My mom- 12 wks 1 day

Nine years ago today I lost my mom.  Where has the time gone?  It doesn't feel like it's been that long, it feels like just yesterday.  But on the other hand, it feels like a different lifetime.  I miss her a lot.  I wanted to go to the cemetery after work, but I don't know.  It's really far, I probably wouldn't get home till about 8 and that means getting take out again because I am not going to cook that late. 

The drive is nice on days when I want to just get on the freeway and think, and of course the cemetery itself is beautiful and I like that it is out in the country.  But it's days like this that I wish it were closer so I could swing by and take her some flowers.  Not that we have ever regretted our decision, but this is just that much more reassurance that we made the right choice by not having Kayla buried out there.

Today was my last day of using Crinone (progesterone gel).  It wasn't horrible, but I am glad to be rid of it.  Last time I was nervous when I went off the progesterone, worried that something would go wrong, but I feel much better about it this time.  It also helped that my nurse said the placenta takes over at around 10 weeks and they do that two week overlap. 

It's been bothering me lately that some people seem to act as if we're overreacting with this pregnancy.  Like my worrying about being on bed rest, and my reluctance to do anything more than just walking.  I mean for God's sake, our baby didn't get the sniffles, she DIED!  As long as there are doctors out there that think bed rest is helpful, how can I not try it if circumstances present themselves?  How could I go about my day to day routine, knowing my cervix is shortening (if that happens), knowing the same damn thing could happen again, and not try to do something about it?

I trust my doctor, but trust and agreement isn't the same.  I trust that her belief based on what she has read and learned is that bed rest isn't helpful.  I think doctors are amazing, I love my doctors and I know they want the best for me and my baby.  But at the end of the day, if her opinion is wrong and we were to lose Boo, her life wouldn't be forever affected by it, at least not in the way ours is.  At the end of the day she is a human who makes judgement calls based on her opinions, and doctors are wrong all the time.

Even if bed rest is complete hooey, even if it does absolutely no good....if I didn't try it and we lost Boo, I would never ever forgive myself.  I have enough guilt over Kayla and I completely know there is nothing I did wrong or could have done different, so I will not put my baby's life in danger because some doctors don't think it is necessary, and I don't understand why some people aren't grasping that.

So what if I go on bed rest and it doesn't help?  So what if I lose my job, I'll find another one.  So what if I am bored and stir crazy.  I mean I know bed rest is way more than just being bored and stir crazy, but in the end, it is all worth it if Boo can be safely in our arms and I am sick of people acting like I'm overreacting by considering it.  They were all there, they all cried with us.  Why are people acting like this is a completely, healthy, run of the mill pregnancy when it so is not?

Ok, my rant is over, I just needed to get that out.  Speaking of bed rest, a friend of mine who went through the same thing as me has been on bed rest with her rainbow for the past two months, and has been admitted to the hospital for hospital bed rest.  Please keep her and her family, especially her little rainbow in your prayers.