So I completely freaked out on Friday at work when I used the bathroom and saw the red flakes in the toilet. The first few times I wiped I didn't see much, but I did a "clean catch" wipe and there it was, light pink and bright red. I immediately left work and called my doctor but I got the answering service. It was only 1pm so I didn't think they were closed already, but being Friday I didn't know, maybe Friday's were only a half day for them.
So when I left work, I just headed for the hospital hoping they would call back on my way but they didn't. I tried calling the doctor on call but the operator said they were still open. I was there by then so I just went up to the office. The front desk was just on lunch, that's why I got the message. So after a little while the nurse called me back and thankfully found the beautiful heartbeat immediately. So then my doctor came in to do an exam to make sure my cervix was closed which it was, thankfully. She said it looked like the bleeding was coming from inside my cervix, so that kind of ruled out my theory of maybe a burst blood vessel on my cervix....unless maybe they can come from inside as well, I don't know.
But, as frustrating as it is that they don't know what the bleeding was from, I was so thankful for the good news that everything was ok. Actually in retrospect, I feel a little silly for leaving work and going to the hospital. Of course I didn't know at the time if it would pick up, but it was the teeniest amount of spotting I've ever had. If I hadn't seen it in the toilet and hadn't done the "super wiping", I may not have even noticed it. By the time I used the bathroom at the hopsital there was almost nothing on the TP, and nothing since then.
But like I said, seeing the signs of "my period coming" totally freaked me out. Even after seeing the doctor, I didn't truly breathe a sight of relief until the next day when there was no more bleeding. I guess it's always better to err on the side of caution. I could have just gone home and used my doppler, but I know I would have totally freaked if I didn't find it within the first 5 seconds, and it usually takes a good couple of minutes to find it on a good day.
Besides, I'm not sure anyone with two losses under their belt could react any differently at the sight of blood. I've also had, not exactly what I would call cramps, but more just pressure in the lower abdomen. I had it last time with Kayla, but it started much earlier around 9 or 10 weeks, and it only happened at night and it was more just like a balloon feeling in my uterus. Like I had to lay down watching TV at night because it felt weird to sit at a 90 degree angle, like I was squishing the baby. This time, it just started in the last week or two, but it starts earlier in the evening than it used to, and it's more uncomfortable than just a blown up feeling....it's that feeling plus wearing pants that are like two sizes too small right on my uterus, even though I'm usually wearing yoga pants at night. Maybe it's just the difference between first time and second time. But it's made me a little on edge.
Saturday was a lot better. We did the Rock N Walk and walked in honor of Kayla. We did a fundraiser too; I set a fairly small goal of $250 and we met that goal. I found out later that $250 is the exact amount that will help one family pay for a cremation or buy a special urn. That's really cool; it felt great to pay it forward and help others with funeral expenses since we got some amazing help from our families, but to know we raised enough to help one family made it even better.
The attendance was fairly small but it was the first annual one here, so hopefully next year more people that would benefit from getting together with other families and walking for their angels can come. The walking path was lined with butterflies with angels' names on them and balloons. In the middle of the lap were rocking chairs. So they had music, food and baked goods for donations and the idea was to just hang out with family or meet new people, walk around the path, rock in the chairs...whatever you wanted to do. Since the spotting, my doctor advised me not to do too much walking, so my husband and I walked the first Hope lap with the other parents, and then I just kind of hung out with my dad and my inlaws and Ryan, depending on who wasn't walking at the moment.
When we first got there, Ryan and I went to find Kayla's butterfly. We passed several until we were coming up to a pink one with the back facing us. There were still plenty more that could have been hers, but I just had a feeling that one was hers, and it was! So we took pics with it and at the end of the afternoon we got to take her butterfly home, and we did a balloon release. It was a nice day; very emotional, but it felt good to do the walk. I'd like to make it an annual thing.
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