I'm sitting here on the couch, doing absolutely nothing, and I am breathing like a water buffalo. If it's this bad now, how am I going to be when I am 8.5 months? My husband will have to jack the volume up on the TV just to drown me out.
The round ligament pain is getting worse, I seem to get it every time I get up, and the pain sticks around for a while. It's starting to be uncomfortable to sleep on my stomach. Sometimes I can, especially if I hike my leg out to the side to take some of the pressure off, but like this morning I woke up really early and was in a lot of pain from being on my stomach too much. Thank God for my mini snoogle.
I failed my one hour, big shocker. Everyone tells me, be positive, be optimistic. No thanks, I prefer to live in the world called reality. I mean, it hasn't even been six months since I had GD last, and I can't say I am any healthier than I was then. In fact I might even be worse. I don't even need all the fingers on both hands to count how many times I have worked out in the last six months and McDonalds sounds very appealing on days where you can't stop crying and don't want to get out of bed. I take my three hour test next Saturday. I wish I could bypass it and assume I have it, but I guess it makes sense to see how badly I fail it so they can recommend the right treatment.
Honestly, having GD is the best thing for me. I'm trying to stick to my diet right now, but it's hard. But I know once I get the official diagnosis, it will be go time. I will become super dedicated to eating all the right foods. It's like my brain needs to know that this is IT, I have to do it now and there is no more cheating (well at least nowhere as much as I do now).
But, I am soooo excited to get back into shape once Boo is here. NOW I feel like I am not living in reality. I mean, I'll be a new mom, running on no sleep and stressed out. Is it ridiculous to think I can get back to my "engagement weight" anytime soon post partum? I'm not talking do any crazy work outs....when I lost weight the last time, I had immediate success just walking 30 minutes a day and counting calories. Hopefully we'll have an early spring so I can get Boo out for walks, and since we're getting a jogging stroller, hopefully after many walks they will turn into jogs. Even if reality smacks me in the face, I think it is good to at least have a plan, and be excited for it. I was looking at my pictures on facebook tonight, and I have very very few from the last few years. When I was at my skinniest I was a camera whore, but now I jump out of sight, and the ones I am in, I cringe at. I want to be in pictures with my kid, and I will be.
So I had a weird thought the other day. My only experience with childbirth is Kayla of course; we held her, and our family held her and she spent the night in the crib next to my bed.....and I just realized, praying that all goes well, with Boo it will be nothing like that. Boo will be needy, and crying, and need diaper changes, and she'll wake us up in the middle of the night....I know that sounds like the "duh" statement of the year, but when your first and only experience went one way, it's kind of odd to think wow....I'll be having a baby. That needs things. And we'll be taking them home.
That's of course a good thing, but scary. I guess because, when I was holding Kayla, I thought, "at least she is at peace, and we don't have to deal with all of that scary newborn stuff". In those hours, I couldn't imagine having to actually be useful to her, because I was useless. I was broken, I was shattered and the idea of being needed by her was so out of this world to me. But of course, the two would't exist together. Since I was broken, she didn't need me to take care of her, and obviously if she did need me, I wouldn't have been broken.
I am sure there will be tears when Boo is born, and some of them will be sad tears that we didn't get to have that with Kayla. But mostly they will be happy tears, they will be "holy fuck I did it" tears. I just pray we get to see that day.
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