears that we didn't get to have that with Kayla.  But mostly they will be happy tears, they will be "holy fuck I did it" tears.  I just pray we get to see that day.

My mom- 12 wks 1 day

Nine years ago today I lost my mom.  Where has the time gone?  It doesn't feel like it's been that long, it feels like just yesterday.  But on the other hand, it feels like a different lifetime.  I miss her a lot.  I wanted to go to the cemetery after work, but I don't know.  It's really far, I probably wouldn't get home till about 8 and that means getting take out again because I am not going to cook that late. 

The drive is nice on days when I want to just get on the freeway and think, and of course the cemetery itself is beautiful and I like that it is out in the country.  But it's days like this that I wish it were closer so I could swing by and take her some flowers.  Not that we have ever regretted our decision, but this is just that much more reassurance that we made the right choice by not having Kayla buried out there.

Today was my last day of using Crinone (progesterone gel).  It wasn't horrible, but I am glad to be rid of it.  Last time I was nervous when I went off the progesterone, worried that something would go wrong, but I feel much better about it this time.  It also helped that my nurse said the placenta takes over at around 10 weeks and they do that two week overlap. 

It's been bothering me lately that some people seem to act as if we're overreacting with this pregnancy.  Like my worrying about being on bed rest, and my reluctance to do anything more than just walking.  I mean for God's sake, our baby didn't get the sniffles, she DIED!  As long as there are doctors out there that think bed rest is helpful, how can I not try it if circumstances present themselves?  How could I go about my day to day routine, knowing my cervix is shortening (if that happens), knowing the same damn thing could happen again, and not try to do something about it?

I trust my doctor, but trust and agreement isn't the same.  I trust that her belief based on what she has read and learned is that bed rest isn't helpful.  I think doctors are amazing, I love my doctors and I know they want the best for me and my baby.  But at the end of the day, if her opinion is wrong and we were to lose Boo, her life wouldn't be forever affected by it, at least not in the way ours is.  At the end of the day she is a human who makes judgement calls based on her opinions, and doctors are wrong all the time.

Even if bed rest is complete hooey, even if it does absolutely no good....if I didn't try it and we lost Boo, I would never ever forgive myself.  I have enough guilt over Kayla and I completely know there is nothing I did wrong or could have done different, so I will not put my baby's life in danger because some doctors don't think it is necessary, and I don't understand why some people aren't grasping that.

So what if I go on bed rest and it doesn't help?  So what if I lose my job, I'll find another one.  So what if I am bored and stir crazy.  I mean I know bed rest is way more than just being bored and stir crazy, but in the end, it is all worth it if Boo can be safely in our arms and I am sick of people acting like I'm overreacting by considering it.  They were all there, they all cried with us.  Why are people acting like this is a completely, healthy, run of the mill pregnancy when it so is not?

Ok, my rant is over, I just needed to get that out.  Speaking of bed rest, a friend of mine who went through the same thing as me has been on bed rest with her rainbow for the past two months, and has been admitted to the hospital for hospital bed rest.  Please keep her and her family, especially her little rainbow in your prayers.

Heartbeat- 11 wks 5 days

I found the heartbeat today, finally.  Well I shouldn't say finally, just shy of 12 weeks is actually a very average time to find it, but I let all the people swearing they found it at 8 weeks sway me into trying to find it way too early.  I actually feel bad for people with the doppler that shows the heartrate, because I think so many people rely on just finding anything close to the range that it should be, they don't learn what the baby's heartbeat actually sounds like.

In the weeks past, I've heard things that I may have thought, as a first time mom, could be the heartbeat but I knew it wasn't.  But the second I heard it today, a huge smile spread across my face and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was Boo.  It couldn't have come at a better time too, I got really upset last night.  The 9th anniversary of my mom's death is coming up this week, and I got upset, missing her.  Like hyperventilating upset. 

So once I calmed down I was very scared that I hurt Boo.  I mean, it's probably not as simple as that, that you can get really upset and spontaneously miscarry, but I am sure the stress isn't good for her.  So I am so thankful I found the HB today, I really really needed to hear it.  I calculated the heartrate and came up with 180.  I know it's an old wives tale, but I still think it's a girl.  My NT scan is coming up next week...I know there is a chance they can tell the sex but I am not counting on it.  Though with all of the extra monitoring I'll get, I am pretty confident we'll find out before the anatomy scan.  I'm so anxious to know if we're having another daughter or a son. 

Dream-11 wks 5 days

I had a dream last night that I gave birth now, at 12 weeks.....except she (it was a girl) was perfectly fine and she was full term somehow.  In my dream they kept referring to the whole thing as a miracle from God.  I gave birth at home, so we had to get her to the hospital to make sure she was ok, and that part was scary because being born at 12 weeks (as if that could happen) meant she may not make it, so I kept checking to make sure she was ok.  But once we were at the hospital and the doctors said she was fine, it was an amazing dream because I was just holding her and nursing....and of course we had nothing ready so I sent my husband out to buy the essentials.

It was one of those dreams where I woke up briefly a few times but was enjoying the dream so much that when I went back to sleep I was able to pick it up again.  So now I have no clue what Boo is....I've had a boy dream and a girl dream.  But I have to say, after the one last night, I know deep down I am aching for a little girl.  I feel bad saying that, because of course I would love a son with all my heart, but when I look online for nursery decor, I look for girl stuff, when I picture Boo being here, I picture a girl.  Granted I am sure some of that is just due to being used to expecting a girl. 

But having a girl scares me a little.  I already struggle with worried of replacing Kayla with Boo, and hoping Kayla understands that she'll always be in our hearts and she'll always be our first born.  So if we have another girl, I worry that will fill the void....especially if she looks like Kayla.  I'm having a hard time tonight, I miss my baby girl so much.  I've just been staring at her picture for the last few days, I just cannot stop looking at it.