Hospital Bag-28 wks 4 days

I'm still too superstitious to pack my bag.  Last time I packed it at just over 20 weeks (I am an insane planner and I love to make lists and cross things off as I accomplish them) and I ended up needing it a week and a half later.  So this time, I refuse to pack it any earlier than 34 weeks.  I feel like that is "safe", so to speak.  It's plenty of time just in case I were to go before my induction date, but it's not so insanely early that it would be very scary.  Ok, little tangent here....I think it's interesting how everything is relative. 

I am sure to anyone whose only had term babies, going into labor anytime before 37 weeks is scary as hell.  But when you've gone at 22 weeks, you have a different definition of very scary.  To me, while not ideal, 30 is doable, 34 is pretty good and 37 is wow, you made it so long.  I wish I didn't have to have that viewpoint....but Boo, are you listening?  You can go till your induction date, that would be fine by me.  I never used to think a scheduled birth sounded appealing, that just going into labor and ending up with whatever birthdate you get was the way to go.  Now let me clarify, I am not looking forward to pitocin, and if it wasn't medically necessary I wouldn't choose to be induced, but I have to say, it's kind of nice to be able to say, my last day of work is March 14th.  And my husband and I have that last weekend together and I'll hopefully feel up to a date night while we have the chance, and it sounds nice to just wake up, gather our things and go to the hospital on my scheduled day. 

We've already done "rush to the hospital in the middle of the night" thing, so I don't mind not doing it this time.  So anyway, back to the bag.  So I was feeling ok enough to write out the list yesterday of what I want to pack.  It's so funny how much shorter the list gets the second time around.  I thought I was doing good the first time because I nixed about half of what was on the hospital's list, but I think this time my list is about half the size of my first list.  And, the hospital really needs to update theirs, they still have "phone numbers and change for calling family" as one of the things to bring. 

What a day- 28 wks 4 days

I am exhausted, mentally and physically.  It was one of those days where everything that could go wrong, did.  I have 10 hours of mandatory overtime this week, so I went in an hour early, worked through lunch and stayed an hour late.  Since we have Wednesday off for NYD and I leave early Thursday for a doctor appt, I have to squeeze in the extra hours where I can.

So my husband was just getting home from work when I was getting ready, and I was talking to him while I was getting my stuff together.  Apparently I cannot talk while gathering things....I forgot my insulin, thankfully realized when I was halfway down the street and went back.  But when I went to eat my PM snack today, I realized I forgot to put in a fresh ice pack so my yogurt and cheese was warm.  So much for my PM snack.  Just like the last few weeks, I was crazy busy today and my boss keeps calling me to his desk to explain some numbers to him, some of which I've explained several times already.

Part of it isn't his fault, he has audit on his ass wanting to know what all these high dollar amounts are, so he has to come to me for explanations.  But I want to scream at him, the more you take me away from my work to explain the out of balances, the longer they will stay out of balance.  My co-worker called off today after having all of last week off.  Now I know, it happened to me once where I got sick the night before going back to work after a vacation....but given the fact that she left me all alone last week during the busiest time of the year, she may be leaving at 2 tomorrow and we have Wednesday off, she had better have been very very sick to not come in.  If she just wasn't feeling well, she really should have sucked it up and came in.  I was told today that we have to do the 10 hours OT during the week, but even after that we may still have to work this weekend.  Honestly I don't think I should have to.  Her being off all this time is what put us so behind....yeah we would be busy still, but of course two people is better than one and we wouldn't be so far behind.  If OT is needed this weekend, I think I should get a pass.  Especially considering all of my OT will only be straight time because of the holiday. 

We have our 3D ultrasound this Saturday morning and I am NOT rescheduling, so if I do have to work this weekend they'll just have to deal with me coming in when I get in, which likely won't be till noon or later.  So I had planned on staying an hour late tonight to get caught up and put in my OT, but everything went to hell and I spent that last hour finishing my regular work.  One of my programs crashed, then I went to print the first page of a spreadsheet but I forgot to put in 1 of 1....ten minutes later I went to the printer to find a half of a ream printed out, it was trying to bring all 1300 pages of the spreadsheet.

I canceled all of the print jobs on my computer, I hit stop on the printer multiple times but nothing was working.  Finally 200 pages later I figured out how to go into the printer itself and cancel the job.  Ugh.  This day can suck it.

My bellybutton is getting closer and closer to being flat....I give it another week or two.  Ewwwww, I hate belly buttons.  I don't want it to go flat, but that would be better than popping out.  I seriously want to puke when I think about it popping out, belly buttons are so gross. 

My dad is so funny....I was telling him how our garage is so tight....we can fit both our cars in and get in and out, but that's about it.  When my husband is home, I cannot get my door open wide enough to get a carseat in.  So I decided I'll have to put Boo on my husband's trunk in her car seat, back out a little bit and then put her in the car, and the same thing in reverse when I come home.  So my dad says, well what are you doing to do when Ryan isn't home....haha, then I can just open my car door all the way, silly.  He was like oh yeah.

I had a thought this morning when I got up to pee for the second time....I can pretty much stumble to the bathroom, turn on the low light and then stumble back to bed.  But in a few months, getting up will take much longer as I'll be feeding Boo.  I can't wait till she's here, but man sometimes I'm really scared of how things are going to change.  But then again, at least during the first few months I can go back to bed after feedings since I won't be working.  Hopefully our little girl will take after her mommy and be a wonderful sleeper.

For Christmas we made a donation to St. Jude in Kayla's name, and when you make a donation in remembrance of someone you can fill out a card to send.  So even though the card was from me, to me, I cried when I read it.  The card said "St. Jude Children's Hospital has received a gift in honor of Kayla.  The gift will continue to give hope to the children of St. Jude today, tomorrow, and beyond.  We love you Kayla, love mommy and daddy!"

Sleep- 28 wks 3 days

They should rename third trimester to, "can't sleep for shit".  I spent most of yesterday at my brother's open house type gathering, so when I got home I was exhausted.  'Cause ya know, just being upright and breathing is exhausting these days, so I slept on the couch for a couple of hours in the evening.  So I didn't go to bed until about 2am, I wasn't super sleepy because of my nap and I couldn't get comfortable.

I am lucky that even up until just a week or so ago I was still sleeping fairly well.  Yeah I woke up everytime I rolled over, or got up to pee, but when I was in bed I was asleep and quite comfortable.  Last night, nothing got me there.  I laid there for a while before I even fell asleep, and everytime I rolled over it was apparent how uncomfortable I was.  Even when I got up to pee early this morning, coming back to bed just wasn't comfortable.  Uusually my bed somehow gets 100% more comfortable in the morning when you're supposed to get up, but not today.

So because I am not sleeping well, I want to sleep longer because I'm so tired.  Yesterday I got up around 10:30 and today it was 11:30.  Blah.  I don't like sleeping my day away.  When I was single, it was a pretty regular thing for me to sleep in till noon, 1 or even 2pm...I could sleep in like a champ!  But Ryan has always been a pretty early riser, and in the last several years I've seen the merit in getting up earlier.  I don't hate my job, I just hate going.  If I could wake up feeling rested, and snap my fingers and be there without dealing with traffic every day, I'd be quite happy.  But I cannot, so I cherish my weekends when I don't have to do any of that crap.

So I of course want my weekend to last as long as possible.  Getting up at 8:30 or 9 is ideal for me, you can sleep in a little bit but it's still early enough to enjoy most of your day.  But lately that just isn't happening.  We've been really busy at work with year-end stuff and my boss asked me on Friday if I wanted to come in this weekend.  No I don't want to come in this weekend, I'm pregnant, tired, and grumpy, you're lucky I come in when I have to let alone on the weekend.

He said depending on work load, we may have 10 hours of mandatory overtime this coming week.  Great, we're off Wednesday for New Year's Day and Thursday I am leaving at 3 for a doctor appointment, so I have to squeeze working 10 extra hours into a week where I am only working 30 instead of 40....not to mention the fact that it won't be time and a half, just extra straight time.  You have to already work 40 hours to get anything extra at time and a half, and it seems the only time I ever get an opportunity to get overtime are on holiday weeks when it won't actually be paid as time and a half.  And here's a thought, maybe you guys shouldn't have let my counterpart have almost the entire week of Christmas off.  Maybe then we wouldn't be as behind as we are.  I'm not a happy camper at work right now....maybe if we try for another baby in the future, we can plan it so that I'm on maternity leave for this time of year, hahaa.

So yesterday my dad and I were talking to my future SILs mother, and since I am visibly pregnant and I am sure they all know of my journey, of losing Kayla and being pregnant again....my pregnancy was kind of the talk of the day.  Especially when meeting new people, what better thing to ask about then the fact that I have an obvious baby bump.  We somehow started taking about grandchildren and my dad mentioned that he's just now getting his first where as his brother has 8 already.  Ugh, hearing him say that kind of felt like taking a bullet.  Boo isn't his first grandchild, Kayla is. 

I wanted to correct him, but I was taken off guard and we were surrounded by new people....I'm hoping it was just an in the moment faux pas.  Despite my dad being very social, it can still be a little nervewracking meeting a whole room full of new people and maybe the words came out before he could stop them.  It's not like he never talks about Kayla, he's come to events for her, and he made her that little Christmas tree.  A couple months ago he said he stopped by the cemetery to visit his granddaughter....so he must know she is his first and the slip just happened.

So far it hasn't really come up, anyone whose asked me if this baby is my first, I've somehow mentioned that we have lost two prior....but I am sure there will come a day when I slip and am uncomfortable and say yes, Boo is my first.  That doesn't mean I don't acknowledge Kayla as my first child, so I shouldn't get too down on my dad for what he said.  But I have to say, in that moment it did hurt. 

Daddies- 28 wks 1 day

I wanted to share this poem, it makes me cry my eyes out, but I think it's so important to recognize that the dads are hurting just as much as we are.  I sent this to my husband the night we got home from the hospital.

It must be very difficult

to be a man in grief,

Since "men don't cry",

and "men are strong",

No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult 

to stand up to the test,

And field the calls and visitors

so she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's alright

And what she's going through.

But seldom take his hand and ask,

"My friend, but how are you"?

He hears her crying in the night

and thinks his heart will break.

He dries her tears and comforts her,

But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult 

to start each day anew.

And try to be so very brave-

He lost his baby too.

(By Eileen Knight Hagemeister)

My husband was so amazing during and in the hours, days, weeks and months following our loss.  Our family and friends were very good to us both, but it makes me so sad that society in general tends to gravitate toward the women in situations like these.  Just because my husband never cried (that I know of) doesn't mean he wasn't absolutely heartbroken.  We sat hand in hand at Kayla's funeral, and I could feel his body tensing and relaxing, tensing and relaxing, desperately trying to hold back the tears and I know it was for my sake.  I love him so much for this, but I am also so heart broken that he felt he had to do that.  Yes I went through the physical pain of giving birth to her, and the emotional pain on losing something that was a part of me, but I am not sure which is worse....being in pain, or seeing someone you love being in pain.  My physical pain eventually subsided, but he will always have the memory of watching me go through that.

So 2013 is quickly coming to a close and 2014 is fast approaching.  The new year is bittersweet.  I look forward to 2014 being a happy year, filled with many blessing, the main one of course being meeting Boo and taking her home.  But I am also sad to leave 2013 behind.  Right after our loss, the first of each month was so hard for me as it felt like we were getting further and further away from when we last held Kayla, when we were last happy.  Each month it got easier and easier until eventually the first of the month no longer fazes me, but I feel it again with the new year approaching.  I was pregnant with Kayla in 2013, I still had the hopes and dreams of her being our child, home with us every day, and it was in 2013 that I held her for the first and last time; I'm afraid of leaving her behind.  But this was posted on the bump today, and it is an absolutely beautiful way to think of it.

 

 It's hard to read, but says, "I have to remember that time is not taking me farther from you, but that it is bringing me closer to seeing you again.  That to you, we only will have been parted for an insignificant moment".

Third Trimester!- 28 wks

Another milestone, third tri.  It feels good, like I have crossed the finish line of second tri and I am in the home stretch, 28 weeks down, 12 to go!  I am sure it won't feel quite like it....so far my pregnancy has flown by, but since I am entering the uncomfortable stage, I'm thinking time might go a little more slowly, but we'll see.

Christmas was good...better than expected.  Dinner with my family on Christmas Eve was nice; my stepsister bought us a picture frame that we can put Boo's pictures in, one for each month of the first year.  I also got an Amazon gift card that I might use to buy something off our registry, but I'll wait till after my shower and see what's left.  Dinner with my inlaws last night was good too....my SIL and BIL got us a gift card to a cool restaurant near their house, so they suggested we go this summer when we can eat outside, and drop Boo off at their house on the way so they can watch her while we go to dinner.  I'm so thankful we have so much family that not only volunteers to babysit, but ones that we trust too, haha.  They are wonderful parents and I wouldn't hesitate to leave her with them from day one.

Now my brother on the other hand....jk, he'll be great with her when she's a little older and he can take her fun places, but I am not too sure he'll be comfortable watching her when she's tiny.  But then again, I doubt we'd have the need to leave her very often in the first 6-10 months.  But I would assume his fiancee would also be watching her, and she's got baby experience.  I just know my brother would be a worry wart and be afraid of breaking her when she's too little.

My MIL hangs all of our stockings on the mantle, and I'm not sure if I've ever noticed before that there is a tiny one....it could be the dog's, but it was next to mine so I have to wonder if it was for Kayla.  That makes me very happy if so; and it probably was since she also got us a little angel girl ornament with her name on it.

Ryan came up with a new plan for Kayla's stuffed bear.  We were going to keep it at home during the winter and put it back at our grave in the spring, but he suggested we get a new one each year.  So each fall/winter we'll "retire" the one that is out there, bring it home, wash it and keep it at home.  Boo will be allowed to play with them, but she'll have to know that they're Kayla's and cannot be taken outside and she'll have to be careful with them.  Then for Christmas, we'll buy Kayla the new one for the year, that way she can have something in her stocking.  I love this idea and I love that he came up with it.  I love that he thinks of ways to keep her memory alive and still do things for her.  Aside from a few differences earlier on, our grief has pretty much been on the same page and I am thankful for that.  Sometimes losses like these can tear a couple apart, and that makes me so sad because it's the time we really need each other, and no one else on this earth knows what I am going through like my husband does.

9 months- 27 wks 5 days

It's been 9 months exactly since my baby girl was born.  I miss her so much and I wish I could hold her again.  I hate that this happened to us, and I hate that it happens to others.  It just breaks my heart. 

Today also would have been my grandpa's 86th birthday...hopefully he and Kayla are snuggling together in Heaven.  There is a picture of my grandpa holding me when I was 13 days old....I know because in the picture my mom was blowing out her birthday candles.  He had the look of complete joy and just ooozed "proud grandpa" as he held me.  I picture him with the same look on his face as he holds my daughter.

I'm looking forward to tonight, my family is coming over, we're hosting dinner and opening our presents with them.  We were going to go to church, but I get off work at 5 and church is at 5:30....I would make it on time, barely, but work has been insanely busy lately.  I keep getting stress headaches, and the idea of having a busy hectic day and then flying to get to church on time wore me out.  So instead I'll just go home and get dinner ready for our company. 

I'm kind of irritated though that my brother and his fiancee have also decided to bail on church since I'm not going, and now my dad isn't going either since nobody else is going.  I know he would have liked to have gone....in fact up until a couple years ago we never missed church on Christmas Eve. I am a little sad that I can't go tonight, if I got off work earlier, or wasn't so busy this time of year I would still go....but there really isn't a good reason my brother isn't going aside from the fact that I bailed.  I get the feeling my dad would have liked to have gone, but doesn't want to by himself. 

It's probably just as well that I'm not going...the really religious Christmas songs, especially Hark the Harold Angels Sing really chokes me up lately.  And my first Christmas Eve without my mom I had a hard time at church, and suspect tonight would have been similar.  I'd rather not be fighting to hold back the tears at church.

I can't wait to give my dad and Brenda their gift tonight....I got them each a smaller gift, but my brother and I went in together and we're sending them on an Alaskan Cruise.  Haha, they're going to be pissed that we're spending so much.  But I always said if I ever was in a position to do so, I would send my dad on a vacation, and Alaska is something he's been talking about for years.  We're totally going to make Brenda cry.  They're such wonderful people....my dad is amazing, the best dad in the world, and I couldn't have asked for a better partner for him than Brenda.  She's been a blessing in our lives and they both deserve this trip.  I also made her cry on her birthday....since she's not technically my stepmom since they're not married, I wanted her to know that I not only accept her in our family, but that I think of her as family.  So the card that I got her started with, you're like family to me, but I crossed out the "like" and I saw she got teary while reading it :)  Not that I enjoy making people cry, but I am glad she liked it.

I'm starting to get reaaaalllly uncomfortable.  Every movement hurts...I put my foot up on the toilet seat this morning after my shower to dry my leg and I got the worst cramp in my pelvic area.  Standing up, sitting down, laying down, rolling over in bed, getting in our truck....I cannot do any of that anymore without grunting or making some other kind of annoying noise.  I am still sleeping fairly decent, but when I first get into bed I'm uncomfortable as hell, and rolling over during the night always wakes me up.  I'm frightened of how I am going to feel in another month, or two or three. 

I think my least favorite new symptom is how I feel after I eat.  It's not about overeating, because with GD I can rarely eat so much that I can say wow, I'm stuffed.  But after I eat, my stomach.....my bump, not my actual stomach, feels super tight and full, like it's going to burst.  I assume it's because as my stomach gets food in it, it pushed everything else up to make room.  It's a really gross feeling....ahhh the joys of pregnancy that nobody tells you about.

Just one more day until third trimester, and another milestone!  Boo is still moving frequently, but I notice her kicks and jabs aren't quite as forceful....maybe as she gets bigger and there is less room, she can't put as much elbow grease behind her punches.  My news years resolution is going to be to get her nursery ready before the end of January.  I know there is still time, but my shower will be here before I know it, and we'll have more stuff to pile in there.  It makes me anxious to see junk still scattered in there and her crib still in the box.  Too bad I cannot drink a 5 hour energy drink, then it would be done within a couple hours.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas tomorrow!

Christmas pic-27 wks 3 days

I had a nice day today.  First I went to my dad's, and he made me one of my favorites for lunch, fried bologna!  I've tried making it at home, but it's just not the same.  I'm not exactly sure what makes it so good, the fact that fried bologna is good, or the mere fact that someone else made it.  That is probably the biggest thing I miss about living at home is having someone to make me food.  I love Ryan with all my heart, but the man doesn't cook.  No scratch that, he grills very well, his ribs are to die for.  But there is no place else you can sit on the couch, make a cute puppy dog face and say, "will you make me a sandwhich" than at your parents house.

So then we went out to the cemetery to decorate the tree my dad had already taken out there for my mom.  We got a bunch of small ornaments from the dollar store, and he bought some red tinsel like stuff to wrap around it.  It looked really nice, especially among the millions of wreathes that other graves have.  So then we went over to my grandparents' grave.....a few months ago my dad made a clip that he attached to their stone (they're in a mausoleum) so we can clip cards and stuff to it.  I printed off wallet sized pics of my two favorite pics of them so I clipped them to their stone.  Now everyone who sees it can see what an adorable couple they were.

I actually had a dream about them the other night.  First I dreamed about my grandpa; he looked really good, like maybe how he looked ten years ago.  I told him about Boo and he was really happy.  Right around then Ryan came to bed and it woke me up, so in my sleepiness I told him, I dreamed about grandpa!  He said that's good, it's like he came to see you in your dream.  So then I fell back to sleep and dreamed about my grandma!  It was nice to see them, I miss them a lot.

So after we got home I went to my best friend's house and we exchanged gifts.  I got her a Target gift card and the DVD Hours....we were both big Paul Walker fans so I knew she'd love to have his last movie.  I also got outfits for her boys, which I was please to see they were still excited about.  I'm waiting for the year that her oldest (he's 4 right now) catches on that clothes suck for christmas presents and throws them back at me and wants to know where his toys are.  His reaction was a little less excited than last year, so I'm thinking next year is the year.  Her youngest was still really excited though, so I have a little more time for him.

She got me yoga pants which I plan to live in for my entire maternity leave, and also an adorable little footy pajama for Boo.  It's got owls on it, she knows how much I love cartoon owls.  I wanted it for Boo's room but Ryan shot it down, so we both agreed on monkeys.  

So I realized, sometimes I complain a little in here about my pregnancy....which is something I couldn't stand to hear before I got pregnant again and especially right after we lost Kayla.  But the truth is, I would puke every single day, I would take the fatigue, the discomfort, I'll gladly take all of it in order to meet her and take her home in March.  So I try not to write about it in a complaining way, but I do want to document my pregnancy, especially if we decide to do this again.  It would be nice to be able to look back and say oh, so morning sickness starting at that many weeks, and oh yeah, I really started to get uncomfortable around this many weeks.  For the most part, I love being pregnant, I want to be able to remember all the details.  Maybe I can even let Boo read some of this someday.

So Ryan had to go to work for a few hours tonight, and I was bored, so I decided to play with my new camera.  Here is the result.....cheesy or nice?  I think it's pretty nice, but I'm not entirely sure. 

Candlelight vigil- 27 wks 1 days

We went to the candle light vigil hosted by the hospital last night.  It was nice.....Ryan and I went to dinner first and then headed over.  It was a very nice night for it, about 40 degrees so we weren't freezing.  Apparently the last two years the weather has been bad, so I was thankful for warmth on our first year. 

There were quite a few kids there, but the youngest one was about 2, so I'm thinking we'll either have to skip next year, or maybe Nana can come and sit with Boo in the car.  I think bringing a young baby might be hard for someone if their loss was very recent.  So first they handed out the candles and the chaplain said a prayer.  Then we went around the circle and lit our candles off each others' and as we lit our candle we all said our angel's name.  The chaplain read another poem and then we sang a few christmas songs....well, the chaplain and another lady sang, nobody else did.  I don't know about the others, but for me I didn't sing because it would have made me cry more than I already was.

After the songs I think she said another closing prayer....oh and before we started all that, they had ornaments so everyone decorated the trees and bushes in the baby garden, and we put a few decorations on Kayla's tree.  There was a good turn out, probably about 30 people...I wasn't sure how many people there would be.  The chaplain was by herself, usually she has another nurse and the counselor come help her, but she said there were two families at the hospital that night that were going through a loss so they were needed there.  That got me really choked up.  My heart hurts everyday for Kayla and I still cry almost everyday, but I'm almost 9 months out and I have another blessing on the way. 

It's not something I will ever get over, but I am in a much better place now.  Those first few days, weeks, and months were pure hell and you don't think you'll ever stop hurting so bad.  It hurts to hear of others who are at the very start of their pain, and know what a long road they have ahead of them, especially so close to Christmas.

My hospital room door had an angel sign on it so anyone coming into my room would know it wasn't a happy ending.  When I go to deliver Boo, I really hope I don't see any angels on doors....not because of how it will make me feel, but I just hope it's one less day that anyone has to be in that much pain. 

So......change of subject.  I'm getting huge.  My stomach literally feels like it's going to burst.  I'm not even in third tri yet, one more week....but how am I going to be next month, or in March?  Whew, I'm going to start waddling.  But I love it, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  Boo has been kicking a lot too....the night before last she didn't kick a whole lot, but since then she's really made up for it.  She must have needed a lazy night.

In two weeks we go for our 3D ultrasound.  I'm so excited, I cannot wait to see her little face.  We invited the grandparents too, so I'm excited to see their reactions, since I'm sure the 3D is a lot different from what they had in their day.  Hell even the regular 2D we have now is way better.  I know it will be nothing like meeting her in March, but it will be a fun sneak peek.  And we got some good news tonight....Ryan's friend whose wedding we went to in June just announced that they are pregnant, due in July.  So Boo will have a playmate in a few months, how fun!

A good model- 26 wks 6 days

I was bored, and well....this happened.  He was very well behaved, he even let me carry him around the house for a while.  The carrier is pretty comfy too!

Growth scan- 26 wks 5 days

Another great appointment today.  M cervix is long and closed....I didn't bother asking the measurement this time.  It's nice seeing the progress not only with my body, but with my mind.  At 17 weeks through 22 I always needed to know the measurement, but now just knowing it is long and closed is good enough for me.  It's nice to have a little less crazy Pgal brain. 

The growth scan was a nice surprise....I knew I'd be having one coming up but didn't realize my first one was today.  After they check my stitch they always switch to abdominal so I can see her, but that's usually just a quick peek, so it was fun to see her flipping around and trying to eat her toes as always for several minutes.  That girl loves her feet!  But I guess she has limited options of things to do in there, so she's got to make do with what she has.  She's weighing about 2 pounds now, right on track.

I came up with a plan of how to handle requesting my favorite doctor for the induction.  If the appointment in which we schedule it is with Dr. Plymel (my favorite), I'll ask her when she's on and see if we can schedule it for then.  If that appt is with Dr. Garmel, I'll say I want her or Dr. Plymel and ask when they're on, and then pretend it works best for Ryan's work schedule to do it on Plymel's day.

Like I said, Garmel would be perfectly fine too, but if given a choice, I just feel more comfortable going with the one who has already delivered me once.  I don't know how it works though, it's not like I'll give birth an hour after induction starts.  So if my doctor is in on Wednesday, do I choose to be induced on Tuesday in hopes of delivering Wednesday?  Eh, I'm over thinking it....there is always a chance I'll go into labor on my own before that, or like she said today, they could always decide to start a week prior if my blood pressure or NSTs don't look good or something. 

I can't believe Christmas is a week from tomorrow....and my shopping isn't done yet.  Mostly, just a few more things to pick up.  I'm looking forward to Christmas but a part of me isn't.  She'd only be about 5 months, so she wouldn't know what's going on, but it should be Kayla's first Christmas.  We should be shopping for her presents and getting so excited for family to spend time with her....everyone loves having babies and little ones around at Christmas.  Instead there is just a small tree at the cold dark cemetery, and an ornament on our tree bearing her name.  It really isn't fair.

But we are so thankful for Boo.  She's my sun, my bright spot in my life.  Without her I think I would be in a very deep depression right about now and hating everyone and everything around me.  Both her and Kayla are our little miracles.  Things may not have gone as we thought they would, but holding her tiny hand, being in awe of her itsy bitsy fingernails, seeing my features on her little face....she was a miracle, no doubt about it.

Rant- 26 wks 3 days

I know this is probably going to sound stupid and nitpicky, and for those that have never been through it probably wouldn't think anything of it.  But a little ticker went across my TV earlier making sure to remind the world that today is Kourtney Kardashian's son's 4th birthday....as if we would crumble not knowing that.  Anyway, she was quoted saying, "Happy 4th Birthday my precious angel".

It grates on my nerves, but if you're lucky enough to have a living child, please don't call them your angel.  Along with memories, it's all we've got of our babies.  They ARE angels, yours are not.  Don't take away the one thing us loss mommas have.  

A little of this, a little of that- 26 wks 2 days

Baby classes are done, so we can check that off the list.  We went to an infant care class on Wednesday and then I went to the nursing class on Thursday, I gave Ryan a pass on that one.  It was pretty mixed, about half couples and half just the women so at least I wasn't the only one there alone.

Both classes were really informational, especially the nursing class.  I do feel a little less worried about it now.....before I was more worried about nursing than I was delivery.  I know it will be different this time, but I have been through labor and delivery before so that's comforting at least.  After class I asked the instructor about the fact that my milk didn't come in with Kayla but she said it's not indicitive at all that I will have problems with my supply with Boo.  She said it was likely the combination of being so early and all of the stress I was under.  She said even if I were to have supply issues this time around there is a lot they can do to help things.

Also got good news from my insurance company, they cover any breastpump except for the heavy duty ones which I assume means hospital grade, so it sounds like I shouldn't have any issue getting the double electric Medela.  So excited, those suckers are expensive so we're very lucky to have a good one covered.

There is a childbirth class today but it's like all day so we decided to skip that one.  I didn't even want to take it last time because I figured, I knew what I knew, and what I didn't know I didn't want to know.  So most days, Boo is pretty mellow during the day, she kicks low and light while I'm at work, but then she puts her party shoes on and really kicks at night when I am relaxing.  So she was pretty mellow both nights I had class, I think because I got home so late both nights so I was pretty much in work mode during the times I would be relaxing.

I knew this and felt ok that night, but by the next morning her lack of movement the night before started to bother me.  I usually don't feel her in the morning until I am at least on my way to work, but by the time I got out of the shower I was pretty worked up and worried so I used my doppler before I went to work.  Cue panic when I couldn't find her HB at first.  I've barely used it since she began kicking on a regular basis, but I assumed at this point I wouldn't have to look for it, I figured she's big enough by now that I'd be able to hear it anywhere I placed the doppler.

So it was only a few seconds before I found it, but I can't even say the array of bad thoughts that flashed through my head in those few seconds.  So even with the doppler my Pgal brain has been in overdrive the last few days, but last night I got home at my usual time and she did not dissapoint.  It was party time again and Ryan even got to see my stomach jump finally.  One of the jumps it looked like she must have completely rolled over.  So I'm feeling better now.

I had a dream about her last night, she was a toddler and so giggly and we were cuddling.  She was such an adorable little girl too...the bond I felt with her just in that dream was incredible.  I've always loved little kids (well, most....not a huge fan of noisy annoying kids out in public) but I can't wait to experience that bond between me and my own child.  I just got this overwhelming urge the other day for it to be March so we could meet her, I just cannot wait.

But in just a few weeks we're having an elective 3D ultrasound so I'm excited to get a sneak peak at her little face.  I know it won't be entirely the same, but it's better than just the black and white profile on regular ultrasounds.  We're inviting the grandmas to come see her....I think they're really excited.  The grandpas are invited too but I am kind of hoping it won't be there thing....even though it's just my stomach, I feel like it might be a tiny bit uncomfortable to have the grandpas there, but if they want to come I don't want to deny them seeing their granddaughter.  We've all been through so much pain this year, we deserve some blessings.

It's after midnight, double digits!- 25 wks 6 days

The stork brought a present- 25 wks 4 days

There is a crib in our house!  It's still in the box, but it's still here regardless.  I'm dying to go rip into the box and put it together, but I need to clean some clutter out of the nursery, and it's probably a good idea to vacuum and shampoo the carpet before the crib is assembled.

I noticed it when I got up this morning....er afternoon (I called in today, stupid cold) and the brand name of the crib is Storkcraft, so I looked in the yard to see this big box that said Stork on it, haha.

And now for some cuteness, here is my kitty Vinny snuggling with Boo.  She kicked a few times while he was there, but he didn't seem to notice.

Should I just dump my food straight into the toilet?-25 wks 2 days

I'm so tired of throwing up.  All through out this pregnancy, except for when I had the norovirus or whatever that was, I threw up about once a week.  Once I was well into second tri, it lessened to about once every one to two weeks, but it seems to be picking up again lately.  Today was the third time this week.

Not that I enjoy throwing up, but it's over pretty quick...the nausea hits and either goes away quickly or I throw up and it's done.  But there is so much pressure on my face when I puke, the blood vessels in my face break so I am all blotchy for a few days after.  It kind of looks like I have a 5 o'clock shadow all over my face.  I thought maybe it was the pop.  When I first was diagnosed with GD I gave up the pop since one can has the same amount of carbs that I can have for a meal.  But I'd keep pepsi max on hand so when I really wanted a pop, it would suffice, so I'd have maybe one a week.

Well for the past month or so I've pretty much had a pepsi max each night with dinner.  So I decided to stop and see if that made an impact on my throwing up, thinking maybe it wasn't exactly morning sickness, but more like the pop was aggravating my acid reflux.  I don't think I had any on Thursday and none today, but I did have one last night with dinner since we went out, and there were no other carb free options...well ok, I guess I could have had water.  But I don't know if drinking pop last night would make me throw up tonight.

I won't drink any more though and see if it makes any difference.  I do have a prescription for Zofran that I never had filled....I hated the idea of taking yet another daily pill when I was only throwing up every 1-2 weeks...but if this multiple times a week thing is going to be the new norm, I just might have to fill it.  Wow that was a lot of talking about throwing up.

My dad made Kayla a little Christmas tree so I took it out to the cemetery today.  I felt fine on the way there, but as soon as I got to her grave I lost it.  I cried a little at her grave, but when I went to leave, I just sat in my car and sobbed for a while.  It's so unfair, I shouldn't have to take my daughter a christmas tree at the cemetery. 

Here is the tree, it's so adorable, despite how sad it makes me.

Classes- 25 wks 1 day

I'm sick again...it's actually not too bad, I'm mostly just mildly conjested with the occasional runny nose.  Everyone is hacking at work, so I'm praying this doesn't turn into whatever they all have.  My biggest complaint though is that it's keeping me from sleeping.  The last two nights it's taken me forever to fall asleep and then I toss and turn all night.  I am really hoping it's from the cold anyway....everyone on my March board says how much trouble they're having sleeping, and quite honesty I never sleep better than when I'm pregnant.

Yeah I occasionally get woken up by round ligament pain or just the discomfort of having to roll over without actually rolling on my tummy, and getting up between 3 and 5 to pee...but other than that, I am often asleep within a minute or two of laying down, which almost never happens ordinarily, and I just sleep really well through out the night.  So if this recent development of not sleeping well isn't just due to my cold, and my amazing pregnancy sleep is over, I just may cry.  I know many sleepless nights await me, so I really want to sleep well for the next three months.

Ryan and I are taking some baby classes next week.  Well, I'm taking two, but I gave him permission to only do one.  The infant care class is already three hours Wednesday night, so I let him off the hook for the two hour nursing class the next night.  It would be nice if he came to both, but I really don't forsee a lot of men being at the nursing one and it would likely be very uncomfortable for him.  I'm pretty excited for the classes, I hope they're as useful as I anticipate them to be.  I'm curious to ask the teacher a question that has been nagging me.  After Kayla was born my milk never came in, and I always just assumed it was because it was so early.  But I've since heard from plenty of loss moms whose milk came in with deliveries even earlier than mine. 

It could still be hit and miss with delivery that early I guess, but I can't help but be a little concerned that it means I will have issue with supply this time too.  But we'll see what my teacher says.  I was laying here watching TV and Boo was kicking pretty hard, making my stomach jump, so I tried recording it so I could show Ryan.  She never does it when he's around.  So she must have known I was taping it to show daddy because she wouldn't do it while I was recording.  I would give up and a minute later she would kick.  Only 25 weeks in the womb and she's already a little stinker!

Will she be a St. Paddy's baby?-24 wks 5 days

I had a great appointment today, I got my favorite doctor.  The other one that I usually see is growing on me, but I still have my favorite, the one that delivered Kayla.  She's just so nice and comforting and down to earth.  The guy doctor that I don't like was like, don't cheat on Thanksgiving, don't cheat on Thanksgiving.  I get it, and I did very well, my numbers were great, but I cannot promise that Christmas will go as well.  My MIL puts out an amazing spread, and I just don't know if I will be able to avoid it all.

So I told my doctor that I did well on Thanksgiving, but a few days later wasn't great and she was like well, who doesn't cheat now and again?  She said I had a couple of elevated numbers but some fluctuation is normal, and it's probably diet related.  Plus I lost 2 pounds since my last appointment so she was very happy about that.  I forgot to weigh myself this past Friday at home, but as of the week before I am still down 7 pounds since I got pregnant.  I'm very proud of myself, I may make it the entire pregnancy without gaining any weight.

So she did a pelvic and said my cervix felt good and the stitch was relaxed.  For whatever reason the guy doctor didn't see the need to schedule me for an ultrasound today but she said she would like to get me back on the schedule of having an ultrasound and a pelvic every two weeks.  She also said they'll do a growth check ultrasound every 4 to 6 weeks, so I am happy to hear that I'll get to see Boo a few more times before she's born.

Speaking of, I found out today that since I am insulin dependent I will be induced in my 39th week, so the week of March 17th.  They induce Monday through Thursday so she said we can pick the day...it doesn't really matter to me except I would really like her to deliver Boo, so when she is on will basically be our deciding factor.  I am a little nervous since I've heard contractions get stronger faster, and are closer together with pitocin...but I've never had any desire to go med free, so hopefully I can get an epi once they are too bad and I'll be one of the lucky ones that responds well to induction.

Though I have to say, it does kind of make me happy that we'll know when everything is happening.  It made me a little nervous to think of just working till the end, not knowing when it will happen and have to determine when to go.  It won't be scheduled until closer to the time, but I can pretty much say my last day of work will be Friday March 14th, and we can enjoy the final weekend just the two of us and then go in hopefully relaxed and calm whichever day we schedule it for. 

It's kind of cool knowing Boo's birthday will be March 17th, 18th, 19th, or 20th (or 21st I suppose).  The only downfall is we will definitely not make the deadline so that I'll get paid for the entire 12 weeks off work, I'll only get paid for 6.  But we can afford for me to not get paid for the last 6, and the amount of time I get off is more important....getting paid for the whole time would be nice, but it's not the end of the world, and getting Boo here healthy and well is the most important thing. 

And the best thing of today, I felt what I am pretty sure was Boo having hiccups for the first time.  At first I thought they were kicks, but by the 3rd or 4th rhythmic "kick" I was like, it's hiccups!  They lasted for about 2-3 minutes, so I am pretty sure that's what they were.  I knew you could feel your baby have the hiccups, but I hadn't yet so I wasn't sure I would know it, but it was pretty obvious.  I immediately texted Ryan to tell him, and he was like how do you know that??  He didn't know you could feel their hiccups.  My mom said I used to get them all the time when she was pregnant with me. 

Stress lowered- 24 wks 4 days

I don't know if it's a coincidence, or if it really was physical manisfestations of emotional stress, but ever since we passed our loss milestone, and V day, I feel so much better, both emotionally and physically.  I've been less tired, I've barely felt any cramping and I just feel so full of hope.  I'd say it's probably a little of both, stress can do some nasty things.

Boo has also been kicking a lot harder lately, it just started the last couple of days.  She has her "evening kicks" where it's a quick jab higher up on my stomach and then her "all day long kicks".  These ones are funny because they aren't quick jabs or kicks...it feels like she just has her feet on me, and then moves them around so I feel constant pressure for a few minutes here and there, kinda like the way someone might put their feet on the seat in front of them at the movies.

I giggle when I picture it, I see her with her feet on me, just kind of pushing away at me while she marvels at her hands or something like that.  Ryan and I finished our registry on Sunday...I am glad I did most of it online because it wasn't as fun this time.  But it's done, so that's another thing I can cross off my list.  I'm shocked at how big and bulky the jogging stroller is that we wanted....but I do want a jogging stroller and we're kind of partial to Graco.  So it's a good thing we're also getting the stroller frame for everyday use, and then we can just use the big stroller once she is too big to be in the bucket, and for stuff like going to the Zoo.  I could always get an umberalla stroller too for the days when I don't want to haul the big one around.  It seems like a waste to have all of these different strollers, but I do thing the jogger will be really nice for when we do need it.  It's got huge air filled tires, so if we ever go someplace outdoors without sidewalks we won't be those people trying to push the little plastic wheels through gravel.

I ordered the crib and mattress today...I was hoping for a good cyber Monday deal, but it was only about $10 cheaper than usual.  The dresser was more deeply discounted, I think about $70 off, but I'm more excited about getting the crib right now.  It will be so weird to have a crib in our house.

My shower planners set the shower date for February 1st....I'm so excited for it.  I also finally found a dress.  It's a cowl neck (I hate that term) jersey dress.  These swollen piggies aren't getting into heels anytime soon, and it looks like the perfect dress to wear with black tights and a chunkier heel.  I got it the other day and it fits great and is so comfortable!  I can't wait for my shower. 

I see my doctor tomorrow....I've done well going two weeks in between instead of going weekly, but I'm ready to go back.  I just wish it was for an ultrasound so I could see my Boo.  But Ryan and I decided to do a 4D ultrasound in January, so if I don't see her again until then, at least we'll have that to look forward to.

V Day!-24 wks

It's V day!  I'm so happy to be here, another milestone crossed off.  I also find it so fitting that it's Thanksgiving Day, because we have so much to be thankful for.  I am so thankful for this little miracle growing inside me, and I smile every time I feel her kick.  I am so thankful for our amazing family and friends, without them I don't know what I would do.  I am thankful for our beautiful home and my amazing husband, who is spending his Thanksgiving morning working so people don't fall on their asses being gluttonous and greedy while shopping on Thanksgiving day....errrr, yeah.

It's been a hard year, but I am so thankful for having had Kayla.  Losing her was one of the biggest heartaches of my life, but she was also one of the brightest spots in my life, and I am so thankful to her for making me a mother.  I hope her and everyone we love in Heaven is having a wonderful Thanksgiving Day.  I sometimes get angry at how my life has gone, throwing me more sadness than I think is fair, but it's all given me more joy and love than sad times.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  And for your viewing pleasure, the stuffed turkey....I mean me:

Annoyed-23 wks 3 days

My dinner sucked tonight.  We don't have much in the house, and I am sick to death of anything I can eat that can be ordered.  I already went out today to run errands and it was extremely cold, so going out for anything was out of the question.

So I had noodles, with an attempt to melt cheese over them since actual mac and cheese is too high in carbs.  As I was trying to get my cat off the counter, the serving spoon fell out of the pot, taking most of the noodles with cheese on them with it.  Grrrr.

I don't know if it's because I am jealous, or if it's because people are too whiney (for the record, I am NOT whining right now), I'm sick to death of hearing pregnant women say "I can't stop eating", or "I have such a sweet tooth, all I want is sugar and I can't stop".  Um, yes you can, you just don't want to.

How about, I can't eat that way for the health of my baby, I have to follow a strict diet, I have to eat at certain times even if I'm not hungry and your whining because you "can't" stop stuffing your face with a whole plate of brownies?  Yeah, I'm probably jealous, but I just cannot stand when people claim they can't do something when it comes to health.

Of course, I'm not the picture of health, but I own up to it.  I was fat before I got pregnant because I didn't want to stop eating crap and drinking pepsi.  I chose to sit on the couch rather than work out.  Being pregnant is no excuse either, you're eating junk or eating all day because you want to.  I guess I'll get my revenge when I hear everyone whining about trying to lose the 30+ pounds they gained and I have nothing to lose from pregnancy but right now I'm extremely irritated.  And with that, I'm taking my grumpy ass to bed.

Traditions- 23 wks 2 days

I finally made it to the cemetery today, thankfully all of her stuff was still there.  I figured rules were different in the baby garden  about items at the grave, but since they recently did fall clean up we were worried it didn't apply and that everything would be cleared.  But they weren't :)  I had been to the dollar store before that, so I picked her up some small christmas balloons.  My dad is going to chop off the tip of one of his pine trees in the yard so we can take her a tiny tree.

So I finally got up the courage to take her teddy bear home and wash it.  It was really dirty and the muddy water was frozen, so I decided it was time.  Kayla Bear is all clean and fluffy now!  Since it's just going to be a mess all winter long, we decided to let Kayla Bear stay with us during the winter and take her back out in the spring.  Kayla has two balloons, two spinners, a dragonfly and a nightlight at her grave, so I feel better about her not having her teddy.

I think we'll make it a tradition to keep Kayla Bear at home during the winter, and when Boo gets a little older we'll make it her special job to keep Kayla Bear safe and warm, and then she can give it back to Kayla in the spring.  Speaking of traditions, we decided today that since we cannot buy Kayla a Christmas present, every year we'll make a donation to a charity in her name, preferrably a children's charity of some kind like St. Jude...maybe a different one each year.  We also decided to adopt a grave.

For those that aren't familiar with that, it's where you go to the cemetery and pick out a grave that looks like it hasn't had any visitors for a while, like maybe a grave that's so old all of the surviving family members are gone.  So you clean it up a little, trim the grass around it, clean off the stone and leave some flowers.  It makes me happy to think of someone caring for Kayla's grave once we're long gone.  But I think we'll make that a tradition for her angelversary since it will be almost spring and easier to do the maintainence. 

I've had a rough couple days lately, missing Kayla.  I had a good cry last night and felt better afterward.  She's my daughter, of course I'll always love and miss her, I just don't get why sometimes I am pretty ok, and other times I am constantly falling apart...I guess maybe my heart keeps it together for as long as it can so I can get through the days, and then on my hard days it's because my heart can't keep up and the pain gets in.  I picture the walls of my heart like a dam with a small leak, and then one day the pressure just gets to be too much and the leak turns into a big gush.

Not alone? -23 wks 1 day

Sometimes I feel so alone in my grief, like I should be over it by now.  I was reading something that made the tears flow, I wasn't bawling, but I'm literally sitting at my desk with tears streaming down my face and welling in my eyes, and I tried so hard to cover it up.  While my co-workers haven't been THE BEST at dealing with my grief, I think they would have understood me crying four months ago, but now I think they would have looked at me like I lost my mind. 

I know plenty of other people that have walked this road, I know I'm not alone, but still sometimes it's hard not to feel that way, when the majority of the people you know have not walked it.  Someone posted on the loss board today about Jackie O's losses....I guess I always knew they had lost at least one child, I've seen his daughter's grave stone near his, but I didn't realize she was stillborn, and that Jackie O suffered a misscarriage, and lost their son Patrick after he was born premature and only lived a couple days.

I was curious, so I did some googling and found 21 celebrities that have lost a child and was surprised at how many there were.  Most of them were early miscarriages, but devestating nonetheless.  Not that celebrities going through it makes it comforting, but I think people tend to look at celebrities as having perfect lives....they're rich, famous, take grand vacations, have huge beautiful homes.  But just like everyone else, tragedy can strike, and many of them suffer in silence.  Sure you can find it out if you dig deep enough, but for most of the celebs listed, it wasn't common knowledge to me that they had had a miscarriage.  I often find myself asking the question, why me?  Why did I lose my babies, but other people get them?  But there is something oddly comforting to know that the pain of losing a child can happen to anyone, rich or poor, famous or not....shit flies around and lands on somebody, and it's not picky about who it lands on.  I guess it makes me feel more like I was just unlucky, rather than being singled out to have something bad happen to, if that makes any sense.

I need to go to Kayla's grave, I hate that I cannot remember the last time I was there.  October 15th maybe?  It's not for lack of trying, but it gets dark so early now, it's pitch black by the time I get home from work.  Technically the cemetery doesn't close, so I could go, and maybe I'm being stupid about it, but I just cannot being myself to go there in the dark.  If I did, it would be to just drive by, because there is no way I could get out of my car and comfortably spend any time at her grave in the pitch black.  Tomorrow, I will definitely go tomorrow.

Another milestone- 23 wks

I've never seen 23 weeks before, it feels good!  The 119 days to go is a little scary though, Boo will be here before we know it.  I can't wait, but it's a little scary.

I had a cervix check today, holding strong at 5 cm (up from 4.7 last week) and she switched to abdominal so I could see her wiggling around a little.  She was moving her mouth a lot, not sure what she was doing but it reminded me of how they exagerate cartoons snoring with their whole face contorting and blowing air out their mouth....I giggled picturing her blowing little bubbles of amniotic fluid out with each breathe.

I was stuck with Dr. A hole again, but I didn't complain because I don't usually go on Thursdays, but they couldn't get me in on Tuesday, so I suspect that is why I saw him.  But none of my questions are pressing, so I just saved them for next time so it was a really quick, simple visit.  They put the sheet out for me for a pelvic exam and I asked the nurse if I was still getting one even though I just had a good vaginal u/s and she said yeah, he likes to do them.

Ordinarily I am not a "go against authority person" (well, in some instances....I surprise myself from time to time) and I would just do whatever a doctor said.  But his pelvic exam last time was not pleasant, and I spotted and cramped more than usual for three or four days afterward.  I can handle the small spotting from a pelvic from my other doctor, but the multiple days of spotting and extra cramping really freaked me out last time.  I also read a birth story the other day and the woman stressed being your own advocate and not taking everything a doctor says as gospel, you don't have to accept any treatment you don't want.  So when he came in, I asked if I really needed it since I had the u/s, and he was like well, we can see that it's nice and long, so we can skip it if you want to.  :)

I was supposed to go again next week, but they wanted to set my appt after that for two weeks from today instead of next week...keeping me on the weekly schedule.  As much as I like the assurance, my cervix is doing great, I am past my milestone, and I haaaate not taking lunches to make up for missed time at work.  So it's time I go back to every other week as long as things are going well.  So we canceled next week and set it for two weeks from today. 

I feel like I've gotten huge in just the last week, and despite feeling her kicks last night, I decided to use my doppler last night.  It had been a while and I just felt like hearing her again.  As I was putting the gel on, I was horrified to see that my belly button is seriously caving in on itself.  It had been getting there for a while now, but last night was like whoa!  Please don't let me get an outie, please please don't let me get an outie.  I have a strange thing with belly buttons, they make me feel ill just thinking about it.  I don't know how I'm going to handle cleaning around Boo's until it falls off, gross!

Speaking of Boo, I was thinking today how it's going to be weird calling her by her name once she gets here.  I'm so used to Boo....of course Boo will be a nickname, but to me, her name is Boo.  Maybe it will be easier to call her by her name once she's an outside baby.  I ordered her a Boo doll the other day from Monster's Inc.  It's not a plush doll, so it will be a while before she can play with it, but her name is Boo, I couldn't not get it.

Bored!-22 wks 6 days

I am so bored.  I just technically got off lunch, but I've actually been on lunch all day.  I seriously have not had one single thing to do since I got here.  We're out of funds to balance, everything is up to date, and the only other small amount of work I have to do is delayed, the reports haven't come in yet.  I'm sitting here reallty struggling to stay awake, and failing most of the time.

It's nice to have a light day now and again, but the day is dragging by so slow today.  Thank goodness I can read my Nook online, but reading makes me sleepy.  But I got some good news when I came in today.  One of the higher ups sent out an email giving everyone the choice of one of four days to take off as an appreciation day and it won't count against our vacation time.  I've been here for over 8 years and they've never done this before.

My options are kind of limited because my counterpart is already off two of the days, so I chose Black Friday, so now I get a four day weekend for Thanksgiving!  My other option was New Year's eve, which I probably should have taken.  Black Friday is an early market release day, so we can leave at 2 once the market closes at 1.  But so many people have to stay all day in case any work comes in, so for those that work, they get to leave at 2 some other day.  I was going to work the whole day so I could use those three hours for a day when I have an appt so I could save some sick time.

But honestly, that would only put me ahead three hours, I won't be able to bank enough sick time for an extra day off should I need to call in.  So more than likely I would be tempted to use those three hours to go home early some day or something.  I tend to have a harder time going to work when I have time to use.  Besides, next month I'll earn more vacation time so if need be I'll have that.  And a four day weekend sounded really really good.  I also have a late doctor appointment next Tuesday so I won't get in until 11:30 or 12, so I barely work next week.  I'm so excited!

I also came up with a plan to clean the jumperoo...since I can't get the parts off to wash it, I'm going to put it in the bed of the pick up and go to one of those self car washes and blast it.  That out to get into all the little nooks and crannys as well as clean all of the fabric parts.  I'm so smart sometimes I can't stand it. 

I felt huge last night, and then when I went to bed I laid on my side and I felt like my belly was hanging, and I couldn't get comfortable.  I don't always use my snoogle since it can be cumbersome but I got it last night and wow, instant comfort.  I think once I snuggled up in there I was asleep within minutes.  It's seriously a lifesaver.  I cannot even fathom how huge I'm going to get as we get near 9 months if I already feel huge now.

I had a strange thought last night.  Now granted my first pregnancy only lasted a few days, but nonetheless this is my third pregnancy.  Pregnant I am used to, in fact I'm starting to feel like I've been pregnant my whole life.  And even though bringing our baby home has been what we have wanted for a long time now, sometimes I still have that panicked fleeting thought of....holy shit, we're going to have a kid!  I mean, sometimes I get so focused on this pregnancy and worrying about whether or not we'll make it that sometimes I forget that if all goes well, we'll actually end up with a child in the end and she'll be ours forever.  Sheesh, that's a little scary.  I'm sure all new moms go through this, but sometimes I am utterly terrified that I won't have the first clue what to do. 

Clean house- 22 wks 4 days

My house is clean!  Well sort of....I literally spent all day cleaning and doing odd jobs around the house yesterday.  Our house was terrible before, clutter everywhere, two new containers of cat litter had been sitting in the kitchen for over a month now, waiting for my husband to take them downstairs, empty 12 pack pop containers sitting around, luggage still from Vegas, ugh!

I got all of the clutter picked up in the living room and kitchen, I vacuumed, did dishes and swept the floor.  So I didn't do much hardcore cleaning as I did straightening up, but it looks so much better.  Now that I am starting with a clean slate, I can try getting back to my cleaning schedule where I clean one thing each day.  There is still some of my husband's clutter that I don't know what to do with, but honestly I don't like a pristine home.  Once I get on a cleaning kick I have a hard time stopping, and if our house is "stranger presentable" then I obsess over every little dirt spec and item out of place.  But if it's just normal people clean with some stuff here and there to look like we do in fact life there, I can relax.  I know I'm weird.

I don't know where my energy came from yesterday but I just couldn't stop.  I tried a few times to relax and do nothing, but I kept thinking of new things to do.  I also washed all of the baby clothes my friend gave me as well as the baby carrier, I wiped down and/or washed any of the items she gave me like the activity mat, the bumpo seat and a few other items that I don't know what they're called.  Unfortunately we have to toss the jumperoo.  I cannot figure out how to get any of the plush animals or the seat cover off to wash them, and there is some visible crusty stuff on some of the animals and I just can't bring myself to use it without being able to clean it well.

It's too bad because it's an item I would like, and I checked it out on Babies R Us and it's a $100 item.  But she gave me so much useful stuff I really can't complain.  Some of the stuff I'll be taking to my dad's since he'll need stuff there.  I'm excited to see the nursery coming together, even though it's still a complete mess and doesn't really resemble a nursery yet.

Today I made a list of things I want to organize, like closets, our bedroom, and the basement.  I have no clue when I'll get the list done, but I'll tackle each thing as I have time and energy.  I'm especially excited to do our room...it's such a mess, and I know I have a ton of clothes I should get rid of, or at least store.  I hate to get rid of "skinny clothes" because some of them are really cute and I do plan to be able to wear them again some day, but there is just no room for them with my current clothes right now.  So I'll give some away, but hopefully can store some too.

The main thing is I need to make our bedroom into a non-tripping hazard.  I get up at least once or twice a night to go to the bathroom and it's really hard to walk in the dark, half asleep as it is, let alone with junk everywhere.  But I refuse to do that once I have to get up to check on Boo, so our bedroom is my first task on my list. 

Ugh, I have a sinus headache....for some reason I seem to be more prone to them while pregnant.  I guess they're better than a migraine though.  I've decided to start listening to headphones at work....this lady that drives me insane (she's very noisy, she makes an array of annoying noises through out the day) is back from vacation this week and already driving me nuts.  In the morning she has this dry hacky cough, in the afternoon she makes these small grunt noises (???) and lately she's been talking to herself.  I am often in a decent mood when I get to work, only for it to be squashed by annoying people, so I think headphones are a good solution.

Today.....22 wks 3 days

...is the most pregnant I have ever been!  I am passed my milestone and we are so happy!  It was a little difficult, but I credit my sanity to my doctors for giving in to my every whim and giving me so much monitoring.  I honestly think without it I would be a complete basketcase and worried all the time (instead of just most of the time).  Though I will admit, I am a little nervous because we are headed into unchartered terrirtory.  I've never been this far, I don't know what to expect.  But as someone said on my BMB, I guess nobody does.  This pregnancy has been so different from my first....while I didn't have a ton of spotting episodes like last time, I had that big scary gush of bleeding early on.  I had terrible morning sickness that doesn't seem to want to give up, and as of right now I can still feel my hands, whereas last time the feeling was long gone weeks ago.

But it's still scary, but a good scary.  I'll never get anywhere if I don't go into the unknown, and eventually my baby will be at the end of my journey.  My husband and I took our camper up north Friday night to park it at my dad's place for the winter instead of paying for storage.  So we slept in it for the first time.  The bed was quite uncomfortable, the camper wasn't leveled since we got in so late and didn't bother so we were tipped to the right quite a bit, and our heads were slightly lower than our feet so most of my body was asleep through out the night.

We already winterized it, so while we had lights and heat, we didn't have water so we had to have a bucket to pee in through the night.  Thank God for that though, I got up three times, and there was no way I was going to go outside, and walk the 10 yards in the middle of the night to my dad's place for his bathroom.  The next morning I was a little nervous when I had been up for a few hours and realized I hadn't felt her move yet.  Truthfully though, most times I don't notice when she hasn't moved in a while....I do feel her every day, but at this point it's still too early to feel her often.  But I think because it was my loss milestone and because I was 300 miles away from my doppler, it made me nervous.  But she woke up not long after breakfast and said hello :)

So I made my dad tell my grandma before we got there, and then Ryan and I stopped to see her on our way out of town yesterday.  It was a very short trip, just to get the camper there and we had to be back because he had a run this morning.  This sounds really really bad, but I only go see my grandma because I have to.  I would never hear the end of it if I was in town and didn't stop.  There are a few reasons for that....I am one of like 28 grandkids.  Boo will be one of 17 great-grandkids.  When we were little, we only came to visit every couple of months and I was very shy.  But even if it weren't for all of that, my grandma is just a hard person to know.  She's a woman of few words, she won't say much if you do something right, but she sure will let you know (and everyone else) if you do something wrong.

I love my grandma, I do....but we're not close at all, and honestly if I hadn't seen her this weekend it really wouldn't have made a difference to me.  I don't really miss her when I haven't seen her in a long time, it's more of an obligatory relationship than anything.  It also doesn't help that she says whatever is on her mind, and it's not the old age thing either, she's always been like that.  She often bakes pies, so yesterday her kitchen table had pies, and other assorted goodies on it as always.  I said how it was torture because with my diabetes I cannot eat that stuff.  So she remarked, well from the looks of it you're eating something....I was like that's baby, and she said it's not all baby.

Ok first of all, I was overweight before I got pregnant, so of course I am not going to magically turn into a skinny pregnant woman.  But I have grand plans to get back into shape once Boo is here....I did it before, I can do it again.  Secondly, I've been working very very hard to stick to my GD diet and I think I've been doing very well.  I have not gained one single pound with this pregnancy, in fact I am still down 6 pounds from what I weighed when I got pregnant and my doctors praise me and tell me I'm doing great.  Third, just because our babies are small still and our tummies get big, doesn't mean it is fat.  All of the skin, blood, fluid, and organs that were there before had to go somewhere as baby gets bigger, so they get pushed up.  Yeah it's not all baby, but I do have internal organs that are trying to find some room in there.

And finally, even if I did eat a ton and gained a ton of weight, it doesn't need to be said!  I know, blah blah she's old, but it still really hurt my feelings, especially when I have been doing so well and working so hard and I get no credit for it.  And, while my health is a concern, the number one thing I care about is that Boo gets here safe and healthy, so I could really give a rat's ass if you think I have been eating bad, my baby is still alive and that's all I care about.

This is going to sound really really bad, but sometimes I get really angry that my sweet, loving, amazing grandma who was one of my best friends, and would never ever say anything hurtful to me is gone, and the grandma that I've never been close to at all and says things like that to me is still here.  It's really not fair.  I mean, everyone says my grandma loves children, but really what's another one to her?  When we tell her our news, she just says oh?  She doesn't congratulate us, she doesn't say how happy she is for us and it's another one of 17.

But I never got to tell my other grandma any of our good news, she would have been over the moon happy for us.  And counting Kayla, Boo would have only been her third great-grandchild and she would have loved and cherished her every single day.  I'm just mad and angry that she didn't get to be here to celebrate this stuff with us, and the grandma who is more concerned with making me feel bad is. 

But today is a happy day, so I'm going to forget about that.  I just had to get it off my chest.  It's a dreary rainy Sunday, a perfect day for cleaning the house.  I am so behind on housework and clutter is about to swallow us whole, so I'm going to go blast my Pandora and get to work.

One year ago- 22 wks

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts regarding my upcoming loss milestone.  I am doing ok...a little anxious from time to time, but my amazing doctors have been lifesavers.  I truly believe in less capable hands, by now I would have either been experiencing my third loss, or at the very least be insane with worry and anxiety.  My weekly appointments have given me so much reassurance, and I feel a lot of hope.

Now onto a bit of a sad anniversary....it was one year ago today that I took a pregnancy test and it told me my little girl was on her way.  I cannot believe it's been a year already.  Even more scary than that, in just 4.5 short months, when Boo arrives, it will have been a year since we lost Kayla.  It will be bittersweet.  I was so happy to see those two pink lines....I even sat on the news for a couple hours because I just couldn't believe it.  Finally when I looked at the tests and could see the lines without crossing my eyes, I decided to tell my husband.  I left a note that said second time's a charm?  and some U of M baby booties on the table for him to find.  As it turns out, the second time wasn't a charm, and those booties were buried with our sweet little girl.  But I will never regret any of it.  Despite all of the pain and heartache, Kayla was and will always be the best part of my life in her short time with us, and I cannot wait to see her and hold her again one day.

Ok, now that I am crying at my desk at 9am, let's talk about some good news.  Upon returning from maternity leave last spring, I got an email saying that our usual 12 weeks off was being reduced to 6 weeks.  This upset me greatly....since I will be a working mother, I'll get precious little time with my baby as it is.  My dad gets to be the one to spend all day with her, and probably see her first steps and hear her first words...I'll get the little time in the evenings before I feed and bathe her and put her to bed.  I am grateful for my dad, and I trust him completely, but the idea of leaving Boo at just 6 weeks and going back to work was horrible, though I was thankful to have something as I know some people don't get any paid time off.

If all went well and I didn't need bed rest, meaning I would get my full 6 weeks once Boo is here, I was still hoping to take the 12, but of course I would only be paid for 6.  But I got a newsletter today about the proposed change to maternity leave, and the announcement that it has been decided that the company will keep the paid bonding time, above what is medically necessary upon giving birth.  I do not know the details because the link won't open, but I am assuming that means they're going back to the old plan where I would get 12 weeks off at 90% pay.

This makes me sooooo happy.  So if I were to go on leave around Boo's due date at the end of March, I'll be off work until about mid-June.  That's so awesome....the six weeks I had after Kayla went pretty fast, and that was spend mostly sleeping and laying around the house.  I cannot even imagine how quick six weeks would go by being sleep deprived and trying to adjust to a newborn baby.  I'll update when I know the details.

Update:
So I got the details on the change to maternity leave.  They did reinstate the bonding time, so now I would be eligible for 12 weeks instead of 6.  However it all depends on when I go on leave.  Because I just took leave last March, I'll have to go on leave next year after I went this year in order to get new time.  So if I go on March 24 or sooner, I get 6 weeks paid, but if I go March 25th or after I get 12 weeks paid; my due date is March 22.  So needless to say I'm hoping she comes a little late.  I'm taking 12 weeks regardless, but when I go into labor will depend on if I get paid for 6 or 12.  Of course it would be great if I got paid for the whole thing, but if not we'll just have to take it out of savings.  I'm just glad I have the job protection for that whole time, that was what I was most worried about.  So she'll come when she comes, and whatever happens happens.

On another note, I was going to go maternity coat shopping on Sunday.  I hate to buy a new coat for just one year, but I cannot zip or button any of my current coats and it's gotten really cold outside.  I thought I could deal since I'm always so hot, but not so much, it's freaking cold.  I picked up my inlaws from the airport tonight and then came in to visit for a while and I mentioned needing a coat.  So my MIL whips out this adorable coat and it is big enough for now with some room to grow.  Then she starts going through the closet and gets me a scarf which was really cute as well, and gloves, lol.  So now my Sunday afternoon is open and I didn't spend a dime!  

Famous Cervix- 21 wks 5 days

My cervix is going to be famous!  After my fetal echo today, they did the vaginal to measure my cervix, and my doctor came in and just did my appt from there so she could see the ultrasound results.  She requested a few pictures so she can take them to a lecture she's doing later so a whole room full of people will get to look at my cervix, haha.

So I was pretty on edge last night, I got pretty crampy out of nowhere and it stuck around for a little while, and my discharge picked up some.  I've also been so tired, ever since we got home from Vegas I just fall asleep everywhere, my head bobbing wakes me up, only to doze off again a few seconds later.  The extreme fatigue, increased discharge and cramping were all present a few days before I went into labor.  But, I think some of the fatigue is just normal pregnancy exhaustion that comes and goes, and I might still be trying to recover from jet lag and time change.

While the discharge was noticeable, it wasn't thick and snot-like, as it was last time, and the cramps went away after about an hour.  But being just days away from the point I went into pre-term labor last time, I guess I am understably extra nervous.  I was very happy for my appointmet this morning....first I had my fetal echo just to give Boo's heart a better look since I was diagnosed with GD so early.  She was doing yoga again this morning, she's obsessed with her feet....she's always got her feet up around her head, probably trying to suck her toes.   I guess it probably gets boring in there, not much else to do.

So while the tech was waiting for her to roll over so she could see her heart, she re-checked a few things and said her brain looks absolutely perfect as does her spine.  I can never hear those things enough.  Of course we would want her and love her so much no matter what, but I had this huge fear that while this pregnancy would be successful, there would be something wrong with her whereas perfectly healthy Kayla didn't make it.

So she passed the heart exam with flying colors, and she is now weighing one pound, which is just slightly behind Kayla who was 1 pound 1.6 ounces....but there is a very good chance she could catch up, and even pass that up in the next few days.  She could see the cervix from the abdominal ultrasound but she said she'd ask the doctor if she wanted her to do the vaginal one as well.  When she came in, she said it's up to me.  At first I said it was fine, she could see that it was measuring 4.7 cm....but then I decided, with the milestone coming up and the fact that we're announcing to the world this weekend, I had better just get the other one done too. My "highs" from a good appointment do not last long, so the added reassurance will be appreciated in a few days I think.

Last week my cervix was measuring 4.2 cm, down from 5.0 the week before.  They said it is normal to fluctuate and as long as it is above 2.5 they don't worry, but I was happy to see it lengthened some this week.  Most likely, it shortened some due to all the walking we did in vegas, and then lengthened back out since I've been a couch potato since we got home.    I asked my doctor, since my measurements have all been good, does that mean I didn't have an IC, or is it just that the cerclage is doing its job, but she couldn't say either way for sure.  She said they didn't have enough evidence to say I had one to begin with, but she wasn't confident in bypassing the cerclage, and there isn't a lot of studies done on it because once it is determined that someone likely needs a cerclage, they're probably not going to go through a pregnancy again without it to see if it holds up on its own.

That makes sense....I'd rather not have a difinitive answer, than to not have tried and had the same result as last time.  But it sounds like if we do this again, I'll definitely get another cerclage, there is just no reason not to and take the risk.  Maybe I am just one of those 85% that has good success rates with the cerclage.  I mean, I know I am far from out of the woods, I've still got two more weeks until V day, and 5 more weeks until Boo has a 90% chance of surviving with no complications....but I am very pleased with my progress.  Given the fact that 5 days before I went into pre-term labor and was dialated four centimeters and this time I have not even had any consistent, significant shortening, I would say is a very good sign. 

Of course there are many factors to take into consideration, and we won't truly know until at least a year after Boo is here, but I am growing more and more confident that if we chose to, another baby after Boo may be possible.  I don't know what we'll decide, but I am glad it's looking like we may at least have the option.

Hand me downs- 21 wks 4 days

My friend who has three little girls just sent back a ton of stuff with her mom when she went to visit, and then dropped it off to me.  Some of the stuff I can't use, like a bottle warmer, and some items that I honestly don't know what they are, lol.  But she sent a bouncy seat, an under the sea activity mat (which we had actually registered for last time) a food grinder, some brand new bottles, a brand new bottle of prenatals (they're gummy, so probably not good for my GD, but I can take them after Boo gets here), and a three layer lazy susan filled with jars of baby food.  Not to mention the two bags of the most adorable little girl dresses you've ever seen, and a baby sling. 

The clothes are all 12 months, but I can't wait till they fit, they're all so cute.  This one in particular will be perfect for next Christmas...she'll be about 9 months by then, but there's a very good chance it'll fit her.  I'll want her to wear them all before she grows out of them, but I doubt there will be enough fancy occasions, so she's going to be very well dressed for doctor appts and trips to Target.

The best part it, whatever I can't use, can go to my dad's since he'll need things there too.  Like one of the things she sent was a musical light up thing that goes on the crib....it won't go with our theme, so my dad can have it at his house.  I'm excited to buy new furniture and stuff, but gently used hand me downs are awesome.

I'm starting to get nervous about this Saturday (my loss milestone).  In some ways I feel good, because things have been going well.  But on the other hand, everything happened within 3 or 4 days....the cramps and the increased discharge....I thought everything was fine last time too.  But at least I have been getting extra monitoring, so I know that at least as of last Tuesday, everything was fine.  Thank goodness I have an appointment tomorrow.

One down, several to go-21 wks 2 days

Ryan and I put together our first piece of furniture today, the glider rocker.  It was so easy, the base was already together as was the foot stool, so all we had to do was attach the back, the arms and all of the cushions.  It's too bad the rest of the furniture will not be as easy.  The chair is ridiculously comfortable.  I ran errands today and bought Boo her first book, and since we decided on monkeys I couldn't pass up the super soft monkey holding a blankie.

So when I got home I "rocked her" and read her the book.  I got her Love you Forever.  I read a couple of months ago that the lines "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be" was actually inspired by the author's two stillborn children.  So I thought it was the perfect first book, and as I sat there reading, I was actually reading to both of my girls.

Here is a pic of the rocker and the monkey blankie.  

Don't mind the dirty carpet, once we get all the junk out of the room, I need to vacuum and shampoo the carpet.  I think maybe we'll buy the crib soon....that will be sooo weird to have a crib in the house.
 So I told my aunt our news today, she was really happy for us.  I'm excited to get past our milestone next weekend and be able to tell the rest of the world.

Edit:  And of course, it's only been together for less than 12 hours and one of my four legged babies has already discovered what a wonderful napping chair it is.  I said I would kick the cats out of anything baby related, but he just looked so snuggly I couldn't do it.  Now the crib is a different story, there will be no cats in the crib.  I already have a fear of Vinny trying to snuggle Boo and sitting on her face.