Thankful Thursdays- 11 wks 1 day (angel pictures below)

 *** Below is a picture of my angel, if you think seeing her will be upsetting, please bypass this entry***

I just wanted to take a minute from my bitching and whining to talk about a few things I am thankful for.  I know this pregnancy started out with a bang and some scary things.  The bleeding, and then the shakey betas, and having the super early ultrasound and only seeing the sack, and then my trip to the ER.

But by this point in my pregnancy with Kayla, I was approaching my fourth episode of bleeding.  In a perfect world I would have no bleeding, but it was definitely better to have the bleeding very early on than have to deal with it every few weeks and into the second trimester.  I still have moments of course, and my real worry will start in several weeks, but I am so thankful to not have the worry of the constant bleeding this time.

I hate being high risk, but I am so thankful for my doctors and the excellent care that I have and will receive.  It's very stressful to worry about what my cervix might do, but I do feel like I am in the best care that I can get, and I know my doctors all truly care about me and Boo's well-being and will make sure everything is done to get him or her here safely.

Finally, I am thankful for this website I found.  It's called babyangelpic.com, and it's a digital studio sponsoring The Angel Pics project.  They retouch up to two pictures per person, completely for free.  They do ask that only babies born at 33 weeks gestation or higher be submitted, and Kayla was born at 22.  But I figured it was worth a shot, the worst they could say is no we can't do it.  So I submitted her picture late last night, and it was finished tonight.  I'm very happy with it, it's so beautiful and my precious baby totally looks like she's just off in dreamland.  They did have to change her nose a tiny bit and maybe her mouth a little, but the bruising is completely gone and I'm so happy to have a picture of my baby that doesn't remind me of what pain she may have been in.  We've always planned to tell Boo, and any other children we have, about Kayla.  But it never dawned on me before that it would be difficult to show a young child most of her pictures.  But this is definitely a picture we can share with future children.

Here is the orginal picture we submitted.

Here is the retouched one

Put the lime in the coconut- 11 wks

Boo is a lime.  It's so crazy to think in just 8 weeks time he went from a poppyseed to a lime.  That's crazy.  I can definitely feel second tri approaching, I was nauseous last night but I went from being nauseated almost everyday, to just every few days and I haven't thrown up in about 2 weeks.  The fatigue is different everyday though.  I am not as tired as I used to be everyday, but some days I feel just as tired, whereas the next day I feel great, no nodding off at work and I don't need a nap in the evening.  Though every morning I want to murder my alarm clock.

My labs came back today, my kidneys are great, I am negative for all STIs, and I am not anemic.  However my bloodsugar was high, but this is not a surprise at all.  I was already planning on doing my one hour glucose on Saturday.  I usually go to the lab closer to my house, but I think I might just go to the hospital's lab.  It's a bit of a longer drive, and I have to use a parking pass, but they have a much roomier waiting room.  For the one hour I doubt they would give me special accomodations for like the three hour, so it sounds more appealing to wait in a big waiting room, rather than be shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of strangers at the smaller one.  I'm trying to talk my husband into coming with me and we can go on a date to the hospital cafeteria.

You know you spend too much time at the hospital when you look forward going to the cafeteria.  But speaking of, once my cerclage is done I am excited about getting food delivered to me.  I'll have to chill for a while until I can feel my legs again before I can go home, and I won't have eaten since before midnight the night before, so they'll have to feed me after.  I'm stupidly excited about this....maybe someone can bring me some outside food.

Is it Friday yet?- 10 wks 6 days

I'm a dork, switching my new pregnancy weeks to Friday was driving me crazy, so I switched back to Wednesdays.  I'll just wait until I get my official measurement and due date at my NT scan, which is what I should have done in the first place.

Today was definitely a "should have stayed in bed day".  I'm so tired my eyelids litterally hurt, they just want to close and I can't stop yawning.  I was so happy to hear thunder this morning....a sunny day with birds chirping just didn't match my mood this morning.  Though a nice yucky rainy day makes it an even nicer stay in bed day.

I was talking to a friend last night and we talked about my loss a little...I should know better than to talk to certain people about it since she's said something before that rubbed me the wrong way.  So last night she sent me a little computer postcard thing saying "God leads you to where you're supposed to be, not where you want to be", and then said she firmly believes that everything happens for a reason.

Ok, I get that people are desperately trying to find something to say to make me feel better.  And a part of me feels guilty for being upset because I KNOW she doesn't mean to hurt me and I know she is just trying to comfort me.  But I will never understand why people think those things actually help.  There's so many things one can say, like just I'm sorry, I hate that you're going through this, I wish I could help you, I'm so sorry you lost your daughter, etc.  You can find silver linings in an older person's death....they're not suffering anymore, they lived a good long life, etc.  But there is never any solace in a child dying.  Even if it ended any suffering they were in, why did they have to suffer to begin with?

I mean, does anyone really say, oh well, there is a reason why my daughter died....I don't know it, and I may never know it, but there is one so that makes me feel better.  No!  Just no.  And no matter how much I love Boo, and no matter how much I will not be able to imagine my life without him or her, I will NEVER ever be happy, or glad, or even accepting of losing Kayla.  It doesn't make any sense to me why a life is created, only for it to live for 22 weeks in utero, there is no reason for that.

But like I said, I should have known better, there are some people that understand that I can talk to, and some I just can't.  Though it still baffles me....I get that you can't really understand something until you've walked in their shoes, but even before I went through it, I knew that going through a stillbirth must be one of the hardest things ever.  Just like, I've never experienced the death of a living child, but I would never tell a bereaved parent that it was meant to be, or that everything happens for a reason, or that they should be thankful they have their other children.  That's one of the reasons I want to keep this pregnancy under wraps for a while because I am afraid someone will make some kind of statement implying that everything is ok because we have another baby on the way.

Of course we're thrilled and love Boo, but they aren't a replacement, and we aren't automatically cured of our grief because we are pregnant again.  I'm willing to bet that someone will say something like that when they find out about my pregnancy.  I'm just waiting for it.  And if it happens, I'm going to rip them a new one.

Makeover- 10 wks 3 days

Hey all, yes you're in the right place.  I decided my blog needed a make over.  I've played around with the design a little for the past few weeks but I am very happy with this new one.  I felt like my old design and title was too la la la, happy go-lucky.  And the past year or so, my blog has been anything but happy go-lucky.  I felt like it was too hopeful and naive....not that we're not hopeful, but our hearts are very guarded.  I think my new title perfectly describes how we're feeling right now.  It's been five months on Saturday since we lost Kayla.  The initial, gut-wrenching grief has passed (though it still comes up at the most unexpected times) and Kayla not being in our lives has become the new normal.  The high winds, beating rains, thunder and lightening have subsided for now, and we're just hoping and praying there is nothing on the horizon, but a beautiful rainbow.

So we went to the Renaissance Festival yesterday; for those that don't have one around them or have never been, it's a little village basically set back in the Renaissance days.  It's only open on the weekends for part of August and September.  Think Kings and queens, jousting, wenches....there's lots of different food like my husband'a beloved Scotch Eggs (a hard boiled egg fried in a shell of sausage, ie vomit inducing food to me), lots of beer, giant turkey leggs to knaw on and thankfully soft pretzels and the like for me. 

I did try my first ever deep fried twinkie....um, no thanks.  I can now say I've tried one and I will never have one again.  Totally not worth the calories.  So many people really get into the festival and dress up as their favorite Renaissance era character.  However some people just use it as an excuse to dress weird, which makes for great people watching.  Lots of princesses and fairies, some cat-people that I cannot remember the name of, and some people I don't know what the heck they were supposed to be.  There was even a Shrek, he was my favorite. 

So we walked around a little, we ate some, Ryan drank beer and I smelled it and dreamed.  I am NOT a big drinker anymore at all, but whenever I am pregnant beer smells so good to me.  I am not sure if it just becomes a weird craving, or if it all has to do with the fact that I can't have it, so I want it.  I did take two tiny sips of his and they were yummy.  I even liked his one IPA.  So strange, I normally hate IPAs, so I don't know if it was just a really good one, or if it's again a weird pregnancy thing.  We sat and watched a joust which was entertaining.  We were sitting in the blazing sun for about an hour and dummy me forgot sunscreen again.  But amazingly I did not burn, I did however add to my already awesome farmers' tan.

I was shocked at how many other pregnant women I saw; we must have seen at least 10.  Too bad I still just look fat instead of pregnant.  I'm not in a huge rush to start showing for the sake of showing, but I am anxious for my tummy to start rounding out and looking like a pregnant belly instead of an "I ate too many ho ho's" tummy.  I couldn't believe how tired I was when we got home though, thankfully I wore my running shoes and my maternity jeans.  So comfy.

Speaking of running, I decided I am going to sign up for a 5K for next September that will serve as my motivation to lose weight after Boo is born.  I doubt I will have much to lose from this pregnancy.  When Kayla was born at 22 weeks I had only gained 4 pounds and that all came off  with her so it was likely all her, fluid and placenta.  So far I've lost 5 pounds since I got my positive and I hope to lose a little more when I get serious about the GD diet. 

But I definitely went into both pregnancies at a much higher weight than I ever intended to.  A few years ago I got very serious about losing weight, I ate better and I worked out and lost 50 pounds.  I felt amazing, I looked amazing.  I still had some weight to lose, but if I could get back down to that weight after Boo I would be so happy.  I don't know if another baby will be in the works after Boo, but if we do decide to have another, I would love to go though it at a healthier weight.  I know GD isn't all about weight, I could lose a ton of weight and still get diabetes when pregnant just because of the way the hormones intereact with my ability to produce insulin.  But it sure would be nice to lower the risk.  Some of it is vanity though....I would love to go from no belly, to baby belly, instead of my already belly just forming into a baby belly.

Losing weight and sticking to a regimen is HARD, and I am sure will be even harder with a baby.  But I'm sick of feeling crappy and looking crappy.  I miss being thinner and of course I have a very big reason to get healthier.  So I'm really excited to have the 5K as a goal to get in shape for.  I think six months is a good goal, and since Boo is due toward the end of March, it won't be long till the weather gets nice and we can head out for walks in the stroller.  I eventually starting riding my bike, but when I first started losing weight a few years ago, walking 4-5 times a week for 30-60 minutes was ALL I did and the weight just fell off.  In fact, we were just talking yesterday about getting a jogging stroller.  We had a regular one picked out the last time we registered, but I think we'll be happier with a jogging one.  We can, well, jog with it, especially since Ryan has gotten into running 5Ks this last year.  And we saw a lot of people struggling with their small tire strollers at the festival.  The ground was really uneven and rocky in some spots, so it would be nice to have a stroller that can handle all types of terrain. 

Well, as much as I wish I could delay the inevitable, staying up late is not going to keep Monday morning from coming, so I guess I am off to bed.  I have to get up earlier as it is and swing by the hospital to drop off my pee jug, yay.

A prune- 10 wks

Double digits today!!  Boo is now the size of a prune.  I can't wait to get home and take my weekly picture, even though I am not showing yet.  I LOVE having my weekly pics from Kayla.  I think I need to get a full length mirror for the back of the nursery door.  Since the room is done now, I had set up the tripod in the nursery so I could have a clean room to take my pics in (our room is a tad bit messy, I decided I don't want piles of my clothes in the backgrounds this time).  But for some reason I look better in the cell phone pics.  Maybe I freeze up while waiting for the self timer thing to go off on my regular camera.

I've been dying for my new pregnancy week to start, since it got delayed by two days becase the u/s showed I am measuring two days behind.  But with Kayla I never had a 9-10 week u/s so I probably should have just kept the due date I calculated until I get my official one at my NT scan.  Oh well, I'm not going back now.  So now it's March 21st....we're creeping very close to Kayla's angelversary.  What would be the freaking odds if Boo is born on the exact same day?  And weirder still, my inlaws will have 8 grandkids and that would make 3 of them born on the same day.

I wore a maternity shirt to work today.  It's the kind with the roushing on the side, so no one can tell, or at least I hope not.   I kind of like having this little secret at work; I am in no rush to tell.  I have my three close friends (and my boss) that know at work and that's it, and I know they won't tell anyone.  I'm really curious how long I can keep it under wraps.  I think I am good for another month anyway.  Then after that I am curious who, if anyone will ask since I seriously doubt I will be formally announcing before 25-30 weeks.  Nobody better ask....because since I am, if I wanted people to know I would tell them.  But if I weren't pregnant, I would imagine that would hurt a lot after my loss if we were having a hard time again.  But people are dumb and have no common sense.

We're retaking our family pics with Ryan's family tomorrow, and my dad wants them done for our side this fall.  I'm thinking I'll have to figure out where to stand to hide my belly by then.  I would assume he'll use these pics for his Christmas cards, and I don't think I want to announce to everyone until Christmas or a little after so they can't really be seeing my bump in the picture.  Which will be hard because I am short and usually in the front, but someone will just have to kneel down so I can stand behind them.

Three and a half more hours till the weekend!  I was going to get my 1 hour glucose test done tomorrow but I think I need to sleep in.  For the past week or two I've started getting up about an hour early to use the bathroom and then going back to bed, but last night I was up at 1am to pee and chug some milk (which I did last time, I was always dying of thirst in the middle of the night and only wanted milk) and again around 5.  So I'm assuming my "two a nights" are beginning.  Next Saturday should be less busy, I'll get up early and go do it then.  Though I do have to pee in a jug all day on Sunday and drop it off at the lab Monday morning.  Sigh, I did not miss the 24 hour urine collection at all....but at least I don't have to do it on a holiday this year.

Not so sure now- 9 wks 5 days

I was feeling so good yesterday and very confident in my doctor's assesment of bed rest.  But today I feel like the wind has been let out of my sails.  It's not that I distrust her enough to even think about finding a new doctor, but I'm just not as sure today that no bed rest is the right answer.

Doctors are amazing, but they are people with opinions just like everyone else.  Some doctors think bed rest is beneficial, some do not but just because it is MY doctor saying it is not helpful does not mean that is the correct answer.

I am sure at this point I am doing more worrying now than planning, but the idea of losing Boo in the same way as Kayla is the most terrifying thought.  I just don't know if I could get through it a second time, especially if there was something I felt I could have done that I didn't.  But when you trust your doctor, you trust that they are going to guide you in the right direction, so if I do decide to put myself on bed rest someday, it will be hard to be confident in my decision knowing my doctor doesn't think it is necessary.

I am not saying in any way that my job is more important than my baby.  But, making the decision to possibly lose my job and turn my life upside down to do something that my doctor doesn't think is needed is going to be difficult....not to mention, how would I get FMLA approved if my doctor doesn't agree?  Would she still sign off on it despite disagreeing?  Would I then have to find a new doctor?  Could I just find a doctor who agrees with me to sign off on it?  So many questions and worries.

It basically comes down to this....if my cervix stays long and closed like a champ, of course I won't feel the need to go on bed rest.  But if there are any issues whasoever, I may have to make that decision.  I am not doctor, but I do understand gravity and to me it just makes sense to take weight off from something that misbehaves when too much weight is put on it.

I'm also a little unsure about this vacation.  Again, if all is going well I think it would do us good.  We've had a hellish year and with this new pregnancy we could really use a few days away to just recharge our batteries, unwind, and have fun.  But we'll have to make sure to book a refundable trip just in case things aren't lookin good at the time.  I'm also a little unsure of taking the time off.  As it is I have to take the day after my cerclage off to recover and take it easy, so I had to get a little creative with my time off to cover those two days plus the morning of my NT scan.  Since I am basically living "paycheck to paycheck" in terms of time off, it seems irresponsible to take two whole days off for a vacation.

BUT....I have not had a vacation since.....um, I don't remember.  Ok, it was bugging me so I checked the calendar.  The last time I had a week off was a year ago in June but we didn't go anywhere (and my grandma died the last day of it, how's that for a vacation?).  I took three days off to spend a long weekend in Wisconsin last September when my brother ran the Ironman, and the last trip MH and I took was our honeymoon almost three years ago.  Once I am further along a trip will be out for sure, and once the baby comes it will be a long time, despite our best intentions, before we'll be able to or even want to travel without Boo.

So I think a trip, despite it being a short one (Thursday night to Sunday night) is well deserved.

Back up a little-9 wks 4 days

I had a great appointment today.  Boo is doing fabulous, she was standing on her head during the u/s, lol.  We heard the heartbeat for a few seconds which was the first time we've heard it.  It was a beautiful sound.  I am measuring two days behind what I calculated, so thus I am back to 9 wks 4 days instead of 6 days.  Kind of bummed, I was looking forward to hitting double digits 10 weeks tomorrow, but I know + or - a few days is normal and I'm just so happy everything is ok.

So then we met with the nurse and went over all of those boring mundane questions, and then my doctor came in.  She went over all of my questions....

I asked about bedrest, and surpringly she said she does not recommend it.  She said they are many things that can go wrong on bedrest like blood clots, pneumonia, depression, etc.  She said it has not been proven that bedrest does any good so she doesn't order it.  I won't be telling my brother and girlfriend this, haha.  I won't give them the satisfaction that they were right, lol.  But there is a difference between following advice people tell you, and what your doctor tells you.  It does make me a little nervous because I'm curious about the whole gravity thing.  When you have a weak cervix, it does make sense to me to take the weight off of it by being on bedrest.  I'll ask her about that next time, but she is a specialist, she does cerclages a lot I am sure and I trust her.  So if she says I won't be on bedrest then I feel pretty confident.  It's also a bit of a weight off my shoulders.  I had accepted that I would need it and was dealing with it, but of course not being on bedrest solves a lot of problems.

She also cleared us for travel until around 23 weeks.  So we've decided we need to take a babymoon so I think we'll go to Vegas at for our anniversary at the end of October/beginning of November.  I'll be about 20 weeks by then...I do plan to ask her again at my next appt because we didn't have a destination in mind,  just to make sure she realizes how far we want to go and that I'll be flying.  We'll also make sure to book a refundable trip just in case.  I'm excited.

So my next appointment is in 3 weeks on September 10th which will be my NT scan and I'll see my doctor again after that.  Then the next week I'll have my cerclage put in.  She went over the risks and rewards with us.  She said my case is not absolutely cut and dry that I have an incompetent cervix.  Since they did not see my cervix shortening, I just showed up in labor, they cannot say for sure whether my cervix opened because it was incompetent or if I got the infection which caused it to open.  But she said she is absolutely fine with doing it to err on the side of caution.

She explained that since we aren't certain I need it, we could wait and monitor my cervix and if need be, we could do an emergency cerclage when and if we see shortening or funneling.  The issue with that is, once the cervix starts to shorten it can be more difficult to put the cerclage in place and it does up the risk.  All surgeries come with some risk, and she said the risk of a miscarriage from the cerclage goes up to about 30% if done later in the game.  Plus, she didn't say this, but I would assume there is always the gamble that you won't get it in in time.  I have no idea how long it took my cervix to dilate to 4 centimeters, but what if at one appointment it was fine, and the next it had shortened significantly and we're just too late getting it in.  That makes me extremely anxious.

So she said she is absolutely fine with doing it at 14 weeks, it will be easier to put in and the risk of a miscarriage from the procedure is less than 1%.  I like those odds a lot more.  I guess I can see if someone is very against surgery, it would make sense to wait since we aren't 100% sure I have an IC, but for us it just makes sense to put it in earlier so that's what we're doing.

So overall an excellent appointment.  We got a lot of questions answered, have a lot of stuff scheduled for the next month and I loved seeing Boo and hearing his heartbeat.  Hopefully this will tide me over until my NT scan, and I hope I can find the HB with my doppler in the next week or so.  Without further ado, here is Boo!

Today I am pregnant- 9wks 6 days

My appointment with my OB is in a little over an hour and I am stressing.  I had troubles sleeping last night, I was a little crampy so I got up at least once, maybe twice I am not sure, to make sure I wasn't bleeding.

I kept dreaming that an u/s showed a strong HB but the baby wasn't moving...so I have no ide what the heck that was supposed to mean.  My husband is meeting me at the hospital for my appointement, I told him to meet me by the fountaine (the fountaine that gets no more money from me) and he said if he is running late for some reason to still wait there for him.  Ugh, I hate being late to appointments, even if it is just three minutes.  I already feel sick to my stomach on the way to my appts, but if he's running late it's going to make me even more anxious.

I found these mantras online, I think I need to repeat them all over and over on my way there.

1. “Today I am pregnant and I love my baby.”
2. “I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise.”
3. “My past does not dictate my future. A previous miscarriage does not mean I will have another miscarriage.”
4. “Just because a friend/relative is having a miscarriage, does not mean that it will happen to me.” Miscarriage and pregnancy complications are not contagious, only fear and stress are.
5. “Hope does not make bad things happen.” You cannot “jinx” your pregnancy by getting excited or telling someone. Live in the positive.
6. This is the hardest: “There is nothing I can do to prevent a miscarriage from happening.” Worrying yourself sick doesn’t prevent a miscarriage. “And if (gods forbid) it were to happen again, I know I will survive.”

Finding the bright side- 9 wks 5 days

It amazes me sometimes how I just don't think of things....or seem to overlook things sometimes.  But I realized last night that if I were to end up on BR, my husband will be home with me for the majority of the time.  Worst case scenario, I go on BR around 18-20 weeks which would be the end of October.  Ryan is usually laid off by the first or second week of December, so at the most I would only spend about a month or a little more home by myself.  Though I am sure that time would go very slowly, but one month by myself has got to be better than 4.5.

Now I know Ryan and I will likely get sick of each other if we're home together that long, but we do have a very "bedrest friendly" bedroom (our tempur pedic moves up and down at both the head and feet and our TV is on the wall at the perfect viewing level) so we don't always have to be in the same room.  And maybe he'd actually come to enjoy his newfound grocery shopping and target responsibilities to get out of the house and away from me, lol.

Everyone seems to think I am worrying about bedrest but I'm really not.  Of course I would love it if my cervix stays perfectly long and closed like it's supposed to and don't need any bedrest, but I've come to accept that if I do need it, we'll be ok, we'll get through it and I'll do whatever is best for Boo.

Before my friend with the same situation went on BR, the thought never crossed my mind.  I assumed that with the cerclage, everything would go as it should because I would have the obstetrical equivalent of Superman's powers to keep me safe.  Yeah I know cerclages are only 85-90% successful, but I guess I was being overly optimistic when BR hadn't crossed my mind.

But I am glad it did because I cannot imagine going to my 18 week-ish appointment and being told that my cervix is shortening, I need to go on bedrest and I will be on it for the duration of my pregnancy, my life is suddenly turning upside down and I'll likely lose my job because they will not hold my position for 20+ weeks.

Now don't get me wrong, Ryan shouldn't worry too much because everything he will have to do, he is perfectly capable of doing.  He can go to the grocery store every two weeks and get the items I put on a list; the same with Target.  He can cook dinner every night; I am not a gourmet chef and I don't expect him to be either.  He can trim fat off of chicken and throw it in the oven with some BBQ sauce and pour a can of corn in a pot and heat it up, or dump noodles in boiling water and put some sauce on them.  He can load and unload the dishwasher, none of this stuff will kill him.

But...it will be an adjustment.  He will go from doing the chores he is used to doing, to having a lot to do in one day, every day.  He will be required to do things he's never done before and as much as he'll known deep down I don't like laying around doing nothing, he will likely throw some fits now and again about how it's not fair and he hates doing all this stuff.  On top of it all, he'll be scared for me and the baby.  And to be honest, I will miss doing the things I do.  Yes I hate grocery shopping, but it's better than worrying if he will come back with a $400 load of stuff we don't need, or if my diabetic meals are being prepared the way I would prepare them.  I am sure after just a few days or a week of BR I'll be dying to go just about anywhere.

Even though losing my job could be a blessing in disguise and we will be ok financially, it's still scary to think of losing the job I've had for 8 years, and starting all over with a new company and new people.  I would rather plan for BR now and be pleasently surprised if I don't need it, then naively think I won't need it at all and in one swift minute be completely overwhelmed and turned upside down with this major life change.  So people can think I am unnecessarily worrying all they want, but I know what I need to do to prepare myself and I know I am being smart.

Change of plans- 9 wks 4 days

I guess we are just not destined to get a dog.  My husband and I have been talking about it forever, almost the entire time we've been together.  I've always thought it would be nice to have a dog, but I was absolutely against it when we were in the apartment.  But then once we got the house we had so much settling in to do.  Then Vinny showed up and it was enough struggle to get him and Zoey to get along.

We finally made the decision a few months ago to get one and were planning on going to an adoption event next month to get one.  But then it dawned on me.  If I end up on strict bedrest, I can't take care of a new puppy.  So the puppy plan is on the backburner once again.  I see my OB on Tuesday and I plan to ask her what my chances are of bypassing BR altogether, but I think for the time being we need to shelf the dog plan.  When I told my dad he said good, and my FIL said awwww darn (sarcastically).  Ha, obviously neither of them are in favor of us ever getting a dog.  I find it funny though that the decision to get a dog has been 100 times harder than the decision to have a baby.

So the nursery is basically done.  My FIL came and painted a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant again since my husband and I both decided we wanted the room finished; it made us too sad to leave it the way it was.  So he painted it gray with white trim as we had planned.  The closet doors are on and he just came and finished putting the baseboards on last week.  All that's left is adding some trim around the closet doors and switching out the cream colored plugs and light switches for white ones.

I've been window shopping for nursery themes and I think I've got it narrowed down to a couple.  For a girl, I love the dragonfly set at Babies R Us.  I don't want to do a butterfly theme again since that would have been Kayla's, and sooo many girl sets have butterflies in them.  But I think the dragonflys are really cute.  I was looking for a blue boy's theme since I think it will look nice with the gray walls....I've narrowed it down to Dr. Suesse's "Oh the place you will go", rockstar monkeys, and turtles.  I guess we'll see which ones we like better in person when we go to register.

I realized the other day....I have Boo's ultrasound picture in my purse, and I hadn't looked at it since the day we got it.  That made me kind of sad; my doctor warned me that I might feel a little detached from this pregnancy and I do.  I'm very excited and I can't wait to meet Boo.  In some ways I am doing things that go along with being excited...ie, mentally planning the nursery, starting my weekly pictures, etc.....but sometimes I flat out forget I am pregnant, I'm not gazing at the u/s picture all day....

I guess it's my hearts way of trying to protect itself.  I am excited though to see my OB on Tuesday, I think they'll be doing an ultrasound and we should be scheduling my NT scan and the cerclage.

So sleepy-9 wks

I was reading some older posts from when I was pregnant with Kayla and I realized I often didn't say how far along I was, so I've decided to go back through (no clue when I'll get around to finishing) and label my titles. 

So, I'm exhausted, but at least it wasn't as bad as yesterday.  We've been busy lately so I haven't been getting my naps.  I was tired enough Monday night to go to bed at 10 but for some reason stayed up until 12:30.  My husband came to bed with me, but he napped a lot earlier and couldn't sleep.  It's very rare that he can't sleep so when it happens he likes to bug me and talk and yack about how he's not sleepy.  So I didn't fall asleep till like 1:30.  I could not keep my eyes open yesterday, it was horrible.  I haven't had much work to do lately and what I do have is pretty dull, boring work so it makes falling asleep at my desk even easier.

I fell asleep on the couch last night around 9:30 and then got up and went straight to bed around 11, but I don't feel much more rested today.  But at least I am not dozing off.  I was sooo cold this morning, I shivered all through out my hot shower and even snuggled into my fleece robe as soon as I got out.  The weather has been pretty fall like and we still had our air on this morning.  What I wouldn't have given to have been able to go back to bed, get warm and go back to sleep.  I even used the bun warmers on the drive to work this morning....partly because it's a new feature I've never had before, but I was cold!

I had the best lunch today....I normally only get subway when I am trying to avoid grease, or can't think of anything else to get.  I like it, it's ok, but I rarely ever WANT subway.  Well today I really wanted a tuna sub, like very very badly.  I also decided to splurge and get cookies and milk.  I'm trying to eat well when I can, but with being sick, having food aversions and being too tired to cook, it hasn't resulted in the healthiest meals lately.  But I figure I've just got a few more weeks before I'll be diagnosed with GD, so I might as well live it up while I can. 

Mmm, and my lunch did not dissapoint, the tuna was amazing and the cookies and milk were great of course.  It's the little things in life.  But I deserved it after yesterday's sucky lunch.  I had to go to the bank to get the casheir's checks for the cars, so while I was out I picked up a chicken salad.  I get all the way back to work, I'm starving, open up my salad....and no ranch!  Nobody had any I could swipe either.  Ok, I know this is such a "first world problem" (I hate that term, it really bugs me) but I hate hate hate when you don't get what you ordered from carry out.  Of all of the trivial, silly problems in the world, I think this is the worst one you can get.  Eating dry chicken fingers and dry veggies was not satisfying whatsoever.  But I will say, it wasn't as bad as the time I got a baked potato from Wendy's and they didn't give me any butter or sour cream.  I could choke down the dry salad, but a dry potato?  No....just no.

Baby-mobile- 8 wks 5 days

We bought a baby-mobile tonight, aka a new (used) Equinox.  I totally was not going to buy tonight.  We were at the dealership the other day to get some body work on my husband's car and we were walking around and he spotted a Ranger he liked.  So a sales guy came running out but it turned out the truck wasn't a 4X4 and we need that because my husband wants to try starting up his own lawncare business.  So the sales guy tells us, well that Silverado just came in today, the owner is here picking up his new truck.

So we went to look at it, it was a 1997 Chevy Silverado 1500, which is more than enough to pull a landscape trailer and even put a plow on it for winter (and my husband is dreaming of a boat).  He said there were a few minor things wrong with it, so they'd probably be listing it for $2995.  We weren't even in the market for a truck yet....I mean maybe in the next six months, but this kind of fell in our lap and it sounded like a good deal.  So my dad met us out there today to get a second opinion on it and he said it seemed like a good truck, especially for the price.  We took it for a spin and it ran nice, it actually sounded better than I expected it would.  It's only got 108,000 miles which is amazing for an almost 17 year old truck.

So we took it.  While we were there I wanted to test drive an Equinox just to make sure I liked them before I had my heart set on buying one.  When we walked the lot on Saturday they only had one 2012 (which is the year I was looking for) and two 2010s however none of them were AWD which is what we wanted.  So I figured I'd test drive the 2012 just to get a feel for it and then when we're ready to buy in October or November my sales guy could find one at another dealership.  So he went to find the 2012 and when he pulled up I assumed it was that one since it was also black.  My husband got out and said well, this one is a 2008, but it is AWD and it's only got 40,000 miles.

I was a little leery since that's only one year newer than my Impala, but it was rather pretty.  It's a sports package so it has dual exhaust, a moon roof (I've missed having a moon roof) tinted rear windows (which is nice so we don't have to get those stupid baby shades for the windows), leather seats, heated seats I might add, etc.  So...I couldn't pass it up.  Yeah it's a little older than I was planning on but the miles are great and it seems like a great vehicle, and the best part is it was 10 grand cheaper than the ones I was looking at, so that's always a plus. 

So I'm going to be busy tomorrow, I just spent a day switching my car insurance and home owners insurance to the same company/agent as my husband's car, so now I've got to call him back tomorrow and say ok, switch my insurance to the Equinox, put PLPD on the Impala and also on the truck.  My uncle expressed interest in my car so my dad is going to call him tomorrow and get a final answer.  I'm really hoping he wants it, I would love to avoid having to sell it to a stranger.

Now I know I didn't need an SUV for one kid.  Hell the Equinox isn't even really any bigger than my car.  It still seats the same and I can't even say the back end is any bigger than my trunk....but like I said, I'm sick of Michigan winters without AWD, and I think it will be much more convenient to have the back end for the stroller and groceries and stuff.  And we could afford it so why not.

So we were at the dealership forever, so it was fairly dark as we were leaving and went right by the cemetery, so we swung through and the light was on.  I love it, it's very pretty.  My chalkboard also came today.  I decided this time when I do my weekly pictures, to include a chalkboard of what week it is and what's happening that week.  Just a fun little thing we can do different this time.

I went to my family doc tonight to follow up on the UTI.  It's 100% clear, so that's good, but he laughed when I told him the ER doc gave me Amoxicillan.  He said if my infection had been anything more than just a run of the mill UTI, that med would have done nothing for it.  Whew!


Kayla's nightlight

Memory Box- 8 wks 5 days

I finally got around to putting together Kayla's memory box.  I had a good cry going over everything; reading all of the sympathy cards people sent to us, looking through the photo album we put together for her, the items the funeral home and hospital gave us.  I'm not sure why it took me this long to do it.  I also hung her shadow box with the blanket and clothes she was dressed in at the hospital.  I am not sure if we'll leave it in the nursey or not.  For now I have it hung on the wall and on the floor below is her memory box with her heartbeat bear sitting on top of it.

We never got a chance to actually record her HB.  Our doctor's office had a policy against it, and we never made it to the point where we were going to have an elective 3D one done.  I do have a very bad recording of it on my computer from my home doppler, but there is a lot of static and there are only a few seconds here and there where the HB is easy to hear and is mostly clear.  I've tried recording it onto the bear's heart, but so far it isn't going well.  Maybe I'll try again later.

Regardless of whether or not we actually get it recorded, it was Kayla's bear so we want to get a new one for Boo.  Like I said, I'm undecided on whether or not to leave the shadow box hung up in the nursery.  If Boo is a girl, it would at least be easier to leave it there since it might look a little odd to have a bunch of pink clothes and blankets displayed in a boy's room....but above all of that, I don't want Boo to feel like he or she is living in the shadow of their sister.

I want to find that fine line of honoring Kayla and having her siblings know who she is and loving their sister in Heaven, but I don't ever want Boo and any other children to be reminded of the fact that they are only here because Kayla is not, or to be made to feel like we love Kayla more.  I'm probably over thinking it, for at least the first 2-3 years of Boo's life she likely won't even understand what the shadow box means....and maybe she'll like having something of her sister's in her room.

I'm feeling a lot better, I've only been slightly nauseous all weekend and the diarhhea is completely gone.  My allergies are acting up today though, I keep sneezing and my nose is running and my face is so itchy I want to rip it off.  But of course I cannot take any medicine for it.  But at least our little store at work had tissues, I was so happy to see we had some in.  The only thing worse than an allergy atack at work is not having any tissues at my desk.

Ryan and I went to the race track Saturday night and we were on our way home at about 10:45.  Since it's summer and it gets dark so late, it's not often lately that we're still out once it's dark,(because we're old and we don't go out anymore) so we were going to swing through the cemetery and see if her solar light was working. but the ice cream place closed in ten minutes so we decided on the ice cream.  Sorry baby girl, but mama needed some ice cream :)  But we'll make a special trip out one of these nights to check on it.  Truth be told, I am a little nervous to go to the cemetery after dark.  I can't say for sure that I'll get out of the car; I mean we won't even necessarily have to go by her grave, we could probably see if it's working from a few roads away, but I'd like to get a picture of it.  Maybe Ryan will get out and get the picture for me.

So while I was looking through her things last night, I couldn't help but think about how things should be right now.  Kayla could be a few weeks old by now....I'd be on maternity leave.  My life should be so different right now.  If I hadn't had my first loss, I would have a one year old baby right now, or coming up on it.  I'm sad to say I don't remember the exact due date of that pregnancy, but it could have very well been today.  I want to say it was either the 10th or the 12th.  I just pray that Boo is our take home baby; I just can't wonder what if about another baby's life.  I don't want to be sad on their would be brithdays, I want to be happy and celebrating them.

Sweet relief- 8 wks 2 days

I felt sooo much better today.  The diarhhea is gone, my stomach was still a bit upset today, especially after my attempt at a real lunch, but I'll take it over being best friends with the toilet all day.  I've been a bit nauseas, but it comes and goes and I can usually get it to leave me alone for a while with tums.  Ahhh, it's so nice to feel human again.  I lost 5 pounds this week from all the vomiting and lack of eating.  Not the best way to lose it, but Lord knows I could use some weightloss so I hope it stays off.

So today I realized how lucky we are.  I was reading some GTKYs on TB ("getting to know you" threads) and one was about how long you've been trying since your loss.  Some women were on their fourth cycle, some weren't even sure when and if they are ovulating or where they were at in their cycles.  I stalk these threads, waiting for the good news that my fellow loss mamas are expecting their rainbows.  I feel so blessed that it happened so quickly for us this time.  After 7 months for the first time, 12 months the second time and 100+ day cycles, I am beyond thankful I had normal 28-day cycles and success on our second cycle.

We have to go pick up my husband's car from the dealership tomorrow, he got a bunch of work done on it.  If the sales side is open, I think we'll test drive an Equinox while we're there.  I wasn't planning on buying one until my car sells in October, but I guess my uncle is looking to buy an Impala for my cousin.  I am not sure if he is interested since he is only looking to spend about 8-8500....but I was hoping to start my car at $9500 but more than likely get closer to 9 for it.  If I can avoid the hassle of selling it to a stranger, I'll let go of $500 to sell it to him.  Besides I really do love my car and it makes me a bit sad to think of selling it, so it makes me feel a little better to know my cousin might get it.

I'm looking forward to another cousin's wedding in October, but now I am finding myself thinking of things in the near future and wondering if I'll be able to go, if I'll be on bed rest by then.  The wedding is October 20th, I'll be very close to 19 weeks.  I'm so anxious to talk to my OB and find out the stats of bed rest with an IC.  Like, is it pretty much a given I'll end up on it at some point?  Or is there a good chance I may not need any at all?  Of course we won't know much until they start doing monitoring and see what my cervix does, but I'm just curious how many people with an IC make it to term without any bed rest.

It was like Christmas morning on our porch today.  I went a little nuts with the LTD Commodities catalog.  Yeah the stuff isn't top notch quality, but for the stuff I ordered it doesn't have to be.  I got these little stick on clips for the inside of our spice cabinet.  You stick them to the inside of the door and then clip in the spice bottle; they definitely helped free up some space on the shelf, and I found other uses for them too like holding the broom and fly swatter on the inside of a closet door.  We got two panels of sheer curtains...our living room is mostly browns, grays and blacks.  Our main curtains are brown and on the inner rod we had sheer white curtains to let in light and give a little privacy.  I'm not sure how they did it, but the cats love to sit on the window sill and some mysterious holes showed up in the sheer curtains over the last year (they both point to the other when asked about it).

So I got some beige colored ones, but still sheer with a pretty leaf pattern on them.  They actually go much better with our living room and the brown curtains, and I'm happy to see they're a little less opaque than the white ones were.  It's almost impossible to watch TV with the heavy curtains open during the day because of the glare coming in, so I'm hoping an unintended plus is that these new curtains block a little bit more sun.

We got this cute little table that slides under the bottom of the couch and the table top slides over the top of the couch cushion.  The table top is no bigger than a letter size piece of paper and just perfect to set a drink or snack on.  We don't have room for a coffee table and since our couch has the chase lounge on one end, it's not possible to have an end table where I sit.  So I usually end up either balancing stuff on my lap, or we have to have bulky TV trays out all the time....but this little table is perfect, I think I might get another one for the other end of the couch.  And its got a wrought iron (fake of course but whatever) leaf pattern that matches the curtains!

Finally we got a little solar powered night light for Kayla's grave.  She's a wee little baby, she needed a night light.  It's really pretty, a cylinder shaped glass with praying hands and a cross inside that lights up at night.  The cemetery technically never closes so we're going to take it to her tomorrow and then swing through some night to make sure it's glowing.  It didn't come in today's shipment, but I also ordered a rolling slim shelf that goes between the fridge and the pantry.  When we put in our dishwasher we had to sacrifice our only bank of drawers in our kitchen.  So we had to use some of our once spacious pantry to house bowls, silverware and cooking utensils.  So I'm excited to get this shelf to put some canned goods and other items on to free up some space in the pantry.  We got all of that for $60.00, including shipping.

I can't wait till baby related items can start being delivered.  We still have it on the registry that we made for Kayla, but we decided we're going to buy the crib ourselves.  I love that we have family and friends that can't wait to throw us a shower and buy us wonderful presents for Boo, but I feel like we need to provide things for Boo as well.  We already bought the glider just because we had the old completion coupon available, but I think we'll wait a while to buy the crib.  Even if we don't put it together, it makes me too nervous to have a crib in our house anytime before V day at least.

We have nothing on the agenda this weekend which makes me so happy.  I hope to just relax, do some laundry, take Noah for a walk and maybe finally tackle Kayla's memory box.  The nursery is just about finished, it's painted and the closet doors are on.  We just need to put the baseboards on.  So I'd like to get the clutter cleaned up, organize Kayla's things and start getting the room ready to be occupied. 

ER- 8 wks 1 day

Ugh, what a day I had yesterday.  First of all, everything is ok.

So I went to bed Tuesday night feeling mostly ok, a little nauseas but not enough to take a Zofran.  I woke up an hour later feeling terrible; I had this horrible hollow ache in the middle of my chest, I needed to throw up so badly but I just couldn't.  For the next three hours I woke up every hour and sat in front of the toilet but to no avail.  Finally around 3 am I threw up and thought I could sleep the rest of the night in peace.

Nope.  I woke up at 5 with a terrible pain in my side.  It felt like an organ was about to burst out of my body.  Since I have no idea where my appendix is, I was afraid it was that....then I got very worried that if it was my appendix and I needed surgery, would that affect Boo?  I tried to sit up in bed but that made it hurt even worse.  Now I am NOT an ER person.  I don't know how many times I've had a bad headache or earache or something and my husband has asked if I need to go to the ER and I always said no.  But I knew I needed to go.

So I woke Ryan up and told him I needed to go.  So we get there and as usual (I've been to that ER twice before for my back) the waiting room was virtually empty so I got in within 15 minutes.  They took a urine sample and then came to talk to me.  Once the doctor told me my appendix was no where near my pain, I was quite sure I was just dehydrated and I wasn't surprised to hear that I also had a UTI.  So the nurse came to do bloodwork and get an IV in me, but my usual cooperative veins were being anything but with no liquid in my body.  So she stabbed my arm a few times and then tried my hand.  Oh my God, please go get someone else to try before you do my hand.  That hurt like a mother.

It didn't help that she kept the needle in, kept pushing on my hand, and kept moving the needle around before she finally gave up.  So another nurse came and got it in my other arm.  So I got a bag of fluids, an rx for antibiotics and we were on our way.  I think we were there for about two hours....I love Oakwood and all, but I'm quite certain we would have waited in the ER for at least two hours before even being taken back.

They also gave me zofran in my IV, so by the time we left I was feeling much better, but very sleepy since I had been up most the night.  So we got some breakfast and then I went back to bed for several hours and had a wonderful sleep with my kitty.  After that we ran a few errands to get my rx and get lunch (which I barely touched) and laid around.  My diarhhea was still bad all day though, I must have ran to the toilet about 20 times.  I'm thinking that is a separate issue from the morning sickness though because my dad said something is going around and he and my brother also aren't feeling well.

I only got up twice last night, so that's better, but still I'm hoping this diarhhea clears up soon.  I'd like to get a full nights sleep before I get too far along and it gets uncomfortable...which happens insanely early I was surprised to discover last time.  I think it is getting better though, I've only been to the bathroom for that once since I've been at work and my stomach isn't making all the crazy gurgly noises it was yesterday.  Of course I am sure my diet of saltine crackers has helped some.  I REALLY shouldn't have had that chicken plank and hush puppy from Long John Silvers for lunch yesterday.  It was such a small meal I thought it would be ok, but likely was not good for already upset tummy.

So I was really stressing about work yesterday because of all the work I've been missing.  I went home at 12 on Monday because of my MS, came in three hours late Tuesday for my appointment, called off yesterday, oh and I overslept twice last week and was 15 minutes, and 30 minutes late.  I mean, I know my boss knows I'm pregnant and obviously I cannot help that I am so sick this time.  But I worry his patience are growing thin.  He's only been my boss since January so he has never had me for an employee when I wasn't pregnant and/or grieving and missing a lot of work.  He doesn't know that when I am not under unusual circumstances, my typical call off pattern is like once every few months where as lately it's been once a month or more frequent.

But, I decided I cannot worry about what I cannot control.  My doctor does not have late hours, I cannot help that I have appointments during work hours.  I cannot help that I am sick this time, I am sure there are days where I can power through, but honestly being nauseas and throwing up at work is horrible and I had the time so I took it.  And I certainly cannot help that I was throwing up and had diarhhea so bad that I got majorly dehydrated and got a UTI.  Dehydration can be dangerous for the baby and I wasn't about to go to work and ignore it.

I'm doing the best I can, which is all I can do.  His personal opinion may be that I am a slacker, or that I am someone who always has "issues", but that doesn't impact the fact that I likely won't get fired for being pregnant and sick and needing time off for appointments.  Sure I might not get the most wonderful glowing review this year, but again, I cannot control that.  I do the best job I can do when I am here and that is all I can do.  My health and the health of my baby is number one priority right now.  And if worst case scenario they were to decide I'm missing too much work, then we do have a back up plan for that if I were to lose my job or couldn't work for whatever reason, like bed rest.  It's not ideal, but we'll make it work.

It's very liberating to let go of worries you cannot control. 

Beautiful heartbeat- 7 wks 6 days

We saw the heartbeat today, 176 bpm!  We've got ourselves a little athlete.  Kayla's was always on the higher side too and it's higher than hers ever was...hers was usually in the 150's and 160's.  Since I've been so sick lately, I was a lot less nervous for the ultrasound, but was still very thankful when she announced as soon as the wand was in that she saw a fetus and a heartbeat.  I'll be 8 weeks tomorrow.

So we graduated from the RE today and I have an appointment with my OB in two weeks.  I'm anxious to talk to her and ask my questions about the cerclage, one of them being, how soon will we know when it will be scheduled.  I am sure there will be many nervous times ahead, but today I feel very hopeful and I'm going to enjoy the feeling for as long as it sticks around.

So I woke up yesterday feeling extremely nauseas.  Brushing my teeth is what did me in, and of course I didn't make it to the toilet so I had to clean the sink.  I felt a little better, but once I got to work I felt like crap again.  After a while I decided to go to the bathroom and ended up throwing up.  My friend came in and asked if I was ok and if I needed anything.  Her cube is the last in the row, right near the hallway that is across from the bathroom, but I'm worried if she heard me, that others may have also.

She said no one else heard, but she may just be trying to spare me the worry.  So I ended up going home at 12...I hated to because MS could last a good deal longer, I can't go home everytime I am nauseas.  But yesterday and this past weekend have been a lot worse, so hopefully it won't always be that bad.  I ended up just laying/sleeping on the couch the rest of the afternoon.  I tried to eat a few things here and there like watermelon and chips and a sierra mist but the chips made me nauseas.  I kept down a bowl of cereal later on (crunch berries, yum) but I wasn't up to making dinner so my husband ordered shrimp from a pizza place and I ended up getting chicken strips.

They were ok, but I get full really fast so I saved the rest for lunch today.  I dozed off on the couch a few more times and then went to bed at 10:30.  I tossed and turned all night, I was so nauseas but also so gassy.  I just felt miserable....I got up at 5 thinking I had to puke.  It was so cute, everytime I got up my kitty would get up too, and as I was sitting in front of the toilet he would sit out in the hall.  Then when I dry heaved a few times he came in and nudged my arm with his nose, like "you ok momma?"  What a sweet kitty I have.  Unlike my other one that smacks me when I cry, lol.

So I couldn't puke, so I took some Malox and went back to bed.  I felt a little better, but now whenever I rolled over I would get stomach cramps.  I got to sleep in a little today because my appointment was later than I would normally leave for work, so about 30 minutes before I needed to get up, I got up to see if I could puke this time.  Nope, it was the other bathroom issue.  My doctor later told me that Malox tends to clean things out....ah yeah, that explains that.  Man, I don't know where it kept coming from.  So as I'm doing that, THEN my body decides it also wants to throw up; thank God for the garbage can.  However when I tried to clean it up, I dumped it into a Target bag that had a small hole at the bottom, so it got all over the floor and bath rug.  What a morning.

But the good news is, I feel much better now.  My nausea went from a constant 10, to a now and and again 5.  Maybe I puked it all out for a while.  But my doctor did give me an rx for Zofran, so hopefully when it does come back I can get some relief. 

Here is our precious little Boo

 

First purchase- 7 wks 4 days

I couldn't help myself, it was too cute.  In the upper right hand corner it says, "I Love Hugs".  Oh Boo, we will give you tons and tons of hugs!.  We won't be buying anything else for quite a while, but I made a first purchase for Kayla before we were even pregnant with her (the U of M booties we buried her with) so I wanted to do the same for Boo.

So I have felt very bad this weekend....anytime I was not laying down yesterday I didn't feel well.  It was nausea, but something else, like a weird hallow ache in my stomach.  I went to my dad's for lunch and he made me my favorite, a fried bologna sandwhich and I could barely finish it, and I felt like I had ate a ten course meal.  I haven't thrown up in a week but the nausea has been off the charts.  I'm having serious meat aversions and not much sounds good aside from fruit.  Probably not the best for me to eat with my diabetes, but at this early on I think it's important to eat what I can manage, and there are worse things I can eat besides fruit.

But as bad as I may feel, the symptoms are definitely helping keep my pgal brain at bay some.  With no bleeding since that one day, and lots of nausea, I'm feeling pretty confident.  But I am sure I will be nervous for my u/s on Tuesday....the words missed miscarriage and blighted ovum keep dancing through my head.  Hopefully I can squash those on Tuesday morning.

My husband wanted to go to the race track last night but I felt like crap so he went and I stayed home on the couch.  I have been dying for a hot fudge sundae and when he got home he surprised me with one :)  Aww, so sweet!

This Wednesday I will be 8 weeks, so that means hopefully just two more weeks until we can start using the doppler....maybe.  But I will definitely be trying at 10 weeks, I am dying to be able to have that nightly assurance that things are ok.

My car is in the shop this week so I'm driving my dad's Mountaineer.  It's a bit bigger than I would like, but I'm liking the SUV.  I went grocery shopping and I love how much easier it is to fit stuff in the back rather than in my trunk, and I forsee getting a stroller in and out of the back a lot easier too.  So I think the plan will be to put my car on the market in October so we can hopefully get my Equinox in time for winter. 

Ralph- 7 wks 1 day

Ralph and I are becoming good friends lately.  It's actually been a few days since I threw up, but I've been so nauseous.  I asked Ryan if I could keep a bucket in the living room because I got tired of going back and forth to the bathroom because I thought I was going to puke.  Today I've been very nauseous; please please please don't let me throw up at work.  I went to the bathroom because I thought I was going to, and the bathroom is just off a main hallway and not far from our desks, so I worried about someone hearing me.

As I'm standing there trying to decide what's going to happen, I could hear these people standing right outside the bathroom door talking loudly, I think the one was going to come in and they got talking outside the door.  I think it's funny because they're just two people having a conversation and about to use the bathroom, but in that moment I wanted to stab them and in my head I am screaming for them to go away.  Like don't you know I have to throw up and I don't want to be heard?

The other day I spent an hour making Shepherd's Pie for dinner and it looked so good.  I sat down to eat, ate the potatoes off the top but then I was done....the ground beef and corn mixture already resembled throw up, and after that thought I couldn't eat another bite.  It just amazes me the food aversions and morning sickness this time.  I am sure by this time last time I was ravenously hungry all the time.  I would go from nothing, to so hungry it would hurt and I just couldn't get full.  But now, yeah I'm usually hungry by meal time but I am not starving and often a lot of stuff just doesn't sound good.

I keep thinking it's a boy because of how different this pregnancy is, but Kate Hudson was on Leno last night and she said the same thing.  She thought for sure her second was a girl because of how different her pregnancy was from the first, but she had another boy.  So there ya have it, my theory has been proven wrong by Kate Hudson. 

I took a nap too late last night and then couldn't sleep, so I was up until 3 am.  So when I get home I'm going to take a nap right then so I can hopefully still sleep tonight.  I'm ridiculously excited for this little plan of mine.