Capture your Grief Day 31- 20 wks

Day 31. Sunset To close this project and month I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world. If there is no sunset where you are, you can still take a photo of the early evening sky. You just need to be able to get to a window. Remember to caption what State/Country you are from and the time.

I'm cheating a little on this one.  By the time the sun sets tonight, we'll be at the airport waiting for our Vegas flight.  So this picture was taken Sunday in Michigan....but the picture doesn't even capture it all, the entire sky was streaked with beautiful pink and orange.

Boo is officially half baked today!  Just two more weeks before we can put our dreaded loss milestone behind us, and we can finally tell the rest of the world that our beautiful rainbow is on her way. 

I ordered my Molly Bear last night.  For those not familiar, it's a Teddy Bear made for your angel, and it's weighted so they're the exact same weight as your angel.  They asked what colors and/or symbols remind you of them so I put down pink and grey, and butterflies.  There is a pretty long wait list for them, but it will be a nice surprise in the mail someday, I can't wait to get it.

Capture your Grief Day 30- 19 wks 6 days

Day 30. Your Grief – Tell The World What do you want the world to know about this road you are traveling?  Do you just want your baby’s name to be spoken? Do you want others to know they are not alone? Whatever it is, write it down on a piece of paper and hold it up for the world to see! (We will be making a video clip of these images from this particular day!)

The list could really go on and on, but here are a few I came up with.

Happy Anniversary to us- 19 wks 6 days

Today is mine and my husband's 3rd wedding anniversary.  Our wedding was one of the best days of my life, and I'm so happy we're on this journey together.  We've grown in ways I could never have imagined we would.  Losing Kayla has been so hard on us, but it's become a bond that we share, and nobody else in the world gets what we're feeling except each other.  He was so amazing during the whole thing, so selfless and strong, I really don't know how I would have gotten through it without him. 

It's also the day my parents got married 42 years ago.  I never know what to do now that my dad has a girlfriend....I know he still loves my mom, but I can't really wish him a happy anniversary.  But I am sure it's a bittersweet day for him....he probably thinks back to their wedding day, all of the hopes and dreams that they had.  I wish my dad texted so I could tell him I'm thinking about him.  We're not very emotional people so that's really hard to say to him over the phone.

In about 36 hours we're getting on a plane to go celebrate in Vegas, our last "hurrah" if you will before Boo is here.  It won't be much of a hurrah though as I figure I'll be in bed by 10pm every night, but we're looking forward to seeing some shows and just getting out of here for a few days.  He has tomorrow off too, but I have to work and then we're leaving as soon as I get home.  I'd kill to have tomorrow off, but I could barely scrounge up the vacation time to take Friday and Monday.  I would just take it unpaid, but since we do have pretty good vacation/sick time policy here, taking unpaid days is frowned upon.  I've had to take several in the past 7 months, but those were medical and/or emotional reasons that couldn't be helped.  I doubt Vegas is a good enough reason to take an unpaid day.

But it's just as well, he probably wouldn't have packed tonight like he's supposed to, and then he'd be running around tomorrow evening trying to get packed so we can go.  At least now he has several more hours that he can put it off.  I'm still jealous though.

I'm such a dork, every morning I have to send out an email to everyone in my department a list of who is out/on vacation/coming in late etc.  It wasn't until I tried pulling up a report and nothing came up, that I realized I had put in 10/30/10 for the date for both the email and the report.  Even more surprising, only one person noticed my flub.

Ryan got home rather late last night; I figured work just ran late since it often does.  But he surprised me with an anniversary gift.  We already have the Promise cake topper from our wedding, and I've always loved this one and it's just perfect.

Capture your Grief Day 29- 19 wks 5 days

Day 29. Music This might be hard to capture in a photograph so break the rules (that we don’t have, hah!) and post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren.

I love this song, it describes my pain and optimism perfectly.

This is also a favorite.  The lyrics don't match perfectly, but it reminds me of her nonetheless.  The night of her funeral, my husband posted it on his facebook, saying goodnight to our baby girl.  It broke my heart into a million pieces.

Doctor rant- 19 wks 5 days

First let me just say I love my two doctors.  They are wonderful, they truly care about me and my baby and they admit that don't have all the answers, but they are doing everything they can to try to catch any possible scenario in order to keep Boo safe.

However today, I met one of the male doctors in the practice.  I briefly met the other male doctor when he was doing his rounds in the hospital.  I didn't get an impression of him good or bad, but I do know if I had a choice, I'll stick with my female doctors.  But this guy today, I am not a fan at all and I will be requesting not to see him again.  First of all, he comes in and starts looking at my chart since obviously he is not familiar with my case.  He see's that I have a history of PTL and upon finding the lab report, he says ah, you had chorio or something like that....it was short for some big medical word meaning infection.

I was like well Dr. Garmel did say I had an infection, could not say for certain whether the infection caused the PTL, or the PTL started because I have an incompetent cervix and then the infection got in once my cervix was open.  So he goes into this big speech about how I don't have an IC, and how it doesn't exist.  He says it was due to the infection.  I asked how it always starts around the same time for all women in this situation.....I mean, everyone I know with a suspected IC went into labor and gave birth around 20-24 weeks.  That to me is solid with the theory that at that point, the baby is heavy enough to weaken the cervix and cause it to open.  So if it is due to an infection, why does it always happen around that time?

He couldn't really answer that, saying well it starts much earlier around 15 weeks and progresses....but again, why?  Why doesn't it start at 8 weeks, or 30 weeks?  I didn't ask, but I'd also like to know why cervix shortening is such an issue for women pregnant with multiples?  Again, the weight of twins or triplets is obviously more than a singleton, causing pressure on the cervix.  Why would multiples pregnancies be at any higher risk of infection than a singleton?

My doctor that delivered Kayla stressed to me that even if it was an infection, these things sometimes just happen, it was nothing I did, for example nothing I did wrong regarding hygeine.  But this doctor brought that up, saying poor hygeine could be a cause.  Um, thanks for laying the blame on the mothers and saying our babies died because we don't clean well enough.  Let's be frank, stuff isn't exactly spaced out down there.  If all of these women that lose their children due to what I believe is an IC but is really because of infections due to poor hygeine, I would think that number would be way higher than it is.  If you can do everything right and still get an infection that can cause PTL, then the stats would be much much higher in my opinion.

He also gave no condolences what so ever, and constantly referred to Kayla as a "22 weeker".  No, she's not a 22 weeker, she is my daughter and a little sensitivity would have been appreciated.  Maybe when discussing a case with other doctors or in your own private notes, 22 weeker might be acceptable, but not when you're talking to the patient.  I am so glad my husband couldn't go to this appointment because he likely wouldn't have taken too kindly to him.

I just listened to his speech though...clearly nothing I say would change his mind, he believes what he believes.  I know I am not a doctor, but obviously there are doctors that do believe in IC and I agree with their theories.  It just makes common sense to me.  I know my case isn't cut and dry as I had some symptoms that are not consistent with IC, but I also had several that were.  But if I had to guess, I would lean more to the side that I do have an IC, and the infection was something that just came along with it, and/or got in after my cervix was open.   At the very least, I see no issue with doing the cerclage as a precaution, and if I don't have an IC, well it was an extra security blanket in case I do.

I am just so glad he wasn't my only experienece through out this whole thing.  I cannot imagine listening to his "it probably won't happen again" theory, and then losing Boo the same way since he would not have done a cerclage.  I know everyone has different opnions, but I don't see how he can be so blase about it.  I can tell from his attitude, and calling Kayla a 22 weeker, he only sees the medical aspect of things, and not the emotional side.  Losing a baby isn't just like well ok, that didn't work.  Let's try again and hope it doesn't happen again.  I understand how doctors can become a little numb to the emotional side because in a way they have to, but they're still human beings.  How can they not retain any compassion?  I heard him talking out in the hallway, he has kids.  Can he seriously not go back to when his wife was pregnant, and imagine what it would have been like to lose one of them?

But I will definitely not be seeing him again.  And it's not just the male thing...my old gyn was a guy and he was wonderful.  Very compassionate and a great doctor.  I can't imagine anyone actually liking this guy and feeling comfortable with him.

Capture your Grief Day 28, 19 wks 4 days

Day 28. Memory Share one of your most significant memories on this journey of grief, it can be a positive or negative memory.

I have two; the first one was in the hospital, the day after Kayla was born.  I woke up around 6am after my last temp check; it was still dark out and Ryan was still asleep on the dad couch.  Kayla had spent the night in the crib next to my bed. 

So I sat up in bed, got her out of her crib and held her and sobbed.  It was the worst, yet most beautiful moment of my life.  The rest of the world was sleeping, and I had my baby girl in my arms.  I feel like to say anything more about it takes away from what it was.

The other moment was a couple weeks after we were home.  We had gone to my husband's first 5K since we lost her...the last one we went to, I was still pregnant.  So it was really hard to go and I wasn't in a good mood at all.  It was one of the few days I had to get up early in the six weeks I was off work, so I couldn't sleep and didn't end up sleeping at all.  After the race we went to breakfast, and then I came home and napped for hours, but ended up feeling worse when I woke up.

We were supposed to go out for dinner for my brother's birthday, so my dad called to find out if I was going.  As soon as I heard his voice, the floodgates opened and I burst into tears.  He asked if I was having a bad day and I said yes.  It was like deciding to go to dinner was literally the hardest thing, I just couldn't make the decision.  I wanted to go, and absolutely didn't want to go all at the same time. 

I was no stranger to grief, I had a rough childhood at times, and then lost my mom when I was 25.  The summer before last, despite them being older, it was very hard to lose my grandparents, whom I adored, within weeks of each other.  So overall I knew the stages of grief, I knew that one day I would feel better....I wouldn't get over it, I wouldn't move on but I would move forward and it wouldn't always hurt this bad.  But that day, basically in the very depth of my grief, I didn't think it would ever get better.  I felt so suffocated and I couldn't see a way out.  I didn't see any light at the end up the tunnel, my heart was literally breaking and I didn't know how I was ever going to feel better again.

My dad talked to me for a while, and while I felt better afterward, it was still a bad day.  But I have that day to look back on, when I hit the rock bottom of rock bottom, and I know I climbed out.  That day stands as my measure, to see how far I have come in 7 months.  And anytime I have another bad day, I can look back to that day and know that it did get better again.
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So, my family has been slipping a little, calling Boo by her name.  I guess in some ways, what can I expect?  If I really wanted to not use it, I guess we shouldn't have told people what we'll be calling her.  But at the same time, I'm confused why people can't respect our wishes to continue calling her Boo.  That's what we called her for months now, why is it suddenly hard to keep calling her that?  I guess I will just have to correct people as they slip up, and from here on out we won't be sharing the name anymore.  Lesson learned. 

Capture your Grief Day 27- 19 wks 3 days

Day 27. Artwork Share some artwork that reminds you of your baby/ies/child/ren or something that was created for them by you or someone else.

Not exactly artwork, but the ladies on July '13 made me this along with a bunch of condolences people signed on a web page.  I love this picture, and it makes me feel at peace.
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We had fajitas for dinner and Boo must have loved them or hated them because she started kicking a lot right when I finished eating.  I'm loving her kicks....like I said, I love the ones that aren't like little machine gun kicks for a length of time.  I can't wait until Ryan can feel them.  Unless she is like her sister and stops as soon as he tries to feel them, lol.    I also used my doppler today for some extra reassurance and her little heart was just beating away.  I'm such a thankful mommy.

Capture your Grief Day 26- 19 wks 2 days

Day 26. Their Age How old was your baby/ies/child/ren when they died. Write it down on a piece of paper. If they died whilst you were pregnant you can write their gestation.

Kayla was 22 weeks 2 days gestation.  Less than two weeks from viability.  

Capture your Grief Day 25- 19 wks 1 day

Day 25. Baby Shower/Blessing Share a photo from your baby shower or blessing. Maybe you could show everyone the gifts you received that you were not able to use.

Well this is another one I cannot really do, because I never made it to my shower.  We were however, planning my shower the day I went into labor.  I hate that the day started out as so special and fun, only to end in heartache.  But some good did come out of it.  We nailed down all of the basic plans for it, like where to have it and what kind of food, basic theme ideas, etc.  So now, all of my girlies can completely plan it without me and they already know what I would like.  Brenda told me to do nothing but sit around in a dress every weekend of January and wait to be told to go, hahaha...I will actually know when it is now, because it looks like my brother is getting married in January, so that only left so many weekends. 

But I'm really excited for my shower and I have to admit, I'm pretty geeked about the "do nothing" plan.  I tend to feel guilty over things like this; for my wedding shower I hosted one meeting with moms and bridesmaids and attended another; I even made a salad to add to the buffet.  But with the stress and worry with this pregnancy, I welcome the idea of doing nothing, and just showing up and enjoying my day with my friends and family.  Brenda even told me she has secretly been talking to my best friend about plans :)

So, I feel like a bad mom.  Yesterday marked 7 months since Kayla was born.  I almost never notice the date on the day, usually a few days later.  And honestly I only notice it then because I have a memorial ticker on my bump siggy.  I know it doesn't make me a bad mom, I think of Kayla everyday and I miss her so much.  But I'm usually so good at remembering dates and anniversaries.  Well one thing is for sure, I will never miss her angelversary. 

I went to the cemetery last week, intending to take her teddy bear home to wash it....but THAT made me sad.  It makes me sad to see it all wet and dirty, but it makes me sad to take it home to wash it.  She needs her teddy bear there with her.  I know that sounds silly, she isn't THERE and therefore doesn't need her teddy, but try telling my irrational brain that.

I asked my husband yesterday if he would be ready to go register around mid to late November, after our milestone.  He said he didn't really think we needed to, we can just unhide the old one.  But I explained that I just cannot go back to Buy Buy Baby after the way they treated me concerning Kayla's loss.  I know they don't care if they don't get any money from my registry, but I just cannot set foot in that store.  So we basically need to start from scratch and I want to go to Babies R Us. 

Most of the items we'll pick the same thing, like the baby gates, monitor, bath, diapers etc.  But I want a different stroller, and of course her nursery theme will be different.  So we made a deal, I'll go by myself someday and start it, adding all of the basic, boring stuff.  It was fun to do it with him the first time, but this time won't be as fun so I'll just make it like an errand that I have to do.  Then he and I can go for a shorter trip and add the things that we both want input on, like nursery decor, stroller, etc.

I think that's a good compromise; hell I can probably add most of that stuff online.  But so far I cannot get him to bend on an owl nursery theme.  I never liked the little cartoon owls before, but now they've totally grown on me and I love them.  Her nursery walls are grey, furniture will be dark wood, I think pink owl bedding and wall decals would be adorable, but he doesn't like them.  Dragonflies is my back up and I would settle for those, so hopefully we can agree.

I posted on TB the other day about how I don't like kicks, and they ick me out, but I should clarify.  I LOVE the ones that come here and there.  They make me smile and it's such a nice reassurance, my baby girl is saying hello.  I just don't like the little spurts of them, that feel like a muscle twitch.  She was going at it for over an hour the other day.  Those ick me out, it's a very strange feeling.

Capture your Grief Day 24- 19 weeks

Day 24. Siblings This could be done two ways – your could photograph your own siblings and post about how grief has affect them or you can post about your other living children. I know that not everyone has living children but I felt it was important to include the children who are left here to grieve their brothers and sisters. Capture a sibling, niece or nephew’s grief. Maybe you could share a drawing they have done or even just a photo of them holding something that represents their brother or sister that they are missing. Give them a voice here.

This one is tricky.  My brother loved Kayla, and I know he was crushed, he was very much looking forward to being an uncle.  Well, he still is an uncle, but we all wanted her here.  But he's very private with his emotions, he doesn't bring up Kayla on his own much, and when I talk about it all he mostly just listens.

Since Boo isn't here yet, I'll talk about how we plan to let Boo know about her sister.  Of course she won't understand much early on, but we want to always talk about Kayla so that one day she isn't just told, by the way you have a sister in Heaven.  We'll take her to visit her grave, and since their birthdays will hopefully be close to each other, we'll make sure to include Kayla in our birthday celebrations with Boo.  

Here is a sweet picture of my niece at Kayla's grave.  My SIL did an amazing job explaining it to her and my nephew.  They drew adorable pictures on their balloons for her.  They both call her Baby Kayla.

Capture your Grief Day 23- 18 wks 6 days

Day 23. Their Name/Their Photo If you feel comfortable, share a photo of your baby/ies/child/ren who you are remembering this month. If you do not have photos, you could use an ultrasound image or something that represents them.

Here is my sweet baby girl, Kayla Kathryn.
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 Boo was kicking up a storm last night.  I was laying down watching Tv and it went on for at least an hour or more.  Little spurts of kicks here and there.  I could even see my tummy jumping around a little.  It's like she went from very few kicks, to a kicking marathon.  Maybe she was happy that we saw her yesterday and found out she was a girl.  I've felt a few kicks today, but she must be tired, she tuckered herself out yesterday.

Capture you Grief Day 22- 18 wks 6 days

Day 22. Place of Care/Birth The place that looked after your you whilst you were pregnant. Share a photo of those who took care of you and your baby. This could be a midwife/doula/friend/partner.

I don't have any pics of my doctors or nurses, but here is the wonderful hospital where I delivered Kayla, and will deliver Boo.  I've yet to come across anybody that wasn't super nice, warm, and caring.  I would never ever consider going anywhere else.  

It's a girl!! -18 wks 5 days

I'm so happy and I feel so blessed.  The anatomy scan went perfectly, the tech saw nothing wrong and everything looked great, and we have another girl.  I would have loved a boy, but a small part of me really longed for another girl.  But above all, I am just so thankful everything looks good.  She is measuring exactly on track and she was wiggling all over.  I just can't wait to meet her, but hopefully not before March.

My cervical measurement also went great, it's 5cm, even longer than last time at 4.4!  Whew!  Such a weight off my shoulders.  Now we can for sure go to Vegas.  We booked the trip like two months ago, but we purchased trip insurance just in case we had to cancel if my cervix shortened too much, but since it actually lengthened, then all is good.  We leave in just over a week, and we're taking a long weekend.  I'm so excited.

We're still calling her Boo until she is born, much to my dad's dismay, he hates that nickname.  My husband had been in love with the name Kayla for years and years and even told me about it on our second date.  Long before we were even trying to get pregnant we referred to our future child as Kayla, so of course when we found out she was a girl, it was a no brainer and we called her that from day one.  So when we lost her, we just couldn't fathom naming her anything else, it was already her name.  But my heart breaks a little everytime I think about how much he loved the name, and how we didn't get to use it like we thought we would.  Yes it is still our daughter's name, but we should be calling her that everyday, not looking at it on her gravestone.

So I decided we cannot get that attached to another name, so while we do have a name picked out, she won't be called that until she is here, safe in our arms.  I don't know if we could do things differently, if God forbid the worst happened again, I don't know if we could reserve this name for another baby and pick another name, but right now that's our decision.  But for now, we are happy and blessed that Boo is healthy and well, and once she is born in March she'll be Emily Kathryn.

Capture your Grief Day 21- 18 wks 4 days

Day 21. Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space Share a photo of your special place in your home/garden for your baby/ies/child/ren.

I already used this picture, but it really is a shrine for Kayla.  I smile everytime I look at it.

Caputre your Grief Day 20- 18 wks 4 days

Day 20. Charity/Organization Share your favourite charity or organization that has touched your heart on this road of grief. If you don’t have a photograph to share, just simply post the link to their website!

I'm a day behind, we were busy all day yesterday and I didn't get a chance to write.  My favorite charity so far is http://www.thetearsfoundation.org/, they are a non-profit organization that raises money to help family pay for the funerals and burials of their little ones.  I think this is such a great charity because losing your baby or child is one of the worst things that can happen to you.  Most parents are young, do not have a lot of savings and of course did not have life insurance for their child.  Thinking about how to bury your child is something no parent ever wants to have to think about, so when it becomes a reality, it's all so overwhelming, not to mention the panic of how to come up with the money.

Every parent who has lost a child deserves a place to go and mourn their child.  I think burying a child is unlike any other death because as a parent you always feel this need to take care of your child.  Having Kayla in an unmarked, generic grave made me so sad.  As did the idea of her being at a cemetery far away from us.  She is my baby girl, I need her close to me.  So being able to go visit her grave whenever I want, just 5 minutes away means the world.  We were lucky enough to have family that was able to help us out, but not everyone is that lucky, and I am so glad the TEARS foundation is there to help out those hurting parents.
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I am so antsy this morning.  Like most Mondays, I hate being at work.  Everyone is annoying me...this one is coughing a lot, this one is sniffling.  The lady that covers my job when I am not here is so unbelievably annoying.  Most of my appointments are on Tuesdays, and our calendars give a pop up 16 hours ahead of time when someone has scheduled time off.  So for the past two Mondays before an appt, she's always so shocked to see me here on time, when the "calendar said I would be late".  That's tomorrow, look at the calendar, get a clue.  Ugh, I'm so irritiable.

I think I am extra cranky because I just want it to be tomorrow, to be at my anatomy scan and see Boo, to make sure everything is ok and to make sure my cervix still isn't shortening.  It's like these last 24 hours before hand is excrutiating, and if the time can't move any faster, than I just want to be home, away from all of these annoyances.

On a very sad note, my month board has had their first later term loss.  I'm so sad for them, when I saw the title of her goodbye thread, my heart sank.  Going through the pain is horrible, but once you've been through it, it comes back a little bit to know others are suffering that same pain.  It makes me wish I could take their pain, since I am already experiencing it.  I am heading up the sunshine mission for her and her family.  For those of you who are not bumpies, a sunshine mission is when a bunch of ladies from the month board all get together and send a care package with sympathy cards, messages and sometimes gift cards and other treats to the bereaved parents.

Nothing can take away the pain of losing your baby, but getting that package in the mail, and seeing how many people, most of whom are total strangers, care and send well wishes....it's just an amazing thing.  The wonderful ladies on July '13 sent us one when we lost Kayla, and I am happy to be able to pay it forward to a new loss mom, and hope we can brighten her day just a little bit. 

Capture your Grief Day 19- 18 wks 2 days

Day 19. Project Have you worked on any projects inspired by your loss? They could be anything from an art project to organizing memory boxes for a hospital. If you have not yet done a project you could share something that you would like to work on.

This is a memory box I put together for Kayla.  I love the box, it has butterflies on it.  Inside is a blanket the chaplain gave us after her blessing ceremony, sympathy cards from friends and family, her photo album, her name card from the hospital and many other things we had for her.  It took me several months to put it together.  When I did, it was very healing.  I had a good cry and I loved reading all of the messages from our loved ones, and going through my daughter's things.  I'm so glad I have these things that will always be a part of Kayla.
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I need to vent.  It's kind of a whole conglomeration of things that have been bothering me and I need to get them out.  When I tell you I am pregnant and 18 weeks along, don't tell me I am in the safe zone, and when I tell you I still have 4 weeks to get past my loss milestone, don't tell me "still 18 weeks is good".  I mean of course, an early loss was still a worry of ours, a loss at any time is a worry, but we won't be able to breathe easier until we are past 22 weeks.

Yes, puking in my first tri gave me some reassurance.  I have no idea if there is any truth to a pregnancy being "stronger" if you have morning sickness, but it did reassure me nonetheless.  But puking at this point just makes me feel like shit and makes my face purple.  It has absolutely no bearing on what my cervix does or doesn't do and it just makes no sense to say my puking at 18 weeks is a good thing.  Why don't you go yack your brains out, have a swollen purple face and be in agony every time you swallow for several hours after, and let me tell you what a good thing it is.

I get that everyone is excited to find out the sex on Tuesday.  It doesn't bother me when people express excitement over it, we are excited too.  But don't harp on it, and don't constantly say you know we're having a boy.  It doesn't matter.  I want to bring this baby home, boy or girl, it doesn't make a difference.  I can't deny that a small part of me does hope it is a girl, because I was so excited to have a girl last time and probably in some ways hoping for a girl is my way of coping.  Another girl will not replace Kayla, but maybe it would heal my heart just a small fraction.  But if Boo is a boy, we will be overjoyed and so happy.  I just want to see him or her again, to know everything is ok, and knowing the sex is an exciting perk.  Also, we will be texting you with the results.  I am sorry if that offends anybody; we did the big gender reveal last time, and this time we just want to do low key.  The idea of calling everyone close to us and telling them is exhausting and we will not be doing it.

Constantly telling me you already know it's a boy pisses me off, because A. it doesn't matter, B. are you saying you won't love her if she's a girl, and C. It kind of offended me that the logic is if I have a boy, you can have a girl.  You are not pregnant, and quite frankly I am not concerned with what sex baby you have until you are actually pregnant.  Right now I am focused on my baby, and whether or not our nursery will be put to use in 5 months.  Yes I am being selfish, and yes I feel completely entitled to at the moment.

Finally, do not tell me not to worry.  I've lost two babies and I have no guarantee that this one will be ok either.  Would you tell the mother of a cancer patient not to worry?  Afterall, your child may get better.  No, I am a mother and I worry.  Sometimes the worry is productive, sometimes it isn't, but I'm going to worry until my baby is in my arms, and telling me not to isn't going to change anything.  I get that it probably comes from a good place and it pains you to see us hurting and worrying, and you are probably worried as well and are trying to calm yourself as well as calm us.  But let me talk about what scares me.  And I understand losing Kayla affected a lot of people, and a lot of people are worried about Boo, but as their parents, I think we kind of gets dibs on being the most worried and if that's what we need to do, then let us.

Ok, I feel a bit better now 

Capture your Grief Day 18- 18 wks 1 days

Day 18. Your Family Portrait Take a photo of you with your family, work out a way to incorporate your baby/ies/child/ren who are no longer physically with you anymore. You could hold up photos of them or even just hold their names with you. What does your family look like now? Is it just you left here? Do you have a large family? Is it just you and your partner?

Oops, I'm a little late today.  Here is my husband and I with Kayla's butterfly at the remembrance walk.  We do have a large family, and they are all great and supportive.  Actually this picture of us is our family of four, Kayla was with us in spirit and I'm pregnant with Boo here.
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 I had a bit of a scare today.  I had more discharge today than other days and sorry for the TMI, but it was kind of yellowish.  I never questioned my excessive discharge last time and I should have, so it worried me and I didn't want to ignore it so I called the nurse.  They must have been really busy though because she didn't get back to me until she was about to leave, and by the time I got her message she was gone.

I went back and forth on it, and fnally decided to call the doctor on call.  If tomorrow were a week day, I would have just waited and called the office, but since it's Friday I would have had to wait until Monday.  Luckily again it was my doctor that was on call.  My other doctor would have been good too, but I always worry it's going to be one of the guy doctors.  I've only met one very briefly in the hospital and they just aren't familiar with my history.

My big fear was that she wouldn't give me a yes or no answer as to whether the discharge was bad, but just have me come in just in case.  Of course it's always better to be safe than sorry, but it's just not plausible to run to L&D every singe time I worry, so I try to really determine if I need to call or go.  I just hated the idea of being stuck there all night if it turned out to be nothing.  But I spoke to my doctor and she said what I was describing was normal.  She said she understands I am getting to the point where I am going to worry more, and she would be more than happy to see me, but she thought everything sounded normal so I didn't need to come in if I didn't want to.

That was exactly what I was hoping to hear.  I of course wonder about the woulda coulda shoulda last time, but there wasn't a whole lot of opportunity that I feel I could have or should have known to go in sooner than I did, that could result in things going differently.  But, I have this enormous amount of pressure to not ignore any red flags this time, but it's hard to know what is a red flag, and what is more unnecessary worry.  But after I talked to her it was like all the worry (for now) was lifted and I'm so excited to enjoy my weekend without worry in the back of my mind.

My anatomy scan is coming up, just three days away!  It also starts my weekly appointments.  So I'll go weekly for the next 5 weeks, and my last weekly appt before I go back to every other week will be when I am 22 weeks 5 days, and we lost Kayla at 22 weeks 2 days.  So assuming all still looks good, I think I will feel ok to go back to every other week.  I just can't wait to see Boo on Tuesday. 

PS I'm pretty sure I felt at least a few kicks yesterday and today.  Nice to feel them again, it's been a while since the initial ones.

Capture your Grief Day 17- 18 wks

Day 17. Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates Share a photo of what you did for your baby/ies/child/rens special day. Did you hide away in bed? Did you have a cake? Did you have a party? What did you do?

As shown in yesterday's picture, our family and a couple close friends all met at the cemetery and we did a balloon release.  Afterward we went back to our house and we had a BBQ.  This was the day after my due date, on my actual due date I had to work.  I was ok, but I really wish I hadn't had to work.

Depending on when Boo is born, I am not sure we'll get to do something for Kayla's first angelversary because we could very well be in the hospital having Boo.  But as soon as we can, we'll definitely do something.  I am not sure what yet.  Maybe a balloon release just my husband and I.  But in future years I definitely want to include Boo, especially since they'll (hopefully) have close birthdays.

Capture your Grief Day 16; 17 wks 6 days

Day 16. Release Balloons, lanterns, butterflies, doves.

This is from the balloon release we did the day after Kayla's due date.  If you've never done one, I highly suggest it.  It's so beautiful to watch the balloons drift up to Heaven.
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 18 weeks tomorrow and I am still throwing up.  It's much less frequent now, like once every week to two weeks, rather than every few days.  But I swear it's more "violent" now.  Even after everything is up, I keep heaving.  I almost always get broken blood vessels on my face, but now it's like my face is all swollen and tight after because of all the pressure.  Afterward my face is hot and literally hurts.  Even now, it's been like an hour and my throat is still killing me and it feel like I have something stuck.  I'd rather go back to more frequent but less severe episodes. 

Capture your Grief Day 15- 17 wks 5 days

Day 15. WAVE of LIGHT Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light!

October 15th- 17 wks 5 days

Today, October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  I'll be lighing my candle tonight, and writing my Capture my Grief post later, but right now I want to remember all of the lost babies I know.

Sarah's little angel and Bootsie
 Erin's Jackson
 Stasy's William
 Kelly's two little angels

and of course, my little angel, and Kayla.  You'll never be forgotten sweet babies! 

Capture your Grief Day 14-17 wks 4 days

Day 14. Community Our community is so amazing, but with that being said, none of us want to be a member. Share a photo of a community gathering or event that you have attended.

My husband and I, along with my dad, MIL, and FIL went to a walk sponsored by the TEARS Foundation called The Rock N Walk.  It was the first annual event in our area, so it was small, but I hope to attend each year and see it become a bigger event each time.  We participated in the fundraiser and raised $250 which I later learned was enough to pay for a cremation for one family, or a special urn.  It felt good to be able to pay our good fortune forward.  Our parents paid for Kayla's visitation, funeral, grave, and gravestone.  There is no way we would have ever afforded that on our own.  It's wonderful that the hospital provides an option free of charge to give parents a place to go to mourn their children, but if we can help families avoid the free generic graves then I am more than happy to.
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So I chickened out, I canceled my appointment with the pastor.  I just don't think I am ready yet.  I was excited, but as I got closer and closer to the appointment, I was very nervous about going.  Once I was there and started talking I would have probably been happy to be there, but right now it's stressing me out.  I emailed her to let her know, and she said she understands and whenever I am ready, she's there.  So hopefully I'll be ready in the near future.  But she did tell me that also had a loss, an earlier miscarriage, but she had a friend that went through a stillbirth so she said she has walked the path of questioning her faith as well.  I just wish it was easier to take that step to go talk to her.

But I do feel better after talking to my dad the other day.  We have very similar personalities and views on things, so he knew where I was coming from when I said I don't believe God makes things happen, good or bad.  But I was confused about what He does do.  My dad said, he gave us life, and free will.  Basically our lives our ours to do what we choose with them, he is there to comfort us and support us, but our life goes where we take it.  Some people never have anything bad happen to them, while others cannot seem to climb out from under the bad, but He doesn't make any of it happen.

That was a very satisfying answer for me.  While I've had plenty of bad stuff happen to me, I've had tons of wonderful amazing things happen to me as well.  I always know that whatever I am going through, someone, somewhere has it worse.  I like the idea that God gave us life, and gave us the power to control it the way we see fit.  He's always there for us, but he lets us stumble and celebrate on our own, like a good parent.  So I may not be ready to talk to the pastor yet, I do feel like I've gotten some answers and have a better outlook on my faith.

Speaking of my wonderful dad, he was over our house yesterday putting in the electrical boxes for our outside outlets.  I was meeting his girlfriend at his house to go shopping, so he ended up leaving about 10 or 15 minutes before I did, but I still beat him to his house.  So when he got there I asked where he got lost, and he said he stopped to visit his granddaughter.  I was confused for a minute, but then I realized he meant Kayla, and he stopped by the cemetery <3  I know he loves Kayla, and I know he was broken hearted over her loss, but I always worried that he might not consider her his first granddaughter, or maybe it just wouldn't occur to him that she is.  But when he said that my heart melted :)

Capture your Grief Day 12-17 wks 2 days

Day 12. Scents Do you have a scent that you relate to your baby/ies/child/ren? Is it a candle scent, perfume, food or maybe a flower? Share it with us!

I've thought and thought on this one, but I just cannot think of any scent to associate with Kayla.   I guess the closest I can get is just nature, the outdoors.  I feel closest to her at her grave, so on a beautiful day with a nice breeze.....
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Capture your Grief Day 11- 17 wks 1 day

Day 11. Supportive Friends/Family Who has been there for you?

Oh gosh, so many people I cannot fit all of their pictures on here, but just to name a few; my dad, his girlfriend Brenda, my best friend Amanda, my MIL Donna, my FIL Joe, my SIL Jenny, my friends Sarah, Erin, Jessica, Mary, George, poeple from the bump, aunts and uncles, friends' parents, nurses, my doctors, and strangers that I just happen to tell my story to.  I hope I didn't leave anybody out.  But the one person who shares my pain, and knows exactly what I am going through is my amazing husband Ryan.  He may be stubborn at times, and a smart ass, but I always know if I need to come home and burst into tears, he is waiting with open arms.  He never left my side at the hospital, he was there for me physically, emotionally and he often put his own pain aside to make sure I was ok.  I love him so very much, and I cannot imagine my life without him.
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I've written a lot in here about my struggles with my faith since losing Kayla.  I've never been a super vocal person about my religion, I don't constantly "praise Jesus" or say God is good.  I don't quote the bible on facebook....actually I cannot quote the Bible at all.  But I always felt that I had a private relationship with God.  I was secure in what I believed, and I was content.  But I feel like I don't know anything anymore.  I have so many questions, and so much anger. 

I go to counseling every month, and it's wonderful.  I have several online support groups and friends that know where I am coming from, and as you can see many friends who are there for me no matter what.  But I've been thinking for a long time now about seeking some sort of spiritual counseling, but I didn't know where to go.  I don't really go to church, and the closest thing to a home church is the church I attended as a kid.  I was baptized there, my parents were married there, my husband and I were married there.  The pastor there is new, she came since we got married three years ago, but she did officiate my grandma's funeral last summer, and she recognized me at church last Christmas Eve and asked how I was doing and even remembered my grandma's name.  Considering my grandma hasn't been to church in probably 30 years or more, I was very touched that she remembered and recognized me.

But I was hesitant to call because I never go anymore, except for Christmas Eve, and she barely knows me.  But my dad convinced me that she is there to help people and she won't care that I don't go regularly and I don't contribute financially.  I was very nervous, but I emailed her (lol, I couldn't work up the nerve to call) and she responded quickly, expressed how sorry she was to hear about Kayla and that of course she can meet with me.  So we're meeting Tuesday evening after I get off work.  I also can't help but notice that it's also National Pregnancy and Infact Loss Remembrance Day, how appropriate.  I'm nervous, but very excited to go.  I may not get all of the answers I'm seeking, but I think it will help me.

Now, on to the lesson of the day boys and girls.  Things that may seem funny and tongue-in-cheek are not funny or appropriate for certain people.  If you know someone who has lost a child, especially in the very recent six months, please know that they will not appreciate it if you buy them a book called "How not to kill your baby".  No matter how well intentioned you may be, just don't.

Capture you Grief Day 10- 17 wks

Day 10. Symbol Do you have a symbol for your baby/ies/child/ren? It could be a butterfly, dragonfly, a humming-bird, dolphin, seashell, share what it is and why it is so symbolic to you.

Kayla's symbol is a butterfly.  Her nursery wasn't going to have a theme per se, but her mobile, lamp and a couple wall hangings were going to have butterflies on them.  Since we lost her and deciding that butterflies were the symbol that reminded us of her, I've seen that butterflies is a pretty popular theme amongst lost babies.  I found this and I agree that it is a good symbol:
Butterfly: A butterfly represents the soul. It signifies a short life - the butterfly transforming from caterpillar (life) through chrysalis (death) to butterfly (resurrection) in only a short space of time.

As you can see from yesterday's post, we have butterflies on her grave stone .  We put in new landscape this past summer and some of the flowers we planted attract butterflies, and I always smile when I see them fluttering around the yard.  We just got this ornament a few days ago and I think it is such a beautiful symbol for our beautiful butterfly.
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So the spotting got a little worse last night, but today it is better.  I was very anxious and nervous at bed time because in addition to the light pink on the TP, the toilet water was now a bright pinkish red.  I had a pretty fitful sleep, and actually dreamed that I had the baby, but again she was a fine, and a girl.  Given my multiple dreams about Boo being a girl, and my picturing her being a girl, it's probably a boy, lol.  But don't get me wrong, a boy would be just fine too.  I just want to bring Boo home, no matter a P or a V.

So this morning I got up and it wasn't any better, but thankfully no worse.  So I called in for at least the morning, and went back to bed until the doctor opened.  I talked to the nurse, she said I could come in for heart tones, but I didn't see the point of that since I found the HB three times with my doppler.  She agreed that it very well could have been from the pelvic exam and that if it stayed pink, she wasn't too worried.

I considered going into work for the afternoon, but like Ryan said, if it got worse or even continued as it was at work, I would probably freak out, so I just took the whole day off and took it easy.  By the afternoon it had turned more brownish, and now in the evening it's almost gone.  Whew!  I mean, I knew at 17 weeks the chances of bleeding meaning a total loss is kind of slim, at least not like bleeding at say 8 weeks.  And since sex can cause spotting, it made complete sense that a pelvic exam, and might I say not the most gentle pevic exam could do it as well.  I'll have a pelvic exam every two weeks, so I had better just expect to spot every time. 

But still, no matter how much I can expect it, it's still scary and I'm so thankful everything is ok.

Capture your Grief Day 9- 16 wks 6 days

Day 9. Special Place This could be a place that you visit that brings you peace. Maybe it is a place that you went to when you were pregnant or where your child’s place of rest is.

I'm a big cemetery person; I know some aren't, but I find a lot of comfort visiting a loved ones grave.  If I am having a bad day, the cemetery is often the first place I go, I like the peace and quiet and I feel like she can hear me best when I am there.  I also try to go frequently to do upkeep around her grave.  I was at the store yesterday and picked her out a tiny pumpkin so I'll have to go soon to take it to her.

I was very happy when her grave stone came in and it was absolutely perfect.  We'll never get to buy her toys or dolls or anything else, so this was the one thing we could buy for our daughter that shows everyone how much we love her.
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Sigh, why can't I ever have two good pregnancy days in a row?  First, I am spotting.  It's not a lot, it's mostly just light pink on the TP, and this last time the water was slightly tinged pink, but so far nothing is on the pad.  I managed to finish making dinner and eat before I broke out the doppler and Boo's heartbeat is strong as ever, around 164.  I just hate hate spotting and I wish it would never happen.  I was going to clean the kitchen tonight but decided I should take it easy.  Since my cervix just measured long and was closed yesterday, I'm pretty confident that everything is fine and doesn't warrant a call to the on call doc, but I'd be so thrilled if it stops soon.

She did a pelvic exam yesterday to check my stiches and cervix so maybe she just irritated it and that's why I'm spotting.  Let's hope so.  So on top of that, my soon to be SIL is trying to set the date for their wedding.  She text me and asked if I have talked to Brenda yet about my shower date.  I said no, I don't want to start planning it until after my loss milestone of 22 weeks, but off the top of my head probably mid -January, I'll be 30-32 ish weeks.  She asked when my due date was again, and I knew what was coming....to see if I am open to having my shower at the beginning of February, because she's concerned about having the wedding when I am very far along and not able to come, or that they won't be back from their honeymoon when the baby comes.

Ok first, I said I didn't want to discuss my shower yet.  I went into labor the day we were planning it last time, so at 17 weeks, no I definitely am not in any rush to discuss it, especially on a night when I am spotting and anxious.  Second, I completely understand that a person's wedding day is important.  My wedding day was one of the best days of my life, and I am happy for them, but right now I really cannot be concerned when their wedding is.  It's tough to plan around a normal pregnancy, let alone a high risk one.

Boo is going to come when he wants to come, and my cervix is going to do what it's going to do.  At this point, I can't even say for sure that things will still be ok next month, so I certainly can't say what is going to happen in four months.  Third, I know a shower is a gift and you should be grateful that people want to do it at all and you shouldn't be demanding....but given my situation, I think I have a little leeway to be a little picky about when I have it.  I have no clue what is average for someone with an IC.  I have a ton of hope that we'll make it far enough that Boo can survive, and even better to avoid any serious NICU time, but I have to say, I am not super confident about making it past 37 weeks.

I need as little stress as possible, so having a shower around 34+ weeks makes me anxious.  I've had to give up many things in our attempt to bring home a baby, and while it pales in comparison, if we are blessed enough to be able to bring Boo home, healthy and stress free, I would like to get to have a shower and celebrate Boo's arrival with my friends and family.  Of course bringing Boo home is the most important thing, but if we could celebrate before her arrival and I get to do one normal happy thing that pregnant women get to do, that would be very nice.

Like I said, I don't want to act like me being pregnant is more important than her getting married; their both very exciting things for the person going through them.  But I've been pregnant since July, she's been engaged for four days.  I'm under a lot of stress and I don't want to be forced into doing things I am uncomfortable with, and I simply cannot give her the answers she's looking for.  Basically they need to pick a date, and whatever happens happens.  I hate the idea of not going to my brother's wedding, but my health and my baby's health is my top priority.  I've accepted a lot of things are out of my control, and should the timing of their wedding somehow not work well for one reason or another, there's nothing I can do about that.

Capture your Grief Day 8- 16 wks 5 days

Day 8. Jewellery Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren? Share it!

 

My necklace was sent to me by a dear friend of mine.  She lives about 10 hours away and wasn't able to be here for the funeral or anything, and I actually haven't seen her since my wedding almost three years ago.  But she's always been such a great friend, and I know it pained her to not be here for me when I needed her.  She sent flowers the day we got home from the hospital, and she's been in touch a lot to see how we're doing and is always sending good thoughts for Boo. 

It was a day that I was still on maternity leave and Ryan had gone back to work.  It was one of my "lazy, don't feel like doing anything" days so I was excited to get a small package in the mail.  I wasn't expecting anything, so it was like Christmas morning and I was so excited to see what it was.  I opened it up and it was this beautiful angel necklace from my friend.  She said she was out and she saw it and instantly thought of me.  I love that it represents that my daughter is now an angel, but also how much my friends mean to me.
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 So I had my first cervical measurement today.  I was pretty optimistic leading up to today, but then I got very nervous last night and this morning.  But it went fabulous!  At this point anything over 3 cm is good, and mine is 4.4 and it is firm and closed!  Wow, what a relief.  I know we have a long ways to go, but obviously any shortening already would be a bad sign, so I am so thrilled that it is really long.  If I am not mistaken, it's very long even for a pregnancy without risk of IC. 

I also lost weight this week.  Well I knew by my own scale that I lost three pounds last week, but the doctor's scale today said I have lost 6 since my last appointment.  I am not sure how accurate that is since I have different clothes on each time and I may or may not have eaten already, but I'll take it. 

 

The only bad news of the appt was my fasting numbers are not good, and I have to start nightly insulin shots before dinner.  But that's not surprising at all, I knew my numbers were bad, so I knew insulin was coming.  So the nurse taught me how to load the syringe, and I did a practice shot while I was there.  It really isn't painful which is a relief.  So I'll start those tonight....she thinks I may need to do one before breakfast as well, but they're giving me a few days to see how the night dose does, and maybe it will help control into the morning as well.  So all in all a great appointment, and I feel so optimistic right now of bringing home Boo someday.  I even feel optimistic about another kid after Boo. 

 

I know that's getting the cart ahead of the horse, but I've always been on the fence about it.  But when I learned what a difficult pregnancy this could be, I couldn't imagine doing this again if I do have shortening and need to be off work for bed rest.  Like I said, I have many more measurements that I need to get through, but starting off the first one with a good measurement does give me a flicker of hope that I can have a successful pregnancy, and go on to have another if we chose someday. 

 

 



Capture your Grief Day 7- 16 wks 4 days

Day 7. What To Say We all talk about the bad things people say to us but we rarely focus on the good that people say to us. Share a tip for those who don’t have any idea on what to say. Write it down – photograph it.

I'm so happy for this subject today.  While understandable, much of my blog is sadness and anger over what people haven't done or the bad things they've said, but writing down the good comments made me realize how many more good comments there were than bad, and how much love and support we've had surrounding us.

I've written about it before, but one of my favorite comments came from my dad's girlfriend's daughter.  She is 40 years old, but has cerebral palsy and has the mind of a 7 year old.  I didn't see her for a couple of months after our loss, and I am certain that was deliberate on Brenda's part, most likely afraid Rhonda would say the wrong thing to me.   I have to admit, I was afraid to see her.  Not sure of what she would say, and unsure I would be able to hold my composure if she said something not great. 

Finally we went to a BBQ at Brenda's house one day, and I had been there for about half an hour when Rhonda came out onto the porch.  There were about 6 others on the porch with us, and she came up to me, gave me a hug and quietly said, I'm so sorry you lost your baby.  It was one of, if not the sweetest comment I received and it still brings tears to my eyes when I think of it.

One of the simplest things to say, but one of the most effective is I'm sorry for your loss.  It's to the point, it comforting and it's not trying to tell me how to feel, how to think or what happened.  It's suitable for any kind of loss, and I doubt a person on this earth could find fault with it.

 I was always very moved by the comments that showed that others hurt with us.  We grieve with you, our hearts are broken, my heart breaks for you....I once read that in a tragedy, you have layers of people affected.  In the middle were of course Ryan and I.  As her parents, we were the ones most affected, we were the ones whose hearts were ripped out.  In the outer ring is our parents, siblings, and best friends, who lost their granddaughter and niece.  They hurt for the loss of Kayla, and they hurt because we were hurting.  And then there is the next outer ring, which is our friends, extended family and acquaintances.  Of course they were not as deeply affected by our loss, but to know that they hurt too, that they were crushed by Kayla's loss, and hurt for us gave us so much support.  It showed me how much Kayla was loved, how important her life was and how important we are to our friends and family.

My other favorite comments are ones where people acknowledge that she was our daughter, and use her name.  One of the biggest fears among loss parents is that our children will be forgotten, especially as new children come into the world.  I cannot wait to meet Boo, I cannot wait till he or she is here and I can hold them and rock them and watch them grow.  But I will never stop missing Kayla, a part of me that's happy to experience these things with Boo, will always be sad I didn't get to experience them with Kayla.  Using her name, calling her our daughter and acknowldging that she was a person that lived, if only for a very short time, keeps her alive in our hearts.  As long as she is remembered, she will never truly be gone.

Capture your Grief Day 6- 16 wks 3 days

Day 6. What Not To Say Have you had something terrible said to you in the wake of your loss, write it on a piece of paper – photograph it – vent it.

The first two were gems from my old boss.  It was just days after we lost her, I went in to my office after hours to get something off my computer and of all people I didn't want to run into, she was still there and came over to talk to us.  I've ranted about the "it was part of God's plan" too many times, so I'll pass on that one.  But what would make a person think that it's ever ok to tell her former employee and her husband (that she was meeting for the first time) that we can have fun trying again, just 4 days after we lost our daughter.  First, please do not ever reference anything about my husband and I having sex.  Secondly, trying to get pregnant is not fun, especially for as long as we had been trying.  It's work, it's timing, it's not fun....at all.  Sometimes the ends justified the means and it turned out to be enjoyable, but you want to do something because you want to, not because you're about to ovulate so you have to.

Third, we were trying again when I should have been in my third trimester with Kayla.  She made it sounds as though our mindset should be, well we lost that one, but whohoo let's go try again.  Like it was no big deal, like Kayla was not important and we'll just try to replace her.  That was by far the most hurtful implication of that statement.  

The final statement was made by a co-worker when she saw a picture of Kayla's gravestone.  I try to have understanding for the most part, I try to tell myself that people just don't understand and they never will if they haven't been there.  But there was just so much disgust and judgement in her tone when she said that, I literally wanted to punch her in the face and I have barely spoken to her since.  Not that she and I were ever friends, but she's not even worth my time of small talk in the office anymore.  Kayla was a person, she was my daughter and it makes me sick that anyone would speak of her as if she didn't even deserve a name.

Capture your Grief Day 5- 16 wks day 2

Day 5. Memorial This could be anything you have had done in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren. It could be their plaque at the cemetery or a tree that has been planted in their memory, anything at all.

This is just a temporary memorial garden for now.   We have grand plans to make one corner of the yard a garden for her with the angel as a centerpiece, an archway and some beautiful flowers including some forget-me-nots and maybe a garden stone with a nice inscription.  With landscaping the front yard this summer, we kind of ran out of time and funds, plus we want to really have time to plan it and do it right.  But I love this temporary one we did, just to have something for her for now.

Capture your Grief Day 4- 16 wks 1 day

Day 4. Most Treasured Item Something that relates to your baby/ies/child/ren. Maybe it is their hand and foot prints or a photograph. Whatever it is we would love to see it.

Anything we have pertaining to Kayla is a treasured item, but when it comes to things that are irreplaceable, I'd have to say her outfit she wore in the hospital.  I hated to even wash it, but the nurse recommended we do because of fluids and such, and she was right, there were some stains.  I just hated to wash the last and only thing she ever wore and touched.  We put it in a shadow box and hung it in the nursery.
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I went out today and bought The Little Mermaid.  I only have it on VHS, and it's released from the vault so I wanted to make sure to get it while it's out.  If Boo turns out to be a girl, I need to stock up on princess movies  :)

I just realized how optimistic I'm being about the future.  We plan on announcing to FB and therefore our extended family and friends after we pass Kayla's loss milestone.  I am excited to do this, and I probably think about it almost everyday.  But I don't think about "if" we get to announce, I think when.  I go for my first cervical measurement next week, and for whatever reason I am not nervous that I'll have shortened.  I don't know why, usually I tend to think the worst because I seem to think it will be easier to take any bad news if I prepare for it (psssha), but I feel very confident that my cervix will be ok.  I hope my feeling is right.

But to all you Positive Pattis out there, I feel this way because I feel this way.  Harping on me to think positively, or not to worry does not do any good.  I cannot make myself feel optimistic, I just do.  So for the good news/bad news this week....the bad news is, I am still having troubles controlling my bloodsugar, which is frustrating, but I did lose 3 pounds this week, putting me at a negative 5 pounds this pregnancy so far.  Having a deficit is a nice cushion so I don't worry about gaining too much.  And maybe it will keep my doctors from thinking I am not trying to control my sugar....I don't know if they would think that or not, but at least my weight does speak for itself and shows I must be doing something right. 

Capture your Grief Day 3, 16 wks

Day 3. After Loss Self Portrait Share a photo of you after your loss. Sam as yesterday if you would prefer to you can share a drawing/skecth or painting you have done!

This was taken at Kayla's balloon release the day after her due date.  This picture is a good representation of me now.   I sometimes smile, I often cry, but most days I am just there.  I think there is an underlying sadness in this picture, even though I was trying to keep my composure. 

Capture your Grief day 2- 15 wks 6 days

Day 2. Before Loss Self Portrait Share a photo of you before your loss. You could share a drawing/sketch or painting you have done if you would prefer that!

This was taken I believe around 18 weeks with Kayla.  Most of my weekly pictures were not share-worthy because I looked a mess after work and my hair was just in a messy bun.  But this day I had just gotten my hair cut, and my husband and I were going out for Sushi that night for a belated Valentine's day celebration.  We were just days away from our anatomy scan in which we would find out we were having a little girl.  I was very very happy.
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Whiiine, my gums hurt!  It would be ok if it were like the pregnancy gingivitus last time where eating chewy things hurt my tender gums.  But this time, they're not just tender to pressure....actually they're not tender to preassure at all, but the mere presence of any food irritates them.  But the worst is my tounge.  My tounge is so sore; I normally always brush my tounge after my teeth but I just can't do it right now, it feels like I'm using the coarsest sand paper there is. 

A little background on my tounge ('cause you always wanted to know right)....I have a geographical tounge.  You can google it, but beware, some of the pics looks like the person's tounge is rotting in their mouth.  Mine does NOT look like that.  Mine just has what looks like a few cuts on it.  I never thought my tounge looked weird until my husband mentioned it, and he stuck his tounge out at me, which to my surprise had no cuts whatsoever.  Whoa, normal tounges really don't look like mine?

So the next time I was at the dentist I asked my hygenist if my tounge looked weird to her.  She paused and said, well, you have a geographical tounge, it's perfectly normal but you're more susceptical to certain foods bothering it.  She was right, even when not pregnant, certain foods bother me, but not always.  Sometimes I can gobble down a Fattoush salad like a pro, other times about halfway through the dressing starts to burn....sometimes even a candy bar is too hard on my tounge, I guess the sugar.  She said she does not clean my dad or brother's teeth, so she can't say if they have it and she couldn't remember if my mom had it, but it is genetic.

So the next time I saw my dad I told him to stick out his tounge.  He looked like I was nuts and I told him why.  He didn't want to do it, so I was like does your tounge have little cracks and what looks like cuts and he said yes they all do.  Ha, he is the culprit!  I highly doubt BOTH of my parents had it.  The next time I saw my brother, I made him stick out his tounge and he got the cursed tounge as well.

So yeah, some foods often hurt my tounge, but this is like pain X 10,000.  I see my dentist soon, so I'll have to ask if it's a pregnancy thing.  I seem to remember my tender gums feeling much better by about 18-19 weeks last time, so I am hoping this goes away soon.  I already have a strict diet for GD, I can't limit it even more with soft, bland foods.

On another whiney note, I am sick.  My husband shared his cold with me, how nice of him.  But he feels really really bad, and even went to Target and bought me a whole mess of pregnancy approved medicine.  I wuv him!  It started on Saturday, I was a little sneezy, but we had gone to the Humane Society to look at dogs, and ended up playing with cats while we were there too.  So I assumed they bothered my allergies.  Luckily we didn't find anything we liked (though there were about a dozen kittens I would have snapped up in a heartbeat if Ryan would let me be a crazy cat lady).  We had decided against a dog right now, because with the high risk pregnancy, possible future bed rest, and just a new baby in generl, we don't need the extra stress of a new puppy.

But when your husband excitedly says, let's go look at puppies today!....well how do you say no to that?  So there is a chance we could end up with a dog, if we end up going often enough and actually find one we want.  It won't be the smartest thing we've ever done, but whatevs, puppies are cute!  By Sunday night I was starting to think it wasn't allergies, that he had given me his cold and by Monday I was absolutely miserable.  I've had to force myself to go to work all week....yesterday I was so close to leaving at noon but I talked myself into staying.  I've got 10 vacation hours, and I need to save them for Vegas at the end of the month. 

So I've decided that Boo is going to be a laid back baby.  I hope so anyway....I have no idea if Kayla would have been wild, but I always had to search for her with the doppler, she could be anywhere, and on ultrasounds she was quite wiggly.  But Boo, everytime I use my doppler, I find him square in the middle, every time.  On u/s, he moves around a bit, but the one time she was standing on her head, and the next time she was laying on her face.  I think he finds a position that is comortable and just sets up camp.  My mom said I didn't move a whole lot, and I ended up being a very laid back baby who loved my sleep, so I'm hoping for the same for Boo.

Capture your Grief Day 1- 15 wks 5 days

Day 1. Sunrise I thought it would be sweet for us all to capture the beginning of this beautiful project and important month by us all getting up early to photograph the sunrise from wherever we are in the world. I know depending on where you are and what climate you are in that there may not be a sunrise, but if you can still get to a window, snap a photo of the morning
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Ok so I cheated a little, this picture is from the morning of my cerclage as we were driving to the hospital.  I love looking at the sky in the morning, it's my one good thing on my drive to work.  But I'm usually running late and I doubt it would be good to be a hazard on the road, trying to get a picture while I drive.  This was taken Thursday September 19th at around 7:45am in Dearborn, Mi